Monday, March 28, 2016

God Says Hi.

Four in the morning, Saturday, and the dot on the TV screen had barely faded away when a blinding flood of ethereal light burst through the bedroom window, silhouetting a solitary figure outside tapping persistently on the dirty glass. Clyde’s eyes were slow to adjust, but he soon realized that the figure outside was none other than God.

“Marguritte,” Clyde said, “God’s outside, tapping on the glass.”

“Oh,” Marguritte replied. “Then is this a miracle?”

Clyde thought carefully about this.  “No,” he said, “He hasn’t done anything yet.  It’s probably just a visitation.”

“Well, we better see what He wants,” Marguritte said, and she and Clyde went to the window.

“Hello Clyde and Marguritte,” God said.

“Hello, God,” Clyde and Marguritte said back.

“I’ve decided to destroy the earth by flood as punishment for its wealth of violence and complacency.”  God’s manner was grim.

“Oh,” Marguritte exclaimed, “but You did that already, and said You’d never do it again.”

“Well,” God said, standing a little taller, “I’m doing it again.”

“That makes you a fibber… like that Mr. Newman who used to live next door,” Clyde said.

“Never mind that!” said God back, which made the Earth tremble slightly.  “I am warning you that you may be spared.  Your time is short, so ready yourselves.”

Clyde and Marguritte were somewhat taken aback by all this, but Marguritte regained her poise and asked slyly, “Do people really burn in Hell?”

God stared back at her. “What?” He said.

“ I mean, are they actually on fire?” Marguritte clarified.

“I know what you mean!” God boomed back. “No! That is a vicious rumor!” He rumbled, and then, He was taken up, the light disappearing. Then the sky opened up and it started to rain like Clyde and Marguritte had never seen before, except once in Montana.

It had been, Clyde mused, heading for the bathroom, a very long week.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Monday, March 14, 2016

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Friday, March 11, 2016

He is One Of Him.

''My life is really evil. There are people who are starving in the world, and I drive an Infiniti. That's really evil. There are people who would just starve to death. That's all they ever did. There's people who are like born, and they go, "Oh, I'm hungry," and then they just die. And that's all they ever got to do. And meanwhile, I'm in my car, "boom, boom, pow," like having a great time and I sleep like a baby. It's totally my fault, 'cause I could trade my Infiniti for like a really good car, like a nice Ford Focus with no miles on it, and I'd get back like $20,000. And I could save hundreds of people from dying of starvation with that money, and every day I don't do it. Every day I make them die with my car.''


Sunday, March 06, 2016

The Best Thing I Said Today.

"You're never too close for far out."

Saturday, March 05, 2016

Tuesday, March 01, 2016