Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Dream a Little Meme

From Wikipedia:

The term meme ([miːm] in the IPA; rhymes with "dream"; from the Greek word mimema for 'something imitated') first came into popular use with the publication of the book The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins in 1976. Though Dawkins defined the meme as "a unit of cultural transmission, or a unit of imitation," memeticists vary in their definitions of meme. The lack of a consistent, rigorous and precise definition of a meme remains one of the principal criticisms leveled at memetics, the study of memes.

The notion of a unit of social evolution, and a similar term (from Greek mneme, 'memory'), first appeared in 1904 in a work by the German evolutionary biologist Richard Semon: Die Mnemische Empfindungen in ihren Beziehungen zu den Originalenempfindungen, translated into English in 1921 as The Mneme.

Different definitions of meme generally agree, very roughly, that a meme consists of some sort of a self-propagating unit of cultural evolution having a resemblance to the gene (the unit of genetics). Dawkins introduced the term after writing that evolution depended not on the particular chemical basis of genetics, but only on the existence of a self-replicating unit of transmission — in the case of biological evolution, the gene. For Dawkins, the meme exemplifies another self-replicating unit, and most importantly, one which he thought would prove useful in explaining human behavior and cultural evolution.

In casual use, the term meme often refers to any piece of information passed from one mind to another. In this sense, it is closely related to folklore (as it is studied in the academy), in that folkloristics deals with the informal communication of cultural information. This usage more closely resembles the analogy of "language as a virus" than Dawkins' analogy of memes as replicating units. This definition has come into popular use on the Internet to refer to phenomena such as Obey Giant, "All your base are belong to us", Blogebrity and Icy Hot Stuntaz.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Monday, November 28, 2005

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Saturday, November 26, 2005


These last few weeks have been killing me!

Week 11? Two contests, two losses. Dammit.

In the office Yahoo league, the playoffs go like this: we play 13 games, and the last three games of the regular season are our fantasy playoffs. The top 6 teams compete for the championship. As of today, I'm in 7th. Take a gander:

*1. Kirk's nightmare 10-1-0
*2. San Diego Zoo 9-2-0
3. Arsenal 6-5-0
4. Turd Burglars 6-5-0
5. Budwipers 6-5-0
6. Last & Least Too 6-5-0
7. Gotham Knights 6-5-0
8. Super Chargers 5-6-0
9. AggieDucks 5-6-0
10. Wade Reeves QB 5-6-0
11. Las Vegas Heat 5-6-0
12. kimpossible 5-6-0
13. The Nation 3-8-0
14. Cyanide 0-11-0

That asterisk beside the 1st and 2nd teams? That means they've clinched playoff berths. Creeps. The worse news? I have to play the #2 team next week in our final regular season game. Yeah, it's safe to say my fingers are crossed. No more prayers, thanks... we saw how that worked out going into this week. Did I mention? TWO LOSSES THIS WEEK! Yeah, thanks God.

With the right win/loss scenarios (and naturally, a win for me would be helpful) I could leap as high as fourth in the rankings this week... you know what? Why don't you go ahead and cross your fingers too?

Meanwhile, down in the Hundred Acre Wood... that's right! A loss! Take a look! I double-dog dare you!

East Division
Metropolis Meteors 5-6-0
AntiBushTexans 5-6-0
jump 4-7-0
Crawford Vaqueros 3-7-1

Central Division
blueflames 9-2-0
Eau Claire Charlatans 8-3-0
marauders 6-5-0
San Jose Synecdoche 6-5-0

West Division
Jimbo 5-6-0
scurvy dawgs 2-9-0

I was amazed to wake up to first place in my divsion on Tuesday morning, tell you what. I'm still the point-leader in the division... hopefully that'll hold up, 'cause I'm on a losing streak in the ol' NFL.COM league, and that 12-point lead I have on the teams I'm tied with is all that's keeping me in playoff contention kids.

The playoff scenario here is a little different. Here we play 14 games during the regular season. Then 4 teams make the playoffs: the leader in each division, and one wild card team (the team with the highest score who didn't win its division). Joe tends to win the wild card slot... it's like a tradition, really. If I don't win my division, I'm screwed, 'cause while I may be point-leader in my division, I'm waaaaaay behind many other teams in the league, including Nancy & Joe. They, by the way, could duke it out for the wild card slot... unless Joe kicks the shit out of their divison leader this week... which is likely.

Speaking of Nancy, her fantasy luck has been not-so-good the last few weeks... we've both been losing kinda' a lot. I should point out that while she's dropped to last in her division, her winn/loss record is actually better than mine. Her luck in the latter part of the season is just like my luck in the last two seasons: she's trapped in the toughest division in the league. She's still in the playoff race, though... she's the '02, '03, '04 and '05 Seahawks of our fantasy football league: Where there's life, there's hope. Of course the Seahawks don't have Nancy's indomintable spirit, so yeah... there's a really good chance she'll make the playoffs... and with luck, our teams will go head-to-head in the post season.

Oh yeah... that should be fun.

Friday, November 25, 2005

My TVC15

The Xbox 360 is out... whatever. It's sold out everywhere... whatever. It's selling for upwards of $700 on ebay... I say again: whatever.

I have an Atari 2600 in my closet. I rule the Combat landscape; I dominate the skies over Metropolis. I have two pairs of joysticks, and the racing paddles. I own the Pole Position.

Xbox 360... this is my United States of Whatever.

Just... here.

You've taken your first step into a much larger world.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Ummmm... where's the giblets?

We Are a Nation of Finks

Blame America first? Fuck yeah!

William Burroughs’ mid-80s rant is the same as any other bit of dissatisfaction with America: it is the spark which gets kings in line, makes slavery end, gets women the vote and keeps men in uniform from getting away with their enviable petty abuses of power. America is still a failure in the way it treats a lot of its own, and while it remains a failure you have to whine about it to get anything done, and this is one of the more amusing whines of our time. Without this sort of attitude we’d all be, like, Canadian or something. You don’t really want to put gravy on french fires and give a shit about hockey, do you?

Of course you don’t.

This video takes a while to load... go baste, and come back. It's worth the wait... plus, you know, you really need to baste.

Holy priceless collection of Etruskan snoods!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Second star to the left....

Monday, November 21, 2005

The Mouse That Roared

I didn't know why I was taking this test back in the winter of '75... but it was clear that if I failed my dad would cry, and my mom would have to quit voluntering at the library.

Mind over MENSA.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Hail Mary! Hey Jude!

Pray 'em if you've got 'em!

Week 10 went better than expected... but Week 11? That's not goin' so well, sports fans.

So, Week 10... I can't tell you much, but I can tell you this: Joe doesn't want me to have another Force FX light saber. I don't know why... I'd never stand in the way of him getting another Force FX light saber... but damned if he didn't stand between me and that Mace Windu Force FX light saber last week. And speaking of Force FX light sabers... how many more time do you suppose I can type "Force FX light saber" anyway?

Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers Force FX light sabers... to the infinity. Plus one.

Yeah, so Joe righteously kicked my ass last week. That was bad enough, but it put me in a bind for this week... which I seem to have already lost. The NFL.COM fantasy playoffs are still a possibility, but suddenly I'm one of those teams Jim and Terry discuss while they wave an abacus around, and consult Howie's Oiuja Board.

The standings:

East Division
Metropolis Meteors 5-5-0
AntiBushTexans 4-6-0
jump 4-6-0
Crawford Vaqueros 2-7-1

Central Division
blueflames 8-2-0
Eau Claire Charlatans 7-3-0
San Jose Synecdoche 6-4-0
marauders 5-5-0

West Division
Jimbo 5-5-0
scurvy dawgs 2-8-0

I fared better in the office Yahoo league... but man was it an ugly win. I played the 0-9 team of the league. A team that's gone utterly ignored since draft day. A team with five players in the starting line-up who are either hurt, limbless or dead. And I barely won. It was embarassing, really. The only saving grace: losing would have been worse.

To give you an idea about how bad things are this week: that team? That untouched, missing-five-players team? Its score is higher than my score this week. Oh, and so far? I'm losing... but at least I didn't lose last week... right?

*1. Kirk's nightmare 9-1-0
2. San Diego Zoo 8-2-0
3. Budwipers 6-4-0
4. Last & Least Too 6-4-0
5. Gotham Knights 6-4-0
6. Arsenal 5-5-0
7. Super Chargers 5-5-0
8. Turd Burglars 5-5-0
9. Wade Reeves QB 5-5-0
10. Las Vegas Heat 5-5-0
11. AggieDucks 4-6-0
12. kimpossible 4-6-0
13. The Nation 2-8-0
14. Cyanide 0-10-0

I managed to make 5th place mine... but the way things are looking tonight, I could drop out of playoff contention here too... sucks.

The other good news, though? I have four players left to go in the Yahoo league... so you know what? I'm gonna' take this sad song, and make it better, dammit.

Or, you know... lose.

But here's the thing: any time I feel the pain, I'm gonna' refrain. I won't carry the world upon my shoulders... 'cause its a fool who plays it cool... right?

Yup... I'm gonna' cross my fingers, and fade out into the playoffs... nananaaaaaaa, hey Jude. Naaaaaa, naaaa, naaa, nananaaaaaaa... nananaaaaaaa, hey Jude. I said a-nananaaaaaaa, hey Jude. Naaaaaa, naaaa, naaa, nananaaaaaaa... nananaaaaaaa, hey Jude... JudeJudeaJudeyJudeyJudeyJudeyawow-wow... Naaaaaa, naaaa, naaa, nananaaaaaaa... nananaaaaaaa, hey Jude....

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Look Ma! No Wires!

God I was pissed when I saw Terminator 2.

I –like most of my geek pals- had been looking forward to that film for years. We did little else between 1984 and 1991 but sit around in our garages and wait impatiently for the sequel we knew had to come… so when it finally arrived in downtown Woodland, CA, well… there was just no way it could live up to the expectations we had built up over the years.

The worst thing, though, is really, it’s not a bad movie. Actually, truth be told, the longer version James Cameron didn’t get to show us in 1991 is a damn good movie… but it woulda’ had to have been Citizen Kane performed by talking, Technicolor weasels with laser side arms to have impressed me that summer day in Woodland.

The good news? The good news is I learned a valuable lesson about great expectations. They can be the best, and the worst… and I’ll take guarded optimism instead every day, and twice on Sunday.

So, here I sit… guardedly optimistic about Superman Returns.

The trailer premiered tonight… and I burst into tears before we even caught a glimpse of Superman himself.

The trailer is nothing but a series of images, essentially walking us through the Superman mythos from beginning to… well, certainly not “end,” but to “present.” Provocative, telling images... stirring John Williams Superman music, and… oh yeah, Marlon Brando’s resonant voiceover.


Bryan Singer has resurrected Marlon, who reprises his role of Jor El for Superman Returns. It’s complicated, and involves at least three different kinds of arcane spells, but damned if Marlon isn’t walkin’ and talkin’ in Superman Returns… as he should be.

Bryan clearly knows his Superman history, but what’s just as clear -and more important- is that he respects Superman’s history. He really sees himself as a caretaker of the greatest hero in comic book history… and one of the most recognized icons in the world. I am thril-- er, gaurdedly optimistic about his stewardship of the big Boy Scout.

Witness the closing frames of the trailer: Superman floating in space, staring down at the Earth… watching… listening… an outsider, waiting only to spring into action on a stranger’s behalf.

See, and that’s part of why Superman means so much to me: his selflessness. And here’s a the thing… as much as I gripe about people sucking, and society falling apart, there’s always a little piece of me that’s certain that we can be that good, and that selfless if we try….

Well, maybe not “certain,” but certainly guardedly optimistic.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Daisy Duped

I'm as big a fan of building your own reality then taking off your socks, making fists with your toes and stomping around the newly-carpeted floor of said world you've made as the next guy... but the Simpson sisters have really taken it to a whole new level.

Jessica Simpson was overhead bitching to her mom about her sister Ashlee at the Accessories Council ACE awards red carpet recently... you know, I don't know what's more ridiculous: Jessica Simpson calling Ashlee "stupid," or the existence of the "Accessories Council Awards."

Anyway, Jessica was heard to say:

"Mom, Ashlee is so stupid. She left the popcorn in the microwave and almost
burned the house down."

Jessica and Ashlee are a living, breathing rejection of Darwinism. The State of Kansas Board of Education should pay them for simply breathing. Face it, their genes should have been dropped sometime during the stone age. Stick these two in a room unsupervised with a toaster, a loaf of bread, and some butter, and before the day is out Jessica will have somehow hung herself on the electrical cord and Ashlee will be trying frantically to butter her back to life.

Tell me of your homeworld, Usul....

Monday, November 14, 2005

Absolute Beginnings

"All children, except one, grow up." ~ Peter Pan, J. M. Barrie

"In an old house in Paris that was covered with vines lived twelve little girls in two straight lines." ~ Madeline, Ludwig Bemelmans

"In the great green room, there was a telephone and a red balloon."
~ Goodnight Moon, Margaret Wise Brown

"Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, "and what is the use of a book," thought Alice "without pictures or conversation?" ~ Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

"When Mrs. Frederick C. Little's second son arrived, everybody noticed that he was not much bigger than a mouse." ~ Stuart Little, E.B. White

"This is George. He lived in Africa." ~ Curious George, H.A. Rey

"Chug, chug, chug. Puff, puff, puff. Ding-dong, ding-dong ."
~ The Little Engine that Could, Watty Piper

"Most motorcars are conglomerations (this is a long word for bundles) of steel and wire and rubber and plastic, and electricity and oil and gasoline and water, and the toffee papers you pushed down the crack in the back seat last Sunday." ~ Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang, Ian Fleming

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way--in short, the period was so." ~ Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens

"1801-- I have just returned from a visit to my landlord -- the solitary neighbor that I shall be troubled with." ~ Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë

"This is the saddest story I have ever heard."
~ The Good Soldier, Ford Madox Ford

"People do not give it credence that a fourteen-year-old girl could leave home and go off in the wintertime to avenge her father's blood but it did not seem so strange then, although I will say it did not happen every day." ~ True Grit, Charles Portis

"The great fish moved silently through the night water, propelled by short sweeps of its crescent tail." ~ Jaws, Peter Benchley

"At seven o'clock, the morning of the 26th of December, the S.S. Poseidon, 81,000 tons, homeward bound for Lisbon after a month-long Christmas cruise to African and South American ports, suddenly found herself in the midst of an unaccountable swell, 400 miles south-west of the Azores, and began to roll like a pig." ~ The Poseidon Adventure, Paul Gallico

"Garp's mother, Jenny Fields, was arrested in Boston in 1942 for wounding a man in a movie theater." ~ The World According to Garp, John Irving

"A merry little surge of electricity piped by automatic alarm from the mood organ beside his bed awakened Rick Deckard."
~ Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, Phillip K. Dick

"No one would have believed in the last years of the nineteenth century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man's and yet as mortal as his own; that as men busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinised and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinise the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water." ~ The War of the Worlds, H.G. Wells

"Once upon a time there was a Martian named Valentine Michael Smith."
~ Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein

"The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel." ~ Neuromancer, William Gibson

"Everytime he drove through Yorkville, Rosenbaum got angry, just on general principles." ~ Marathon Man, William Goldman

Saturday, November 12, 2005

That Dobler Vision Gets the Best of Me

"One game, I knocked the crap out of Merlin Olsen. If you wanted to see it on instant replay, you had to go to the kitchen because I knocked him so far out of the TV frame. After the game, he says, "One of these days, someone's going to break Dobler's neck, and I'm not going to send any flowers." What happens? He gets the $500,000 FTD commercial, and I don't get shit. He goes to the Pro Bowl fourteen times. He's in the Hall of Fame. He's probably got more money than God. When he was doing Father Murphy on NBC, he had a graveyard scene. One of the tombs said: CONRAD DOBLER. GONE, BUT NOT FORGIVEN. It's been twenty years since I played him, and I'm still on his fucking mind. And I like that." ~Conrad Dobler

Conrad Dobler was one of football's really great accidents. He may or may not have been what his press-clippings called him, but he was certainly shrewd in his ability to ride his reputation into a few decent payday bonanzas in the commercial industry. His mythic reputation? The dirtiest player in the game.

Dobler was a biting, kicking, punching, gouging, cheating, cheap-shot artist of an offensive guard mainly for the 70's St. Louis Cardinals who, aside from the nasty reputation, was otherwise unexceptional. And therein is the beauty of the Conrad Dobler accident - he really was nothing more than a solid offensive guard who, because of that nasty reputation, became a household name.

Every Monday night Howard would laugh through some tale of Dobler setting fire to a school bus full of children. Every NFL pre-game show would have some sort of funny bit on how Dobler picked a fight with an invalid. Every magazine and newspaper would run some goofy story on Dobler's satanic rituals. And all this coverage for a slightly-better-than-average offensive guard whom no one would have otherwise known! Genius!

Then along came the advertising companies! "Conrad, shill these lawn darts by impaling a kitten with them!" Or "Conrad, bust the Kool-Aid man into a bazillion pieces!" Or "Conrad, call Fonzie a wuss!" Ahhhhhhh, the 70's!

Funny, when you really tore apart the myth, Dobler was no more of a dirty player than your average Congressman. He wasn't even that scary looking. Shoot, he probably even liked little puppies, rainbows and walks on the beach. Dobler was just too smart to attempt to change public perception about him - let's just say that Terry Bradshaw would've been accepted into MENSA well before Dobler would ever consider giving some tear-filled interview to Phyllis George about how he's really a groovy kind of guy who teaches The Hustle to the underprivileged and loves The Carpenters. This kinda' media savvy isn't such a big deal now, but at the time, Dobler was well ahead of the game.

I bring this up because it occurs to me that I've been (inadvertantly) doing my own spinning the last, oh, nine weeks. To read these weekly fantasy football updates, you might think that:
A) I understand football, and/or
B) I give a shit about football

I'm sorry to tell you that you'd be wrong on both counts... and I apologize for leading you astray.

So, as to the first point: "I understand football." Not so much. I have a firm grasp of the concept (get to the other end of the field more often than the other guys), but beyond that... it's a mystery to me. I know women in halter tops and golf carts with oversized, fiberglass helmets are involved... but the intricate machinations of the gridiron are wasted on me... sorry.

As to the second point: "I give a shit about football..." again, not so much. I admit to an irrational, almost masochistic love for the Seattle Seahawks (GO HAWKS!), but otherwise... yeah, I don't really care. I couldn't even tell you who's playoff-bound, or ignominy-destined so far this season... but I'm pretty sure the Houston Oilers are out of the playoff picture this year.

"So gee, Chris... why do you play fantasy football every year?" you ask. Well my pretty ponies, that would be Joe's fault. Joe tricked me into playing fantasy football a few years ago, and there's been no looking back. I would look back, but man... there's just no time for that, what with 16 weeks of lineups and stats to ponder.... I may not care about real football, but come Fall, almost all I care about is make-believe football. In my defense, I did not throw him into that briar patch... there's only so much wool you can pull over my eyes, dammit.

So it's come to this: Joe got me hooked on fantasy football, and now he faces me in the NFL.COM league this week... mano a mano. Big game... I never say "no" to a win (though I've been known to say "Use a coaster!" to a win) of course... but beating Joe would be a huge boon for Nancy... which, you know, wouldn't suck for me. I don't want to be indiscreet, but I'm just sayin'... it could mean another Force FX light saber in the house... a real "win-win" situation... 'cept, you know, it'd mean Joe losing... but I'm sure knowing that his loss means a second light-up light saber for me makes losing worthwhile... right Joe? Right?

That's right.

Speaking of losing, I lost in the NFL.COM league in Week 9. That sucked. Lookee:

East Division
Metropolis Meteors 5-4-0
jump 4-5-0
AntiBushTexans 3-6-0
Crawford Vaqueros 2-6-1

Central Division
blueflames 7-2-0
Eau Claire Charlatans 6-3-0
San Jose Synecdoche 5-4-0
marauders 4-5-0

West Division
Jimbo 5-4-0
scurvy dawgs 2-7-0

The good news is I'm still #1 in my division. I think it has something to do with everyone else in my division losing... it's another one of those great accidents.

Oh, as long as we're talking about losing, lookee again:

1. Kirk's nightmare 8-1-0
2. San Diego Zoo 7-2-0
3. Last & Least Too 6-3-0
4. Budwipers 6-3-0
5. Turd Burglars 5-4-0
6. Gotham Knights 5-4-0
7. Las Vegas Heat 5-4-0
8. Super Chargers 4-5-0
9. Arsenal 4-5-0
10. Wade Reeves QB 4-5-0
11. kimpossible 4-5-0
12. AggieDucks 3-6-0
13. The Nation 2-7-0
14. Cyanide 0-9-0

That's right, I lost in the office Yahoo league as well. A stunning defeat... if not unexpected (if you believe in Karma, like me, Earl and Carson Daly). I lost by the same margin I won the week before... figures. The only good news is this was my first "dual loss" week of the season... which for most wouldn't be good news, of course... but my fantasy football bar is pretty low, so it's still worth crowing about... "You go, Chris! Way not to lose more!"

I am the master of spin.

"I know what's wrong and right in this world. I just wonder why I smoke cigarettes." ~Conrad Dobler

Friday, November 11, 2005

The Truth is Right Here

Scully: [holding an Apollo 11 keychain] I actually was thinking about, uh, this gift that you gave me for my birthday. You never got to tell me why you gave it to me or what it means, but I think I know. I think that you appreciate that there are extraordinary men and women and extraordinary moments when history leaps forward on the backs of these individuals, that what can be imagined can be achieved, that you must dare to dream, but that there's no substitute for perseverance and hard work and teamwork because no one gets there alone; and that, while we commemorate the... the greatness of these events and the individuals who achieve them, we cannot forget the sacrifice of those who make these achievements and leaps possible.
Mulder: I just thought it was a pretty cool keychain.
~The X Files

You Were Born. So You're Free.

"Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne." ~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. Breakfast of Champions

Thursday, November 10, 2005

The Last Voice

During the second World War, Russians began testing the effectiveness of paratrooper units.

Sometimes -more often than most Russians care to admit- the 'chutes didn't open. During the invasion of Finland, hundereds of troops were dropped in the dead of winter, and as usual, some of the 'chutes failed to open. These soldiers plummeted to Earth; drilled straight down into the fresh snow... as deep as fifteen feet.

The Finnish farmers fanned out that night with their shotguns. They walked out into their fields, found the holes and fired down them, into the darkness.

During the 1979 drought in the Midwest, American farmers began renting their property out to the US government as sites for missle silos. They were told that some of the silos contained Minuteman missles, while some contained nothing. Additionally, some of the silos were designed to look exactly like regular corn and grain silos. The military called these "Decoy Silos," but the farmers called them "Scarecrows."

The government hinted that some of these silos might be connected by hundreds of miles of railroad tracks... far below... in the darkness.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Crazy! It's the New Black!

It's too soon to say that Tom Cruise has reached "clear," and that his thinking has achieved the same, but he has finally, sensibly fired his publicist. Turns out hiring his sister to handle his publicity may not have been such a great idea... well, unless he likes knowing that the most powerful man in Hollywood will never take his calls again, and that everyone -and I do mean everyone- thought he acted like an ass on Oprah.

In what simply can't be unrelated news, The Sun is speculating that Tom Cruise has converted Victoria and David Beckham to Scientology after Victoria was spotted reading a Scientology "guide to self-healing." Katie Holmes apparently recommended the book to her after learning that Victoria's son had taken ill.

The problem here is that everyone knows Victoria Beckham can't read. And last year, the Beckhams pulled a similar stunt when they wore Kabbalah's red string bracelets in an ill-conceived attempt to be trendy. So it's not quite clear whether Victoria was reading the book in public out of urgency or because she thinks it'll make people hate her just a little less.

Because... Scientology is trendy now? She might as well walk around in an orange jumpsuit and a fake hobo beard and call it Unabomber Chic. Or maybe wear belts made of dead men's nipples for that hip-and-happening Ed Gein look I've been hearing so much about. I'm not saying that all Scientologists are dangerous psychopaths, I'm just saying I haven't seen much of Raymond Burr's nipples lately.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Greetings From Fake World!

Ethan Persoff, he of the fabulous 1966 anti-drug propaganda comic book Hooked!, brings for the holiday season Grenada. These are scans of a comic book produced by the CIA to be air-dropped during the US Invasion of Grenada... hearts and minds, my friends.

This comic, by the way, was never meant to be read by anyone in the United States, or anyone outside the Caribbean for that matter....

...and start getting real.

Monday, November 07, 2005


You used to be able to get these "pillow speakers" at stores like Radio Shack and Sharper Image, right? Smallish, plastic boxes with curved corners and a sturdy grill on one side. You'd run the speaker from a cassette recorder (also available at Radio Shack: you've got questions, we've got answers), and slip it under your pillow, you know, so you could learn German in your sleep.

I tried this once, but when I awoke the next morning I found that I didn't know any more German than I'd known the night before. I did, however, feel anxious, depressed and paranoid.

Pen pals.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Very Well for Rough Girls

Ahhhhhhhh... I love the smell of Week 8 in the morning. It smells like... like a freshly-showered greyhound, right after his horrific loss in the last race on the day's schedule. That's right, my friends: Week 8 smells fresh and clean as a whistle... and yet... yet there's the faint stench of defeat that no amount of dog shampoo can seem to wash away....

What'd Dubya's dad say? "You win one; you lose one."

Remember how I said things were looking bleak in both fantasy leagues last week? How the writing seemed to be on the wall, and it spelled out in large, callous letters "You lose, loser! Like a little losing loser! Loser!" Yeah, well, I wound up half-right. Or wrong... depending on if your cup's half-full or half-empty.

The good news -hell, some of the best news in fantasy land since Sleeping Beauty's castle was refurbished, and they stopped taking tickets for Mr Toad's Wild Ride- is that I won in the office Yahoo league. It really did look bad, but somehow I clawed out the win in the closing moments of Monday night's game... won by 1/2 a measley point! This was as "must win" as a dopey fantasy football game can be, I'll tell you what!

The other good news? I leapt up a spot in the rankings. Speaking of "the rankings:"

1. Kirk's nightmare 7-1-0
2. San Diego Zoo 6-2-0
3. Budwipers 6-2-0
4. Turd Burglars 5-3-0
5. Last & Least Too 5-3-0
6. Gotham Knights 5-3-0
7. Las Vegas Heat 5-3-0
8. Arsenal 4-4-0
9. Super Chargers 3-5-0
10. AggieDucks 3-5-0
11. Wade Reeves QB 3-5-0
12. kimpossible 3-5-0
13. The Nation 1-7-0
14. Cyanide 0-8-0

Yup. As of today, your Gotham Knights would be in the playoffs... if the playoffs were held today... which they won't be... so I make no promises... you know, for the eventual playoffs... which will be later... and, um, not, you know, today.


In the NFL.COM league? Not such good news. I lost, as predicted. That wasn't so bad, really, as I held on to the top spot in my division's rankings anyway... which is nice.

Tony and Joe waged quite a battle... but Tony came up short, while Joe galloped off into the sunset with the victory, and I? I just sat around mixing metaphors... you know, 'till the cows came home.

And Nancy? Nancy, sadly, lost. She takes the losses much harder than I do, but she also plans better than I do, so I'm sure she'll bounce back (knock wood). With her loss, and Joe's win, Joe skipped past her in their division, but I promise you, she's not out of it... not by a long shot. So stop yer cryin'.

East Division
Metropolis Meteors 5-3-0
jump 4-4-0
AntiBushTexans 3-5-0
Crawford Vaqueros 2-5-1

Central Division
blueflames 7-1-0
Eau Claire Charlatans 5-3-0
San Jose Synecdoche 4-4-0
marauders 3-5-0

West Division
Jimbo 4-4-0
scurvy dawgs 2-6-0

"Football is all very well as a game for rough girls, but is hardly suitable for delicate boys." ~Oscar Wilde

Friday, November 04, 2005

I, Federline

A copy of Kevin Federline's new single has leaked to the internet and it's every bit as awesome as you could imagine.

"Back then they called me K-Fed / But you can call me Daddy instead / Go ahead and say whatcha wanna / I'm gonna sell about 2 mil, oh, then I'm a goner."

Some critics may have you think that he's an untalented hillbilly channeling the spirit of Vanilla Ice, but they're all just jealous. It's sad, really. Kevin even says, "My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008." He actually predicts that everybody will hate his music. Predicts! His style is so revolutionary that he knows everybody will hate it until 2008.

"I know you all wish you was in my position / Cause I keep gettin' in situations that you wish you was in, cousin."

So if you're sitting around thinking that rap requires talent and rhythm, you just wait and see. In three years, everybody's music will sound like it was made in a basement by a drunken idiot who can't read or write. And boy, will you feel silly then.

"But maybe baby you can wait and see / Until then all these Pavarottis followin' me."


Thursday, November 03, 2005

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

They love me like I was a brother
They protect me, listen to me
They dug me my very own garden
Gave me sunshine, made me happy

Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream

I call up my friend, the good angel
But she's out with her answerphone
She says she would love to come help but
The sea would electrocute us all

Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream

If you think that you're strong enough
If you think you belong enough
If you think that you're strong enough
If you think you belong enough

[Just as well Just as well Just as well]

Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream, nice dream


Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Scary Monsters... and Super Creeps

Quotes taken from Satan's interview on The Big Story (Fox Network, of course).

On Democrats and Tom Delay:

"To be having this obviously political prosecution of a political enemy, that just shows them to be the fascists that they are."

On Janice Rogers Brown, Ann's favorite supreme court candidate:

"She is a black woman, and that will drive the Democrats so crazy, we might not even be able to execute them in Texas, which is a darn shame."

Coming soon, from the home office in Dekalb, Illinois: top ten things you could do with Ann Coulter's head and a big sharp stick.