Saturday, June 30, 2007

Why Won't Video Kill The Video Star?

In case you missed it, here's the entire Larry King interview with Paris Hilton. It's pretty hilarious how seriously she takes herself, and really, not at all surprising. If you've got 40 minutes to kill I totally recommend watching it. Although you'll definitely want to kill yourself afterwards, so watch out for that.

In case you needed the, um, "inaccuracies" outlined, David Letterman did the heavy lifting for you!

(Thanks Julie!)

Friday, June 29, 2007

How Far From The Tree, Exactly?

Apple Announces Newton Subsidiary
New Company to Focus on Computing & Communications
For Mobile Users

CUPERTINO, Calif.--May 22, 1997--
Apple Computer, Inc.

today announced the formation of a subsidiary that will
focus on meeting the computing and communications needs of
today's corporate mobile users. The new company, to be
named at a later date, will provide customers with
market-driven products and technologies, based on the
award-winning Newton operating system, in conjunction
with its licensees, value-added resellers,
and systems integrators.

"Over the past year, we have seen the Newton Systems Group
launch compelling products based on the Newton operating
system," said Dr. Gilbert F. Amelio, Chairman and CEO of
Apple Computer, Inc. "We believe that the time is right to
establish the group as a focused entity. This decision
allows the new subsidiary to pursue its business
and create the marketing and operating strategies
it needs to succeed."

The new company will be led by a CEO to be named and
newly appointed Chief Operating Officer Sandy Benett.
Benett was previously vice president of the
Newton Systems Group and has been responsible for
managing the group for the past few years. A search is
currently underway to find an experienced CEO to lead
the organization and complement the existing management team.

The new company will focus on developing products as well as
licensable technologies targeted at meeting the needs of
mobile users in corporate markets--initially concentrating
on healthcare, sales force automation, and field service
industries. The new company will provide platform
technologies, including the Newton operating system,
development tools, APIs, and documentation to enable the
development of products for such markets.

"We have a solid business plan and a strong management team
in place to optimize the value of Newton technology for
corporate users and take Newton technology into a new era,"
said Benett.

Products built on the Newton operating system include the
MessagePad 2000 handheld computer and the eMate 300
mobile computer for the education market.

The new company will continue to support, sell, and market
the current MessagePad 2000 in the retail channel.
The Company will also build on the success of prior
MessagePad products by continuing to deliver the
MessagePad 2000 and follow-on products to corporate markets.
It will be strengthening the organization to fully support
this sector.

The new company will serve the education market through
Apple. Apple Computer, Inc. will continue to support, sell,
and market the eMate family of portable computer products
into the education community based on technology delivered
by the new company.

"eMate 300 is part of Apple's long-term strategy and vision
for education technology, " said Mike Lorion, vice president
of Apple's Education Division. "We will continue to
aggressively market and support the product. We are looking
forward to working closely with the Newton team on future
versions of the eMate to continue to meet the unique
requirements of educators and students."

Current Newton licensees include Schlumberger, Sharp,
Digital Ocean, and Harris Corporation. Technology allies
include ARM Limited, Digital Equipment Corporation,
Paragraph International, and Cirrus Logic.

Apple expects the transition to be completed by June 30,
1997. The organization will remain based in Northern

Apple Computer, Inc., a recognized innovator in the
information industry and leader in multimedia technologies,
creates powerful solutions based on easy-to-use personal
computers, servers, peripherals, software, handheld computers
and Internet content. Headquartered in Cupertino, California,
Apple develops, manufactures, licenses and markets solutions,
products, technologies and services for business, education,
consumer, entertainment, scientific and engineering and
government customers in more than 140 countries.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Virtua Rocker

Holy shit!

The Air Guitar Pro is a guitar designed for air guitarists that actually plays music. You hold the chord buttons on the fretboard and then strum the air. Infrared sensors in the neck detect the hand motions and it plays the note. If you're not into playing your own music it also comes with preloaded tracks. The final product will ship in July but importer HimeyaShop is taking pre-orders now for about $27.

As rad as it is, it does seem like actually playing music kind of defeats the purpose of an air guitar. It's like having an imaginary friend who's also a real person.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Eat The Rich

Paris Hilton was released from prison yesterday, just after midnight. Don't believe me? Ask these guys. Or these guys. Or that deaf, dumb, blind guy at the pinball machine. She served 23 days in jail and lost nearly 10 pounds during her stay.

Oh, and if you were wondering how she passed the time in the hole, TMZ got their hands on an amazingly realistic self portrait Paris Hilton drew of herself while at the Lynwood jail. The picture shows her standing at a pay phone inside the jail and she's even got Larry King Live on in the background. Some people call the Mona Lisa a masterpiece, but that's only because they've never seen this.

And in other news, I found an old cake sitting on the sidewalk. Free dessert!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Lock Mess Monster

This guy could totally fit at least three more locks on there. Unless, you know, he's okay not having the most secure bicycle ever. Oh, and he should maybe think about gluing a shark to the seat.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Are You For Real?

25 years ago today, Blade Runner opened to mostly-empty theaters. I saw it the week it came out, mostly because I'd seen Ridley Scott's Alien, and because Cameron told me there was a naked girl in it. I didn't get the film then, but it left a lasting impression... and no, not just because of the scene Cameron told me to keep an eye out for.

I just watched it again (for the, ohhhh, bajillionth time) and the film’s nuance is so clear to me now that I can’t believe it ever eluded me to begin with. More than Cronenewth’s breathtaking photography or Trumbull’s sweeping visual effects…Blade Runner’s greatest power is in its ideas:

  • The idea that the “bad guys” in the film aren’t bent on world domination, or the attainment of riches. Their “crime” was that they are desperate…and would do anything…to live. The fugitives being sought by Harrison Ford’s character were born with a limited life span. But in their four years of existence, they’d lived more meaningful lives & enjoyed far richer experiences than some people manage over decades…and they didn’t want to let go. To some extent, Blade Runner is a film about killing – but in being so, it is ultimately a potent exaltation of life.
  • The idea that our “hero” (perhaps “protagonist” is a better word in this instance) was trying to kill people who just wanted to live – people whose death warrant was written only by virtue of their being born. Sure they did wrong things, but they did wrong things for reasons most of us could understand. The desire to survive, after all, is a strong motivator. For the unenlightened in Blade Runner, creatures with beauty, talent, a sense of place, and searching for belonging deserved to be shot in the back on a rainy street like an unwanted animal.

  • It's about the simple, gut-wrenching truth that the beauty we see around us and the moments we cherish will never be understood by others... and that they may simply vanish completely when our bodies stop working. It's realizing that they were right, you are special, but that thing they told you about it mattering? That was a lie.

Is that a downer? Can a 16-year old kid in the back of the Cinedome really get that message on a Saturday afternoon? I don't know for sure, but at 40 years old I can tell you this:

Blade Runner might best be seen as a call for self-empowerment, self-awareness, and self-appreciation. We can share many, many elements of our lives with others, but, in the end, each of us experiences uniquely, appreciates uniquely, and sees through unique eyes.

Blade Runner says that what we carry with us…and who we are inside…is more valuable than any of the trappings by which we define ourselves on a daily basis. Like nearly every character in the film, perhaps the greatest challenge most of us will ever face is a deceptively simple one: make every moment count.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Bird On A Wire

Britney Spears was spotted at Petco recently buying herself a new pet parakeet. Which is a great idea, because if Britney Spears needs anything, it's more responsibility in her life. According to an imaginary witness I made up, Britney was spotted leaving Petco rubbing her hands together and saying, "This is going to be delicious!"

(Didn't Britney used to have kids? I'm pretty sure they're in a cage somewhere, waving a sippy cup back and forth along the bars and singing the blues.)

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Almighty Then!

Eight minutes of Evan Almighty are now online, and it's about as funny as one can expect from a movie that steals premises from Tim Allen. In the clip, Evan struggles to control his hilarious beard growth and tries to explain to his wife why he wants to build a boat.

Don't you get it, hon? God's going to murder all the sinners he created. The lord hates sinners! Or maybe he loves murdering. Anyway, bottom line, we need a boat to survive the drowning of humanity. Isn't life funny sometimes?

Friday, June 22, 2007

Poor Li'l Rich Girl

Paris Hilton has been responding to fan mail to keep busy in prison and E! obtained a copy of one of her letters. Paris scribbles:

"I read your letter and just wanted to thank you for your kind words of love and support. The fact that you took time out of your day to write me truly means the world. Especially at such a difficult and scary time in my life. But I am being strong and trying to make the best out of the situation. And the letters I'm receiving really do put a smile on my face as I sit here in my cell, sad and alone. Again, thank you so much and may God bless you and your family.

Love always, Paris Hilton."

It's nice that she's responding to all her "fan" mail, but is that seriously how she signs her name? She's like a five year old. I keep expecting to see a drawing of a unicorn in the margin. If you asked a bunch of third graders to write the exact same message, Paris' version would be the second worst. And only because one of the kids took a dump on his paper instead of using a pencil. And even then it was a tough call.

NOTE: You know she concentrated so hard on this letter, brow furrowed, tongue hanging out the side of her mouth, trying so hard to make each line neat and straight, and yet she still somehow managed to misspell 'receiving.'

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Unpainted Huffheinz

This looks like it could be the darkest Coen brothers movie yet... and you know how I love a Coen brothers movie. Plus it has Tommy Lee Jones? And appears to have a scene where a guy gets his brains blown out with an air compressor?

Count me in.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Tick Tock Bang Bang

You know what's a good idea? A desk clock that looks just like a revolver.

The pistol clock costs $20 and is perfect to keep in your pocket so you can whip it out whenever you need to know the time. Especially around police officers. Don't even wait for them to ask the time, just pull it out and tell them. You'll be doing them a favor. Just make sure to get their attention first by yelling something like, "Hey, cop!" and then quickly -abruptly is best, actually- yank it out of your pocket. For extra fun you should also probably yell "Bang bang bang!" Because, you know, people really like hearing that right before the time.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Bat Pod, Bat Pod, Bat Pooooooood!

It's the Bat Pod! More than a motorcycle, less than... well, a car.

Words, they fail me.

Wanna' see it go? Click here!

Monday, June 18, 2007

The Prime Of Our Life

This new poster for Transformers makes it pretty obvious that Optimus Prime is just a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot they've painted some flames on.

That being typed... come on... he rules, right?

Jeeze... I'm such a ten-year old....

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Saturday, June 16, 2007

The Dark Knight Is Rising

Someone named Zejr's subscription to Entertainment Weekly brings us the first look at the new Batman costume from The Dark Knight, the first of many ploys to sell nerds and children more action figures. The updated suit has a more segmented look and a separate, motorcycle helmet-style headpiece that will finally allow the caped crusader to turn his head. Here's one dude that's done with verbal negatives! It's all head shaking from here on out!

In other news, the wiley folks at snapped the first pic of the Joker's car! As Nancy said "Who knew the Joker drove Fred Sanford's truck?"

I think it's great, but it doesn't stand a chance against the Batmobile.

And finally, the first teaser poster for The Dark Knight was just released! It features that same hi-rez close-up of the Joker's face we saw a few weeks ago, and a tagline I like better with every reading.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Who'll Wield The Magic Putter Now?

Just in case you've been under a rock far from Contestants' Row, you'll want to make sure to catch The Price is Right this Friday, which will be Bob Barker's last morning hosting the show.

If you don't want to fake sick to stay home and watch it at 11am like you usually do, CBS will re-air the episode at 8pm, most likely with fewer ads for life insurance and diabetes. At least that'll give you time to lay bets online on the day's rousing round of Plinko.

Though it's sad to see Bob leave after these 35 long years, the day will be celebrated nationally with a free spaying/neutering of your pet! No, really! Tell your vet I said so! What, does he hate animals or something? Jerk.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Mentally Il

I can't decide if this exemplifies what's wrong with the world, or just with the Democrats.

Representative Diane Watson (D-California) has introduced a bill that would provide funding to screen Hollywood classics in U.S. Embassies and Consulates worldwide, in the hopes that the flicks will convince people that the American way of life is not evil.

"My legislation is designed to stock libraries of U.S. embassies and consulates with films that promote the American way of life and then loosen current restrictions so that the public can have greater access," Watson said. "Many of us have forgotten that we didn't win the Cold War just because our military and economy were superior, but also because the Warsaw Pact countries bought into our ideals and beliefs in democracy, human rights, the rule of law and the free flow of information."
Hey, it worked in North Korea, right? Oh wait....

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The Death Of Reasons

Don Herbert, the former children's TV science host better known as "Mr. Wizard" died yesterday after a long battle with an evil, more powerful wizard.

Just kidding! As usual, it was disease that beat science once again. It's really a sad loss for the kid's science television show community, which will now have to hand over leadership to the slightly more obnoxious Bill Nye or the vastly more obnoxious Beakman. Either way, science will never be the same.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

USB Pretentious As You Wanna' Be

This USB stick comes in either 14 or 18 carat gold and is available with diamonds for $3,500 or without diamonds for a mere $2,800. The catalog doesn't even list the storage capacity because, well, who cares about that crap. The only goal when you buy something like this is to show off how rich you are. Personally, I just tape a bunch of cash to my USB stick. $100 bills, baby. That's how I roll.

Monday, June 11, 2007


I don't know if you've seen many of the nearly-ubiquitous "Lolcats", but trust me when I tell you they're about as annoying as a broken bag of soggy potato chips. Imagine Prince was swallowed by a really chatty 5-year old... then throw in a kitten for good measure.

Somehow, though, these "Lolbats"... what's the word... aren't.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Made In America

The final episode of The Sopranos airs in just over 7 hours here on the West Coast. I can't tell if I really care, or if I'm just caught up in the cultural zeitgeist. I felt the same way when everyone was buying Rubik's Cubes and later when they were flocking to see Urban Cowboy... and it turns out I didn't care about those things after all.

But, to the point: does Tony get whacked?

My guess is no. Really just because it's too predictable, and The Sopranos is nothing if not predictable (yeah, I'm talking to you, Russian in the woods and any one of you Middle-Easterners who spend more time being mentioned than filmed!).

So here's my guess: Tony lives. We learn that sometime last season Paulie Walnuts struck a bargain with Phil Leotardo in which in exchange for eliminating the New Jersey family, Paulie gets to be boss of Phil's New Jersey operation, reporting directly to Phil, naturally. With that deal in place, the simple fact is Paulie's doomed either way. He has to betray either Tony or Phil, and I don't know much, but I know neither will stand for that, so it's time to draw the curtain on Paulie Walnuts.

If Tony lives, Phil almost certainly has to die. We know there are problems on his side of the river that have nothing to do with the Jersey gang (remember Phil's heir apparent who got gunned down at dinner, right in front of Silvio?), so I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he gets killed by anyone but a member of Tony's gang, and if Tony fills that vacuum with some puppet of his own... heck, maybe Junior has an idea... the meds seem to be working....

On the homefront, I'm almost positive Meadow's joining the choir invisible as well. Think about it: she started the series as whiney, self-important, spoiled daddy's girl, and she's grown into... well, an angel. My guess: Tony survives the final act, but is left surrounded only by those who despise him.

I guess it really was all about family.

UPDATE, 10:06pm: Huh. So that happened.

Friday, June 08, 2007

The Lynwood Redemption

Well my friends, hard as it is to believe, Paris Hilton has been ordered back to jail in Lynwood and will serve out her 23-day sentence with a credit for the 5 days she's already served.

Reporters say she was crying through the entire process and, when Judge Michael Sauer gave his decision, she let out a huge cry and said, "This isn't right!" She was then physically dragged out of the courtroom by a female deputy, in tears, screaming, "Mom! Mom! Mom!"

Some witnesses say they saw a rainbow above the courtroom. And others say they saw a giant man in the clouds with a white beard nodding his head approvingly. And me? Well I saw Judge Michael Sauer grow to be twelve feet tall, with muscles the size of tree trunks. And when he smiled, little cartoon hearts appeared above my head, and tiny yellow birdies tied brightly-colored bows in my hair while they chirped merrily in my ears.

UPDATE: TMZ just posted the judge's court order to bring Paris back to court. Take a look.

I'm no graphologist, but I'd say that judge is pissed!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Karma Is For Suckers

Jumpin' jesus on a pogo stick.

TMZ reports Paris Hilton was released from jail early this morning after serving less than five days of her already reduced 23 day sentence (her original sentence was 45 days). She's been fitted with an ankle bracelet and put under house arrest for the next 40 days. She was apparently released from jail due to medical reasons, although the LA County Sheriff's department has refused to release details about the "medical issue" due to confidentiality. After the 40 days are up, the LA County Sheriff's department says she will have "fulfilled her debt to society."

Of course. We were fucking morons to think Paris might actually serve out her sentence. Tomorrow they'll probably take off the ankle bracelet and issue a full apology. Then give her some sort of medal and make her President of the United States of America.

PS: Since when is being rich and famous considered a medical condition? Weird.

UPDATE: So apparently Paris Hilton's medical condition was purely psychological and she was released from "prison" because she was in danger of having a nervous breakdown. TMZ reports:

"Psychiatrist Charles Sophy visited Hilton in jail yesterday and the day
before. We're told after Sophy's visit yesterday, word was passed to the Sheriff
that Hilton's mental state was fragile and she was at risk. The reason for
releasing her had nothing to do with a rash or other physical issues. It was
purely in her head."
jesus fucking christ. So the big medical reason that got Paris Hilton released was that she wasn't happy in jail. Which, I always thought, was sort of the whole point of prison. Was she expecting to ride on unicorns and dance under waterfalls? It's fucking prison. So the moral of the story is: if you're ever put in prison just put on a frowny face and they'll let you go.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Paris Rules

Who could have guessed?

Remember that video clip of Paris Hilton trying not to cry as Sarah Silverman made fun of her at the MTV Movie Awards? Well Paris was overheard backstage saying:

"She's a fucking bitch. I hate her."

Oh, my ears! My poor, poor innocent ears! Who knew our li'l Paris was capable of such petty anger? Not me. No sir! I once saw a man kill her parents, feed their bloody stumps to a mangy puppy, kill that and then make fun of the way Paris was dressed. And you know what she did? Do you know what Paris did? She bought him a Yoo-Hoo. Because that's just the kind of girl she is. A heart so warm it makes rainbows cry.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Mother Stands For Nothing

While her daughter Lindsay Lohan is off in rehab, mother of the year, Dina Lohan, is in talks with E! to get her own reality show called Mom-ager in which she'll "try to turn her youngest children, Ali, 14, and Cody, 11, into stars." An insider tells Page Six:

"Can you believe that? She totally messed up Lindsay by making her a 'star' and living vicariously through her - and now she's going to do the same to the other two? How the [bleep] can E! do this? Those kids should be in school having normal lives, the life that Lindsay didn't get to have."

Well this is just a really really great idea. I mean, sliced bread? That was pretty good, but this makes that look like cow poo. Look how great Lindsay Lohan turned out. Why do other mothers even try? They should just give up now and let Dina Lohan raise their children. Or, you know, a wild badger. They'd probably turn out the same.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

The Final Frontier

Okay, that has to be it... right? We're all out of things in America that haven't made reference or pledged allegiance to Star Wars at this point. The last bastion of popular culture that had heretofore gone unsullied by Star Wars just bit the dust... or beat the furlong... or something.

The saddest part? I totally woulda' bet on that horse.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Mean, Mean Pride

Nathan Sawaya is an artist who creates pretty amazing sculptures out of LEGO bricks. And they're not just recreations of objects, like a car or a building, but actual sculptures. Although none of them compare to my LEGO masterpiece: a giant rectangle.

Check out a gallery of Nathan Sawaya's work here.

Friday, June 01, 2007

The Powerful Mach 5!

Holy shit.They got the car right!
They got the car right!
They got the car right!
They got the car right!
They got the car right!