Saturday, December 30, 2006

Kinda'... Sorta'... Like A Prayer

Wanna' see 5,000 years of religion in 90 seconds? Ready, Set, Go!
(Periods of inter-religious bloodshed are highlighted, for those scoring at home)

Friday, December 29, 2006

The Beating Goes On

Donald Trump recently called in an interview on Larry King Live and in response Rosie writes on her blog:

"so what happenswhen u say the emperor has no clothes
the comb over goes ballistic
via phone to mr king

every minute
every day

i imagine it is interesting
as celeb feuds tend 2 b
so here r my thoughts

didnt watch
didnt u tube

i have no time 2 make art now
i am only off friday
which is never enuf
to detox

the pipes get full
bits of sludge
clog the flow

so tiny books
express in torn images
my inside

i was raised reading ms magazine
i remember the burning of bras
as women demanded equality
in unison

beauty pageants
where women were paraded around
judged valuable or not
by old white men

it is always old white men

they added a talent portion
and gave away college degrees
they evolved - beauty pageants

and eventually - nearly faded away
for good

remember the seventies

a young girl in nyc
meets a pimp
he cons her into a life of illusion
she works for him

no fun - no fucking - no futures
he is owned
when she sneaks out -
to party the night away
he freaks

he roughs her up a bit
hames her in front of the others
teaches her to behave
for his own benefit

and just when we lost all hope
cagney and lacey showed upt
hey cuff the pimp
they free the girl

marybeth and christine
would never
be friends with a pimp

this is reality tv
like it or not
same same same
as vivi says"

Only six-year olds should be allowed to write like this. Or those gorillas you see on documentaries who communicate with sign language and perform morality plays with hand puppets. The ones we name things like "Coco" and "Bubbles?" Yeah. Six-year olds and them.

And, by the way, I'm not sure what she means by "i have no time 2 make art now." Judging by her "poetry" the only art she's capable of making is finger paintings. And maybe that turkey where you trace your hand and draw little eyes and feet on it.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Poor, Poor Radio Star

Nancy found these just after she turned the last corner of the internet last week.

I didn't realize they still shot videos... but they do shoot horses, don't they?

Wednesday, December 27, 2006


Ocean's 13 is the latest film to follow the hallowed Hollywood philosophy, "Even if it didn't start as a trilogy, it sure will be after we make a third one."

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Wicket Warwick's Jug Band Christmas

You know, I'm pretty sure I resent the implication.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Fractured Fairy Tale

Star magazine claims Britney Spears was messing around with J.R. Rotem before she split with Kevin Federline! Gasp! Evidently Rotem is a friend of K-Fed's who produced songs on his CD as well as Britney's upcoming album. Additionally, they suggest Britney broke up with Paris Hilton because she found out Rotem had fooled around with her while he was producing her album. A source says:

"It was nothing serious, just a few hookups. I bet a million dollars that J.R. tired to keep that a secret from Britney. Britney would probably flip out if she knew that he'd romanced Paris first."

And according to In Touch, Britney supposedly called up K-Fed and asked him if he saw the pictures of her making out with Rotem:

" "It was really bad," an "eyewitness source" told the mag, adding that Spears also started bragging to her ex about some sex she'd had. Federline was furious, although he reportedly isn't quite sure whether he believes that she's been dating. "[Spears] just started pushing his buttons ... He started screaming at her." Spears is reportedly also taunting Federline about no longer living the lavish life they shared, but sources say that he continues to gather info on her hard partying to use in the custody battle against her."

The moral of all this is that J.R. Rotem shouldn't be allowed to produce music anymore. Look, if you hear Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton sing and think to yourself, "Hey, this should really be on an album!" then you probably shouldn't be in the music industry. Because not only are you legally deaf, but you've got the business sense of a rabid squirrel in a leisure suit.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

What Child Is This?

By now everybody knows that officials from the Miss USA pageant were rumoured to be planning to strip 20-year-old Tara Connor of her Miss USA crown because of inappropriate behavior like underage drinking, but the organization tells the AP that isn't true.

"I can't really talk about it now," Donald Trump told the AP. "But we have to make a decision. There is no question about that." After evaluating Conner, the organization and Trump will "see what we can do to work with her and what we will do about her reign going forward," the organization's president, Paula M. Shugart, said in a statement, adding: "Mr. Trump will make a determination and announcement within the coming week."

If mail order videos have taught me anything it's that when girls want to go wild you let them go wild. And Tae Bo. They've also taught me Tae Bo. Pretty much everything I know is learned from mail order videos. That and fortune cookies.

Well, the good news is that Donald Trump announced at a news conference that the Miss USA organization is going to let Tara Conner keep her crown, despite "behavioral and personal issues" which included going to bars even though she's underage (oh, apparently Tara's list of offenses included testing positive for cocaine, sneaking guys into her Trump Place apartment, and making out with Miss Teen USA in public. Let me repeat that last one: making out with Miss Teen USA in public). The Donald (Good lord, what a jackass) said he believed she made bad mistakes but deserves a second chance, and that she would undergo therapy for her problems. But the real moral of the story? You can do anything when you're pretty. Want to punch a fireman in the face? Go for it. Chop up kittens for fertilizer in your Opium fields? Feel free. Eat a bald eagle? Sure, why not. You've earned it.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Saturday, December 16, 2006

I Am Jack's Season Recap

Really? Is the regular fantasy season over so soon? No more wagging of heads? No more gnashing of teeth? Well isn't that a shame.

Out of four leagues, I scratched my way to the playoffs in one. That's certainly better than none... but only by one. Here's that one:

*1. San Diego Zoo 13-1-0

*2. Chuck A Ducks 12-2-0

*3. The Dirty Jedi's 11-3-0

*4. Enigma 11-3-0

*5. Go Frenchy!! 10-4-0

*6. Tropical Depressions 10-4-0

*7. Anal Tongue Darts 9-5-0

*8. AllStar Chuck Norris 8-6-0

9. The Greasy Pablos 7-7-0

10. Ninerjunky08 7-7-0

11. 6-8-0

12. Crabtree'sCrabapples 5-9-0

13. Jumers Junkies 5-9-0

14. Hot Pipin Carl 5-9-0

15. MB Blitz 5-9-0


17. san jose 49ers 5-9-0

18. I Miss Baseball 4-10-0

19. Blitzburgh 1-13-0

20. Pig Skins & Beer 1-13-0

Yup. Made the playoffs in the office Yahoo league. I've made these playoffs before, but I've never made it past the first round, so if I could at least do that, I'd be happy. I'd like to be happier, though... stay tuned. Oh, and by the way? I killed the giant! Defeated the 13-0 "San Diego Zoo!" Wahoo!

Meanwhile, in the "everyone" league? I got clobbered, and wound up in 3rd in my division. Tony and Nancy slugged it out for the wild card spot, and Nancy prevailed! For the second year in a row, she made it to the playoffs! Pretty cool, you ask me. See?

Wealth & Beauty

West Division

Team W L T

cannon ball 12 2 0

The Punctuation 7 7 0

Omegahedrons 6 8 0

Charlatans EC 3 11 0

Central Division

Team W L T

The Mighty Bosh 11 3 0

CBS sucks 7 7 0

Nadia's Team 6 8 0

Candy Cave Dwellers 6 8 0

East Division

Team W L T

Minny's Meanies 9 5 0

Arsenal 7 7 0

Potato 6 7 1

Carl 3 10 1

Robert? Joe? They didn't do so well. Surpsising since they usually do great. I'm sure it had something to do with the magnetic pull of the moon and the tides. I could explain it better with a pointer and an easel.

In the solo league? Clobbered again. I had a shot at the playoffs, but that tailspin in the last few games did me in. If I'd won that second-to-last game I coulda' lost the last one and still made the playoffs. Instead I went with a "Why not lose both games?" plan. Next time? I might not do that.

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division

Team W L T

Cowboys from Hell 8 6 0

Steel Curtain 6 8 0

Mos Eisley Marauders 5 9 0

Florida Dolphins 2 12 0

East Division

Team W L T

Ash Kickers 10 4 0

James Gang 9 4 1

Second Stringers 9 5 0

Fightin' Squid 7 7 0

West Division

Team W L T

from bittercreek 10 4 0

packers 8 6 0

Denton County Saints 5 9 0

TPDG 4 9 1

Yeah, wound up in third in my division here too. Dammit. I was in first for quite a while, and then comfortably in second... then things went south. Sigh. This must be how Peyton Manning feels... except for less wealthy.

Finally in the "Coulda' been a contender" league... man, what a disappointment. Undefeated for so long, only to finish second in my division and out of the playoffs.

Idiots Legue

East Division

Team W L T

NJ MAaTHiyAZ 8 6 0

Blue Meanies 8 6 0

The Steamrollers 7 7 0

goldminers 4 9 1

Central Division

Team W L T

Pigs 8 4 2

Customs Cavity Searchers 8 5 1

Viagracide 6 8 0

Mighty Hamsters 5 9 0

West Division

Team W L T


FesturingTaserWound 8 6 0

San Diego THUNDER 7 7 0

Mrs. The Lunatic 5 9 0

Naturally that scenario I described a few weeks ago? The one and only way I could miss the playoffs? If I lost all of my remaining games and the teams behind me won out? If the first and second place teams in the other divisions hit just the right win/loss combination, thus driving me out of the wild card spot? Yeah, so that happened. Unbelievable.

So Nancy and I are enjoying a playoff run, which is pretty cool. Doing four leagues was definitely the way to go. Next year I'm sure I'm sure I can convince Nancy to do three, and I'll step up to five, and maybe we'll both make two playoff runs. I've started a list of up and coming gfantasy stars that I'll surely share with Nancy, and that she'll surely ignore while she kicks my ass in the drafts. She'll remind me on Sunday morning to "check my fellers," and Monday night we'll compare notes on who our new persoanl enemies are (this season's winners: Eli Manning and Rex Grossman) and you know? I'm looking forward to it already.

I'm ready for some football.

"I am Jack's smirking revenge. I am Jack's cold sweat. I am Jack's raging bile duct. I am Jack's broken heart. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise." ~Fight Club

Friday, December 15, 2006

Happy Festival Of Lights!


"Hanukkah refers to a second century (165 B.C.E.) conflict when Palestine was caught between two great Hellenistic powers: Egypt and Syria. This conflict divided the empire of Alexander the Great. Under Syrian power, there was a campaign to establish political and religious conformity by “Hellenizing” the Jews, forcing them to adopt Greek dress and customs. Even more serious, the Syrian emperor decreed that the Temple in Jerusalem, the national house of worship, would become a temple to the Greek god, Zeus. A small band of soldiers led by Judah Maccabee staged a successful rebellion against the Syrians and rededicated the Temple. Hanukkah celebrates the restoration of religious freedom, and the preservation of Jewish customs and the traditional Jewish worship service. The “Festival of Lights” refers to the legend of a miracle that occurred during the rededication of the Temple. When the Jews sought to rekindle the menorah in the Temple sanctuary, they found only enough purified oil to last one day, yet miraculously, the small portion of oil burned for eight days – the length of time required to purify new oil."

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Monday, December 11, 2006

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Christmas is early!

Lindsay Lohan's latest crazy email has been leaked and it makes even less sense than you thought it would.

"Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she's done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.

But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion. Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career. Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I'm willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to 'these people' trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I've gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change. For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I've lost in the recent days, years, months. I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak. Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing. Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask. So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile."

I mean, look, she wants to release a "politically/morally correct fully adequite letter" to the press? I dunno man, most people usually aim a little higher than barely satisfactory.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

A True Blue Spectacle

Hero or the goat time... and I was the goat.

Lost all but one. The thing about losing? It isn't the reason for the season, knowhatI'msayin'?

The office Yahoo legaue? Lost. Lost, might I add, by one point. I say again: By. One. Point.

*1. San Diego Zoo 13-0-0
*2. The Dirty Jedi's 11-2-0
*3. Chuck A Ducks 11-2-0
*4. Enigma 10-3-0
*5. Go Frenchy!! 9-4-0
*6. Tropical Depressions 9-4-0
*7. AllStar Chuck Norris 8-5-0
*8. Anal Tongue Darts 8-5-0
9. The Greasy Pablos 6-7-0
10. Ninerjunky08 6-7-0
11. Crabtree'sCrabapples 5-8-0
12. Hot Pipin Carl 5-8-0
13. MB Blitz 5-8-0
15. 5-8-0
16. san jose 49ers 5-8-0
17. Jumers Junkies 4-9-0
18. I Miss Baseball 4-9-0
19. Pig Skins & Beer 1-12-0
20. Blitzburgh 0-13-0

Of course, I'm still in the playoffs, and the fact is the loss may even help my chances in the playoffs by leading to a game against a weaker team in the first round... but it sucks, all the same. The better news -he typed sarcastically- is I left 50 points on my bench as I watched Reggie Bush -a running bacak I hadn't started in weeks 'cause he'd been sleeping through the season- score three rushing TDs and one receiving TD. Dammit.

The "Everyone" league? I won! My one little win. The bad news is it was at Joe's expense. Sorry Joe!

Wealth & Beauty

East Division
Team W L T
Minny's Meanies 8 5 0
Potato 6 6 1
Arsenal 6 7 0
Carl 3 9 1

Central Division
Team W L T
The Mighty Bosh 10 3 0
CBS sucks 7 6 0
Nadia's Team 6 7 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 5 8 0

West Division
Team W L T
cannon ball 11 2 0
The Punctuation 6 7 0
Omegahedrons 6 7 0
Charlatans EC 3 10 0

Nancy, by the way, trampled the dreaded "Cannonball!" Pretty impressive! Of course it looks like even she may miss the playoffs, but at least she thumped that guy once for the rest of us! Next week... next week Nancy and I go head to head again, and this time? I'm rooting for Nancy. Yes, I learned my lesson after the last time.

The solo league! Another loss!

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Team W L T
Cowboys from Hell 7 6 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 5 8 0
Steel Curtain 5 8 0
Florida Dolphins 2 11 0

East Division
Team W L T
Ash Kickers 9 4 0
Second Stringers 9 4 0
James Gang 8 4 1
Fightin' Squid 7 6 0

West Division
Team W L T
from bittercreek 9 4 0
packers 7 6 0
Denton County Saints 5 8 0
TPDG 4 8 1

This one sucked 'cause "Cowboys" actaully lost, so if I'd won I'd have been tied for first in my division. On top of that, I'm playing "Cowboys" next week, so winning there would have finally put me back in first, and in the playoffs. Now the best I can do is second place... and a whole lot of hoping for the numbers to pity me and sneak me into the playoffs anyway....

Oh, and on a side note: I was fairly confident I'd win this week 'cause I was playing someone who hadn't touched their line-up since Week 1, right? He was even starting a quarterback who hasn't played in months! That was the good news. The bad news was he had left Reggie Bush (yes, the same Reggie Bush I had benched in the Yahoo league) active... and as a result he rolled right over me. Irony sucks.

Last but most galling, I lost in the "once-mighty" league.

Idiots Legue

East Division
Team W L T
Blue Meanies 8 5 0
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 7 6 0
The Steamrollers 6 7 0
goldminers 4 8 1

Central Division
Team W L T
Pigs 8 4 1
Customs Cavity Searchers 8 5 0
Mighty Hamsters 5 8 0
Viagracide 5 8 0

West Division
Team W L T
FesturingTaserWound 7 6 0
San Diego THUNDER 6 7 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 5 8 0

Remember how I couldn't afford to lose every remaining game of the season? Well, I'm well on my way toward doing just that. And guess what? I lost to another manager who hasn't changed his lineup since the first week of the season. Am I bitter? Maybe a little.

So, going into the last week of the regular season I'm in the playoffs in one league, and hoping to make it in two others. Worst case scenario still my best ratio ever, but all it would take is a miracle to make it in all four leagues... and that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Friday, December 08, 2006

(For The Other Half Of The Sky)

"The years have passed so quickly
One thing I've understood
I am only learning
To tell the trees from the wood

I know what's coming down
And I know where it's coming from
And I know and I'm sorry (yes I am)
But I never could speak my mind

And I know just how you feel
And I know now what I have done
And I know and I'm guilty (yes I am)
But I never could read your mind

I know what I was missing
But now my eyes can see
I put myself in your place
As you did for me

Today I love you more than yesterday
Right now I love you more right now

And I know what's coming down
I can feel where it's coming from
And I know it's getting better (all the time)
As we share in each other's minds

Today I love you more than yesterday
Right now I love you more right now
Ooh hoo no more crying...
Ooh hoo no more crying...."

~ John Lennon, I Know I Know

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

What A Way To Make A Living

I know what you're thinking. "A Simpson sister screwing up during a live performance? How could it be?" The thought is so ridiculous it's almost unbelievable. I might as well have told you dragons were invading Florida or Santa got into a fist fight with the Loch Ness Monster.

Thanks Julie!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Silly Old Bear

“Pooh looked at his two paws. He knew that one of them was the right, and he knew that when you had decided which one of them was the right, then the other was the left, but he never could remember how to begin”
~Winnie The Pooh

Saturday, December 02, 2006

No Va

I tell you, this fantasy football thing is grueling.

One game. I won one game. Sweet jumpin' jesus.

In the office Yahoo league? I lost. I guess it doesn't really matter since I've clinched a playoff berth, but pride still counts for something, right? The worse news is my next two games are tougher than this last one, and my last game of the regular season is against the league juggernaut, San Diego Zoo. That's right: the undefeated guy. Dammit.

*1. San Diego Zoo 12-0-0

*2. The Dirty Jedi's 10-2-0

*3. Chuck A Ducks 10-2-0

*4. Tropical Depressions 9-3-0

*5. Enigma 9-3-0

6. Go Frenchy!! 8-4-0

7. AllStar Chuck Norris 7-5-0

8. Anal Tongue Darts 7-5-0

9. The Greasy Pablos 6-6-0

10. Ninerjunky08 6-6-0

11. Crabtree'sCrabapples 5-7-0

12. Hot Pipin Carl 5-7-0

13. MB Blitz 5-7-0


15. 5-7-0

16. I Miss Baseball 4-8-0

17. san jose 49ers 4-8-0

18. Jumers Junkies 3-9-0

19. Blitzburgh 0-12-0

20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-12-0

Tony just slipped out of the playoffs, but Robert? He's still in 'em, as usual. Odds are I'll play him in the first round... which could be bad for your beloved Tropical Depressions.

In the "Everyone league?" I lost.

Wealth & Beauty

West Division

Team W L T

cannon ball 11 1 0

The Punctuation 5 7 0

Omegahedrons 5 7 0

Charlatans EC 3 9 0

Central Division

Team W L T

The Mighty Bosh 10 2 0

CBS sucks 6 6 0

Nadia's Team 6 6 0

Candy Cave Dwellers 4 8 0

East Division

Team W L T

Minny's Meanies 7 5 0

Potato 6 6 0

Arsenal 6 6 0

Carl 3 9 0

I guess it doesn't really matter much here either, but for different reasons. Here I'm out of the playoff picture, so all I have left is pride. Nancy could still make the playoffs though, if she hangs on to second in our division, so I'm typing this with fingers crossed. Ow.

Tony has a shot at the playoffs too. Joe? Robert? Not so much.

In the solo league? I won! My one wee win!


Slobber Knockers 2

West Division

Team W L T

from bittercreek 8 4 0

packers 7 5 0

Denton County Saints 5 7 0

TPDG 3 8 1 0

Central Division

Team W L T

Cowboys from Hell 7 5 0 0

Mos Eisley Marauders 5 7 0

Steel Curtain 4 8 0

Florida Dolphins 1 11 0

East Division

Team W L T

Second Stringers 9 3 0

James Gang 8 3 1

Ash Kickers 8 4 0

Fightin' Squid 6 6 0

If I can win next week, and if Cowboys From Hell loses, I could maybe make the playoffs... maybe. Yeah, I'm not so sure either.

Finally, in the league where once I was the juggernaut? Not. I lost. Again.

Idiots Legue

East Division

Team W L T

Blue Meanies 8 4 0

The Steamrollers 6 6 0

NJ MAaTHiyAZ 6 6 0

goldminers 3 8 1

Central Division

Team W L T

Pigs 7 4 1

Customs Cavity Searchers 7 5 0

Mighty Hamsters 5 7 0

Viagracide 5 7 0

West Division

Team W L T


FesturingTaserWound 7 5 0

San Diego THUNDER 5 7 0

Mrs. The Lunatic 5 7 0

I'm still #1 in the league, but so far my worst case scenario is panning out. If I lose the rest of the games in the regular season, I could miss the playoffs... even after going so long undefeated, and 99% of the season as the number one team.

I tell you, I just don't know about this fantasy life.

Friday, December 01, 2006

No One Is His Co-Pilot

USA Today has the first shot of the Fantasticar ("fantastic" + "car," get it?) from the upcoming Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Combining the attractiveness of gold plastic with the elegant shape of a ladies' razor, designed by super genius Fantastic Four leader Reed Richards specifically for the team, it appears to seat three.

And you wonder why the Mad Thinker always kicks their asses?

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Ho, Ho... No?

But Santa enjoys Santa's Butt.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Keep your eye on the ball, or creampuff, or whatever.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Poster Boy(s)

Like an emotional high schooler's performance art piece, Spider-Man externalizes his inner duality with two elaborate colorful costumes in the new poster for Spider-Man 3.

Blue-and-red Spidey likes smiles, punctuality, and watching an hour-and-a-half block of Everybody Loves Raymond from 6 to 7:30 each night. Black suit Spidey likes listening to My Chemical Romance albums, looking down when photographed, and completing MySpace surveys with ironic answers. Which speaks to you? See the movie and find out!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Battle Of Nitwits

According to a family friend, Britney Spears is "seriously thinking about" giving away a digitally re-mastered copy of her sex tape for free so Kevin Federline can't make any money off of it.

" "Brit figures she'll beat that sucker to the punch, just like she did by giving away pictures of Jayden James," said Spears family friend Nyla Price, 55, the owner of Nyla's Burger Basket. "Half of nuthin' is nuthin', and that's what her lying skunk of a husband will get if she gives that video away before he can find some sleazeball to buy it." Federline has been saying the sex tape is four hours long, however, Price says the tape is closer to forty-five minutes."

This is like a battle of wits between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline to see who can screw each other over the most. I'd compare it to an intricate game of chess but it's really more like a pig wrestling contest.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Fickle Fantasy Football Fates. Figures.

Yeah, that went about as well as I expected.

Won one; lost three. What did I tell you about the fantasy football fates? That's right: they're fickle. And you want a little piece of advice? When you go head-to-head with your wife in fantasy football? Lose. Lose in a hurry... unless you like losing 75% of your games, that is.

At least I won in the office Yahoo league.

*1. San Diego Zoo 11-0-0
*2. The Dirty Jedi's 10-1-0
*3. Tropical Depressions 9-2-0
*4. Chuck A Ducks 9-2-0
5. Go Frenchy!! 8-3-0
6. HaikuNaziKillers 8-3-0
7. AllStar Chuck Norris 7-4-0
8. Anal Tongue Darts 6-5-0
9. The Greasy Pablos 5-6-0
10. Crabtree'sCrabapples 5-6-0
11. Hot Pipin Carl 5-6-0
12. Ninerjunky08 5-6-0
13. MB Blitz 5-6-0
15. 4-7-0
16. san jose 49ers 4-7-0
17. I Miss Baseball 3-8-0
18. Jumers Junkies 2-9-0
19. Blitzburgh 0-11-0
20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-11-0

The other bit of good news here is that I clinched a playoff berth. I don't think that's ever happened before. Kinda' cool. I should also take this opportunity to explain the "no haiku" rule in the Yahoo league. See, I started submitting haiku to the league message board 'round about week two. Turns out there's only one other fan of haiku in the league (that'd be Robert, he of the "HaikuNaziKillers"), but nevertheless we've been posting haiku for weeks now, despite the slings and arrows we've suffered. I don't know if the others in the league are insecure in their masculinity, or too stupid to figure out the 5-7-5 rule, but what I do know is they're a buncha' haiku hating babies... which eventually lead to the commissioner's "no haiku" rule. More than a rule, he made it plain that anyone submitting haiku risked season-ending injury to their quarterback. I laughed. I pooh-poohed... until Sunday.

Did I mention I lost in the "everyone" league?

Wealth & Beauty

East Division
Team W L T
Minny's Meanies 6 5 0 0
Potato 6 5 0
Arsenal 5 6 0
Carl 3 8 0 0

Central Division
Team W L T
The Mighty Bosh 10 1 0
CBS sucks 6 5 0
Nadia's Team 5 6 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 3 8 0

West Division
Team W L T
cannon ball 10 1 0
Omegahedrons 5 6 0
The Punctuation 4 7 0
Charlatans EC 3 8 0

Did I mention my quarterback got one measley point? Did I mention his name? Donovan McNabb. Donovan -"Torn ACL, out for the year"- McNabb. I'd write a haiku about it if I wasn't so busy scrambling for another quarterback. If there's a silver lining it's that I'm still in second place in the division... but my point total sucks, so the playoffs are likely out of reach. Dammit.

The solo league? Lost.

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Team W L T
Cowboys from Hell 6 5 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 4 7 0
Steel Curtain 4 7 0
Florida Dolphins 1 10 0

East Division
Team W L T
Ash Kickers 8 3 0
Second Stringers 8 3 0
James Gang 7 3 1
Fightin' Squid 6 5 0

West Division
Team W L T
from bittercreek 7 4 0
packers 6 5 0
Denton County Saints 5 6 0
TPDG 3 7 1

I didn't lose a quarterback here... but I did lose a wide receiver for the day. Dammit. same story; stayed in second. At least I have a shot at the playoffs here, one way or another... he said humbly to the fantasy football fates.

Finally, in my league with Nancy. The league I scratched out the win over Nancy just last week?Yup. Lost. I'm told it serves me right. You make the call.

Idiots Legue

Central Division
Team W L T
Pigs 7 3 1
Customs Cavity Searchers 6 5 0
Viagracide 5 6 0
Mighty Hamsters 4 7 0

East Division
Team W L T
Blue Meanies 8 3 0
The Steamrollers 5 6 0
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 5 6 0
goldminers 3 7 1

West Division
Team W L T
FesturingTaserWound 7 4 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 4 7 0
San Diego THUNDER 4 7 0

Still #1. That's cool. I did the math though, and if I do nothing but lose, and one or the other of the two teams closest to me in my division does nothing but win, I'll likely miss the playoffs. I'd be the Indianapolis Colts of the league. I'm hoping for better than that. Hoping, mind you, despite that Donovan McNabb was my quarterback here too... dammit.

Ironically, his name is five syllables long.

Friday, November 24, 2006

I Am My Beloved's, And My Beloved Is Mine

"Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?" ~Natira, For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky, stardate 5476.3.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

You Know, For Kids

"Oh my God! They're turkeys!"

You Know, For Dogs

Turkey Cookies for Dogs


2 cups of whole-wheat flour

2 jars of turkey flavored baby food

½ cup of chicken broth

Place the oven rack in the center of the oven and pre heat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Place 1 slightly greased baking sheet on the side.

Use a large bowl and a wire whisk to mix the whole-wheat flour and the turkey flavored baby food together. Continue mixing until it acquires a soft dough consistency. If it looks like the dough mixture is a little too dry just add in a little bit more chicken broth. Continue mixing it until the dough pulls away from the bowl it is in.

Break off small pieces from the dough and form them into little marble size balls. Roll them in between your floured hands. Then place them over the baking sheet and press them down onto it with a fork leaving them around ¼ inch thick.

Bake for around 18 to 20 minutes or until the cookies have acquired a golden brown color and look dry. Then remove them from the oven and place the tray over a rack and allow the cookies to cool completely. Turn the oven off.

Once the cookies have cooled, put them back inside the warm oven and allow them to sit in there undisturbed without opening the oven door for 10 to 15 hours straight.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Monday, November 20, 2006

Dance On A Volcano

Blah, blah, blah. "Tomkat got married." When did the fake spaceship land? How long was the laser light show? How did they excise that baby from Tom's chest? Was anyone ever able to stop John Travolta from smirking into a plastic stein? The media has truly abandoned us.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Four And Oh. Oh Dear.

I am mighty!

Four games, and I won them all!

Am I pleased? Sure... but wary, 'cause the football fates are fickle, and even though I'd argue that I was due, they'd most likely disagree, and would probably feel the need to humble me. That, and the fact that one of the games I won was against my beloved wife... on our anniversary weekend. Yeah... next week's games may not go so well.

But in the menatime, back to the basking! In the office Yahoo league? I won!

*1. San Diego Zoo 10-0-0
2. The Dirty Jedi's 9-1-0 .
3. Go Frenchy!! 8-2-0
4. HaikuNaziKillers 8-2-0
5. Tropical Depressions 8-2-0
6. Chuck A Ducks 8-2-0
7. AllStar Chuck Norris 6-4-0
8. Crabtree'sCrabapples 5-5-0
9. The Greasy Pablos 5-5-0
10. Anal Tongue Darts 5-5-0
11. Hot Pipin Carl 5-5-0
12. Ninerjunky08 4-6-0
13. MB Blitz 4-6-0
14. DEM HOODSTARZ 4-6-0 .
15. san jose 49ers 4-6-0
16. I Miss Baseball 3-7-0
17. 3-7-0
18. Jumers Junkies 1-9-0
19. Blitzburgh 0-10-0
20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-10-0

Still stalled in 5th, but in the hunt for second! The dreaded "San Diego Zoo" has a lock on 1st (as usual) and has secured a berth in the playoffs already (as usual). I don't know how that guy does it every year, but every year he dominates like... like... like a person who's good at dominating things. It'd piss me off if I wasn't so impressed.

In the solo league? Chalk up a "W!"

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Team W L T
Cowboys from Hell 5 5 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 4 6 0
Steel Curtain 3 7 0
Florida Dolphins 0 10 0

East Division
Team W L T
Ash Kickers 8 2 0
James Gang 7 3 0
Second Stringers 7 3 0
Fightin' Squid 6 4 0

West Division
Team W L T
from bittercreek 7 3 0
packers 5 5 0
Denton County Saints 5 5 0
TPDG 3 7 0

The only way I'll make the playoffs here is if I get back into 1st place in my division. I coulda' done it if "Cowboys" had cooperated and lost. Bastard. I'd like to say I could do it next week... but those fickle football fates do have some say in matters, remember....

In the league in which we're all battling it out? Yup! Another win! For me the good news was I won, and Joe and Nancy lost. That put me back in 2nd in the division. No one is gonna' catch that @^*# "Cannonball," but if I can hold on to 2nd I could make the playoffs... maybe. Actually, at this point Tony has the best shot at that Wild card spot. And Robert? I dunno' what happened to him. Even I beat him in this league... he's still a juggernaut in the Yahoo league, but here, not so much.

Wealth & Beauty

West Division
Team W L T
cannon ball 9 1 0
Omegahedrons 5 5 0
Charlatans EC 3 7 0
The Punctuation 3 7 0

Central Division
Team W L T
The Mighty Bosh 9 1 0
CBS sucks 5 5 0
Nadia's Team 5 5 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 3 7 0

East Division
Team W L T
Potato 6 4 0
Minny's Meanies 5 5 0
Arsenal 5 5 0
Carl 2 8 0

Last but not least, the game I played against Nancy... happy anniversary Nancy! Ummmmm, yeah... I won. Oops. I even tried to lose, but I wound up winning at the last minute on Monday night by two points. 'till then, we were tied, believe it or not. So, what I'm sayin' is, the football fates? They may feel the need for a reckoning. Anyway, check it out:

Idiots Legue

East Division
Team W L T
Blue Meanies 8 2 0
The Steamrollers 4 6 0
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 4 6 0
goldminers 3 6 1

Central Division
Team W L T
Pigs 6 3 1
Customs Cavity Searchers 5 5 0
Viagracide 5 5 0
Mighty Hamsters 4 6 0

West Division
Team W L T
FesturingTaserWound 6 4 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 4 6 0
San Diego THUNDER 4 6 0

Yeah... I won. Unless I lose every game left, (and one or the other of the 4-6 teams in my division wins every game left) I should make the playoffs. So, hopefully, I'll make the playoffs.

Hopefully. Hear me, football fates? Hear the humbleness in my voice? Can I get you a drink, football fates? Run to Blockbuster for you? You just let me know... I'll be here... all humble and junk.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Isn't That Just Like A Moonraker?

In celebration of the release of Casino Royale this Friday, our fellow denizens of the internet have provided the introduction sequences of every Bond film to date. Watching them all gives you a real sense of how, no matter how much the film quality, effects or actors may have changed from film to film, one thing has remained constant: the exploitation of women as purely sexual objects.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Star's Her Desperation

Star Jones showed up at the Dancing With The Stars afterparty looking like, uh, well, this.

I can't even look at it. She's like those leather-skinned creatures in Beastmaster who'd leap up behind some hapless traveller in the plain, wrap their leathery wings around him, and leech him dry... leaving the bones, of course. Maybe for a snack for an amusing ferret who'd surely pilfer a key sooner or later.

Just make sure you remember what this looks like, because if the devil were to ever take human form this is it right here.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Federline In The Sand

First Britney stuns us with her ironclad prenup, now this? In the smartest -and sleaziest- move yet, Kevin Federline is using his alleged 4-hour sex tape with Britney Spears to leverage custody of their kids... oh, and of $30 million. He's already been offered $50 million by companies wanting to distribute it on the web, but says he'd sell it back to Britney for a mere $30 million and custody of their two kids. A source close (but not too close... that'd be icky) to K-Fed says:

"At the time the two of them were in the honeymoon stages of the relationship and couldn't keep their hands off each other. They did nothing all day but have sex - and play the odd game of chess. They were insatiable and they believed they would be together forever. Britney didn't think twice about making the video at the time. She mistakenly believed that their love would last. They adored filming each other. They lived their lives in front of the cameras - even making a short-lived reality TV show of their exploits. Sex was no different to them, it seems. Now this video could prove very costly to her. Millions of people will be prepared to pay to watch. Kevin has told Britney she should comply with his demands otherwise the whole world will see her having sex, which will be devastating. At the moment Kev is in talks with a company in Arizona about putting the four-hour sex vid online. If it all goes to plan he'll make [$50 million] from it."

If Britney doesn't cave and hand over the children I'm sure a judge will. Because when you see a man of such moral character and integrity as Kevin Federline there's no way you can deny him the privilege of raising children.