Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
In what's being billed as the "Archie Story of the Century," perennially indecisive loverboy Archie Andrews has finally chosen the raven-haired Veronica Lodge over sunny girl-next-door Betty Cooper, according to the official Archie Comics website.
"Could it be true? Has Archie finally decided to take the plunge and propose to comics' favourite rich girl? It sure looks that way!" read a note posted online Wednesday."The whole fiasco will be spread out over six comics (issues # 600-605) and culminate in Veronica catching Archie and Betty together (in a sexually suggestive situation) the night before their wedding and then locking the two in a hotel room and burning the building to the ground with a flamethrower constructed of kittens. I'm pretty sure that's exactly right... give or take the truth.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
"This really makes me sad. I thought we were more forward thinking than this, and I'm disappointed in the Supreme Court for being so closed minded. Everyone.. gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, EVERYONE should have equal rights to marry who they want to. I have many gay friends and all I want is for them to be happy, yet this is just another obstacle in their way. Now they must continue fighting to be granted a basic civil right that many people take for granted. Shame on you, California We must all continue to fight the h8!"
Oh, awesome, she used "h8" instead of "hate." You can't buy that kind of legitimacy. In the meantime, Star Trek veteran George Takei also spoke out on the court's ruling to ban gay marriage yet keep previous marriages legal. TVGUIDE.COM reports:
"They decided to be indecisive," Takei tells TVGuide.com. "It was a ruling that doesn't resolve anything because there is still inequality. It's like [George Orwell's Animal Farm] -- some pigs are more equal than other pigs. We're more equal than some of the other gays and lesbians."
Of course, one of these people is simply exploiting the situation in a never-ending quest for self-promotion, while the other has a legitimate reason to be involved. I'll let you guys guess who the latter is.
(Hint: Rhymes with "George Takei.")
Monday, May 25, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
"This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.There you have it. The review was so popular that wolf shirt sales have gone through the roof (up 2,300%), with everybody else trying to score a piece of the magic. Hell, the BBC even did a story on it.
"I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
"Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark."
Friday, May 22, 2009
This is a video of Spider-Man hurting himself in front of a bunch of children and being played off by a cat on a keyboard. Trust me, it'll all make sense after you watch it.
Just kidding, it won't ever make sense. But it will always make awesome.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
The Study Ball is allegedly a real $115 product that prevents you from moving from your desk while you're supposed to be studying. Obviously, it's a complete sham unless it weighs at least 200lbs, because I can lift twice that with my littlest piggy.
"The Study Ball gadget is a prison-style ball and chain that you can program to keep track of how much time you spend studying. Once you've selected the desired duration, you chain the ball to your ankle and the manacle won't come off until the schedule study time is up.A red LED indicator displays the "Study Time Left" and keeps you informed as to how much longer you've got to keep studying. The ball and chain are made of highly durable steel and weighs a total of 9.5 kg / 20.95 pounds, which makes it difficult to move while wearing it."21lbs, pfffft. That's not gonna stop anybody from doing anything. Including, but not limited to: robbing a liquor store. ALL THE BOURBON OR YOUR ANKLE GETS IT! What? NO THIS AIN'T NO SKIP-IT!
Friday, May 08, 2009
I also have to say... it was really just Star Wars, wasn't it? Which is to say, I was helpless NOT to love it.
I mean, it opened with one spaceship getting smacked around by a bully of a much-larger spaceship representing an evil empire. The bad guy on the much-larger spaceship is looking for someone associated with a planet-destroying device, and being kinda' a jerk about it.
THEN cut to a farmboy (Kirk) who lost his warrior father and loves fast vehicles. He doesn't get along with the man who raised him, and dreams of a better life in outer space. An older mentor inspires the boy to leave home, and so the boy gathers an ad-hoc family that bonds under pressure in a really fast spaceship as they try to (a) rescue someone from the aforementioned much-larger spaceship and (b) prevent the villain from blowing up planets.
I'm pretty sure I even saw an awards ceremony, a retractable sword, and a bar full of aliens.
For all that (hell, maybe because of that), it was hands-down the best time I've had at the movies since The Dark Knight, I really have to say… and who says a sidelined cadet can't rise to the rank of Captain of the fleet's flagship in 24 hours? Jim Kirk can squeeze Orion slave girls' tears into diamonds, my friend… NEVER underestimate the Kirk.
Anyway, if you give a shit, I loved Star Trek. And you too, Scarecrow! Most of all!
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Monday, May 04, 2009
"What in the hell is Star Wars day?" you ask?
"May 4 is called Star Wars Day because of a pun or play on words based on the similarity between "May the 4th be with you" and "May the force be with you", a phrase often spoken in the Star Wars movies."
Nice. Star Wars Day and then Cinco de Mayo, l feel a bender coming on. Look! Here's a $65 R2-D2 bookbag.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Our hero, cartoonist Chris Ware, with the help of animator John Kuramoto and musician Andrew Bird, made a Quimby the Mouse cartoon short to promote This American Life -- Live!
You'll love it. And probably feel a deep melancholy after it.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Friday, May 01, 2009
Remember folks: teach your kids how to properly protect themselves against attacks from the undead because otherwise you're gonna have to explain to your parents how a zombie ate their grandchild... and they will be pissed.