Sunday, October 30, 2005

Do the Shuffle!

As Week 8 begins, let's take a fond look back at Week 7, shall we?

Two words: TWO WINS!

First, the standings in the office Yahoo league:

1. San Diego Zoo 6-1-0
2. Kirk's nightmare 6-1-0
3. Budwipers 5-2-0
4. Arsenal 4-3-0
5. Last & Least Too 4-3-0
6. Turd Burglars 4-3-0
7. Gotham Knights 4-3-0
8. Las Vegas Heat 4-3-0
9. Super Chargers 3-4-0
10. AggieDucks 3-4-0
11. Wade Reeves QB 3-4-0
12. kimpossible 2-5-0
13. The Nation 1-6-0
14. Cyanide 0-7-0

That's right, I'm in 7th. Thing is, from the look of things, I'll be in 7th after Week 8 as well... Regis help me, that's what I'm hoping for, anyway... it looks bad for your Gotham Knights this Week 8 my fantasy football friends... brace yourselves.

But getting back to happier Week 7 news: I won! You can say what you want about losing, but I'll tell you what: winning's better.

Oh, and in the NFL.COM league? What's the phrase I'm looking for? "I won!" Lookee:

East Division
Metropolis Meteors 5-2-0
AntiBushTexans 3-4-0
jump 3-4-0
Crawford Vaqueros 2-4-1

Central Division
blueflames 6-1-0
Eau Claire Charlatans 4-3-0
San Jose Synecdoche 4-3-0
marauders 3-4-0

West Division
Jimbo 3-4-0
scurvy dawgs 2-5-0

By some twist of fate, I've taken the lead in my division, and leapt up the rankings in overall points. Again, don't expect such a happy report of my Week 8 results in this league... looks bad for your beloved Metropolis Meteors too, I'm afraid... but for now let's just bask in another week of dual wins! You can call me "Winnie McWinnerstine!"

Wait... wasn't that the girl on Wonder Years?

Anyway... Nancy, sad to say, lost, while Joe won, and overtook her once again in the Central Division. Tony... wait for it... WON! Somehow, drafting a player on Friday who's out for the season and then leaving him in the lineup seems to have helped notch the ol' "W" for Tony... I dunno... football's complicated.

So after Week 7 I was feeling pretty good about my playoff chances... but then Week 8 crept up on me like a drunken dwarf with a meat tenderizer, and tried to tenderize my playoff hopes into oblivion... but you know what? Even after this week's performance (more on that later) I'm still optimistic... if guardedly so. Just as winning beats losing, and a Royal Flush beats two pair, being gaurdedly optimistic beats no optimism at all... at least, that's what Howard Dean tells me.

"Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings." ~Bern Williams

Saturday, October 29, 2005

The Mailman's Nightmare

I have this recurring nightmare....

Everyone in the world... everyone but me... everyone has the problems of babies.

I mean, they're normal height and all -five feet, six feet tall- but they have these giant heads... like babies, you know? And they have enormous eyes, and these tiny arms and tiny legs, and they can hardly walk.

And in the nightmare, I'm going down the street and when I see them coming I step aside... you know, to give them some room.

They don't read or write, so I don't have that much to do. Jobwise, anyway, it's pretty easy.

Friday, October 28, 2005

It's beginning to look a lot like Fitzmas
Ev'ry where you go
The indictments are on their way
On that special day
Scooter, Hadley, Cheney, Rice and Rove!

It's beginning to look a lot like Fitzmas
Bushies moan and wail
And the day's growing near, indeed
When the GOP VIPs
All will rot in jail!

Thx Brigitte! Thx Al!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Mother will stay mum.

Now Control This....

So, last Friday, Janet Jackson's former brother-in-law, Young DeBarge, confirmed all of our years-old suspicions that Janet Jackson has a "secret" daughter. DeBarge's brother (James) was married to Jackson for three whole months in the 1980s, when Miss Jackson (if you're nasty) was only 18 years old, and their marriage was annulled within a year. Afterwards, "Renee" was born and promptly sent to live in shame with Rebbie Jackson. The now 18-year-old is apparently despondent about her mother's refusal to acknowledge her... and we can only assume that she's at least as despondent about our refusal to acknowledge her.

You know, I understand that all a child wants is to be loved and acknowledged by her family, but does this girl realize who her family is? Frankly, she's better off living with the Coneheads. Sure they may have cones for heads, but at least they have human-looking noses. And say what you will about cold-hearted aliens, but they would never hide you away in a basement and treat you like some sort of animal... or like LaToya. Because nobody should have to live like LaToya. Cone head or no cone head.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Up With Pee Wee

By now, if you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know that if there's anything I don't do, it's talk about myself. I've always been more of a "waiting to listen" feller than a "waiting to talk" feller... plus, honestly, I'm really not all that interesting.

But all of that changed today, my friends. We spent today at Golfland! And there was much rejoicing!

Nancy and I had the pleasure of pee wee golfing with Lindsay & Alex all afternoon... and I'm here to tell you: if Lindsay and Alex ever invite you to Golfland? GO. Conversely, if Jack Ruby and Bruno Hauptmann ever invite you to Golfland, DON'T GO. And not just because they're dead, and they'll probably smell bad in the heat.

Lindsay and Alex, though, are perfectly charming golfing companions. You couldn't ask for better. They are also, by the by, pee wee golfing aces. Alex has a keen eye for the geometry of carpeted spaces (I'm guessing he's a huge fan of Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land), and Lindsay? Well, aside from having utter mastery of the windmill, she has an unerring ability to sink most brightly-colored golf balls in 3 strokes or less... it's like a blessing. Yes, it's just like a blessing! As though God herself came down one afternoon and said to Lindsay: "Lindsay? I'm going to give you the ability -the 'God-given' ability, if I may... and we both know I may, because I'm God and all- to sink most brightly-colored golf balls in 3 strokes or less. No, no, don't bother thanking me... but could you be a dear and hand me that Airzooka?"

We went with no plan other than to watch Nancy kick my ass at pee wee golf. That's always been the Depper/Rose pee wee golf system, and it works for us. We wound up golfing two rounds, one mano a mano, and one team vs team. By some miracle, I squeaked out the win in the mano a mano round... and I just realized: I have no idea who won the team vs team round! By rights it shoulda' been Lindsay and Alex, 'cause quite frankly, Nancy and I were stinkin' it up out there on the North Course today. Well, me more than Nancy... but less than Jack Ruby.

Lindsay had the brilliant idea to wager game tokens on holes in our second round. Well, to be fair, she tried to mention it before our first round, but these damn kids were shuffling through the motions of singing "Happy Birthday to You" -to some other kid whom I guarantee was far less interested in the song than he was in the hot dogs and crepe paper that were just out of his reach in the only patch of shade to be had at Golfland today- while the rest of us were trying to concentrate on our swings, and, well... look: I'm not against kids or birthdays (What am I? Jerry Lewis?), but when people are trying to play some serious pee wee golf, maybe, I dunno, kids shouldn't be in the area. They should be singing hymns or whitewashing fences or something, right? Not at the pee wee golf course. That's no place for kids, dammit! Am I alone on this?

What was I saying?

Oh yeah! So Lindsay came up with the idea of wagering on the occasional hole (Quit it, Smutty mcSmuttsmutt; get your head out of the gutter). We'd wager game tokens on any given hole, and the team who got the best score would reap the faux gold benefits. I learned three things from this second round of golf:

  1. Alex is a pee wee golf hustler, but the kindest, most polite pee wee golf hustler you'll ever cross clubs with.
  2. Nancy and I choke under the pressure of betting tokens on pee wee golf holes. Again, me more than Nancy, but except for one measley hole, any hole we bet on? We lost.
  3. I have a gambling problem. By the, oh, second time we wagered I was willing to put up the entire contents of our apartment, and tokens we didn't have. I'da wagered my car, but -I'm such a fool- I'd already told them that my car was not-so-fresh these days... dammit. Note to self: I should go back there and find a sucker... a patsy... a mark, and play for pinks.

By the end of a fine fall day, we'd played a buttload of pee wee golf, Nancy and I had won 12 tokens, Alex and I had saved the President (who knew he was a captive in that compound, anyway?), and Nancy and Lindsay had scored countless Tootsie Rolls and a bunch of charming, countable toys that looked a lot like circus animals on tiny, plastic wheels... good times.

It all reminds me of something the elder Gods, the wise ones, Up With People and Kelly Ripa used to say: "Yippee!"

PS: Oh, and by the way? Big Log is not at all about poop.

You assume the risk of injury.

Plug it in, plug it in!

Don't be too proud of this technological terror....

Everyone loves a clown with a club!

To the lighthouse....

Friday, October 21, 2005

A Strange Thing Mystifying

What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happenin'!

Well JC, JC, we've logged week 6 in the record books, and all things considered it coulda' gone a whole lot worse. How's that for a glowing endorsement of my fantasy football skills kids?

In the NFL.COM league? I won! That's my third win in a row! 'till last weekend, I'd never, ever won three in a row before! Hell, I'd never won two in a row! Three back-to-back wins! So, I have that going for me... which is nice.

Nancy also won (handily, as a matter of fact), and since Joe got whooped (sorry man, but there's no other word for it), she sprinted ahead of him in the standings.

While you're checking out the rankings, please note: I'm Number One in my division! Now go tell the Spartans! (What on Earth could that possibly mean?)

Oh, and PS: Tony got whooped too... which is frankly unfathomable, since he's forgotten more about football than I'll ever know... but if following the Seahawks has taught me anything, it's that where there's life, there's hope. So here's livin'... and hopin'... and, you know... stuff.


East Division
Metropolis Meteors 4 -2- 0
AntiBushTexans 3 -3 -0
jump 3 -3 -0
Crawford Vaqueros 1 -4 -1

Central Division
blueflames 5- 1- 0
San Jose Synecdoche 4- 2 -0
marauders 3 -3 -0
Eau Claire Charlatans 3- 3 -0

West Division
Jimbo 3- 3 -0
scurvy dawgs 2 -4-0

"But what about the office Yahoo league, Chris?" you're asking. "How did it go there?" Well my little ranch-flavored croutons, things didn't go so well there.

Four words:

Knothead has one job: score touchdowns. What did he do on Sunday? Not that. Not even once.

Despite his profound inability to do even an adequate job at the only thing he's supposed to be good at, I almost won last week. In fact, for the first half of Monday night's game, I was ahead, and things looked pretty good. The birds were chirping just a little bit chirpier; the breezes were a little more breezy, and I held out the cautious hope that I'd score wins in both leagues two weeks running... but then, for some inexplicable reason, they insisted on playing the second half of the game... and my hopes were dashed against the rocky shores of Reggie Wayne's Nikes. (Just... just go with me on that, okay? It's late, and that's really the best I've got.)

Taaaaaa- shit. Whatever:

1. San Diego Zoo 6-0-0
2. Kirk's nightmare 5-1-0
3. Last & Least Too 4-2-0
4. Turd Burglars 4-2-0
5. Budwipers 4-2-0
6. Arsenal 3-3-0
7. AggieDucks 3-3-0
8. Gotham Knights 3-3-0
9. Las Vegas Heat 3-3-0
10. Super Chargers 2-4-0
11. Wade Reeves QB 2-4-0
12. kimpossible 2-4-0
13. The Nation 1-5-0
14. Cyanide 0-6-0

Dropped to eighth. So? What are you lookin' at?

The problem here is my point total stinks. It's only my win/loss ratio that's keeping me afloat, which means, in simple terms, that losing sucks. My plan? To not lose.

What's really odd about week 6 is that it was the exact opposite of what I expected in every way. Not in some ways, mind you... every last way. What's more, I'm certain that if I'd started all the guys I benched, the results would have been exactly the same. It's like some Twilight Zone episode... but in color... and with better hair cuts.

I may be down, but I'm not out... I can rock the cynics if I try. Try not to get worried.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Good Night, and Good Luck....

I saw this photo once, of Tesla? The guy who invented the Tesla coil (what are the odds?).

Anyway, he also invented a pair of shoes with four-inch soles that would ground him while he worked in his lab. In this picture, Tesla is sitting in his lab, wearing the shoes, and reading a book by the light of the long tendrils of the sparks arcing from his transformers.

And I remember thinking... wondering... what exactly am I looking at? Is it a photo of a guy reading, or a guy reading in the shadows the sparks throw on the walls?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Black and White and Red All Over

Democrat? Upset with the direction things are going in America? Here’s a fine suggestion - go Republican! "Rage Against The Right," surprisingly enough, would like to show you how.

Okay, I admit that the humor in this Flash cartoon is a little heavy handed, but it's funny enough to be amusing, provided you agree with it... which is a pretty safe bet if you're reading this.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Prima Fascist

PRIMA-FACIE, EVIDENCE, CASE - Latin for "at first view."

Evidence that is sufficient to raise a presumption of fact or to establish the fact in question unless rebutted. A prima-facie case is a lawsuit that alleges facts adequate to prove the underlying conduct supporting the cause of action and thereby prevail.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Saturday, October 15, 2005

'cause We Are the Champions...

Of the world!

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

TWO wins in week five, baby! Baby got wins! Baby needs a new pair of wins! Baby... won... while I... um, won... baby. Twice.

Baby? Hello? Baby? Are you in the corner again?

Yeah, so, what can I say? Winning in the NFL.COM league was, to say the least, bittersweet. I needed the win, but I never enjoy winning while Nancy loses. Come over some time, and peruse our Yahtzee score cards... you'll see... the happy doodles grind to a sullen stop when I'm winning... simply put: winning means more to Nancy than to me... but I'm incapable of throwing a contest, so the steroid-steeped players fell where they might last week... and in that week five contest? They fell in my metaphorical endzone... for a change... baby.

The standings:

East Division
jump 3-2-0
Metropolis Meteors 3-2-0
AntiBushTexans 2-3-0
Crawford Vaqueros 1-3-1

Central Division
blueflames 4-1-0
Eau Claire Charlatans 3-2-0
San Jose Synecdoche 3-2-0
marauders 2-3-0

West Division
Jimbo 3-2-0
scurvy dawgs 2-3-0

There was no joy in Mudville in week 5 for Nancy, I'm afraid. I squeaked out a win, while Joe? He dominated (despite his entire team being on a bye... go figure), and managed to pass Nancy in the standings. There's a real horse race in their Central Division, my friends... stay tuned!

Oh, and in my East Division? I glommed on to 2nd, as I'd predicted/hoped... and Tony? He grabbed last with both fists. He tied somehow in week 5... I didn't realize that was anything but theoretically possible 'till Tuesday... but he did it... and now he rules last place with an iron fist, and a troubled brow.

Meanwhile... in the office Yahoo league... gaze in wide-eyed wonder:

San Diego Zoo 5-0-0
Kirk's nightmare 4-1-0
Last & Least Too 4-1-0
Budwipers 4-1-0
Turd Burglars 3-2-0
Gotham Knights 3-2-0
Arsenal 2-3-0
AggieDucks 2-3-0
Wade Reeves QB 2-3-0
Las Vegas Heat 2-3-0
kimpossible 2-3-0
Super Chargers 1-4-0
The Nation 1-4-0
Cyanide 0-5-0

That's right! I've clawed my way up to sixth place baby!

Baby say: "SIXTH!"

That's right: I beat Tony in the office Yahoo league. It was a genuine squeaker... Monday Night Football was nothing if not stress-inducing... but I pulled out the win in the fourth quarter, dammit. That means that, to date, I've never lost to Tony in a head-to-head fantasy game... which means almost nothing... except that Tony's powerless against my fantasy might! No shame in that! Can't be helped... my fantasy might, I mean. I'm mighty.


Okay... I might be a little cocky... goin' two for two might could do that... make a feller cocky... but it's not like that cockiness can affect week six, right? Right?

Right Randi?

Right Kreskin?

Right Mr Wizard?

Right Yappi?


Friday, October 14, 2005

A Tournament, Tournament, a Tournament of Lies

People magazine reports that Katie Holmes has dropped out of the Dennis Quaid film Shame On You so that she can "focus on her pregnancy," which consists mostly of her breasts getting bigger and Tom Cruise not caring. It's also been rumored that after she gives birth, Katie intends to become a stay-at-home mom.

Because Tom and Katie are really traditional like that, and they need their child to grow up with a firm understanding of the proper gender roles: mommies stay home and take care of the house, and daddies are hypodermic needles with semen in them. And every two weeks, some guy named Tom shows up reeking of leather and Mickey Mouse, and pays everyone to keep their mouths shut.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Island of Misfit Toys

"To stand here and try to fix her life is just a big waste of time. People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Monday, October 10, 2005

Playing for Keeps

I had this dream that Jimmy Carter had decided to open up presidential elections to the dead. That is, that everyone who ever lived would have the opportunity to become President. He said he thought it would be more democratic that way. You know, the more choice you had, the more democratic it would be.

I say, teach the children well.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

"The Missles are Flying! Hallelujah!"

"I have had a vision that I am going to be President of the United States someday. And nobody, and I mean nobody, is going to stop me!" ~Greg Stillson, The Dead Zone

Our story so far:
Waking up from a five-year coma after a car accident, former schoolteacher Johnny Smith discovers that he can see people's futures and pasts when he touches them. Many consider his talent a gift; Johnny feels cursed. His fiance married another man during his coma while people clamor for the now-reclusive Johnny to solve their problems. When Johnny has a disturbing vision after he shakes the hand of an ambitious and amoral politician, he must decide if he should take drastic action to change the future.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

You're Off the Map Now

Pirates of the Caribbean Facts and Figures:

  • Opening Day: March 18, 1967 Ride Time: 14.5 minutes Capacity: 3,400 guests per hour Audio-Animatronic Figures: 66 pirates and villages, 57 animals and birds Amount of Water: 750,000 Main Lift Pumps (2 operating): 20,000 gallons circulated per minute (maximum) 18,000 gallons circulated per minute (maximum) First Drop: Length - 52 feet Angle - 21 degrees Second Drop: Length - 37 feet Angle - 21 degrees Lift: Length - 90 feet Angle - 16 degrees Structural Data: Number of Buildings: 2 Number of Levels: 3 (Blue Bayou, upper caverns, and basement) Maximum Height of Ceiling: 40 feet.

  • Pirates of the Caribbean was originally going to be a walk through ride substantiated in Disneyland Inside Story by Randy Bright. Walt originally wanted to make it a walk through attraction but everyone advised against it because no one would want to walk through the attraction. Also It's a Small World was also planned this way. Walt finally made It's a Small World a boat ride. And, when they built Pirates, they used the same flat bottom boats as Small World.

  • Since the Disneyland attraction was constructed before the advent of life-like research skeletons, the original skeletons that make up parts of the show were genuine medical specimens and most remain today.

  • It is widely rumored that the skull and crossbones mounted on the headboard of the bed featured in the "Captain's Quarters" are genuine as well, given to Walt Disney as a gift. Another interesting feature may be seen above the bar in that same scene: The portrait of the lady pirate is an original Marc Davis.

  • Visitors to the Disneyland attraction should pay particular attention to the pirate captain in the scene where he auctions captured women as brides. The "captain" is a test bed for updates and developments to audio-animatronic technology and many innovations are tried on him first. As a result, his movements are far more lifelike and expressive than virtually any other audio-animatronic in all of Disneyland.

  • The Ghost Host, Pirate Auctioneer, Captain of the Jolly Roger and a score of others are voiced by none other than the late, great Paul Frees. Frees was also the one and only Boris Badenov, as well as the bass singer in many disney attractions, most noticable in the Haunted Mansion (Grim Grinning Ghosts), Thurl Ravencroft of the disney singing group of yesteryear. He was also the infamous Tony The Tiger. Not to mention the one who sang the Wholiday classic, "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch."

Friday, October 07, 2005


Week 4... come and gone! Could you believe cocktails?

So far, it appears I'm incapable of winning in both leagues in any given week... we've been over this, right? Well, so far, we can accept that as an axiom, my friends, 'cause I'm 4-4 one win/one loss each week. Yay team.

The weirdest thing is that I can't seem to win twice in a row in either league... so I'm 2-2 in each, but alternately. To wit: I win in one, lose in the other... then the next week, reverse that win/loss pattern, and so on, and so on, and so on....

I'll get back to the importance of this in a moment, trust me.

Now, in the office Yahoo league... I lost. It looked bad right away, and never really looked any better... even in the fourth quarter of Monday night's game. It didn't help that the QB I didn't start was playing that night, and threw for over 300 yards and four touchdowns while the QB I did start might as well have evacuated his bowels on his hands and flung shit at his wide receivers.

Sorry. I might be a little bitter about my personal quarterback controversy. I have two great QBs, but I consistently start the wrong one. The one I start? That's his "off week." The one I bench? That's his "week for the record books." Dicks.

But no more vamping. Here's the standings: ~ Al Bundy Football League

1. Kirk's nightmare 4-0-0
2. San Diego Zoo 4-0-0
3. Budwipers 3-1-0
4. Last & Least Too 3-1-0
5. Arsenal 2-2-0
6. Wade Reeves QB 2-2-0
7. Turd Burglars 2-2-0
8. AggieDucks 2-2-0
9. Gotham Knights 2-2-0
10. Super Chargers 1-3-0
11. The Nation 1-3-0
12. Las Vegas Heat 1-3-0
13. kimpossible 1-3-0
14. Cyanide 0-4-0

Yup, I dropped two spots. Sucks. I go on undaunted, though... or at least, not so daunted.

By now you know I won in the NFL.COM league. Quite handily, if I do so say myself. It helped that I drafted Neil Rackers, Arizona's kicker, on Friday night. Arizona's Cardinals played Sunday in Mexico, where there's no air, evidently. As a result all of his kicks flew right through the goal posts without resistance, and he racked up 19 fantasy points... more than anyone else on my team. Field goals? I say "Rack 'em up!"

The standings:

NFL.COM ~ Anti-Bush Texans League

East Division
jump 3-1-0
AntiBushTexans 2-2-0
Metropolis Meteors 2-2-0
Crawford Vaqueros 1-3-0

Central Division
blueflames 3-1-0
San Jose Synecdoche 3-1-0
Eau Claire Charlatans 2-2-0
marauders 1-3-0

West Division
scurvy dawgs 2-2-0
Jimbo 2-2-0

Yup, I'm stalled in third. I have a real shot at second, though... so I've got that goin' for me... which is nice.

Nancy, by the way, kicked Tony's ass! Tony seems to think she hexed Mike Vick... I think she's a fantasy football savant whose day has, at long last, come.

That, though, brings us to this week's quandary: I have two pivotal games... and one of them is against Nancy. "Nancy" who -once again- is point-leader in our NFL.COM league... and who can -if I win- easily stop talking to me. Or worse.

The other game is against my pal Tony, in the Yahoo league. Obviously the repercussions of beating him aren't nearly as dire as those of beating Nancy... but fate has foretold that I shall beat him... and if I do, I'll feel kinda' guilty 'cause really, it wasn't my fault after all....

I guess it's no different from any week, but I really need the win in both leagues (sorry Nancy... sorry Tony). I've held my own, but wins in both could lead to a nice little charge up the ladder, knowwhatI'msayin'? No one minds a nice little charge up the ladder, right? What's a nice little charge up the ladder between friends, right?

Speaking of friends, Joe (Eau Claire Charlatans) and I are both 2-2, though in different divisions, so we're tied for now. Sorta'. He actually has way more points than me... but his bad luck? He shares the division with Nancy... tough break. He's silently pluggin' along though... which means that soon he'll kick all asses, and ignore all names, if history teaches us anything. He's just like Rommel... but much less German... and not, you know, a dick.

Anyway, going into the weekend, I feel pretty good about my game vs Tony (in the Yahoo league), and uncertain about my game vs Nancy (in the, well, other league). Gee, I wonder how things'll turn out?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Immaculate Consumptive

Things are great if you're Nic Cage.

All your movies are well-received, nobody remembers that you were in Con Air, and you get to be married to a girl literally half your age - so young, in fact, that she was still living with her parents when you met. Even better, she doesn't seem to mind that you knocked her up and decided to name the fruit of her loins Kal-el Coppola Cage, after Superman's Kryptonian birth name.

Because "Clark," or "Lex" would have been too subtle. Because Gwyneth Paltrow's kid is going to need a friend in the nurse's office every recess. And because "Bizarro Superman Copola Cage" is just too many letters to monogram on tiny feety pajamas.

Pop Gun

In case, somehow, you haven't heard... Tom Cruise's spokesperson, Lee Anne DeVette, has confirmed that Katie Holmes is pregnant with Tom Cruise's baby, telling reporters that "Tom and Katie are very excited, and the entire family is very excited."

Either one of those crazy bastards is coming out with a movie and they've jumped the publicity stunt into overdrive, or things have gotten terribly out of hand and Katie Holmes is actually pregnant. Although I could've sworn Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman adopted children because he couldn't get people pregnant. Something about not having any sperm or preferring sex with men. Whatever the reason, it doesn't make sense that he would suddenly be able to start knocking people up. I don't know what's going on here, but it's freaking me out, man.

Oh, and since Maverick's Scientology mandates that childbirth be done in silence and without painkillers, I guess we'll find out how good an actress Kat really is.

PS: I'm praying to my fried space aliens that they name him "Kal El Ron Hubbard."

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Little Big Man

Given professional athletes' penchant for ribbing each other mercilessly over even the smallest transgression or imperfection, New York Jets lineman Michael King is probably enduring the 7th level of hell these days.

Due to a bug in a recent update to Madden 2006, King can (barely) be seen in the game as a tiny, 7-inch-tall version of himself.

According to Phil Frazier, a Madden producer, the bug was the result of a typo in the spreadsheet that lists player attributes such as weight, height, and team affiliation. Frazier explained that the spreadsheet is designed to accept players' heights in inches, and therefore it expects a two-digit entry.

EA Sports offers these periodic downloadable updates during the NFL season that take player trades, injuries and the like into account so players can have the most accurate team rosters. But in the most recent Madden roster update, King's height was entered mistakenly as "727," Frazier said. That effectively meant the system thought King was 7 inches tall.

And hilarity followed with him.

"You can barely see him on the field, unless you go into replay [mode]," Frazier said. "He's a tiny little guy."

Frazier explained that the attempted update was released on Sept. 16 and the bug was quickly discovered. By Sept. 19, he said, it had been fixed, and anyone downloading the update after that got a normal-size King, who, according to the Jets Web site, is actually 6'3".

In any case, Frazier said the bug didn't change the way Madden played, despite King's diminutive stature. But he did acknowledge the humor of the situation.

"It wouldn't affect play," Frazier said. "He would literally look like a little speck. If he was the running back, the ball would be so big he would literally be inside the ball, and the ball would [look like] it was moving around on the ground [on its own]."

Check it out: