Band on the Run

Rusty, let's just bring in the accused, alright?

"Louie Louie, me gotta go.
Louie Louie, me gotta go.
A fine little girl, she wait for me.
Me catch the ship across the sea.
I sailed the ship all alone.
I never think I'll make it home.

Louie Louie, me gotta go.
Three nights and days we sailed the sea.
Me think of girl constantly.
On the ship, I dream she there.
I smell the rose in her hair.

Louie Louie, me gotta go.
Me see Jamaican moon above.
It won't be long me see me love.
Me take her in my arms and then I tell her I never leave again.
Louie Louie, me gotta go. "

Now, let's just put aside the fact that in 1965 the FBI determined -after years of investigation and millions of well-spent taxpayers' dollars- that the lyrics to Louie, Louie were indiscernible. J Edgar and the boys huddled over a turntable in their Fed-Cave, slowed the 7" single to 331/3 and strained to make out anything that might come close to violating the federal obscenity law... but they eventually had to admit defeat, and leave the Kingsmen alone.

And let's allow that no one really wants to see another gang of drunken frat guys pretending to be John Belushi in Animal House, numbly swinging half-empty bottles of Lucky Lager around while they all bellow different versions of Louie Louie into traffic, certain in their drunken haze that this... this is the way to win the hearts and loins of those Tri Pi sisters across the street.

We all rely on our marching bands. We look to them for the heartfelt, homespun heralding of happier times... we ask much of them, and they never let us down... but how much can we expect of them? How many songs do you expect your marching bands to learn? To practice? To know? Another One Bites the Dust? Absolutely. Tusk? Of course. We Will Rock You? They better! The theme to Star Wars? Damn skippy! And Louie Louie... these are all required learning for marching bands. Only when they've mastered these do they even consider moving on to the Mission Impossible theme and Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2. Thanks to their tireless, selfless efforts, we never have to "sail the ship all alone."

Attacking Louie Louie is a direct assault on our nation's marching bands. And an assault on our nations' marching bands -take heed, my friends- is an assault on the very fabric of our nation; a stain on those colors that never run. You know what that makes those who would ban Louie Louie from the marching band repertoire? Terrorists.

Terrorists too stupid to realize that they're fighting to ban something that isn't even happening! They think the lyrics to Louie Louie are obscene? That they shouldn't be a part of all-American events like watching their kids flatten each other on the football field, or yelling at each other in the stands during T-ball games? That's their prerogative... but it should be noted that the bands don't sing the songs... they play them poorly on rented instruments. No one is singing, so no one is hearing the "obscene" lyrics... and even if they were, no one can understand them anyway!

It well and truly is a world gone mad. Someone should sell tickets.