Keep Your Eye On The Sparrow

I know you were wondering: turns out the secret witness in Britney Spears' custody hearing is Tony Barretto, a former bodyguard for Britney. He filed a declaration in the custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline today, claiming that Britney used drugs post-rehab and was nude a lot. Anyone shocked? Me neither. TMZ reports:

"Barretto started working for Britney when she got out of rehab, and was
fired on May 17 because, said Allred, 'He did not hear her when he was asked to
pick up her hat.' Barretto, himself the father of young children, came
forward, Allred says, because while working for Britney, he became 'very
concerned' about the safety of her two boys. Allred also said that she has
spoken to County Counsel for Child Protective Services about Barretto's
concerns."

You know what makes this guy’s story totally legitimate? He claims Britney Spears fired him for not picking up her hat. That’s the most believable statement I’ve ever heard in my life. The only thing more believable would be if Barretto said Britney fired him for stealing her Double Whopper – then chased him down the street in a tank wearing a helmet made out of pocket lint and dreams. Would Britney fire one of her kids out of the cannon? Depends. Were there extra pickles on that burger?