Cruise Control

I've been so distracted by Britney Spears I almost let this one slip by... almost.

The Daily Mail tells us that Tom Cruise fears that galactic ruler Xenu is planning a revenge attack against Earth, so he's building a bunker to keep him and his family safe. The Daily Mail reports:

"Tom is planning to build a US$10 million bunker under his Telluride estate.
It's a self-contained underground shelter with a high tech air purifying
shelter. The facility is said to have enough room for ten people - including
wife Katie Holmes 17-month-old daughter Suri and his adopted children Isabella,
14, and Connor, 12."

I want to believe aliens are the reason Tom built a bunker, I do, but it’s time to face reality: the bunker is for Katie Holmes. He probably feels bad about locking her in the closet so he’s upgrading her living conditions. But, hey, protecting her from Klaatu or whoever? Space aliens? That's a good reason too.

Bozo Builders

"Why I love America: Reason 103":

Why put the roof on a house when you can build the world's largest pencil? That's exactly what these construction workers thought when they made an 18,000 lb., 76 ft. long (functional) writing instrument. It allegedly represents 1,900,000 small pencils and took two weeks to make. It's basically a tree that's been painted yellow. I need to get my hands on that bad boy, because I have a ton of oversized checks that need depositing.


http://view.break.com/371663 - Watch more free videos

What A Piece Of Junk!

LEGO's largest set to date, the Ultimate Collector's Millennium Falcon, ships Monday, October 1st. The kit consists of 5,195 pieces, measures 33" long and 22" wide, has a 4 lb. instruction book, and will set you back a mere $500. I thought the LEGO pirate ships I used to put together were expensive, but $500! Zeus' butthole!

I want one. No, I take that back, I need one. Me and LEGO sets are like this (I'm crossing my fingers to indicate we're real close). As a very wise engineer once told me, "If getting drunk and building LEGO sets is wrong, I don't want to be right." I love you too, dad.

Fantasy Recap Week 3: Time Won't Let Me

Three weeks down. These football seasons... they grow up so fast, don't they? Not so long ago, this season was so young... so full of promise... now it's staring down the barrel of two crappy fantasy starts. Do I feel lucky? No, mostly just annoyed... who says that the running back is the meat in our fantasy football sandwich, anyway? You sure couldn't prove it by me in those two 0-3 leagues. I've been Maroneyed!

So, in my NFL.COM league? I lost. As projected. Dammit.

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 51-69

The standings:

East

Eau Claire Vandals 2-1-0
LacesOu 2-1-0
Textboo 1-2-0
Catchers in the Rye 1-2-0

Central

Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 2-1-0
Goregor 2-1-0
Death by Haiku 2 2-1-0
RumseyB 0-3-0

West

DredPir 3-0-0
HolyHan 2-1-0
Mothers 1-2-0
Underdo 0-3-0

The saddest part is I lost to Matt (a co-worker and fellow traveller in the lands of multiplayer fragfests) who hasn't looked at his line-up since... since... you know, I don't think he's ever looked at his line-up. Me? I spend hours... days.. adjusting my players ("fellers" is the technical term in our household, actually)... and I lose ingloriously. Matt? Doesn't spend a moment, and wins without knowing. I'm pretty sure that makes me the bonehead in this scenario.

In one of the anonymous solo leagues... I didn't lose... but I didn't win either. I actually tied. It's one of those things in life that you know is possible... but you never imagined it was possible... you know? Like winning the lottery, or not having to sit next to the drunk homeless guy on the 38 Geary.

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Loss
Actual: Tie 111-111

Behold, standings!

Central
Clemson 2-0-1
UsualSu 2-1-0
LofasLa 1-2-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 0-2-1

East

BBbadbo 3-0-0
Knights 2-1-0
FBomber 1-2-0
royals1 0-3-0

West

YounGGu 3-0-0
Lynchbe 2-1-0
TeamAlp 1-2-0
FifeFan 0-3-0

I guess the good news is I'm not 0-3. Sigh.

In the other solo league? I won! 3-0, baby! I have to say I owe it all mostly to Tom Brady, but I still don't buy the argument that he's this generation's Joe Montana. You know who's this generation's Joe Montana? Joe Montana, that's who, motherf**cker.

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 103-46

Hey! Standings!

Central

Powerful Mach Five 3-0-0
Provide 2-1-0
JediMas 1-2-0
Bigbron 0-3-0

East

NEPats 2-1-0
Skeleto 2-1-0
baldeag 2-1-0
ItaliHe 0-3-0

West

Provide 3-0-0
xchucki 2-1-0
KNIGHTS 1-2-0
Breakin 0-3-0

Needless to say I'm pretty pleased with how things are going here so far. I'm taking a page from Han Solo's book though, and not getting cocky. Last year, you'll recall, I went 8-0 in a league, only to miss the playoffs by one win. Yeah, I'm not getting a bust molded for Canton just yet.

In my Yahoo! league? I won!

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 310-295

It was a nail-biter, and happy as I am to get a win, I feel bad that Rick had to fall... but maybe I'm teaching him a valuable life lesson. A lesson about hubris, and that thing that comes before a fall... what's that again? Awkward flailing? I can never remember. I walk away with the win, but it could just as easily been a loss... and at least Rick would've appreciated the win in that case, unlike some people (coughMATTcough) I know....

Whatchootalkinabout, standings?

1. Night Train 3-0-0
2. Extreme Hummingbird 2-1-0
3. Purple Crap Stains 2-1-0
4. De chier des bulles 2-1-0
5. Blue Blazer Regulars 2-1-0
6. MightyPurpleHelmets 1-2-0
7. Snooze Alarm 1-2-0
8. Purple People Eaters 1-2-0
9. LiL Man 1-2-0
10. Intercepticons 0-3-0

One of the cool things about a Yahoo! league is how quickly your fortunes can change for the better. In a week I went from almsot last to not-so-far-from-first... or maybe that was just in my mind. Anyway, I suck less this week, which is always nice... and never Christmas.

Finally, the office Yahoo! league. Yet another big, fat loss. My only 0-3 team.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 245.52-263.17

This is the league, remember, where I drafted Ladanian Tomlinson. He's the guy who's supposed to make a fantasy football team, not break one. Does he even listen to Madden's color commentary during the games? Could someone send him a tape? You're supposed to "get past that last man" and "have a nose for the endzone" because in the end "you want to get points on the board." Oh, and "Boom!" Sweet jebus, Ladanian... why have you foresaken the "Boom!"?

Standings? We don't need no steeeenkin' standings!

1. Death by Haiku 3-0-0
2. BALCO 3-0-0
3. The Pastry Ducks 2-1-0
4. The Flying Frenchman 2-1-0
5. Arsenal 2-1-0
6. LightsOut 2-1-0
7. San Diego Zoo 1-2-0
8. Baby Bashers 1-2-0
9. Bliss's Blitzers 1-2-0
10. Alabama Hot Pockets 1-2-0
11. Livefree; Rhymehard 0-3-0
12. ativan stat 0-3-0

Yup, that's me waaaay down near the bottom. My worst start to a fantasy football season ever. My mother would be so proud. No, really. She only ever wanted me to have friends, and what better way to make friends than to let them walk all over you in fantasy football? It beats being the lookout for late-night bank robberies, or buying Scoutorama tickets. At least, um... that's what I hear.

So, there you go. Week 3 is in the bag. It's a mixed bag, sure, but what else could you reasonably expect with 5 fantasy teams in the running? I suppose there's a lot of games left, and plenty of time to get points on the board. It ain't over 'till it's over, right John? Boom!

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are!

You know, I wasn't even sure who this person was, but the I looked her up in Wikipedia, and it turns out she's some sort of celebrity. Well, used to be, anyway.

Here's the news: Lindsay Lohan’s rehab stint is just about over! Granted, even though there’ve been rumors of her doing coke and having sex with guys in the bathroom while at the Cirque Lodge facility, close friends (that’s code for “publicist”) are saying she’s cleaned up and ready to come out. However Lindsay’s mom (the ever-lovin' Dina Lohan) is trying to deny Lindsay’s departure, according to the NY Daily News:

"A pal tells the Daily News the tamed wild child could be out as early as
this weekend but her mom, Dina Lohan, is trying to put the kibosh on that rumor.
Access Hollywood is reporting that show host and Dina Lohan pal Billy
Bush e-mailed her asking if LiLo is indeed getting out of the Cirque Lodge rehab
center in Sundance, Utah. Mama Lohan replied: 'Not true, staying in Utah.'"

I don't know about you guys, but I think Lindsay really needs to get back to her career. I mean it’s going so well. Her latest movie I Know Who Killed Me pretty much went straight to video. That’s good, right? People get to watch it right away instead of going to the movies. How awesome is that? And her singing career is just on the brink... poised to take off. Lindsay’s voice must be amazing from all those cigarettes and Jello/Antifreeze shots. Nothing sells more records than the raspy, over-produced wheeze of emphysema. Come on out, Lindsay, the world is your oyster!

Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Yeah!

Britney Spears has been charged with two misdemeanors including a hit-and-run for the incident back in August when she pulled into a parking space and hit a car, and for driving without a valid license. If convicted on both charges, she faces up to a year in jail. A City Attorney's spokesman says:

"According to the DMV, Ms. Spears was never issued a California license –
ever."

Sweet mother of Jebus, Britney Spears doesn't have a driver's license? How is that even possible? I mean, I'm not surprised, but how did it take the authorities this long to figure it out? You'd think they would've cracked the case when she was caught driving with her baby on her lap, or when she had her baby seat strapped in the wrong way, or basically every time she has ever been behind the wheel ever. I could blindfold a monkey, punch it in the head, and throw it in the car's trunk (who ever said you couldn't learn anything from Speed Racer?) and it'd end up driving better than Britney Spears. Probably take better care of her children too.

These Fiddles Sell Themselves!

Where Is My Mind?

I'm a self-confessed idiot who needed parts of Shrek explained to him (that donkey is basically racist, right?), so it comes as no surprise that the trailer to Donnie Darko director Richard Kelly's latest, Southland Tales, makes nearly no sense to me. I've watched it four times now and the only thing I can say with any certainty is that The Rock suffers through a lot of terrible fidgety/scared moments and that I should own a Pixies album. I dunno... t seems like one of those movies where it'll end up being a post-modern thing inside a thing inside a thing, but I have no idea what any of those things are. I'm sure I'll enjoy the Twizzlers, though.

Balsa? Would.

In an attempt to cut weight on Humvees, the Army is testing models made with "fiberglass, balsa wood, foam and carbon reinforcements all held together with resin. The body of the tan composite prototype has a sandpaper feel. The fenders are pliable and can be easily bent by hand, flipping back into place when released." The 900 pounds cut from the vehicle are going to be added back in the form of extra armor and mine-blast protection.

Now I'm not too familiar with the strength of mine blasts or explosions or anything, but I do know that the last time I built a vehicle out of balsa wood the wings broke off in an hour and then the whole thing disintegrated when it rained.

Your Tax Dollars At Work

SA 2934.

Mr. CORNYN proposed an amendment to amendment SA 2011 proposed by Mr. NELSON of Nebraska (for Mr. LEVIN) to the bill H.R. 1585, to authorize appropriations for fiscal year 2008 for military activities of the Department of Defense, for military construction, and for defense activities of the Department of Energy, to prescribe military personnel strengths for such fiscal year, and for other purposes; as follows:

At the end of subtitle E of title X, add the following:

SEC. 1070. SENSE OF SENATE ON GENERAL DAVID PETRAEUS.

(a) Findings.--The Senate makes the following findings:

(1) The Senate unanimously confirmed General David H. Petraeus as Commanding General, Multi-National Force-Iraq, by a vote of 81-0 on January 26, 2007.

(2) General Petraeus graduated first in his class at the United States Army Command and General Staff College.

(3) General Petraeus earned Masters of Public Administration and Doctoral degrees in international relations from Princeton University.

(4) General Petraeus has served multiple combat tours in Iraq, including command of the 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault) during combat operations throughout the first year of Operation Iraqi Freedom, which tours included both major combat operations and subsequent stability and support operations.

(5) General Petraeus supervised the development and crafting of the United States Army and Marine Corps counterinsurgency manual based in large measure on his combat experience in Iraq, scholarly study, and other professional experiences.

(6) General Petraeus has taken a solemn oath to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America.

(7) During his 35-year career, General Petraeus has amassed a distinguished and unvarnished record of military service to the United States as recognized by his receipt of a Defense Distinguished Service Medal, two Distinguished Service Medals, two Defense Superior Service Medals, four Legions of Merit, the Bronze Star Medal for valor, the State Department Superior Honor Award, the NATO Meritorious Service Medal, and other awards and medals.

(8) A recent attack through a full-page advertisement in the New York Times by the liberal activist group, Moveon.org, impugns the honor and integrity of General Petraeus and all the members of the United States Armed Forces.

(b) Sense of Senate.--It is the sense of the Senate--

(1) to reaffirm its support for all the men and women of the United States Armed Forces, including General David H. Petraeus, Commanding General, Multi-National Force-Iraq;

(2) to strongly condemn any effort to attack the honor and integrity of General Petraeus and all the members of the United States Armed Forces; and

(3) to specifically repudiate the unwarranted personal attack on General Petraeus by the liberal activist group Moveon.org.

Never mind the fact that the Democrat majority doesn't have the muscle to pass anything. Forget -for a moment- that issues of troop deployment and, you know, trying to stop a pointless war were on the table... this is what the US Senate chose to spend their time on this week. An ammendment that targets a private organization whose sole purpose is to raise awareness about issues that dramtically affect us all every day. Is Moveon.org a "liberal activist group"? Sure... but since when does the United States of America legislate against activist groups of any ilk?

Can this be anything but the GOP feeling the heat of a nation that demands change, and is trying to desperately stay the course through an intimidation campaign? Does this look like anything but threat? A ploy to try to scare dissenters into keeping quiet by painting them as un-American?

This is not hyperbole. The 1st Ammendmant is dead. No one is looking out for you. This country is fucked.

Me? I'm goin' into the fiddle business.

Fantasy Recap Week 2: Lovin' You Sunday Morning

Has it been two weeks already?

Five games... three wins, my friends! That beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, tellyouwhat! No really. I've done both. Notching three wins? Much better than the eye poke. Friendly tip: you pretty much just want to avoid the eye poke altogether, really. It's pretty safe to say that most anything is superior to the eye poke, so my advice? Forego the poke, and make the comparisons with confidence.

In my NFL.COM league? A much, much needed win! Sorry Joe... maybe it's karma for losing to you in the other league last week? Just stupid luck? Naaaaahhhhhh... it's gotta' be karma.

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 110-86

The standings:

East
LacesOu 2-0-0
EauClaire Vandals 1-1-0
Catchers in the Rye 1-1-0
Textboo 0-2-0

Central
Tiny, Adorable Hedgehogs 2-0-0
Goregor 1-1-0
Death by Haiku 2 1-1-0
RumseyB 0-2-0

West
DredPir 2-0-0
HolyHan 1-1-0
Mothers 1-1-0
Underdo 0-2-0

Once again, Joe and I battle it out mid-division while Nancy lords over her division. This was a win I needed in a bad way... I won't turn my nose up at a few more, though, truth be told.

In a solo league? Big, big loss! Way to go 0-2, Chris! Wahooooo!

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 85-114

Central
Clemson 2-0-0
UsualSu 1-1-0
LofasLa 1-1-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 0-2-0

East
BBbadbo 2-0-0
FBomber 1-1-0
Knights 1-1-0
royals1 0-2-0

West
YounGGu 2-0-0
Lynchbe 2-0-0
FifeFan 0-2-0
TeamAlp 0-2-0

And that's me in last place in my division. From here? It's up, up and... up some more, I guess.

In the other solo league? Big, big win! 2-0, baby!

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 145-131

Central
Powerful Mach Five! 2-0-0
Provide 1-1-0
JediMas 1-1-0
Bigbron 0-2-0

East
baldeag 2-0-0
Skeleto 1-1-0
NEPats 1-1-0
ItaliHe 0-2-0

West
Provide 2-0-0
xchucki 2-0-0
Breakin 0-2-0
KNIGHTS 0-2-0

#1! Woot!

My Yahoo! league? A win!

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 308-304

1. Purple Crap Stains 2-0-0
2. Night Train 2-0-0
3. De chier des bulles 2-0-0
4. MightyPurpleHelmets 1-1-0
5. Extreme Hummingbird 1-1-0
6. Snooze Alarm 1-1-0
7. Blue Blazer Regulars 1-1-0
8. Purple People Eaters 0-2-0
9. LiL Man 0-2-0
10. Intercepticons 0-2-0

Yup. Seventh... and battling it out with Joe for slightly-less mediocre. Nancy, meanwhile, is in third, and undefeated!

I have to point out that this game was a rematch of my Championship match-up with Shane from last year. That game, you'll recall, I wound up losing by one point. No, actually, I'm not over it yet... thanks. Anyway, it felt pretty damn good getting the "W" this time... and it didn't escape my notice that the margin was once again as narrow as could be. Again, karmically cool, you axe me.

Finally, the office Yahoo! league. Oh, joy. I'm 0-2 here too.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 278.24-299.84

1. Death by Haiku 2-0-0
2. The Flying Frenchman 2-0-0
3. Arsenal 2-0-0
4. BALCO 2-0-0
5. LightsOut 1-1-0
6. The Pastry Ducks 1-1-0
7. Alabama Hot Pockets 1-1-0
8. Bliss's Blitzers 1-1-0
9. Livefree; Rhymehard 0-2-0
10. San Diego Zoo 0-2-0
11. Baby Bashers 0-2-0
12. ativan stat 0-2-0

Tony's #1! Howsabout that? My point total is pretty solid... I just need the wins.

This was/is a league I had/have high hopes for, on accounta' that first overall draft pick I got? Ladanian Tomlinson? Yeah... he's a bust so far. I may trade him for a kicker... I hear the Falcons picked up 80-year old Morton Anderson... maybe he's available.

Finally, I have to point out that Nancy is 2-0 in both of her leagues! Pretty friggin' impressive.

Is it Sunday yet?

Keep Your Eye On The Sparrow

I know you were wondering: turns out the secret witness in Britney Spears' custody hearing is Tony Barretto, a former bodyguard for Britney. He filed a declaration in the custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline today, claiming that Britney used drugs post-rehab and was nude a lot. Anyone shocked? Me neither. TMZ reports:

"Barretto started working for Britney when she got out of rehab, and was
fired on May 17 because, said Allred, 'He did not hear her when he was asked to
pick up her hat.' Barretto, himself the father of young children, came
forward, Allred says, because while working for Britney, he became 'very
concerned' about the safety of her two boys. Allred also said that she has
spoken to County Counsel for Child Protective Services about Barretto's
concerns."

You know what makes this guy’s story totally legitimate? He claims Britney Spears fired him for not picking up her hat. That’s the most believable statement I’ve ever heard in my life. The only thing more believable would be if Barretto said Britney fired him for stealing her Double Whopper – then chased him down the street in a tank wearing a helmet made out of pocket lint and dreams. Would Britney fire one of her kids out of the cannon? Depends. Were there extra pickles on that burger?

Field Of Dreams

Either mothers hate god, or everything else is a lie.

Oh, and here's the uncensored video, courtesy of our friends to the North.

"This Was Brett That I Had Felt Like Crying About."

Little-known Brett Somers facts:

1. She was born "Audrey Johnston." She changed her name to "Brett" for the lead female character in Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises (Brett Ashley, of course). I always thought that was a pretty cool move.

2. Though she and Jack Klugman separated in 1974, they never actually divorced... the only thing that has ever kept me from writing "Quincy" off as a complete idiot... though NOT living with Brett Somers is a pretty boneheaded move, you ask me.

3. I knew in 1977 that someday I'd marry a woman like Brett Somers. She'd be smart and independent and caustic and warm and pretty behind great big sunglasses and better than me in every way that matters. I eventually did marry just that person... right down to the great big sunglasses, which makes me unbelievably happy.

4. Brett Somers died on Saturday at 83, which makes me unbelievably sad.

"This was Brett that I had felt like crying about. Then I thought of her walking up the street and stepping into the car, as I had last seen her, and of course in a little while I felt like hell again. It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night is another thing." ~Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

K-Fed: Another TKO

Our beloved Britney Spears and Kevin Federline had an impromptu meeting last week at the office of Mark Vincent Kaplan who represents Kevin. The meeting was Britney’s idea. She seems to be in panic mode after the VMAs. People reports:

“Britney asked for [the meeting]. She wants to put an end to this
public debacle," says the Spears source. “However, Kevin [has] refused. He needs
more money so he's determined to win this.”

"Court documents released Aug. 30 show that Spears's income is
$737,868 a month and that Ferderline receives $20,000 a month in spousal support but has no “net income after business expenses.”

Man, where do I even begin? The obvious one: Kevin Federline has business expenses? I don’t know about that. Sounds a bit suspect, but not really important in the scheme of things. He’s practically Mother Teresa when compared to Britney. To prove my point, last week we celebrated Jayden’s first birthday. While Kevin threw him a pool party on Sunday, my sources tell me Britney bought the kid a Happy Meal and a fedora “just like mommy’s.” Two minutes later, while stuck in traffic, she ate the meal, the hat and half of the passenger seat cover... but it's okay, 'cause it was fake fur. While it's not safe to eat and drive, Britney had her bases covered: Jayden was driving.

Zenophobe

Zeno, a robot boy created by David Hanson, is scary as hell. Let's be honest.

David named the damn thing after his real 18-month-old son, Zeno (poor kid), and it is supposed to be available for commercial sale in the next three years (for $200 - $300). It stands 17 inches tall and weighs 6 pounds, and took 5 years to create. He comes equipped with facial recognition software, and will greet you by name when he recognizes you. He is controlled wirelessly via PC, and can talk, walk, and make eye contact. His face is made of "frubber", enabling a variety of facial expressions, which he uses himself because he has "his own moods" and makes "his own decisions".

That sounds great and all... but honestly, he's one scary little bastard. Is it just me, or does anybody else get the feeling that one of those decisions he'll make on his own may be stabbing your eyes out with a ballpoint pen one night while you sleep?

And The Hits Just Keep On Comin'

Our friends at Page Six have posted a long explanation of everything that went wrong with Britney Spears' performance at the MTV Video Music Awards Sunday night, including the fact that she showed up hours late and out of shape to rehearsal, had a drink in hand, and refused to wear MTV's outfit because she thought it wasn't sexy enough.

"On Saturday, the day before the VMAs, Spears was scheduled to arrive at rehearsal at around 1 p.m. Our spy said, "She didn't even get to Las Vegas until 4:30 p.m. It was ridiculous . . . The production people at MTV were freaking out."

"To make matters worse, when she arrived in Vegas, Spears didn't go straight to rehearsals.
"She went to her hotel room and ordered a bunch of food and some frozen margaritas," the spy said. "She came down, like, an hour later with a frozen margarita in her hand."

"When Spears preformed on Sunday, she stumbled a couple times and couldn't remember the words she was lip-syncing. She covered her mouth at one point but by the end of the song had simply given up any pretense of singing."

"The dancers were supposed to lift and twirl her in the air a few times, and that just wasn't going to happen. The more complicated dance moves had to be erased because she couldn't do them. MTV wanted her to wear a corset outfit. It would have looked great and covered a lot of things up, but she hated it and didn't think it was sexy enough."

"Instead, Spears changed into a spangly bra-and-underwear outfit she'd brought with her that emphasized her weight gain over the last year."

"After Spears performed at the VMAs, she allegedly broke down in tears but then partied until 3 a.m. She changed outfits several times and again was photographed by paparazzi wearing no underwear."

To be fair, that other outfit probably would've covered Britney up. And how is Britney supposed to show off her sexy body if she's covered up? God, sometimes people don't even use their brains. It'd be like covering up the Mona Lisa. Assuming, of course, the Mona Lisa ate a bunch of other paintings, and was planning on shuffling around on stage for three minutes before collapsing out of breath witha Mohito in her hand.

NOTE: If you haven't already seen it, I put up the video of the crying Britney fan that's been circulating the interweb. And yes, it's fake. I mean the guy is real, but the stuff he says is not. His name is Chris Crocker and this isn't the first ridiculous piece of acting he's done on YouTube.

Fantasy Recap, Week 1: Welcome To The Jungle

It's hard to believe, but week 1 of the fantasy football season? It's in the books!

Now let's stuff those books in a bag, and dump the bag in a half-frozen river, shall we? Yes, that's a thinly-veiled metaphor for what small-minded people do with unwanted kittens. Week 1? Week 1 is my unwanted kitten. I'd be happy if it was sent to a farm to romp... it doesn't necessarily have to be drowned in a half-frozen river... but you get the idea. It was a bad, bad week.

This year I'm adding a li'l somethin' to the weekly fantasy football recaps! I'll track what my projected outcome was for each game (based on the league's fantasy gurus), and what the actual outcome was! That way you can play along, and watch as my dreams are crushed on weeks when the fantasy gurus swear that I'll go 5-0, or swoon right along with me as I defy the gurus who insisted that I'd lose every last game, only to pull out the improbable win or two despite the odds and the fates!

Oh, and for your color-coded good times? Me, Nancy, Joe & Tony.

Let's start with the NFL.COM league I run, Life is a Game, Boy:

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 30.00-87.00

I lost! I lost huge! 30 points? Who knew a score that low was even possible? The only bright side was... hell, there was no bright side. Who am I kidding?

The standings:

East
EauClaire Vandals 1-0-0
LacesOu 1-0-0
Textboo 0-1-0
Catchers in the Rye 0-1-0

Central
TinyAdorable Hedgehogs 1-0-0
Goregor 1-0-0
DeathbyHaiku2 0-1-0
RumseyB 0-1-0

West
DredPir 1-0-0
Mothers 1-0-0
HolyHan 0-1-0
Underdo 0-1-0

As crappy as I feel getting 30 points (did I mention that I only got 30 points?), I have to say it's pretty cool that the newbies all did pretty well for the most part. At least, they did better than thier commissioner. It's a league of first-timers for the most part, and they did themselves proud... and, y'know, got more than 30 points.

In another NFL.COM league -No. 1 Seahawks- I fared slightly better... but with the same sad, sad outcome.

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 91.00-127.00

Oh. Boy. Another loss. I was winning this game 'till Monday night, dammit.

Central
UsualSu 1-0-0
Clemson 1-0-0
LofasLa 0-1-0
SithLords of the Gridiron 0-1-0

East
FBomber 1-0-0
BBbadbo 1-0-0
royals1 0-1-0
Knights 0-1-0

West
YounGGu 1-0-0
Lynchbe 1-0-0
TeamAlp 0-1-0
FifeFan 0-1-0

So, so far? That's two leagues that I'm in last place in my division, and one where I find myself last place overall. I was never good at PE, but as I recall, last place is bad. I shoulda' paid more attention.

In the last NFL.COM league, Die Hard Fantasy Football 2007:

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 123.00-108.00

WOOHOO! A win!

Central
Powerful Mach Five! 1-0-0
Provide 1-0-0
Bigbron 0-1-0
JediMas 0-1-0

East
NEPats 1-0-0
baldeag 1-0-0
Skeleto 0-1-0
ItaliHe 0-1-0

West
Provide 1-0-0
xchucki 1-0-0
Breakin 0-1-0
KNIGHTS 0-1-0

A win! And that's me in first place in my division! What do the kids say... "YIPPEE!"

Meanwhile, in the Yahoo! league I run, Pigskin Pajama Party? Guess. Go on. Guess how I did.

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 223.00-259.00

1. Purple Crap Stains 1-0-0
2. Extreme Hummingbird 1-0-0
3. Night Train 1-0-0
4. Snooze Alarm 1-0-0
5. De chier des bulles 1-0-0
6. MightyPurpleHelmets 0-1-0 .
7. Intercepticons 0-1-0
8. Purple People Eaters 0-1-0
9. Blue Blazer Regulars 0-1-0
10. LiL Man 0-1-0

Yup. A big, fat loss. I played Joe in this league. If I have to lose to someone, Joe's a better choice than most... but the thing is? It still sucks. Especially watching the win get snatched away on Monday evening by his QB... a QB I started in another league. See, the irony here is I needed that QB to do crappy here so I could win... but I also needed him to do well in the other league so I could win there. What he did instead? He was as mediocre as possible, and as a result robbed me in both leagues. That's right, I'm talkin' to you, Carson Palmer!

Nancy, by the way, is not only in 5th here, but you may have noticed she's in first in her NFL.COM division AND that she won both games this week! I'd like to say that's all due to my fine instruction and inspiration... but sadly, all available evidence contradicts that statement. I did send her a link to the fantasy football sign-up pages though... that counts for something, right?

Oh look! That "other league" I was just mentioning? This is it! Al Bundy Football League! And lookee there! It's another loss! This time to Tony! Carson Palmer may have let me down, but Tony's defense was stellar, so I'm not sure it woulda' made a difference if Carson was firing footballs out of his butt at eagerly-awaiting wide receivers... though it woulda' made for damn good TV.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 249.44-275.09

1. LightsOut 1-0-0
2. The Flying Frenchman 1-0-0
3. Death by Haiku 1-0-0
4. Arsenal 1-0-0
5. BALCO 1-0-0
6. Bliss's Blitzers 1-0-0
7. San Diego Zoo 0-1-0
8. Livefree; Rhymehard 0-1-0
9. The Pastry Ducks 0-1-0
10. Baby Bashers 0-1-0
11. Alabama Hot Pockets 0-1-0
12. ativan stat 0-1-0

In 8th for now. I'm okay with that... for this week, anyway.

So that's a wrap for Week 1, my friends. Me? I'm learning from it, and moving on. At least I hope so... I don't want a repeat of what happened when I designed and built those waffle-powered submersibles. Then? Then I just moved on... turns out the learning is the most important part of that statement. Now I know.

Remember When The Skies Were Friendly?

So there's a joke that goes: "This college girl gets on an airplane...."

You know what I find objectionable on a Southwest flight? Low-fat Lorna Doones. And crying kids. Howsabout we leave those on the jetway?

Sing A New Song

Threw The Looking Glass

The moment we've all been waiting for came and went with a lip-synched whimper on Sunday night. Britney Spears gave her “comeback” performance at the MTV Video Music Awards!

MTV had threatened to pull the plug if Britney didn’t behave over the weekend in Las Vegas. Obviously MTV chose not to cancel because they love ratings and hate music so much. NY Daily News reports:

“Britney knows she's on thin ice. When they agreed to the performance, they
sat her down and told her she should not be going out, and instead focus on
rehearsing and resting,” an insider said. “She seemed to be thankful and
appreciative for the chance, but who knows with her? MTV made it clear that her
usual behavior will not be tolerated.”

Britney clearly heeded the warning - and spent the entire weekend partying.

"The pop tart was spotted sipping a frozen margarita before her VMA
rehearsal Friday. Then Spears showed up at Snoop Dogg's bash at Body English in
the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino about 1 a.m. yesterday in a cute, black
strapless dress. She had her people immediately call man-of-the-moment Criss
Angel to meet her, sources said. Spears has denied the two are dating. One
source said, “She's totally phoning this in. She doesn't seem to care how this
goes. She's been drinking a bunch and not putting her all into rehearsing.”

Supposedly Criss Angel was consulted about adding magic to the performance. What magic was that? The off-rhythm dancing? The fishnet stockings whose seemingly-boundless strength suggests a Kryptonian origin? Or maybe it was a dark magic that struck fear into those who looked too closely. I mean, 50 Cent has been shot nine times and he was scared shitless sitting there in the front row. He’s probably been up all night, clutching his blanket in fear that she'll sloppily dance out of the closet at any second. God knows I was.

Lynch Pinned

Up The Down Staircase

Andrew Lipson, a LEGO building genius, has recreated M.C. Escher's "Relativity" with LEGOs. It looks damn good, and I think it is safe to say that he should win some kind of award for doing such a bang-up job. Just don't look at it for too long though, because I think I did, and now my head is spinning and I just threw up Fruity Pebbles on the cat I don't have that sleeps too much.

One Born Every Minute

In addition to swapping venereal diseases and any last traces of dignity, Britney Spears and Criss Angel were also spotted sharing a lollipop at the opening of LAX... but there’s more to this sucker than meets the eye!

Extra reports:

"The sucker Britney was sharing is more than just a sweet treat: it’s a diet
secret. Insiders tell us she recently received a shipment of Hoodia lollipops,
which suppress the appetite and supply an energy boost."

In the fifth grade I had to give a report about sugar. Then about a week ago, I mixed Jagermeister with Red Bull and suddenly I was five hours in the future – without pants! So, to answer your question, yes, I am a real scientist. Anyway, if you eat nothing but sugar, you will lose weight. You will also go into diabetic shock and probably die. I want to say I’m going somewhere with this, but in retrospect nothing but good can come from this scenario. Carry on, Britney.

A Tale Of Five Drafts

The fantasy football drafts are ovah!

In the past I've posted not only my lineups, but those of Nancy, Joe, Tony & Robert. Not this year, kids! Mostly because... well, let's face it, no one but me really cares. Don't you fret, though! When I post the weekly updates you'll be able to track all of our color-coded progress same as ever! I may even trot out new colors!

The drafts were cool 'cause they really ran the gamut. I had an automated draft that I planned rigorously for... and one that I, well, didn't. I had three live drafts, in each of which I tried a different strategy, while trying not to duplicate too many players (which is tough when you're drafting for five teams, tellyouwhat).

In no particular order, I present to you your fightin' The Powerful Mach 5!, Sith Lords of the Gridiron, Catchers In The Rye, Blue Blazer Regulars and Live Free; Rhyme Hard!


Die Hard Fantasy Football 2007 - NFL.COM (Live Draft)

The Powerful Mach 5!

Tom Brady, QB
Jon Kitna, QB
Thomas Jones, RB
Julias Jones, RB
Willie Parker, RB
Andre Johnson, WR
Matt Jones, WR
Joey Galloway, WR
Bernard Berrian, WR
Bo Scaife, TE
Antonio Gates, TE
Neil Rackers, K
D Steelers, DST
D Vikings, DST

This was my first live NFL.COM draft, and I guess it went okay. I picked third to last in the first round, so no marquee running back for me, but I snapped up Tom Brady and Antonio Gates. Oh, and I'm happy with my defenses (I seem to have more faith in the Vikings "D" this year than anyone, but we'll show you!). The most amazing thing about this draft? The guy who picked first got, naturally, Ladanian Tomlinson. No brainer. While he waited for his next pick he was chatting away with the rest of us, so imagine our surprise when for his second pick he snapped up... Michael Vick! The chat room software couldn't keep up with the deluge of "WTF?" and "Dude! Do you have a TV?" posts.

Why'd I coose this league fulla' strangers? I liked the name, and their team names were almost as whimsical as mine, so it doesn't appear to be a league of extraordinary lunkheads.


No. 1 Seahawks - NFL.COM (Auto Draft)

Sith Lords of the Gridiron

Eli Manning, QB
Marc Bulger, QB
Thomas Jones, RB
Jerious Norwood, RB
Laurence Maroney, RB
Lamont Jordan, RB
Mark Clayton, WR
Plaxico Burress, WR
Terrell Owens, WR
Isaac Bruce, WR
Jeremy Shockey, TE
Neil Rackers, K
D Bengals, DST
D Eagles, DST

Nancy warned me that 5 leagues may be a league (or two) too many... judging from the fact I completely overlooked this draft, I'm almost willing to agree. Almost. I didn't rank my players, or jockey for position... I pretty much ignored it entirely. Funny thing is, it's a pretty solid lineup! I've decided that this is my "Control Group." That sounds way better than admitting I was asleep at the wheel.

Why this league? "SEAHAWKS #1!" It's fate!


Life Is A Game, Boy - NFL.COM (Commissioner, Auto Draft)

Catchers In The Rye

Philip Rivers, QB
Rudi Johnson, RB
DeShaun Foster, RB
Cedric Benson, RB
Brandon Jackson, RB
Larry Fitzgerald, WR
Kevin Curtis, WR
Marty Booker, WR
Jacoby Jones, WR
Calvin Johnson, WR
Vernon Davis, TE
Josh Scobee, K
D Packers, DST
D Cowboys, DST

I "run" this NFL.COM league... which mostly means I opened it, and invited pals. I spent a lot of time ranking the players for this draft, and went back and forth for days on which positions to draft when. RB, RB, QB? RB, QB, RB? RB, QB, RB, WR? Seriously... days. In the end, no, I'm not sure this is any better a lineup than the one in the league I forgot about... but for now, I'd like to think so.

As Commissioner I can't do anything anyone else can't do, but I plan on making use of our message board to keep people engaged, or at least entertained.

I decided that my league would be Catcher in the Rye themed... which pretty much just means the league name, and my team's name are Catcher in the Rye themed... but that's good enough for me. I may spend all season posting pithy Catcher in the Rye quotes. No one'll get it, but what else is new?


Pigskin Pajama Party - Yahoo! (Commissioner, Live Draft)

Blue Blazer Regulars

QB Donovan McNabb
WR Marques Colston
RB Shaun Alexander
TE Tony Gonzalez
W/T Devin Hester
W/R Reggie Brown
W/R Marion Barber III
K Jason Elam
D Champ Bailey
D A.J. Hawk
DB Troy Polamalu
DB Dre' Bly
DL Lofa Tatupu
DL Antonio Pierce

I'm the Commissioner of this league as well, which actually means something in Yahoo! fantasy football. I determined the scoring scheme, and what positions we'd be drafting. I coulda' determined the draft picks, but I left it up to chance... and wound up picking pretty early. I had the choice between Larry Johnson and Shaun Alexander, and in the end I went with Shaun because a) I'm not convinced LJ will repeat his numbers from last year and b) Come on! Shaun's a Seahawk! And as a Seahawk, very underrated, and my personal favorite.

I'm not posting my backups... just take my word for it: they're either pretty damn solid, or very promising as sleepers.

Being Commissioner here is rad 'cause the league's a little chattier, and I can post all sorts of "NOTE(s) FROM THE COMMISSIONER" that range from helpful fantasy hints to cooking tips. No, really.

I called my league "Pigskin Pajama Party" because 99% of the other leagues had really serious names like "I'll piss down your throat after I kick your ass!" and "Not for Retards!" I'm not kidding. People? They take fantasy football pretty seriously. My league, though, it's all about sleepovers, and ghost stories! And popcorn balls!


Al Bundy Football League - Yahoo! (Live Draft)

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

QB Carson Palmer
WR Deion Branch
RB LaDainian Tomlinson
TE Owen Daniels
W/R Ahman Green
W/R Braylon Edwards
K Jeff Reed
D Keith Bulluck
D Bart Scott
DB Gibril Wilson
DB Adrian Wilson
DL Derrick Brooks
DL A.J. Hawk

Finally, the annual bookstore league. Another live draft, and my first EVER #1 pick! Woot! Ladanian Tomlinson, won't you please stand up? I'm pretty happy with this lineup, tell you what. I didn't bother to post the backups, but they're all of pretty stern stuff... including LT's backup, Michael Turner who'd be starting on any other team, and should figure more into the offense this year regardless.

Last year I managed to piss off the entire league by posting football haiku every week. I'm pretty much out of haiku ideas, so maybe this year I'll post a short story in weekly chapters. I'll be the Dickens of the fantasy football world!

Ahhh, fantasy football... it's the best of times, and it's the worst of times.

He's A New World Cat

Sega Toys has released a line of robotic cats in Japan, because, um, people can't care for real cats. The cats interact with you, and when you pull their tails they hiss (just like mine!) Unlike mine though, they don't tear up furniture or pee on your electronics. Another thing they don't do is drink liquids, because I fed one a dish of milk and the damn thing's head shot off and caught fire. Despite the drawbacks, I'll just stick to analog cats.

Running Weird

Welcome back! Didja' get all of the Labor Day gifts you were hoping for?

Larry Rudolph, Britney Spears' ex-manager, was "tracked down" and subpoenaed Thursday and must now testify in the custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline. Larry had told Ryan Seacrest earlier last week that he was trying to avoid being served for fear of harming Britney’s case. People reports:

"Rudolph “was served about 30 minutes ago,” said Erin Tietsort, the
assistant manager at the Sunset Tan in West Los Angeles, on Thursday afternoon.
“He's employed here. He's part-owner.”

Tietsort described the process server as a 5'8" brunette in black
slacks and a buttoned-up shirt.

“We asked her who she was but she just said she had a meeting with
[Rudolph]. After he walked in he said, 'Can I help you?' and she just handed the
papers and left. He had no idea. He then said [to himself], ‘Oh, okay. Yeah.
They've been looking for me. This is for Britney Spears-Kevin Federline.’ I was
like, ‘Really?’ And he just stared out the window. You could tell he wasn't too
happy about it,” said Tietsort. "

There is only one plausible explanation for this turn of events: Larry Rudolph is absolutely, certifiably 100% retarded. Who publicly -on a syndicated radio show, no less- says they have damaging information about a high-profile celebrity tangled in a high-profile custody battle, then hides out in an establishment they own? Larry Rudolph. That’s who. In case you’re not fully convinced of the guy’s stupidity, here’s something to chew on: Larry Rudolph thought it was a good idea for Britney Spears to hang out with Paris Hilton.

I'm surprised he didn't hide in the court house.

NOTE: In the pic above? That's Larry Rudolph on the right, in happier times.

Eau de Umber

Demeter, a fragrance company notorious for their offbeat odors (sushi, humidor and dirt) has released a Crayon scent that is sure to drive the kindergarden ladies wild! At $19/ounce, it's a little more expensive than melting crayons on yourself, but probably safer. A must have for the under 6 crowd, nothing says "I accidentally glued my genitals to my leg during craft time" like smelling of crayons.

Welcome To The Bottom Of The Barrel!

Joust, the classic arcade game in which the vague, blocky forms of knights dueled atop things that more or less resembled ostriches, is ready for a big screen treatment, reports GameDaily.

This seems odd to me, considering the only plot I recall in the game was the act of jousting. Luckily, producer Michael Cerenzie clarified:

"Cerenzie calls the new script by Marc Gottlieb "Gladiator meets Mad Max."
The film is set 25 years in the future and includes a Las Vegas suspended in
mid-air.

"We've updated the game into a commercial, tent pole
movie," said Cerenzie. "Marc has done an amazing job in creating a tantalizing
and filmic world based on the original game."

Oh, well, if it's gonna' be like "Gladiator meets Mad Max," it'll be really good then. This surely can't fail. In fact, while you're at it, why not make more classic video games with no story into movies? As long as they're like two other good movies, it's a can't miss plan! Here are some ideas suggestions:

Galaxian - Arachnophobia meets Star Wars

PacMan - Labyrinth meets Ghost

Frogger - Death Race meets The Muppet Show

Asteroids - Armageddon meets Schindler's List (hey, the game was in black & white)

Centipede - Anaconda meets Mega Snake meets Walking Tall

Mmmmmmmm... Pants!

My hero, David Letterman, is scheduled to appear on Oprah next month following the most powerful human's appearance on his show last year! Prior to that, the two had a long-standing feud, largely centered on Dave juxtaposing Oprah's name with Uma Thurman's over and over and over and over at the Academy Awards. It remains to be seen if Dave will receive Oprah's coveted recommendation or simply be given away to the audience with an iPod nano.