Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Why So Serious?

Thanks to Comic-Con, there's a lot of new information flooding in on The Dark Knight! The above image? About the least of the cool stuff Warner Brothers is stringing us along with... check it out.

Oh, and the sequence below? It was filmed the night we left Chicago... it's nice to know we can still flip a semi-truck over if we want to. The machines haven't won yet, my friends!

Monday, July 30, 2007

Serenity NOW

Have friends? Want to get rid of them? I'm sure the NOW Watch can help you out. From the product site:

"The most accurate time piece ever invented! Precisely accurate in all time zones throughout the entire universe. A timely reminder of the only moment that really matters - NOW. The NOW watch consists of reflective metallic lettering on a traditional watch face that rests on a black leather cuff band. The black unisex design fits all wrists on both men and women."

It's a fun idea, but it should come with an ice pack, because every time somebody asks you the time and you whip this out and tell them "Now" you're gonna' get punched in the throat... and for just $49.95!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

K-Fed Knows Best: Happy Apocalypse!

After an impressive run of erratic behavior, K-Fed reportedly wants sole custody of the kids and is refusing to sign a joint custody agreement with Britney Spears. The Scoop has a roundup of Britney's recent lunacy:

"Spears was recently spotted driving with her younger son Jayden facing
forward in his car seat, not backward as federal guidelines require. And earlier
this month, he was photographed grabbing his mother’s cigarettes. On July 18,
she stripped to her skivvies on a beach in front of photographers and reports of
bizarre behavior at an OK! magazine shoot have friends seriously worried about
the Toxic singer. Spears wants K-Fed
to sign a joint custody agreement, but
he’s reportedly refused. “Kevin is convinced she’s not fit to raise the kids,”
an insider told the mag. “He’s done tolerating her behavior and is gearing up to
fight for full custody.” "

I'm not even sure why Britney wants the kids. They seem like they'd just get in her way. Besides, even if she does get custody, sooner or later she's just going to trade them in for some magic beans. Or regular beans.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

No Saving Grace

I know, there's Lindsay Lohan news to talk about, but shouldn't we all take a break, and feel Holly Hunter's pain for just a moment? Holly gave us "Carnelle" and "Jane" from Miss Firecracker and Broadcast News after all... we should be there for her now... this is the least we can do for her.

Look, I have no idea who this Merry girl is, but I could go to the DMV and randomly pick out twenty people more qualified to be on TV.

Watch the entire thing, and keep in mind this is ABC doing the interview. ABC. That's very important, because it'll help explain why one of the producers suddenly lets out a giant scream in the background. You could put a cat on a desk and it would conduct a better interview than this. The cat wouldn't even have to be alive.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Sweet Home, Chicago

It's the Honorable Richard Daley Plaza! You know, from the climax of The Blues Brothers!

Soldier Field! Gee, I think renovating that stadium was a swell idea!

Nancy kissing a dinosaur. Then we got yelled at for taking pictures. Go figure.

My name is Sue! How do you do?

Mother's! You knew me, but I didn't know you.

Second City! Where John Belushi was born, and where I spilled my Mohito!

It turns out they were filming The Dark Knight in Chicago during our stay...

While Brian Urlacher filmed a TV commercial...

Oh, and the hardest thing about finding the Bob Newhart statue at Navy Pier?

Finding anyone on Navy Pier who has heard of Bob Newhart.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

A Big City Instead Of Merely A Large Place

"It's a 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes; it's dark and we're wearing sun glasses. Hit it!" ~The Blues Brothers

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

As Good As It's Name

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been." ~Mark Twain

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Atoms Gone Wild

"Don't touch that dial! Don't touch that one either! And stop touching yourself! SCTV is on the air!" ~SCTV Tagline

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Man Of Spinto

You know what, Betty? We're goin' anyway!

Superman? Singing? Dancing? Together? Easily the best idea since corrugated cardboard!

Saturday, July 21, 2007

There's Daggers In Men's Smiles

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
~Homer Simpson

Friday, July 20, 2007

Harry Potter And The Sputtering Hype Machine

Over the past couple of weeks, numerous torrents have surfaced online claiming to be the 7th and last Harry Potter book. They are all fakes. Can you really be surprised? This one, on the other hand, is the real thing. Someone has managed to get their hands on the American edition of the book and has photographed each page of and uploaded it to BitTorrent.


Look, maybe it is, and maybe it isn't... but will reading it stop anyone from buying it this weekend? Hell, reading it will probably boost sales... how else will you know if you really got the scoop... or just some really convincing fanfic?

Real or not, it's an impressive amount of initiative and moxy... be it on the part of crazed fans or cooly reasoning publicists.

The other thing that's amazing about this is that the main complaint that’s coming up in comment threads on these content-sharing sites is that the quality isn’t great. Not that it's posted... but that it's hard to read. You can just barely manage to read each page. And as some downloaders promptly noted, a few pages can't be read at all without editing the images in Photoshop.

Now, in the interest of saving your eyesight -or sanity- here's a rundown of the major plot points. Yes, (if you buy that this is the real deal) when you click the link, you'll learn who lives, who dies and who muggles a Voldemort... or something. So, if you want to remain unspoilt, for the love of Hermione, don't click here!

Thursday, July 19, 2007


Britney Spears was spotted at Millennium dance studio sporting a pink wig and carrying her new $3,000 pet Yorkie in her hand. She bought the dog last Friday and named him "London", adding to her growing collection of pets which included a parakeet she bought from Petco last month. I write "included" because it hasn't escaped my attention that the parakeet hasn't been seen or heard from since she loaded it into her car. I'm not saying she necessarily killed it, I'm just saying she did. So see, I'm pretty sure the last thing Britney Spears needs is more living creatures to care for. This thing would have a better chance of survival if it was being raised by the inside of a bear's mouth.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Thank You, Come Again

So if you're lookin' for a Kwik-E Mart, here you go.

Nancy and I made the trek to the Bay Area's only Kwik-E Mart this weekend. Imagine our surprise when we saw the line outside. The line to get into a 7-11. Dozens of people waiting in line to enter a 7-11 that some corporate clown transformed into a knock-off of a fictional convenience store that's a knock-off itself of every 7-11. Is that a refreshing whimsy, or a distinct lack of imagination? I dunno... but I know we want to go back later this month when we might actually be able to go inside.

UPDATE: Yes, we went back on a weekday, and yes we got in! Woot! Squishees all around!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Hilary Or High Water

Hilary Duff lip-synched her way through So You Think You Can Dance recently, which was a terrible idea because she can't actually dance. Or sing. Or lip-synch, really. She basically shuffles around on stage for three minutes while waving her arms a bit. You'd get better dancing from a toaster oven. She's more qualified to be on Jeopardy than to be on So You Think You Can Dance.

Monday, July 16, 2007

The Customer Is Always Late

So not long ago, I went to lunch.

I go to lunch -if not "most" days, many days- like most worker bees. Usually later in the afternoon. Like between 2:00 and 3:00. It just works out that way.

It also works out that, during the summer, my local eatery options are unceremoniously shuttered at 3:00. It's not my place to debate their profound wisdom. Me? I go with the flow. I roll like that. Yo.

Anyway, this happened just recently. I'm not making it up. If I were, you'd know because in my recounting I'd be feeding a unicorn tulips with one hand while fighting off reptilian bounty hunters with a half-charged light saber in the other. No, this happened... and all I wanted was some soup. Truth be told, I didn't want soup. I was getting soup for someone less fortunate... or at least, less mobile.

Me: "Yeah, may I get some soup?"
Girl: "Soup?"
Me: "Yes, soup. I'd like some. Chicken noodle. It was out there earlier."
Girl: "Oh, soup. I broke the soup down."
Me: "Good for you. I want some. I'll wait."
Girl: "I broke it down."
Me: "When do you close?"
Girl: "3:00"
Me: "Isn't it just after 2:00 now?"
Girl: "Yes."
Me: "So you're still serving food, right?"
Girl: "Yes."
Me: "And soup is considered food, right?"
Girl: "Ye-es."
Me: "Is there still soup? I mean, was it all consumed? Is the soup gone?"
Girl: "Oh no; I just broke it down."
Me: "So there is soup here in the building I could have?"
Girl: "Yes... but I broke it down."
Me: "Good. I want some soup. I'll wait."

So she goes and gets the tub o' soup, and plops it down on a counter for me. The ladle had fallen into the soup. Luckily, she let me reach in and get it... I was afraid she'd use tongs or, I don't know... get another ladle, but nope! I was afforded the opportunity to fish around in the tub for the soup-slickened ladle. I was obligingly gracious, even as I poked at the ladle with a plastic knife.

Me: "Thank you!"
Girl: "Uh-huh."
Me (after extricating the ladle): "You think I could have a cup?"
Girl: "I broke them down."
Me: "Yeah, I saw that. I need a cup."
Girl: "I'll go get one?"
Me: "Is that really a question?"
Girl: "No?"
Me: "No."
Girl: "I'll go get a cup."
Me: "Yes, I'd appreciate that."
Girl: "Do you need a lid?"
Me: "What do you think?"
Girl: "I'll bring lids."
Me: "Thank you!"

Honestly, why even bother posting hours if you're just going to ignore them? "Sure, we're open 'till 3:00, but we toss the food out and clean the fixtures at 2:00 because we don't want to have to stay past 3:05. Oprah's on." I'd actually respect that argument more than their averted gazes and the way they scurry about like guilt-ridden cockroaches every day when I go to get a sandwich and the only thing still available is a bag of Fritos and yesterday's sushi. Is cleaning the toaster oven early really worth the slings and arrows those of us who just want to eat during the posted hours inevitably throw when we can't get a hot dog at 2:45?

I'm sorry. I haven't eaten in three days. I'm pissy.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

More Like Cuba "Bading"! Thank You! Try The Veal!

The brains behind Daddy Day Care apparently were so pleased with themselves that they decided to make a sequel, and the trailer's now online.

Oh boy. What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said about the holocaust? Hey, remember when Cuba Gooding Jr. won an Oscar? Since then he's been in Snow Dogs, Pearl Harbor, Boat Trip, and Norbit, among other steaming piles of poop. I could wipe my butt with my resume after a big glass of Metamucil and it'd still have fewer turds on it than his.

For the love of god, man, get a new agent. Not soon... now.

It can't be fun making movies for the "family-too-dumb-to-notice-something-sucks" crowd.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Shippen The Knight

First of all, if I never type/say "Manny" again I'll be a very happy guy. Content, even.
So, there's been speculation that Britney Spears has started dating her bodyguard/manny, Daimon Shippen, but a source close to them says their relationship is purely professional. People reports:

" "He's her bodyguard and manny," says a source familiar with Shippen's
employment. "They're not dating." Shippen, a California native described by the
source as "funny, but on the quiet side," is "tickled" by the attention from the
media. "But he really wants to focus on his job: taking care of the kids and of
her," says the source."
Apparently this is the same guy who saved Sean Preston's life when Britney almost dropped him about a year ago. Although considering this is Britney Spears, saving Sean Preston's life probably isn't that big a deal. The 7-Eleven guy who found him in the hot dog case has saved his life. As has the cabbie who noticed him on the hood of the car. I saved his life twice this morning on my way to the bathroom.

Friday, July 13, 2007


Hey! It's Wesley, everyone! Channeling Kirk & Picard! Click the pic!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Too Much Confusion Here

It's the best damn show on television, and this November brings us its final season. The last 22 episodes of our beloved Battlestar Galactica, and a prequel the kids call Razor. Check it out, then go buy seasons 1-3 on DVD. And get me a Slurpee while you're out, alright?

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Sick Again

If this whole thing makes me sick, what do I do?

Michael Moore was on Wolf Blitzer's show recently, and CNN made the mistake of showing a piece by Sanjay Gupta where he attempts to refute some of the facts Moore makes in Sicko with Moore sitting there the whole time. And I must say, Gupta does a pretty lame job of it - pointing out that Americans spend $6,096 on health care a year rather than the $7,000 Moore claims, among other things. Ooooooh, hard hitting.

Anyway, by the time Moore got on he was all full of piss and vinegar and basically berated Wolf Blitzer for being, well, Wolf Blitzer. Why he isn't Bernie, I'll never know.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

I Knit, iPearl

What's the story, Morning Glory? Can't afford an iPhone? Just get your mom to knit you one! This is officially the coolest mom in the world. Unless you count mine. She wears sunglasses and a leather jacket. Just like the Fonz!

Saturday, July 07, 2007

A Lady Doesn't Wander All Over The Room



With apologies to Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry, this Saturday you've got to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?"

Lots of people do, for one simple reason. Saturday will be July 7, 2007, or 7-7-07. In numerological terms, that's about as big as it gets for the superstitious.

People are booking gambling junkets, casinos are offering "7"-themed promotions, and about three times the normal number of couples plan to get married that day, including Eva Longoria and basketball player boyfriend Tony Parker.

Nearly 100 couples will tie the knot atop roller coasters or inside revolving teacups at amusement parks at 7 that morning, a California yogi plans to achieve massive harmony through gong meditation at 7 that night, and Christians will gather in a Tennessee football stadium to pray on a day that has good Biblical implications for many.

Experts are quick to point out that Saturday is no more or less likely to be lucky than any other day. But try telling that to Allen Windrim, a 20-something entrepreneur from Philadelphia who owns a real estate management firm, a collection agency and a construction company.

"Hopefully I can get all my vacancies filled that day, all my collection cases settled without going to court, and get seven jobs for the construction company worth seventy-thousand each," he said.

"And then I'll take all that money and put it on Number Seven," he said. "I'm definitely in Atlantic City that day."

Casinos across the country are rolling heavy doses of sevens to attract superstitious gamblers, everything from $7 drink specials to luxury watches selling for $777. The Tropicana Casino and Resort in Atlantic City is offering a $7,777 package that includes a bi-level suite, two tickets to a show and the spa, and dining and shopping credits.

Craps players - among the most superstitious gamblers - have been buzzing for weeks about Lucky 7 Day, said Mario DiGuiseppe, the Tropicana's vice president of casino operations.

Asked if he believes in luck or superstition, DiGuiseppe responded with the certainty of one who knows that the odds always favor the house.

"I believe in math," he said with a chuckle.

Math is no obstacle for William Mobley of Philadelphia, who plans to be in Atlantic City on Saturday.

"I got a feeling about that day," he said. "I'll win over $700. Everything will go people's way that day. At least hopefully mine."

Gambles of a different sort will take couples down the aisle. Kathleen Murray, deputy editor of The Knot - - said 38,000 of the company's members are getting married that day, up from the normal 12,000 for a Saturday in July.

"This is a true phenomenon," she said. "I've never seen anything like this before. Seven has always been considered the luckiest number, and with three sevens in a row brides and grooms feel they're hitting the jackpot that day."

One of them is Jennifer Dybas, 27, of Channahom, Ill., whose fiancee, Jeff Michalek, 34, is a fanatical poker player. Their wedding theme: Lucky In Love.

"We're giving out instant lottery tickets as favors, and we have little chocolate poker chips with '777 - Lucky In Love' written on them," she said. "Our cake has dice on top and a roulette wheel on the bottom, and the king and queen of hearts on it."

"We got the last ballroom at the country club, the last DJ available at the place we went to, and the last photographer at the photo studio we wanted," she said. "So the luck is starting already."

Other brides chose the day for a more practical reason. "Some brides say their husbands will have no excuse to ever forget their anniversary this way," Murray said.

The Six Flags amusement park chain is hosting seven wedding receptions at 7 a.m. at each of its 12 U.S. facilities. They're calling the event "Thrilled Ever After."

The Ritz Carlton Hotel's Central Park location in New York is offering a July 7 wedding package with a reception for 77, a seven-tier wedding cake, seven Tiffany diamonds for the bride, and a seven-night honeymoon at any Ritz in the world for $77,777.

The day has big noncommercial potential as well. Harijiwan, a yoga instructor in Santa Monica, Calif., who uses only one name, plans a gong meditation course at 7 p.m.

"The numerology on this day - 7-7-07 - is phenomenal," he wrote on his Web site. "Seven represents the aura. Three sevens equals 21 (2+13). Three represents the positive mind. Add the 7 p.m. hour and you have four sevens, which equals 28 (2+810). Ten is the radiant body."

Christians will gather in the Nashville football stadium where the Tennessee Titans play to pray and fast on the 7th.

"The number is significant in the Bible because seven represents a covenant," said Julia Richardson, a spokeswoman for the event, titled The Call. "We feel we want to make a covenant with the Lord to pursue him. Whether it's 1,000 people or 100,000 people, we feel we can bring about a change through prayer and fasting."

Friday, July 06, 2007

Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella

Remember when Britney attacked a car with an umbrella and scared the crap out of half of the paparazzi and all of the neighbors in Los Angeles in the process? Well, she's sorry.

What the hell is this? If it's a joke I don't get it. And if it's serious, well, then I weep for her DNA. I know she's trying to explain her bizarre behavior, but the only thing this letter makes clear is that Britney Spears would fail a third grade spelling exam.

But wait! There's more! She went on to post a similar message on her website!

You'd think her second time around she'd catch her spelling mistakes or at least make sense, but you'd be wrong. My god, would you be wrong. Is she actually proud of her letter? If I was her I'd be denying I even wrote it, not posting it again on my official website. How are her managers letting this shit slide through? If you walked into their office right now I'm sure you'd see a monkey in a suit, jumping up and down on a desk and waving a banana around, and screaming at a puppy while it tries to answer the phone.