Thursday, January 31, 2008

Then Luke Said "Poker? I Hardly Knew Her!"

Almost as if dared, Sharper Image is here to prove that there's pretty much no product that can't be Star Wars themed. See? Sharper Image is selling these poker sets. For only $150 you too can be a proud owner. "The set includes 50 blue Luke Skywalker chips, 50 blue Obi-Wan Kenobi chips, 50 green Yoda chips and of course 50 red Darth Vader chips." It's also got a Death Star dealer chip and two sets of Star Wars playing cards. Perhaps the coolest thing about the set is that the chips are translucent and the case has 72 LEDs embedded in it, so when you open it the chips light up like two lightsabers. Neat! If I had $150 I might consider one. Except I'd decide to gamble with the money instead, because if I doubled my money I could afford to get two Star Wars poker chip sets! And that, my friends, is why I'm always broke.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Happy Birthday! Popeye's Here!

"He can do anything that he wants
He can do anything that he wants
Gene Hackman – what a guy
He can bring a tear to your eye

Well, is there anything he can’t do?
Well, is there anything he can’t do?
Gene Hackman – versatile
The leading actor by a country mile
Gene Hackman
Gene Hackman

He knows his lines and he hits his marks
He knows his lines and he hits his marks
Gene Hackman – What a pro
He’ll show the Fat Cat just where to go
Gene Hackman
Gene Hackman

Gene must have made thousand films
He’s kissed a thousand girls
And made a thousand kills
And let’s not forget he took on Superman!

He’s not man to be trifled with
He’s not man to be trifled with
Gene Hackman – don’t mess around
‘Popeye’ Doyle’ll clean up this town
Gene Hackman
Gene Hackman
Oh, Gene…Gene Hackman
Gene Hackman

Gene must have made thousand films
He’s kissed a thousand girls
And made a thousand kills
And let’s not forget he took on Superman!

He’s won a couple of Oscars too
He’s won a couple of Oscars too
Gene Hackman - take a bow
You deserve it, oh, anyhow
Gene Hackman
Gene Hackman
Gene Hackman
Gene Hackman

~Hoodoo Gurus, Gene Hackman

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Next Generation

It's hardly surprising, but still worthy of mention. This story got buried in the midst of the Heath Ledger craziness (hey, I'm bummed about that too, but life shambles on down Melrose, knowhatI'msayin'?), but apparently mom-to-be Jamie Lynn Spears has a partying past. And she’s only 16. Friends say her mom caught Jamie Lynn drinking at age 14 and she’s a smoker, according to Life & Style:

"And even after seeing her older sister shuttle in and out of rehab and have
her children taken from her, Jamie Lynn's risky behavior didn't stop. "She's
been known to smoke and drink," says a pal, though her rep says Jamie Lynn
currently does neither. "She's starting to remind friends of Britney," adds the
If Jamie Lynn starts speaking in an English accent, we’re past the point of no return, people. You might as well fit her for a pink wig and torn fishnets. I’ll notify Starbucks. My god, how do you tell someone there are two Britneys? I’d rather tell someone their dog died and I was the driver. Of course, I’ll deny it in court. Although I’m the only guy in the neighborhood who drives a monster truck with Milk Bone wheels….

Saturday, January 26, 2008

And The Children Shall Flee

So Britney... jeeeeeeeeze. This is almost getting boring, it's so predictable.

Okay. So. Britney Spears caused an incident at a Beverly Hills elementary school when she was spotted outside smoking and talking to herself, according to Us Magazine:

“She was just rambling and confused,” says the witness, who approached
Spears to ask if she was OK. “She said, ‘I’m here to pick up my kids.’ But then
she changed her story and said, ‘They aren’t my kids; I have a new attorney, and
I came to pick them up for her.’”

At this point the kids were being let out and the sight of Britney Spears naturally terrified the little tykes:

“It became the talk of the school. Some of the kids were freaked out,” says
a school source. She was directed to a more secure entrance around back.But
before getting into her car and driving off (without any children), she chatted
up the female witness: “She said, ‘You’re so nice. You should give me your
number. I don’t have very many friends.’"

Either Britney Spears is now trying to kidnap random children or her lawyer is stupendously fucking retarded. Who the hell sends Britney to pick up their children? You’d be better off finding a pack of stray dogs and letting them sniff your kid’s hat. Of course, my lazy dad didn’t have much luck with this method. I was always biting the neighbors on account of the rabies, and they never did find my brother Jeffy.... But then again, Britney Spears, I dunno. Can't you just buy the kids guns?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Story Bored

Sure, many directors are reluctant to let audiences into the world of their film until it's completed, but Watchmen director Zack Snyder seems intent on proving that he's not fucking up the cherished works of Alan Moore... at least not too much.

His latest cry of "See? See? I'm being faithful!" comes in the form of his storyboards, which he's posted on the official blog, along with comparisons to the original. You can put to rest your fears that Rorschach falling to the street would stray too far from the comic. He still hits trash cans! Whew!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Stuck On You

SUCK UK is selling the best tape ever, in both traditional LCD and Pixel varieties! A mini roll will set you back £5 (~$9.80) and the big ones go for £7.50 (~$14.70), which is pretty freaking expensive for some damn tape. Still, if you can't stand the look of plain analog packing tape, maybe this is for you. You know, the pixel tape kind of reminds me of the opscan forms you had to fill out for multiple choice tests in college. I would always get two and after I was done taking the test I'd put a fake name on the other and fill in the bubbles to look like a monster penis. Ahhhhhh, college.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Hoodie Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!


MonsterHoodies are hooded sweatshirts with teeth sewn into the hood and some googly eyes glued on. They're made by Jen Dunlap and Zach Smith (who I assume are the two in the pictures) and start shipping February 1st. They cost $60 (with free shipping) and are made from American Apparel Unisex California Fleece Zip Hoodies that normally cost $41. So if you’re skilled in the arts of sewing and gluing you could do it yourself and save a few coconuts. I have no skills whatsoever (I once glued my head to the desk), so I'm buying Dinosaurus Rex (the green one). The others, going clockwise are Neko Gato, Shark Bite, and Monster Kun.
UPDATE: While the hoodies themselves probably won't scare children, that face the girl is making in the upper right photo sure will.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Mod Batter

I'm really waaaaay too excited about this thing.

Batfan06 (a modder) went and made a computer case out of a 1/6 scale Tumbler Batmobile RC car. It looks good. Real good. Nice and well lit. I like lights. The dude obviously has what the kids call the "mad skillz" and I give him "props" for such a wicked looking case. It's certainly a hell of a lot better than my case mod. Which is just a plain beige computer case I covered with Hello Kitty stickers.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

You Won't Believe The Dream I Just Had

It's not right, and it's not fair. Suzanne Pleshette has just passed away at 70. Good night, Emily.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

High Dynamic Range Against The Machines

For those of you who aren't familiar with "High Dynamic Range" photography, it's pretty neat. Basically you take several photos of the exact same scene using different exposure values. That way you get photos that have the darkest darks, and other with the lightest lights. Then you combine the photos (Photoshop even has an option for this) and presto, High Dynamic Range. A lot of the pictures turn out otherworldy, and because I don't actually know anything about photography or art, I think they look like they were rendered for a video game. Which is cool. See?

Friday, January 18, 2008

Fog Lite

You know what a fan I am of alcohol-inspired art, but even I have to admit that the GAT Fog pretty much makes the bar of alcohol-inspired art nigh unreachable for other alocohol-inspired artists.

GAT stands for -get this- "Gin And Tonic"! It's a fog made out of gin and tonic -- brilliant! I mean, I've been looking for easier ways to get drunk, and those alcohol-soaked suppositories have started to chafe my butt. Now I'll just make a fog machine and fill 'er to the brim with burboun. Oh happy day! I'm going to try it right now, I'll let you know how it goes.

UPDATE: Ofkay its eems to haave worksed. IT dfeinitely sucseeded in mkaing me smelll drukn. hOly shite it is drunk i n hear. TJHis room is wiizaasssted! iT cant' evan stay stil l. OMJWTG! aT frist i oclouldnt tell iF i wash getitng drukn SO i put my mouthe overe the fog noozle BU T THE N I FEEL ALSEEP! i wokes up PLIZAATARD. !!!!QQQQQQQQQQQAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZ

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Power Up!

This Super Mario inspired shirt from 80sTees is dirty because of the double meaning in the message. While it's perfectly fine for Mario to hit a couple question blocks, it's the other meaning that makes it so naughty. My mom would never in a million years let me buy this shirt. Because when you say "I'd hit that" what you mean is that you'd "ride that wave", "get mad play", and/or "tap that". All of which have sexual connotations -- and that's just tacky. What is not tacky is the t-shirt I have that features a little cartoon man stealing a TV from a burning building with the phrase "I'd attack that ass like a looter in a riot". That thing is all class. Thanks Grandma!

Monday, January 14, 2008

God I Wish I Was Kidding

There's certainly no shortage of work to do these days, and Regis knows I don't have any time to gag lollies... yet at the strangest times throughout the afternoon I found my thoughts returning to this question: "Are there any female breakfast cereal mascots?"

Seriously. Here are all of the mascots I could think of today:

He's the sensitive, bumbling Phil Donahue of cereal mascots.

The chef(s) get points for the aprons, but it's still a male-dominated industry... and cereal box.

It doesn't really get any manlier than Tony the Tiger, does it?

What the Trix rabbit lacks in testosterone, he more than makes up for with guile.

We'll be revisiting the idea of forcing gender roles on the undead. Still, you can't argue the fact that the Yummy Mummy is a dude.

Only a wolfen bachelor would buy himself a rainbow-colored vest.

Alien, sure... but all man, my friends.

He's got that weird androgynous quality, and he may not be as masculine as Patti Smith, but he's 100% XY.

Clowns are men too. Even the crying ones.

Toucan or phallic symbol? You make the call!

Pink? Yup. Dead? You bet. Dude? Oh yeah.

Treasure-grubbing, self-loving... sounds like a man to me.

He's not the "Countess Chocula" now, is he?

Dude. And he abides.

I almost gave this one a pass since it's named after a girl ("Pebbles," I mean. Not one of the never-ending progression of exotic dancers or porn stars named "Coco"). Sadly, the name doesn't give the misogynists on the box any excuse. Tough break, Fred. Screw you, Barney.

Yeah, it's the Captain's mess, but I have a feeling he won't be cleaning it up. Welcome to 1956, Cap'n!

Who gave Tucker Carlson a breakfast cereal, anyway?

Really? (Clearly male) frogs and breakfast? The ad men at Kellogg's were high all of the time.

Elves? Pixies? Fairies? Dunno... but I count three Adam's Apples.

So there you go. I can't think of a single female breakfast cereal mascot, and believe me, I've tried. This, by the way, is the reason Nancy always walks away softly sobbing into her hands after she asks me the question "What're you thinking?"

Sunday, January 13, 2008

You Really Got Me

Well folks, it's official: playing the air guitar is real, can now make actual music... and is still pretty sad and pathetic, really.

Featured at CES 2008, the Jada Air Guitar Rocker is a special little amp and belt buckle that make the magic happen. The buckle detects your strumming from a special pick and plays the next chord in the song via a speaker. All you have to do to make the song sound good is strum at the proper tempo. Which, by default, makes you look like you're playing with yourself. And that's not necessarily a bad thing -- it works great for clearing out seats on a crowded bus. Trust me, I know my perverted friend knows.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

He Loves Him Some Him

K-Fed is trying to make it as a producer and no longer holds aspirations of being a rap artist. He’s currently “nurturing” new artists from his home studio (one can only assume/hope that it's in Fresno) so he can be closer to his boys, according to E! Online:

"He loves the music business and is committed to making it a career for himself, even if it's not as a singer. He knows no one will ever take him seriously as a performer, so he's working behind the scenes as a producer."

I imagine Kevin is drawing on his experience watching Britney’s career implode to help him become a producer. Now he knows what not to do to succeed starting with Rule #1 in Kevin’s studio: “Don’t be bringing no white-boy dancer husbands in here.” Guy’s a fast learner.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

What's New, Pussycat?

Not that I really needed any further proof that the world is doomed but for all of you out there that weren't convinced: Kitty Wigs.

Kitty Wigs are exactly what they sound like and cost a mere $50 each. The colors, in case you couldn't tell, are pink passion, bashful blonde, silver fox, and electric blue. Each comes in a special metal storage case and includes a rattle toy so your cat will look at you when you try to take pictures of it. What is not included is a certificate that your cat can redeem to restore its dignity and self respect after they've been stripped from the poor creature because you're a sicko.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Don't Ignore The Lynch Gob!

All I can say is, here's further proof that David Lynch is a great director, and an even greater madman. He's right, but still crazy as a sack of Tony Littles.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

So it turns out that Kevin Federline had many reasons to be concerned on Thursday night when Britney Spears initiated a standoff with the police and locked herself in her bedroom with the children. The most alarming reason: K-Fed knew Britney kept a handgun in that room. He had given it to her for a birthday present, according to one of his friends who spoke to News of the World:

"K-Fed, 29, panicked on Thursday night after realising the fallen pop
princess kept the handgun—a Beretta 92FS—in the master bedroom where she was
holding the kids, Jayden James, one, and Sean Preston, two. Convinced that in
her out-of-control state she would use the weapon to kill the lads then turn it
on her herself, the wannabe rapper rang his lawyers who alerted the authorities.
"Kevin knew she was on the edge and might snap at any time. "Knowing there were
TWO firearms in the house, including the Beretta, he wasn't taking any chances—
hence the massive police response."
That, my friends, is some chilling shit. Who the hell gives Britney Spears a handgun for a birthday present? Lokk here, sunny Jim, it’s not like their marriage wasn’t rocky from the start: “Hey, baby, I know you hate me using your credit card and partying and stuff. But, uh, here’s a handgun. Happy Birthday, gorgeous!"

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Fantasy Recap: Don't Dream It's Over

For added poignancy, click the arrow, then read on.

So let's get that final playoff game out of the way, shall we?

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 210.90-234.17

Yup. Lost. It was close, but a pretty pathetic game all around, all things considered.

Before we get to the final standings in each league, I promised you a comparison of projected outcomes to actual outcomes. It's time for the results show! The various fantasy gurus guessed right 40 times, and guessed incorrectly 37 times. I guess what this really means is that the projections don't really mean anything. Good thing I conducted a 17-week study of the phenomenon. Next we'll cover why there's air.

The final standings:

In the my Yahoo! league? I clawed my way up to 5th.

*1. Arsenal 11-2-0

*2. Night Train 10-3-0

*3. MightyPurpleHelmets 8-5-0

*4. De chier des bulles 9-4-0

*5. Blue Blazer Regulars 8-5-0

*6. Extreme Hummingbird 5-8-0

7. Snooze Alarm 5-8-0

8. LiL Man 4-9-0

9. Purple People Eaters 4-9-0

10. Intercepticons 1-12-0

Nancy finished 4h, and Robert managed to win the whole shebang. Joe? Joe wound up in 7th... not that there's anything wrong with that.

In the office Yahoo! league:

*1. BALCO 11-3-0
*2. Mitchell Comission 11-3-0
*3. Death by Haiku 10-4-0
*4. The Flying Frenchman 9-5-0
*5. The Pastry Ducks 8-6-0
*6. San Diego Zoo 8-6-0
*7. LightsOut 7-7-0
*8. Livefree; Rhymehard 6-8-0
9. Bliss's Blitzers 5-9-0
10. Baby Bashers 5-9-0
11. The Tony Danza's 4-10-0
12. ativan stat 0-14-0

I finished in 8th... sigh. came THIS close to finishing 7th though! Tony, meanwhile, had an awesome season and after being in first for most of 17 weeks, finished in 3rd overall. An impressive run, I must say.

In my NFL.COM league:

Catchers in the Rye 9-6-0
Eau Claire Vandals 6-8-0
Textboo 6-8-0
LacesOu 5-9-0

Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 11-4-1
Death by Haiku 2 6-8-0
RumseyB 5-9-0
Goregor 3-10-1

DredPir 12-4-0
HolyHan 9-5-0
Mothers 9-6-0
Underdo 5-9-0

Top of my division, but finished overall 5th.

In that really, really crappy league:

UsualSu 10-5-1
Clemson 7-5-2
LofasLa 7-6-1
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 5-8-1

BBbadbo 10-6-0
Knights 8-6-0
FBomber 8-7-0
royals1 6-8-0

TeamAlp 7-7-1
YounGGu 6-8-0
FifeFan 5-9-0
Lynchbe 5-9-0

Not only did I finish last in my division, I finished last overall. By the way, this was the league where I kinda' forgot about the draft, and never ranked my players. Finishing last is a high price to pay for proving myself right aboutthe need to spend weeks poring over player rankings and offensive line rosters, but hey, I was right after all. And last. But mostly right.

And in that league where I went undefeated for-almost-ever, and then lost in the first round of the playoffs:

Powerful Mach 5! 12-3-0
Provide 6-8-0
JediMas 6-8-0
Bigbron 4-10-0

NEPats 10-5-0
Baldeag 8-6-0
Skeleto 3-11-0
ItaliHe 2-12-0

Xchucki 14-2-0

Provide 10-6-0
Breakin 5-9-0

Finished first in my division here as well, but third overall. All in all, my best fantasy season ever, right here in a league I joined as an afterthought at the 11th hour.

So there you have it! Another fantasy football season come and gone. I enjoyed both my best and worst seasons ever, but more than anything I enjoyed watching Nancy win a championship, and seeing people like Rick and Kathleen doing unbelievably well in their first fantasy football seasons ever. Of course all that means is that next year I'll be encouraging them to join someone else's league, but I'm still impressed... and already on the lookout for people who aren't so naturally adept at fantasy sports. Interested? It's only 8 months 'till next season's draft!

Friday, January 04, 2008

Driver's Seat

So by now we've all heard the news: Our beloved Britney was strapped to a gurney and taken from her home after a custody standoff with the police and local fire department. The cops are saying Britney was under the influence of an unknown substance when she refused to allow her children to leave her house with Kevin Federline's bodyguard. The Associated Press reports:

"Officers were called to Spears' house around 8 p.m. to respond to the custody dispute with ex-husband Kevin Federline over their sons, 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James, Lee said.

By about 10:30 p.m., six police cars, two ambulances and a fire truck had entered the gated-community that includes Spears' house. Several police cars were seen in the area earlier in the night.

Spears turned over the children around 10:50 p.m., Lee said."

TMZ reported that K-Fed’s lawyers met with the judge this morning to strip Britney of her visitation rights. She is currently on “5150 hold” at Cedars-Sinai hospital which means there is evidence that Britney is a danger to herself and others. Like that's news.

I'm no lawyer, but I'd have to say that Britney Spears' meltdown last night will obviously cause permanent damage in her custody battle with K-Fed. Former prosecutor Susan Filan, (MSNBC’s senior legal analyst) says that Britney’s refusal to turn over her children to police was “a very serious no-no in the world of courts.” People reports:

"As for the standoff that ensued, as well as, it has been assumed, arguments in front of the children by the parents, Filan said the courts are also likely to take a very dim view. She also said that this could pave the way for Federline to be in charge of determining all future decisions involving the boys."

Susan offered her opinion on the final outcome of Britney’s actions:

“The court may very well have to intervene and cut off visitation, which is tough for a court , because a court doesn't want to deprive a child from its mom. This is really emotional stuff."

Concluded Filan: "These kids are now, I think, directly being harmed by the mother who … is spiraling out of control. I think she's just about done."

She’s the senior legal analyst for MSNBC and Susan Filan is just now starting to think Britney Spears is a danger to her kids. Hmmmmmm, those are some keen observational skills. It only took her about a year to reach the most obvious conclusion in the history of family law. Someone get Susan Filan a cookie. She earned it today.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

The Final Countdown

This teaser for NBC's attempt at raising interest for the new Knight Rider is very short, pointless, and looks like the introduction of a Fear Factor challenge, but it does let you hear Will Arnett's update to the voice of their talking car (now a Mustang). Does anyone else think they made him say "Hello, Mike" instead of "Michael" so that we wouldn't think we were watching Arrested Development remade with cars? And really... would that be so bad?

Tuesday, January 01, 2008