Saturday, January 31, 2009

Icing On The Cake

Chalk it up as a failure to communicate.

"Can you guess what happened? Apparently the printing process is mostly
automatic and is printed directly from the website in edible ink. The designer
didn't catch it and they tried to sell it to the purchaser."
That's great. I don't know about you, but if I was the buyer I would have demanded several more icing flowers.

Friday, January 30, 2009

F-U-C--Oh Just Shoot Me

The radio industry* was rocked recently when Britney Spears announced her new single would be "If U Seek Amy." It seems radio stations have panicked because of the title's double entendre that I spent way too much time I'll never get back trying to figure out. NY Daily News reports:

"As for "Amy," it's hardly an accident that if you say the title fast -
and enunciate it a little more clearly than Spears does - you get a crude sexual
phrase.


"Happily for Jive Records and Brit, the Parents Television Council (PTC) decided to hyperventilate anyway, creating a tidal wave
of free promotion.That's one reason why, in case you hadn't noticed, Jive was in
no hurry to provide a "clean" edit for
radio
play
.

"As for Z100, America's defining top-40 station, the clean edit is
essential. The PTC may be windbags, but since Z100's parent Clear Channel just
fired 9% of its work force, it doesn't need to spend money defending itself at
the FCC. Also, Clear Channel CEO John Hogan promised Congress a couple of years
ago that the company would have a "zero tolerance" policy on
indecency."

Before everyone pats Britney on the back for her producers having a grasp of the English language,realize that she originally wanted to name the track "Taco Bell Wrapper on My Face" because "just think of the video, y'all. Just think of the video."


*In other news, it turns out there's still a radio industry. Who knew?

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Shat Seat

What? I'm the only one placing a pre-order?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

All Signs Point To "Yes"

Ever wanted to put your own message on one of those portable road signs along the highway?

Well now you can with just a little tampering and a whole lot of illegal! Unfortunately, because many children read this website, you'll have to follow the link after the jump to find out how. I'll admit, I gave it a go myself, and it does actually work. Although I did get busted. On accounta' the illegal.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Star Wars For Dummies

Here's a girl who's only seen bits of the Star Wars films on cable while she heated leftovers in another room. Her synopsis follows.

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

I'd like to say her description is lacking something... but let's be honest, it's at least as good as the screenplay for Phantom Menace.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Toys In My Attic

Here's what I've learned: you want to get details on an upcoming movie? Wait for the release of the toys. Sure, the film's producers, cast and crew may be tight-lipped and constrained by the law from spilling anything, but nuthin' stops the folks at Hasbro from taking pre-orders!

Don't believe me? How much have you seen from JJ Abrams' new Star Trek film?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

How Much Was That Bridge?

I don't even know what to say. Click -or pretend to click- here.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Blow Out

Jason Pickar used to write ads for Wendy's. They told his agency that they'd never air this spot:



I dunno... that may actually be preferable to the way Wendy's actually kills people. I'd expound, but suddenly I have the urge for a Double-Double.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Irony Can Be Pretty Ironic Sometimes

Okay, if you missed Battlestar Galactica last Friday, you suck. We've been over and over this!

Now, if you missed it, you missed the following scene, which was one of the most shocking and harrowing moments in a series rife with shocking and harrowing moments. If you knew Dualla, then you knew there was always hope... so more was lost here than anyone should have to bear:



Oh... and did I mention that that is the worst commercial placement ever?

Galactica's on tonight... you have nine episodes left... sweet jumping catfish, what are you waiting for?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Federline In The Sand

While you were basking in the glow of change and hope, Kevin Federline's new girlfriend Victoria Prince has been spending some quality time with Jayden James and, get the fuck out of here, Sean? Didn't see that coming. TMZ reports:

"K-Fed and his new girlfriend, Victoria Prince, took Sean Preston and Jayden James out for lunch at a Japanese restaurant in Fresno this weekend -- where Prince played the role of interim mom."
It's always a delicate high-wire act when getting to know your significant other's kids. Except in this case where Victoria could sell one of them on eBay and still look like Mary Poppins in comparison to Britney & K-Fed.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Choose Hope Over Fear



Full transcript as prepared for delivery of President Barack Obama's inaugural remarks on Jan. 20, 2009, at the United States Capitol in Washington, D.C.

"My fellow citizens:

"I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

"Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.

"So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

"That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

"These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land - a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

"Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many.

"They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America - they will be met. On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

"On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

"We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

"In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things - some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

"For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

"For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

"For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn. Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

"This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions - that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

"For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act - not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

"Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions - who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

"What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them - that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works - whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account - to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day - because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

"Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control - and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart - not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

"As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

"Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

"We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort - even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

"For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

"To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect.

"To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West - know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

"To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

"As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages.

"We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

"For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

"Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

"This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

"This is the source of our confidence - the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

"This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed - why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

"So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

" 'Let it be told to the future world...that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive...that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].'

"America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations."

Monday, January 19, 2009

LegObama!

LEGOLAND, California has a new scene on display from now until Memorial Day -- the 56th Presidential Inauguration, featuring Barack Obama and a thousand other plastic figurines that only slightly resemble who they're supposed to! Woot!
"More than one-thousand mini-figures have been created out of thousands of LEGO bricks to be a part of the festivities. Mini-figures include President-elect Obama and his family, Vice President-elect Joseph Biden and Jill Biden, President George Bush and First Lady Laura Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney and Lynn Cheney along with former President George Bush Sr. and Barbara Bush. Other mini-figures depicting ceremony participants include: Senator Dianne Feinstein, Dr. Rick Warren, Aretha Franklin, John Williams and performers Itzhak Perlman, Yo-Yo-Ma, Gabriela Montero, Anthony McGill, the Unites States Marine Band, the San Francisco Boys Chorus and the San Francisco Girls Chorus. Park guests can also find Oprah Winfrey in the crowd witnessing this momentous event...."
I can't help but think that until now, Oscar-winning composer/conductor John Williams has lead a pretty empty life. Sure, he's won countless awards and wrote the theme for Sunday Night Football... but what could possibly fill the void not being immortalized in Lego leaves in a man? I'm guessing that baton feels lighter in his hand now, my friends.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Candy Lamp For Mongo

Artist YaYa Chou made a chandelier by stringing gummi bears together because, goddamnit, lamps should be functional AND delicious. Don't believe me? Ask Willy Wonka.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Final 10

For frak's sake, watch this show! If you're not watching, you suck. So say we all.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Thanks For Nothing, Bob Barker

Hey kids! Mickey Rourke and his Chihuahua, Jaws, star in this latest PETA ad urging you to remove your pet's testicles or ovaries! Check out the text below which I guarantee is a direct Mickey Rourke quote based solely on its blunt effectiveness that also suggests the speaker's retardation:

"When dogs get knocked up,

"Puppies get put down

"Because there aren't enough homes for them."

I was gonna' add a closing remark, but what could possibly top that? Well played, Mickey Rourke... well played.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

No One's Smiling

Rest in peace, Ricardo Montalban... and thanks for the Corinthian leather.


Kirk: Khan, you bloodsucker. You're going to have to do your own dirty work now! Do you hear me? Do you?
Khan: Kirk? You're still alive, my old friend?
Kirk
: Still, "old friend!" You've managed to kill everyone else, but like a poor marksman, you keep missing the target!
Khan
: Perhaps I no longer need to try, Admiral. [beams the Genesis device away]
Kirk
: Khan... Khan, you've got Genesis, but you don't have me. You were going to kill me, Khan. You're going to have to come down here. You're going to have to come down here!
Khan: I've done far worse than kill you, Admiral. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her; marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet... buried alive! Buried alive...!
Kirk
: KHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

One Night Only: Vic Hitler

Surely you remember Heath and Deborah Campbell, the two failures at life that named their children Adolph Hitler, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie? Well, unsurprisingly, they've had their kids removed from the household by New Jersey's Division of Youth and Family Services because they're idiots who shouldn't have been allowed to breed in the first place.

"No reason was given for why the children were removed, however, and Holland
Township police chief David Van Gilson told the site they had not received any
reports of abuse or negligence."
Um, news flash: naming your son Adolph Hitler IS abuse.

" 'They're just names, you know,' Heath Campbell told the Easton Express-Times
in December. 'Yeah, they (the Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are
little. They're not going to grow up like that.' "
However, Heath reportedly denies the Holocaust, and their home is decorated with swastikas.
Real smooth there, Heath, real smooth.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Don't Let The Door Hit You On The Ass





Seriously, who are the 23% who still believe Dubya did a great job?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Wii'd Him... And Weep

Okay, here's a suggestion: TURN YOUR SPEAKERS DOWN, SERIOUSLY.



This is a video of some kid getting wiidiculous (woooo!) after he opens a Wii on Christmas. And let me tell you: based on his behavior, I would have taken that thing right back to the store. But in all seriousness kid, your parents don't love you. Don't believe me? Where was your Wii on Christmas 2006? 2007? Exactly.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Friday, January 09, 2009

Amazing!

LISA TOLIN January 8, 2009 01:58 PM EST AP

WASHINGTON — Spider-Man has a new sidekick: The president-elect.

"Barack Obama collected Spider-Man comics as a
child, so Marvel Comics wanted to give him a "shout-out back" by featuring him
in a bonus story, said Joe Quesada, Marvel's editor-in-chief.


" "How great is that? The commander in chief to be is actually a nerd in
chief," Quesada said. "It was really, really cool to see that we had a geek in
the White House. We're all thrilled with that." The comic starts with Spider-Man's alter-ego Peter Parker taking photographs at the inauguration,
before spotting two identical Obamas.


"Parker decides "the future president's gonna need Spider-Man," and
springs into action, using basketball to determine the real Obama and punching
out the impostor.


"Obama thanks him with a fist-bump.

"Marvel comics have featured most presidents, but generally in
walk-on roles, Quesada said.


" "I think President Nixon might have appeared on the cover, but
not in a good way," he said.


"Obama has said that as a child, he collected Spider-Man and Conan
the Barbarian
comic books. His Senate Web site used to have a
photo of him posing in front of a Superman statue.


"The Obama story is a bonus in Marvel Comic's Amazing Spider-Man
#583, available in comic book shops nationwide on Jan. 14 for $3.99 and is
expected to sell out, with half the covers devoted to Obama."

Thursday, January 08, 2009

K-Fathead

K-Fed's new girlfriend Victoria Prince apparently has some money problems and could be looking to get her hands on some sweet Britney money. TMZ reports:

"Sources tell TMZ Victoria Prince was booted from her Beverly Hills home back in September after she allegedly didn't pay rent for six months. We're told she struck a deal with her landlord to pay him back in installments, but she never made any of the payments.

"Now, the landlord is suing Prince for $7500, but there's a catch -- nobody knows where to find her!

"We're told her landlord tried to serve her where she works, but security wouldn't let the process server in."

Look, no one is saying she's just looking to cash in with some K-Babies... no, actually, that's exactly what everyone is saying. Hate the game, knowhatI'msayin'?

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Monday, January 05, 2009

Sign Of The Times

Right.

Buh-bye human race! Buh-bye!

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Winter Wonderland

Mark Borlase went and built himself a rad Hoth battle diorama out of 60,000 LEGO blocks. Sure most of those are contained in that massive cave, but still, goddamm.
"As the headline says, the 5′X10′ diorama is comprised of 60,000 Lego
bricks. It cost creator Mark Borlase about $3,000 and four years of construction
time to complete.


"There's also the 50 LED lights that illuminate the Echo Base hangar
and bacta tank with a soothing blue. Motorized AT-AT wenches and a fully
operational hanger door top off this gorgeous pile of eye candy."


Four years of construction! The freakin' Egyptian pyramids were built in less time... and those guys didn't have clamps for hands.