Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Who's Worse at Tests Than Me?

No one.


You're the United Nations!
Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long way to go. You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of beating each other about the head and torso. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result. But your heart is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.

What kind of person takes a "Country Quiz" ("Which country are you?") and manages to not actually be a country?


I looked, and there before me was a white hamster!

Monday, May 30, 2005


Put your hurt on me, if you dare.

Come Back to the 5 and Dime, Frances Bean

When did this happen?

Frances Bean grew up? And now she does PR with the bitch who killed her dad?

This Ironicator... this Peoplemover through things and events no one could possibly fathom... it's an E-Ticket attraction, kids!

Stay seated 'till the ride comes to a full and complete stop!

You can forget about dating.

These do still just lead to the sewer, right?

Someone call this... and tell me what happens.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Dress the Insanity!

I tell you what: if I was driving down a dark road at night, and I suddenly saw this in my headlights, I wouldn't hesitate to run it over.



Is Mary Kate Olsen insane? Or is she... is she not of this earth?

Saturday, May 28, 2005


Abject camera.

Indiecribs

“It came to me as if in a dream, but I was wide awake, coveting a mesh onion bag full of suet hanging from a bird feeder: There ought to be a show like MTV Cribs for indie musicians/actors. Maybe MTV2 could do it (if they haven’t already) and call it MTV2 Cribs. Think about it. In a way it’s sad that it has come to this. Would that the pimped-out Hummers and drive-in sized plasma screens could lock me to my own TV the way they once could, long ago, in say, March of this year. The thirst is no less strong, but oh, satisfaction, you capricious little tart, where do you go? Where do you go when glimpses inside Usher’s great room no longer titillate?”

Thursday, May 26, 2005


Flying fists of death!

Not a Cobblepot to Kick In!

hench·man Pronunciation: 'hench-m&n
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English henshman, hengestman groom, from hengest stallion (from Old English) + man; akin to Old High German hengist gelding
1 obsolete : a squire or page to a person of high rank
2 a : a trusted follower : a right-hand man b : a political follower whose support is chiefly for personal advantage c : a member of a gang

So, if I read this right, playing this little Flash game gives you the opportunity to beat the snot out of Sancho Panza, Dick Cheney, Kathleen Harris and Kenickie.

Goddam! Learning is fun!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005


Two droids, a bounty hunter and a wookie walk into a cantina....

Happy Life Day!

Star Wars opened on 37 screens on May 25th, 1977.

That weekend it grossed $1.5 million, and overall grossed $780 million. It was nominated for 10 Academy Awards, winning six (in technical categories); and winner of a Special Achievement award. It was the coolest thing I'd ever seen... much to my Schwinn's chagrin.

I was nearly 11-years old, and 'till that May nothing mattered more to me than my bike. It was red. A three-speed. Hi-rise handlebars... oh yeah.

By that June though... things had changed. Once that bike and I were inseperable, but as the summer dwindled the bike spent more and more time parked outside of the Fox Theater, while I sat inside chewing Big Red gum and practicing Jedi mind tricks.

28 years.

Whodathunk?

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


Stay sweet!

This Week on Mercy High's Marquee!

It's like the man said: you've "got a blind date with destiny... and it looks like she's ordered the lobster."

"Congratulations graduates, Class of 2005. We will miss you."

com·mence·ment Pronunciation: k&m-'men(t)s-m&nt
Function: noun
1 : an act, instance, or time of commencing
2 a : the ceremonies or the day for conferring degrees or diplomas b : the period of activities at this time

Commencement. It used to mean something, didn't it? I dunno... all I learned at mine is that I can only tolerate so many people in an afternoon telling me that I'm the future... and that those woven neck ties are really, really tough to tie.

That's not to suggest that there isn't plenty else to be learned at such a time... maybe I'd be singing a different tune if Carrot Top hadn't been our commencement speaker.... Fuckin' prop comics... hate 'em.*

In the meantime, here are some blasts from the ghosts of commencement addresses past... enjoy! And remember: if you can dream it, you can be it! KIT! FF!

Stephen King, University of Maine

Bono, Harvard

Bob Newhart, Catholic University of America

Pat Metheny, Berklee College of Music

Ursula K. Le Guin, Mills College

Conan O'Brien, Harvard

Bill Clinton, MIT

John F. Kennedy, American University

Nora Ephron, Wellesley College

David Mamet, University of Vermont

Salmon Rushdie, Bard College

Elie Wiesel, DePaul University

Jon Stewart, College of William & Mary

Kurt Vonnegut, MIT

*Except for Joel Hodgson, "Comic, Magician and Spy" of course.

Monday, May 23, 2005


Lift us up where we belong....

This is how Star Wars Ends...

With thunderous applause.

Revenge of the Sith was awesome.

We got to the theater early of course. Stood in line for a mere 30 minutes; sat dead-center at the front of the balcony, sandwiched between a dozen or so 10-year old boys and one very patient grandpa. I sat quietly... bravely trying to hold it together... while Nancy got us the Subaru-size Popcorn and two pails of Coke.

The movie was scheduled to begin at 3:30... but instead the theater manager came out and addressed the crowd. He cleared his throat, and said "May I have your attention please?" and immediately recoiled in shock. It was as if a million voices suddenly cried out in terror... or as if a theater full of Star Wars fans had just shot the poor guy a "You better not be telling us the movie is fucked-up, pal!" glare. He regrouped and added "The movie's fine... but I do have to tell you that it's extremely loud. Please don't complain to me afterward; this is the way Lucasfilm insists the film be shown!"

That is a perfect little metaphor for my Revenge of the Sith experience. Terrified it wouldn't satisfy; awarded with more than I'd dared hope. Not a bad way to spend ten bucks, when you get right down to it.

This is just how hard Revenge of the Sith rocked: Nancy loved it. She has virtually no interest in the Star Wars mythos (but fortunately, she has infinite patience with my, er, borderline obsession with all things Skywalker), and she loved it.

The opening is amazing... just how long is that first tracking shot anyway? Those first 40 minutes... unbelievable. You never get a chance to catch your breath, but you do get to see Jedi kickin' ass like you've always wanted to see... and you get to see how close Anakin and Obi Wan have grown since last we saw them. You sit there, and you root for these two old friends... despite the fact that you know that soon they'll be facing off on Mustafar, and that a happy ending is not in the cards for any of our players.

That was one of the things I liked best about Revenge of the Sith: I went in wanting to see Anakin's fall, and to finally see that legendary light saber battle on "the edge of a volcano..." but as the film progressed, I found myself hoping that somehow Anakin would pull it out... that he wouldn't turn, and betray everyone and everything he held dear. I'm sure if he would have just brushed that hair out of his eyes he would have seen that the only prophecy that matters in that galaxy far, far away is his own self-fulfilling one. In his determination to save Padme from pain and death, he actually caused it... and much, much more.

Sadly -and I apologize for ruining it for you like this- his feeble skills were no match for the power of the dark side... and fall he did... holy Kenobi, did he fall!

And I bought it. Anakin's fall? I totally bought it. I'm still struggling with this "love to end all loves" he secretly shared with Padme (unless you're a mawkish 15-year old, very little about their romance was convincing, or even romantic), but having seen Revenge of the Sith, I can tell you his rise and fall were well-chronicled... and movingly so. I tell you what, that look on Anakin's face as the mask is lowered... that's the look of a guy who has suddenly, agonizingly, tragically realized he's sold his soul to the devil... and all he got was this stupid suit. Hayden pulled it off, and drew me in.

Hayden's gotten a lot of crap for his Star Wars performances; he's generally accused of being "stiff" and "wooden." Thing is, there's an argument to be made that Hayden's acting should have been wooden in Attack of the Clones; that he was playing a highly-emotional kid who was unerringly instructed to keep his emotions in check at any cost. I know folks are tough on Hayden's performances in these movies... and I'm not sayin' he's gonna' win any Golden Globes for 'em... but I do think there was some method to the madness.

I'd happily argue the same for the dialogue. Now, I admit that it's sometimes clunky, but it isn't as bad as some would claim... though admittedly never worse than in the love scenes. What it is is consistent throughout the six films. It's a little stylized; it's a little formal. It's a cadence that we may not have grown to love, but we have grown to recognize as particularly Star Wars. It seems to me that those who denigrate the dialogue, or the movies in general, aren't really reviewing the movies George made... but rather the movies they wanted him to make. George never claimed these movies were high art; he never said they were allegory... but at some point the critics grew disappointed he wasn't delivering those particular goods anyway... and downward-turned thumbs followed with them.

These movies are pulp. Glossy, expensive, whiz-bang pulp. It's as true now was it was back in 1977. Trust me, I was there. Sure they're chockablock full of movie reverence and reference (rent The Hidden Fortress, alright?), and there's a moral to be had in each and all... but they're pulp. Witness Anakin's transformation from flaming torso to the towering Darth Vader we all know and loathe, and tell me I'm wrong. That scene is right out of Frankenstein... and it's perfect.

Oh, and the light saber battle? Obi Wan vs Anakin on Mustafar? Worth the 28-year wait. I don't recommend you do this, but if you were to wait 28 years to see their pitched battle, you wouldn't be disappointed.

Yeah, so... the end of Star Wars as I've known it. I know there will be more Star Wars books and games and TV shows and colostomy bags and action figures... I'm not an idiot... but I won't be seeing another new Star Wars film in the theater again... and that's much, much harder to get my head around than I thought it would be.

Sitting there this weekend, waiting forever for the movie to start, I couldn't watch all of those kids running around swinging imaginary light sabers over their heads, and not be taken right back to that spring day at Hayward's Festival Cinemas in 1977. My family waited for over three hours to see Star Wars the first time... I averaged an hour wait over the subsequent 47 times I saw it that year (yes, at one point I actually did the math... I was spending a lot of time in lines... what would you have done?)... and you know, I've rarely been happier.

So it's sad to have to say good bye to that, and to those times... you know? You know what's funny though? Nancy thinks the Star Wars frenzy will be over now that we've closed the book on the saga... she thinks the time has come to set aside childish things... isn't that cute?

Nothing brings me more joy than Nancy, but she's gotta' sleep sometime; she has to work late or buy bras (I'm capable of many things, but not of waiting in the Nordstrom lingerie section on a Sunday afternoon for three hours) every now and again, right? So for those times, it's comforting to know that Luke and the rest will always be there in a galaxy far, far away... and to know that, thanks to George Lucas and his Star Wars, I'll always remember what it was like to be that wide-eyed 11-year old boy...

It was awesome.

Sunday, May 22, 2005


Consider yourself Castled, Archie!

Great Moments in Comic Book History!

This was just inspired. Frank Castle arrives in Riverdale and starts crackin' skulls.

I'm not sure Betty and Veronica learned anything from the experience, and unfortunately Jughead survives the ordeal... but you just can't put a price on getting to see the Punisher get down to some serious punishin' at the prom.

Spotlight dance anyone?

Yeah, that's what I thought... pansies.

For the Dark Lord who has everything.

Friday, May 20, 2005


Big numbers.

Ownership Society....

So, lately I've been thinking about our national debt.

Maybe because it's textbook buyback season, and it's humbling to be surrounded by so much cash and so many who need it so badly. Maybe because I'm tired of people telling me that things like discrimination (whether it be on the floor of the Senate or on the steps of the San Francisco County Courthouse), censorship and whom gets appointed as America's chief diplomat don't affect them.

Or maybe it's just because of this.

Here's the thing: the national debt, you realize, is rising at the staggering rate of eight thousand dollars per second. That is not a typo: eight thousand dollars per second.

Now, as you probably already know, at this moment all of the taxes west of the Mississippi River go exclusively toward paying the interest on the national debt. But... if the debt continues to escalate at this rate -and given the inflation on current interest rates- by the year 2020 all of the taxpayers west of the Amtrak corridor will be paying off the interest on the national debt.

This, of course, means that everyone east of this corridor is then responsible for... how should I put it? Everything else. Things like, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh... defense, social services, foreign aid, the drug war, the space program, and last but not least, paying off the principle on the debt.

So who's footing this bill?

Well, a hunk of Maine. Atlantic City, sure. A bunch of folks on the Florida Coast. Half of Boston (Hi Paul!), and a chunk of New York City.

So, denizens of the East? Adjusting for population and inflation, by the year 2020 every citizen of New York would have to be pulling in an annual gross income of about thirty-two million dollars just to contribute his or her fair share.

All youse Right Coasters? You might wanna' put off buying that West Wing: Season Four DVD set....

Thursday, May 19, 2005


Can you believe it?

Wednesday, May 18, 2005


Now more than ever....

Feel the produce!

Raise Your Hand if You're Sure!


This crap should bug me... but nope!

Ready for the Trials?


Stay in school!

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Pictures Perfect

This is just very, very cool.

Countless Star Wars fans, all over the world, getting ready for Revenge of the Sith, and posting photos of themselves in their geeked-out glory.

It gives me hope... a new hope, if you will.

The best part? The collection is updated often, so if you haven't seen enough 6-year olds dressed as Darth Vader, check back soon!

I don't know... stand casual.

What's Your Excuse?

Waitaminute... what's that byline again?

No Excuse For No Excuse!

Star Wars geeks think of everything!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put fresh batteries in my Darth Vader Voice Changer Helmet....

Save the Republic!

Return of the Jedi

Intelligent Design

It's cool this is in the news and all... but wasn't this just as obvious halfway through Attack of the Clones?

Good... bad... I'm the one with the light saber.

How Do You Work This Thing?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, sweet vindication!

I keep telling people "No, they're way more complicated than mood rings!" but no one ever listens.

At least, they never seem to listen... I dunno... is it possible to listen and run away sobbing at the same time?

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


What's wrong with those Russian judges anyway?

Run Forrest! Run!

I rule at this. Still.

A bit of free advice? Don't ever challenge me to a game of Track & Field II... or tetherball.

All good things...

Capiche?

Wolff in Brief Clothing

If someone put a gun to my head, and demanded that I divulge which two short stories have most inspired my writing, I'd quietly stutter "The Lottery and Bullet in the Brain." Then I'd probably shout "Look! A Squirrel!" and run like hell... never looking back and leaving my purse behind... but I digress.

And speaking of guns to heads (oh yeah, I'm the king of the segue, kids)... in Tobias Wolff's short story Bullet in the Brain, the main character can't seem to keep his mouth shut to -literally- save his life. Wolff creates a character -Anders, a jaded book critic- we love to hate, then puts us in our place by giving him a soul.

As the bullet travels at faster-than-life speed, Wolff spills out the critic's hopes, loves, and memories. He also hands us the key that opens the door to that original transcendent instant when Anders fell in love with words. That door was opened on a sunny, summer playground in Anders' youth. A boy from the outside was chosen to be shortstop. The statement sliding from that kid's mouth -"Short's the best position they is"- turned the key. Those words to young Ander's ears were so wrong, so unexpected... so perfect. They opened the door to Anders' future; and slammed it on a past he didn't know to cherish.

At the end of gun's barrel; at the end of the story and of his life, Anders finally remembers the one moment his love was pure. "They is," it turns out, is the mantra of his life. He is happy.

For as long as that sort of thing lasts, anyway.

Monday, May 16, 2005


What's it all about, Alfred?

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-Batmaaaaaaaan!

"Repetition of this chorus merely reinforces the potential energies, both positive and negative, contained within Batman."

Just when I think "Gee, you can't really over-think anything," someone goes and proves me wrong.

Huh. That gives me something to think about... you think?

Hey, the trains are on time, right?

Sunday, May 15, 2005


It's always about you, isn't it?

End Program.

Watch your futures end….

So, we saw the last installment of Star Trek for the foreseeable future… you’d think I’d be more depressed. I guess I should thank the producers of Enterprise for giving us such a shitty send-off. At this point, I also guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

First of all, didn’t it seem that this episode wasn’t intended to be the series finale? I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was a “save our show” season-ender stunt that the producers went back to and tinkered with in a desperate attempt to add some kind of emotional resonance. To wit: why did Trip have to die?

You could lift out the scenes of Trip’s “heroic” death, and nothing would change in the episode’s plot or message… whatever that was. No one ever really mourned his loss; no one learned anything from his sacrifice. No one explained what the hell that little manic episode he had in the corridor was all about either. Dude just lost it when the ship was boarded… wuss. I admit I haven’t seen many episodes of Enterprise, but I know enough to know this: Trip was a favorite character, and he deserved much better than a cheap, pandering death scene.

And while we're discussing it, wouldn't it have been a better death scene if T'Pol had been there? Her abscence just proved that all the producers ever wanted her character to do was to strip down and grease up in the decontamination chamber.

Oh, and what the hell? They build up to Archer's historic speech for an hour... and then we don't get to hear it?

And this isn't "These are the voyages..."-specfic, but it has to be said: that Enterprise theme song sucks hard. I swear to God: you change that theme song? You've got seven seasons easy.

Okay... I did like the little montage at the end... the Captains proudly-uttering the Star Trek credo while generations of Enterprise flew majestically across the screen. I'll give 'em that. But two points against it:
1. It was clearly tacked-on at the last minute, and meant to evoke the ending of Star Trek VI.
2. The Enterprise-D model was "built" by the dreaded Gabe of Trekkies. Hate that kid.

And, yeah, I liked the little bit of foreshadowing when Riker commented that the Enterprise-D's brig was bigger than Archer's cabin. Good news Bill, since you're gonna' be spending a lot of time there soon....

I also have to say I didn’t have a problem with the whole Next Generation tie-in… of course, the producers were counting on that. They knew that even if the fans complained that Enterprise was being disrespected, they’d be thrilled to see those pastel corridors of the Enterprise-D again… and I was. I did, however, have a problem with the conceit: what in the Great Bird of the Galaxy’s name was Riker doing on the holodeck in the first place?

Now before you get your Underoos in a bunch, lemme tell you, I know the Riker/Troi scenes took place during the events of “The Pegasus” (Season 7; episode 12 of ST:TNG), alright? But am I the only one who actually remembers that episode? Evidently… or at least I’m the only one who might have bothered to watch it before writing a tie-in for national television.

Here’s a recap:

Picard and Riker are joined by Admiral Pressman, who was Riker's first commanding officer, for a secret assignment. Riker is shocked to hear that debris from their ship, the U.S.S. Pegasus, which was lost with most of its crew 12 years ago, has been located in an asteroid, in the Devolin system by the Romulans. Pressman explains that the Federation must find it first to prevent sensitive technologies (what the less-educated might call a "cloaking device") from falling into the wrong hands.

The search begins, and the U.S.S. Enterprise is soon confronted by a Romulan warbird that is obviously on a similar mission. Later, Riker and Pressman discuss what happened to the Pegasus, and Riker is clearly disturbed when Pressman reveals that he wants to find the ship in order to try the secret experiment that caused the disaster 12 years earlier. He tells Riker that the Chief of Starfleet Security is behind the mission, and orders Riker to keep the mission's true nature secret from Picard.

Later, Riker meets with Picard, who has learned, with some difficulty, that there was a mutiny aboard the Pegasus just prior to its disappearance. He suspects a Starfleet cover-up, and asks Riker for his version of the story. Riker tells him that the crew mutinied because they felt Pressman was jeopardizing the ship, and that he supported his captain out of duty. But when Picard presses Riker for more information, he refuses to comply. Soon afterward, the Enterprise arrives back at the asteroid, and Pressman orders Picard to take the ship inside the fissure. Picard objects to the risky procedure, but the admiral outranks him, so Picard is forced to carry out the orders.

Blahblahblah… they get inside; they get out… they reveal the cloaked ship to the Romulans. Afterwards, Picard places Pressman under arrest for violating Federation law, and when Riker reminds him that he, too, is guilty, Picard grimly arrests his first officer as well.

Now, if you didn’t remember "The Pegasus," it’d have been impossible for you to understand what Riker was up to. Sure, he explained briefly to Troi (which completely contradicted the premise of “The Pegasus:” that he carried this secret alone for years ‘till he reluctantly told Picard), but out of context, Riker just sounded whiney. We’ve seen him deal with much worse crises without looking to imaginary friends for advice. And where did he find the time to do that, anyway? As I recall, he was pretty busy lying to Picard and arguing with the Admiral… how’d he find the time to pussyfoot around in the holodeck with Troi?

My theory? The caretakers of Star Trek are really pissed at Ronald D. Moore. He did a great job on Star Trek… right up to the day he left to helm Battlestar Galactica. He actually wrote “The Pegasus,” and I think this was a chance not only for Brannon & Berman to cash-in on the glory days of Star Trek: The Next Generation, but to spit on Ronald’s work. B & B effectively neutered Riker here… which I guess is a metaphor for what they've done to the franchise as a whole.

It’s a weird time to be an aging sci-fi geek. To paraphrase a certain dark Lord: “This will be a day long remembered. It has seen the end of Star Trek; it will soon see the end of Star Wars.”

My two most beloved franchises are ending -unbelievably- at the very same time. I always kinda’ thought that Star Trek would just be there in some form or another… nothing seemed capable of killing it, no matter how bad it got. So while I knew the Star Wars saga was reaching an end, I was certain that there’d still be some sort of ethnically-balanced crew flying around in some sort of low-budget CGI spaceship spreading allegory and finding God (and discovering that he’s a child, or a machine, or both) and never, ever interfering with anyone’s society unless it suited them. But, alas, that was not to be… sometimes… too often… our dreams just don’t come true, do they? Sometimes there’s nothing we can do… and again we have to wonder: who mourns for Adonais?

So, like I said, I guess I have to thank the Enterprise producers for pissing all over the show, and the franchise. Under normal circumstances, I don’t think I could handle losing both Star Trek and Star Wars in the very same month….

Instead? Instead, well it is the end of the world as I know it… and so far? I feel fine.

Ask me again next weekend though….

Saturday, May 14, 2005


Vegimite find him!

If You Can Read This, Waldo's Toast!

This is about the stupidest thing in the history of things.

And there's been a lot of things over the years.

Edsels... the Perfect Pancake Maker... Too Close for Comfort... prohibition... spray-on hair.

So, what I'm sayin' is: this is really, really stupid.

I'm gonna' look at it again now.

Run Joe, Run!

A Mother's Tale

This is just so... disturbing.

Not because childbirth is messy... I saw that film in high school... the one with the Swedish couple and a lot of steamy stainless steel? The one with the Niagra falls of afterbirth? Yeah, I saw that... I get it: it's messy.*

But someone... you know... made this. On purpose.

Is it educational, or cautionary? I'll let the ages decide.

*Speaking of films we saw in school... can someone tell me what happened in that "Yellow Dress" movie the girls got to see in the 6th-grade? All I know is that when the girls got to see it, the boys were forced to leave the room, and watch Hercules in New York in the cafeteria. I've had this nagging feeling ever since that I so saw the wrong film....

Someday....

Friday, May 13, 2005

Why Don't You Do Right?

From Nancy's blog to your ears...

This week at Modern Times Bookstore:

Some Angels Wear Black: Selected Poems
An Eli Coppola Tribute Reading
Tuesday, May 17 7:30 PM

Readers include Michelle Tea, David West, Jandy Nelson, Mark Routhier, Silke Vom Bauer, Stephen Pelton, Skye Alexander, and me (Nancy Depper).

Eli was one of the finest poets I've ever known and I can only implore you to come to the reading and to buy the book. In the strongest possible terms. You may well kick yourself for missing it, but I will almost certainly kick you for not showing up.

*Please note threat of violence is strictly metaphorical.

Promises, promises.... Posted by Hello

Through Lars-colored glasses....

This One Goes to Eleven

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... drummy.

Thursday, May 12, 2005


Yeah... deep too. Posted by Hello

Urinal Cake and I Scream

Nancy has a boundless, endlessly-charming capacity to ask me "questions of maleness" (usually during the last five minutes of 24) that I stopped thinking about long ago.

At least, I think I stopped thinking about them... huh. Did I ever consider these questions of gender or budding sexuality or teenage trauma? I dunno... I never had much use for angst, actually. Too many games of Sinistar to play for that nonsense, know what I'm sayin'?

For instance, she recently asked me when was the last time I'd been beard-free. I'm pretty sure it was 1994... but I'm not at all certain. In addition, there's no sad story of scarring or thrilling yarn of witness relocation to go along with this 11-year long grooming habit... but I don't think that surprised her too much. I know she would have enjoyed such a tale... but she knows by now that I don't spend a lot of time plumbing the depths of my psyche. Mostly I toddle blankly from place to place humming Tijuana Taxi to myself and thinking about Star Wars... who has time for self-examination?

I may be thoughtless when it comes to myself, but I'm certainly thoughtful when it comes to Nancy, so in the interest of bridging the gender gap (which I'm told exists, but, well, I've never really thought about it), and to relieve Nancy of one of the "questions of maleness" that doggedly nags her, I offer this: everything you need to know about life behind that door.

Now answer this for me: why does Leia have memories of her mother, while Luke doesn't... when they were born moments apart, and their mother dies seconds later in the delivery room?

It's no wonder I can't remember my first crush....

He's standing behind me, isn't he? Posted by Hello

Wednesday, May 11, 2005


Yes, it's the "Runaway Bride" action figure.

No retreat! No surrender! Posted by Hello

DC Scab

John Bolton is forty-two kinds of bad news. You don't need me to tell you this.

His nomination for US representative to the UN is deplorable on so many levels -literal and metaphorical- that I won't even begin to go into it here. Read this if you like... and think back on the good ol' days when the US Senate took their Constitutional duty of "advise and consent" seriously while you're at it.

You can call him "resolute" or you can call him "unbending," but here's my call: Johnny? When your wife flees your home in the middle of the night... with your furniture... because she's had enough of being forced to participate in group sex with strangers in swingers' clubs she didn't want to go to in the first place? That's a sign that you just might need to work on your people skills.

I am not making this up. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


Dream so real. Posted by Hello