AC/DC T

Look! A Press release!

"This summer, the battle between the Autobots and Decepticons comes to Earth and you can show which side you’re on with Transformers the Movie light-up t-shirts from Thumbs Up!

Set to hit the shops a few weeks before the film’s launch in July, these new t-shirts feature logos from the Transformers film, including the iconic Autobot and Decepticon insignias, as well as characters like heroic Autobot leader, Optimus Prime, and the evil Megatron, head of the Decepticons.

Transformers t-shirts have been popular ever since the cartoon debuted back in the 1980s, but now a light-up panel brings these new t-shirts to illuminated life!

A small, lightweight battery pack powers five different flashing sequences to make sure that these t-shirts are sure to attract attention! Big summer movie t-shirts are always popular, but there’s never been a range like this before!

Since we hit the 21st century, we’re still all wondering where our jetpacks are, but these t-shirts are a true innovation from Thumbs Up which bring wearable interactive electronic style together with iconic logos and characters. They’re not just awesome, they’re a sign that the future is here!"

That's right, your friends at Thumbs Up have brought you electronic t-shirts. Stay tuned for medication-dispensing athletic supporters and breakfast cereal that complains about its morning while you eat it. Happy 21st century!

What Rough Beast

So by now you've all seen this:

Sure, it's viral marketing for The Dark Knight, and sure, it's just a campaign poster for the guy we know will eventually become Two-Face, but it's still encouraging, and there's something cosmically-balanced about watching that bastard who soulessly sold us cigarettes becoming that bastard who flips a coin to determine our fates, right?

Well, over the weekend, it seems someone hacked that site. The hacker encouraged vistors to register, and enter an X/Y coordinate that he'd email you almost immediately. Turned out, the coordinates were for a single pixel of the poster... so if enough people registered, a new picture would eventually be revealed....

It's too late to have a pixel removed in your name, but check the site out anyway....

Hope you guess his name.

UPDATE: I was told that the page was taken down... well, that's not quite true. Sure, it reads "page not found" now... but highlight that text, and drag down... and tell me what you see.

Oh, and since you can't see that pic now, here it is:

Two Words: Soup Sandwich

The oracle has spoken!

Britney Spears has posted a message on her official site, saying:

"The reason for this letter is to let everyone know that their prayers have truly helped me. I am so blessed that you care enough about me to be concerned and will continue to live in this brighter state with all of you by my side during this trying time. We are all lights of the world and we all need to continuously inspire others and look to the higher power. You are all in my prayers.

Godspeed.
Love, Britney"

I... I mean... what I'm asking... is she... I just... what the hell is she talking about here? And who is she addressing? The glowy, pray-y people? I'm surprised she didn't thank all the unicorns and invite everybody to the party she's throwing on the moon.

O (Captain) Cavemen, My (Captain) Cavemen

I'm ashamed to admit I thought this show was a bad idea.

Here's a clip of ABC's upcoming pilot for Cavemen. "I really like the Cavemen; I thought it was a great idea for a show," said an ABC moron while high on drugs.

Yup, it's based on that Geico commercial. And no, they didn't get the original actor who was really the only good part of those commercials.

ABC says: "Meet Joel, his younger brother Jamie, and his best friend Nick, three cavemen living in modern-day Atlanta. These cavemen continually find themselves at odds with contemporary society as they struggle to overcome their physical appearance and the accompanying stereotypes."

I say: The cavemen should do battle with their arch nemesis, the Noid, who wears a red suit and serves sub-par pizza. "At your door in 30 minutes; save the world."

Paris In The Hard Time

Paris Hilton's psychiatrist says she's "distraught and traumatized" and "fears incarceration" over her 45-day jail sentence, and is using that to get Paris out of testifying in a $10 million slander and libel suit against her by actress Zeta Graff.

"Hilton is facing an order to testify in the civil trial beginning May 21, but the psychiatrist argues that "given (Hilton's) current psychological, and emotional state ... (she's) not capable of any meaningful participation in a trial."

Can you imagine being Paris Hilton's psychiatrist? It doesn't even matter what Paris says, the psychiatrist would just spend the whole time nodding along going "Mmm hmm, mmm hmm" while scribbling "insane" and "More fiber" in their notebook and underlining it. If I was a psychiatrist (which I am) I'd rather have a psychiatrist-eating bear as a patient than have to listen to Paris talk about her problems all day.

Finally

“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.” ~Woody Allen

The Power Comic

So all day I was running into people who had to ask me how I felt about having comic books almost literally thrown in my face on the latest episode of Heroes.

At first, the question surprised me. The show is a comic book, after all, so what's the harm in a little meta-metaphor between friends? But then it became clear that quite a few of the people who asked what I thought of it were pretty pissed by what they saw as blatant product placement for the new Fantastic Four movie, featuring everybody's favorite, metallic, nude interstellar grimmy, the Silver Surfer.

Me? I don't see it that way at all.

First if all, the show does nothing but pay loving homage to our beloved comic books, and their most revered plots. Linderman's plan to save the world? Right out of Watchmen. Hiro's time traveling adventures? Lifted straight from "Days of the Future Past," a classic Claremont X-Men story. Lots of fans accuse Heroes of exploiting the comics... me, I say the show's creators are dyed-in-the-wool comic book fans rather than wolves in sheep’s clothing.

In the scene everyone kept hounding me about, shape-shifting Candice Wilmer buys macine-washable Micah a huge stack of classic comic books. Silver Surfer #1 is the one Micah goes for, and displays with awe, and if I may say, not nearly enough care. I didn't see it as crass or cheap, but rather as the perfect parallel to Candice herself.

When Micah asks how someone like her could work for someone like Linderman, her belief in Linderman reveals her to be a lot like the Silver Surfer - a noble soul who believes in the fight for a greater good, employed by a monsterous being. Now, we have yet to see if she chooses a path other than the one Linderman set her on... or if she'll epoxy a surf board to her feet and dangle participles every time she speaks, but their fundamental similarities can't be denied.

And if you still aren’t convinced this isn’t more than coincidence, note that Linderman’s building is in Kirby Plaza. Obviously a reference to Jack “The King” Kirby, frequent artistic collaborator and co-plotter with Stan “The Man” Lee.

Among the King's credits with Stan are the Fantastic Four, the original X-Men, the Incredible Hulk, and... wait for it... the Silver Surfer.

So to you fanboys who whine about Heroes not respecting the comics, or not understanding them like you do, I say this: get back in your basement, and get back to bidding on that Magic card on ebay... and try not to speak. And to Tim Kring, Jeph Loeb and the other Heroes masterminds, I have only this to say: Excelsior!

Han Solo Tiglo Semi-Sweet!

Instructables has a tutorial on how to make your own Han Solo in carbonite chocolate bar. Basically you make a mold out of a Star Wars toy and fill it with chocolate. Slightly better than my idea, which was to kidnap Harrison Ford and throw him in a vat of chocolate. Well, maybe not better... but Harrison seems to prefer this method. Wuss.

Kayfabe

I bet all you people who thought professional wrestling was fake are feeling pretty stupid right about now.

Tanned And Popular

Change? Not For You! Not For Anyone!

Yeah, so you think you've seen all the Transformers guys by now, but have you seen them in high resolution? I didn't think so.

I don't really know very much about the Transformers, but at a glance I have to guess this guy above is probably one of the worst, and is probably frequently subjected to whatever the robot equivalent of a wedgie is.

Ottoman Empire

The Epsilon table is a coffee table which doubles as a fireplace. And yeah, it's every bit as dangerous as it looks. Unless a coffee table which occasionally shoots fire out the top doesn't sound dangerous to you. In which case my spinning saw blade chair is perfect for you. You sit on it and spinning saw blades, well, cut you in half. Inventor of the year!

Have You Ever Seen A Dream Walkin'?

A spy (in the loosest sense of the term) for IESB shot some footage from the set of Iron Man, giving anxious viewers the first glimpse of how the superhero will go from prone to upright, apparently shooting a scene where Iron Man has been knocked to the ground.. or awakes from a nap. Play it for a friend, and when it's time say, "I'm Iron Man! I've fallen... and I can't get up!" alluding to a fifteen-year-old commercial, you'll finally be known as your circle's "funny friend."

The footage is here, but look out, it took me a few minutes of reloading to get it to work.

Great Moments In Comic Book History

I could write a Doctoral thesis on all of the things that are wrong with this page.


The saddest part? Superman found a lot of uses for his "super-ventriloquism" back in the day.


That's right. "Super-weaving." So?


You know, where I come from that's called "regular mathematics."
Oh, and incidentally 20x16x10 = 3,200, not 32,000.


Okay, this one might be a little silly.

Heroes Worship

Obsessed fans of NBC's hit Heroes have a new way to obsess, as Entertainment Weekly just released their set of five Heroes covers for you to run out and buy. Each variant contains clues to the final episodes of the season, allowing you to deductively spoil one of the few pleasures in your miserable life. Each week, EW will continue to update the images with annotations to explain how the clues fit in, filling you with a false sense of personal pride in your new understanding of said clues.

What have we come to as a society when we're studying magazine covers for hours just to scrape up some evidence that will give a hint of what's coming in a television show? I'll tell you as soon as I'm done watching last night's Lost in reverse, then frame-by-frame, just in case there's a hidden message somewhere about the new, improved Pop Tarts hitting stores in June.

Anyway, you know you wanna' see the other four covers, so here.

Hangover Hilton

Praise jesus and pass the ammo! A Los Angeles County Superior Court judge has sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in LA County jail for violating her probation! Her sentence will start on June 5, and the judge made sure she wouldn't be allowed on work release, furloughs, use of an alteranitve jail, or electronic monitoring instead of jail. Moments before the judge gave his decision, Paris was crying and told the court:

"I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry." The judge called out her rep Elliot Mintz in court, describing his testimony as "completely worthless." He also told Paris that he did not believe that she was unaware of her license suspension, adding that she had paperwork in her car stating that her license was suspended.

This judge is a fucking hero. I mean, yeah, I once saw him save a group of homeless orphans when he killed a bear with his bare hands. And then this other time I saw him run into a burning building to save a box of sick kittens. Oh, and there was that time he donated all of his bone marrow to build an arc for a small group of very confused Cockapoos... but really, this Paris thing is probably the most heroic thing he's ever done. They should give him a cape. And also this card I made for him. I wrote his name in curly letters and drew hearts all around the margin. We heart you, Mr. Judge!

Spider-Man 3, Fans 2

So we saw Spider-Man 3 this weekend... and it pretty much sucked.

Don't get me wrong: there are moments of action throughout that are surprising, well-designed and well-animated. But the movie is stitched together on the flimsiest coincidences imaginable, a disappointing quilt of indifferent exposition, and on a script level, it makes so many frustrating leaps that it ultimately collapses, and bored most of the 7-year olds with whom we shared the crowded theater.

We sat down... the lights dimmed... and Mary Jane... started... singing. Badly. The entire movie just kinda' starts without the faint hint of a promise that you’re in for a good time. Whatever the opposite of that is... it starts with that. You know what it was? It was that feeling you get when you step into an elevator that's already occupied.

And yet... there are things that happen that make you forget that, or any script problems you’re having. Take the Sandman’s birth. It’s a haunting sequence, beautiful and emotional and an example of digital performance at its finest. The way this pile of sand tries to pull itself together, as if remembering what it was like to be human, determined to be like that again... this whole character thing plays out in silence, and it’s riveting. This is Sam Raimi at his most engaged; totally committed to the material.

Oh, and there is indeed an epic Bruce Campbell appearance.

Pretty soon, though, the contrivances start piling on. A symbiote-carrying meteor crashes to earth right near where Peter and MJ are gazing at the stars. An escaped con, Flint Marko, just happens to fall into a scientific testing facility while fleeing the police and becomes the Sandman when his molecules are bonded with the sand around him. This didn’t really bother me though. These are the types of contrivances that comics are made of. Lab accidents, twists of fate, unexpected turns that result in major challenges for our hero. But there is a difference between contrivance and downright sloppy. Contrivances I can forgive if it serves as an homage or is somewhat faithful to the source material (which the above contrivances were). But sloppy storytelling is sloppy storytelling any way you slice it. There were scenes in this film so sloppy that you needed a bib and a wet nap to make it to the next musical sequence. That's right: the musical sequences were veritable oasises from the rest of the film. What does that tell you?

Sloppy editing: At the very beginning, Peter sees Harry leaving the Broadway show MJ is performing in and has words with his former best friend. End scene, and somehow Peter is now backstage with MJ. And where did that black suit come from? Were they trying to say the symbiote tyook the form of a black suit and then happily waited in a suitcase? Did it bond with Peter, then force him to make a new, black suit... which seems like such a waste of symbiote/super hero bonding... there's gotta' be a better way for a new species to spend its nights.

Sloppy sound: The music sequence between Emo Pete and Harry in his mansion is cartoony and lacked any of the punch of the rest of music for the fight scenes in the film. And while we bemoan the loss of Danny Elfman, let's ackowledge the fact that the new score was lifted almost entirely from the X-Men films.

Sloppy storytelling: Harry shows up in the third act sporting a scar when the audience wasn’t even made privy to the fact that he survived the earlier confrontation. I know this because the fat guy behind us kept shouting "He's still alive?" to his girlfriend well into the following scene... and maybe into the credits. I don't really know... it's really all a blur to me now.

Sloppy effects: Even the CGI fights between Harry and Spidey were often blurry or moved so quickly that you didn’t know what the hell was going on.

Sloppy ending: The film just kind of ends, as if Raimi and Co. knew they had no idea how to wrap everything up and broke camp as soon as possible without a cool effects shot of Spidey swinging through the streets of NY or anything. And don't be fooled: the film does end with everyone essentially hugging it out.

And finally, the unforgivable: Don’t get me started on 3rd Act Expository Deus Ex Machina Butler, Aunt May showing up juuuuust at the right moment to give Peter advice, the arrival of a sentient alien organism that not even the franchise's resident scientist (Dr. Curt Connors; back again and still not turning into a lizard) can muster any real interest in beyond "Don't touch that, you don't know where it's been," and the fact that the entire cast cries so much in this one that it should really have been titled Steel Magnolias 3: Still Steely After All These Years.

Sitting through it, I couldn't help think it'd have been a great film if it had just been either of the films that got slapped together. A Peter/Harry/Sandman film could have been a terriffic take on responsibility and love. A Peter/MJ/Venom film could have taught us all we need to know about our dark sides, and the great responsibility just living day to day brings. Instead we got both themes, painfully conjoined, and a message so mixed I don't think the windtalker sitting next to us got it.

There was so much promise... promise I sat there and watched them squander. Instead of highlighting Emo Pete, why not show how powerful the suit made him? The wrong scenes (like the Jazz Club sequence) go on way too long and the right scenes are rushed through. Peter says he’s become more powerful, but we never really see it on screen. I understand shortcuts have to be made to make a film; especially an adaptation of a monthly comic book, but why undermine the relevance of the symbiote’s bonding to Peter? Why not extend that scene to have Peter try a few times to get the suit off, only to find it back on him. Why not clue MJ in on the fact that the suit is bringing out the dark side of his character. That builds something called suspense. Raimi’s familiar with it. I just saw A Simple Plan again the other night on cable. He gets it. Showing how the suit was hard to get off a few times; highlighting the strong bond it formed with Peter would have highlighted the more horrific aspects of the suit and made the danger more palpable. Remember horror, Raimi? You used to do it pretty well.. and I’m not talking about the horror of seeing Tobey McGuire dance. Instead we get Peter, the night seamstress. What? He sewed that spiffy black suit in his sleep?

And come on! Does Peter have a secret identity or not? Dude never wears his friggin' mask in this film. Drove me batshit crazy (as Nancy so eloquently puts it).

What pisses me off the most about this film is that a ga-jillion people will be seeing it. This is what people think a comic book is like. People will notice the sloppiness and shallow characters and crappy continuity and plot, and shrug their shoulders and say “Well, it is a comic book movie.” And that pisses me off. I’ve read comic books since I was eight years old. And during that time, Spidey has always been in my pull, so I guess I qualify as some type of aficionado. Although Marvel’s current line of Spidey comics are pretty darn awful these days (oh, and yes, he's back in black in the comics... coincidence?), Spider-Man has been the star of some of the richest and best-told stories in comics history. I understand that the Cliff Notes version of a comic book story has to be used to fit it all into a nice two-hour package. But this movie plays like the Cliff Notes version of Spider-Man stories rewritten by the cast of The Other Sister.

Maybe it was because Avi Arad forced Raimi to use Venom after Sam admitted that he did not like the character. Maybe it was because the stars were starting to feel as if the films were beneath them. Or maybe it was because the script was the weakest of the series. Whatever it was, the heart that was there in the first film and grew to epic proportions in the second was never present here. Even the best parts of this film weren’t as good as the worst parts of the other two.

I don't know. I only know I'm sad, and disappointed in this film... and disappointed in an audience who cheered for it, and only guarantees us more of the same. I used to think that was less than we deserved. After this weekend, and listening to that fat guy call Mary Jane a whore... I'm not so sure.

Board Silly

There's just no way the new Fantastic Four film doesn't suck, but the news? It never stops coming... that's what makes it news.

Laurence Fishburne, first rumored to be voicing the giant cloud of Galactus in Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, will reportedly instead be providing the voice of the Silver Surfer. He actor beat out James Earl Jones, Sisko from Deep Space Nine, and Worf, Fishburne's biggest rivals in the "black guy with cool, deep voice category". I like to imagine it came down to bare-knuckles backgammon in Worf's basement/rumpus room.

The role as the Surfer will compete directly against Pill-Choice-Guy in The Matrix for the honor of what Larry will be sitting at a comic convention autographing pictures of in ten years.

The Space Needle's Such A Nice Guy

He Claims To Have A Message For Obi Wan Kenobi

I can't believe it's taken this long.

It's about time somebody started reenacting classic Star Wars scenes using those R2-D2 mailboxes. I tried to do a few myself, but I mostly just ended up peeing in them.

Point And Click Language

Machines

of

loving

grace.

If Discovered, Eat This Message

You know, most people like to use paper for their printing needs, and there's a word for them: morons. Me, I like to use toast. Good old fashioned toast. Thankfully, these guys have created the world's first toaster printer by mounting a hot air gun to a computer controlled system. Totally unnecessary? Or the most necessary thing ever since the history of inventions. Only time will tell.

The Only Thing That There's Just Too Little Of

The ever-beguiling Hugh Grant was arrested recently after a photographer accused him of attacking him with a container of baked beans. The photographer says Grant kicked him and verbally abused him before throwing the beans at him.

"The Metropolitan Police don't identify suspects who haven't been charged, but said a 46-year-old man was arrested Wednesday night on suspicion of assault and released on bail. No charges have been filed, police said."

That's not an attack. An attack is getting punched in the throat by some crazy guy wielding nunchucks. No, this guy got free beans. Last I checked, an offering of free beans meant peace. See that expression on Hugh Grant's face? It says: "Here, have some free beans. Let's be friends." No wonder the world is such a mess. What the world needs now are more Hugh Grants... and at least one more Burt Bacharach.

What Hath God Wrought?

You know, I just want real life to be a little more like this:



"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever." ~Woody Allen

In The Land Of The Giants

We saw In The Land of Women tonight. Sure we saw it 'cause one of us (Nancy) has a raging crush on Adam Brody, but it turns out it was a pretty good movie... though I still can't figure out why Adam's character was so eager to date the Joker. Seriously, he'll never call, and you can pretty much assume he'll never use a coaster.

While we were buying tickets though, I saw this:

Have y'all seen the new Ocean's Thirteen poster? It's almost exactly the same as the old Ocean's Thirteen poster, except not so red, and much more white. I realized, standing there, that if purchased and spread out on a living room floor, it provides the perfect opportunity to pretend you've been enlarged by radiation and are now rampaging through a posh celebrity casino. When the handsome stars are crushed, move on to seducing their tiny celebrity girlfriends. An issue of Us Magazine works for this part.

The Next Big Thing: Tokyo Police Club

If you were to throw David Bowie, Joy Division, The Arcade Fire, and two llamas into a blender, you'd have one hell of a mess. Luckily, Tokyo Police Club is now 50% more absorbent, and here to help you clean up! Colored raucous and delicious, and outlined with a lyrical sound resonating in Thurston Moore and the same musical concoction bands like Sonic Youth, Built to Spill and Pavement reeled in many moons ago, the boys are more than adorable; they have an... interesting new sound to offer. They’ve taken all the good bits from indie rock in the past decade and put their individual spin on things. I, for one, am glad to be interested again.

Spider, Mammon.

As the release date for Spider-Man 3 grows nearer and nearer, talks of the exorbitant cost of the film have started to turn up, and now industry (should that be capitalized, I wonder?) are saying the film may have cost over $300 million on production alone, making it the most expensive movie ever made (not counting the cost to society, which makes Deuce Bigelow 2 the most expensive). What's more, they say advertising and franchise rights for "Venom Stands" may push the total cost of production closer to $500 million. Dollars. $500 million dollars. Execs and producers worry this could become the norm, making a $200 million picture the standard, drawing funds from other projects. On the plus side, it means my as-yet-undeveloped script, Static Shot of Man Burning One Billion Dollars in Small, Controlled Fire, is that much closer to production.

Rise, Lord Vader

These Star Wars fans created a hot air balloon replica of Darth Vader's head.

Here, read that again:

These Star Wars fans created a hot air balloon replica of Darth Vader's head.

I don't want to exaggerate or anything, but I think it's safe to say this is the greatest hot air balloon ever made. Ever. In the history of time.

What Does A Phoenix Order?

Harry Potter isn't my thing. I generally steer clear of any phenomenon everyone else embraces. Forrest Gump, Harry Potter... the electoral process. Still, I've spent a lot of time defending the Harry Potter books (I used to run a bookstore at a Free Methodist university, where our customers -who didn't mind seeing books like Nigger and Naked Lunch on the shelves- couldn't abide seeing the evil of Harry Potter & the Soreceror's Stone or The Vagina Monologues on hold behind the registers, for people who'd special ordered them for themselves), and I have pals who love them (and the movies which are desperately racing the stars' post-pubescences to the finish line), so here's the latest trailer for the latest installment... Harry Potter & The Not-So-Motivated Amway Salesman. Or something.



Sure, it'll send your Bible study group into a tizzy with its glamorized portrait of pagan witchcraft as a rollicking adventure, but that's most of the fun, right? They may even question your devotion to the church when they see how excited you are by the black arts. Calm them by reminding them that a crucifix is just a magic wand with a little dead guy hanging off.

Bourne To Be Wild

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the first two Bourne films. I'm no kind of Matt Damon fan (and no, it isn't because I'm petty and jealous of his "Best Screenplay" Oscar! Get off my back!), but damn if those films weren't just a rockin' good time. Well, here's the trailer for the latest (and if the English language tells us anything, likely last) film in the series:



In the new trailer for The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon presents those who stole his past and identity with a final ultimatum: "I, Jason Bourne, will repeatedly kick and punch your henchmen. Then, as I've been known to in previous Bourne outings, I will give you a mocking phone call when I'm right outside your headquarters. You will respond with shock and dismay. If you do not, I will continue to call until you do."

Apocalypse And A Smile

They just released a bunch of posters for 28 Weeks Later ( the sequel to the best pseudo-zombie movie of the early 21st century, 28 Days Later). Here's my favorite:

The poster has an old propaganda-style look to it... but be careful, because there's another type of poster that has an old propaganda look to it: actual propaganda. And before you know it you're a communist.

It would also be a good Coke ad if changed to "Maintain the Quarantine... of Refreshing Taste!"

Now They'll Stop Kicking Sand In Your Face!

Ever wondered how to rip a telephone book in half? No? Well too bad, because you're learning anyway!



Oh, and the best part of this exercise? There was a time when this would have seemed incredibly wasteful. Now all I can think is "Who uses phone books for anything else anymore?"

Homer Sapien

Johnny? Be Good.

How the "Never-all-that-mighty-but-briefly-ubiquitous" have fallen. Or at least slouched.

John Travolta is getting senile in his old age and says he's as big a star as Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe, but didn't die like them because of his values and religion. He says:

"I have fame on the level of a Marilyn Monroe or an Elvis, but part of the reason I didn't go the way they did was because of my beliefs. People make judgments about it [Scientology], but often they don't know what they're talking about. I would advise anyone who wants to know about it to read up on it. We [the Church of Scientology] are only getting bigger and we help people all over the world, from disaster zones to drug rehabilitation. We were having a problem in Germany [where some critics called Scientology a money-making entity rather than a religion]. I talked to [former president Bill] Clinton who talked to Chancellor Kohl and things have improved since then."

John Travolta believing in anything is the exact reason why I don't. On my list of most horrifying things, becoming John Travolta is number one. I wear a bracelet that reads WWJTD, and whenever I'm about to do something I think, "Would John Travolta do this?" And if he would, I do the exact opposite. Which works well for things like believing in Scientology, but I haven't had a cup of water in over eight years. I think it's worth it.

Knight Of The Phoenix

Toxic

I admit I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed... but do I detect a hint of sarcasm? Maybe just a smidgen? I know this is Britney trying to be clever and all, but she just comes off sounding like an idiot. Being clever only works if you have a brain, and not a faded cartoon drawing of a turtle where your brain should be. Do you know how I know? Because I'm a scientist.

I Can't Understand A Word The Liquor Says

At long last, Tony Millionaire's Maakies comic is coming to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim as The Drinky Crow Show on May 13th! Check out the intro with theme music by They Might Be Giants and the clip below! Watch and remind yourself that drinking is cute, not a problem, no matter what your family says. Whiskey understands you better than they ever will.

Good With Figures

Why Should We Even Care?

A shot has emerged of one of the Iron Man suits from the upcoming movie based on the comic. This is the armored suit first constructed by Tony Stark to escape while being held as a POW, making me wonder why John McCain was held so long. You think you can be president when you can't even build an Iron Man suit out of spare weapon parts while being held captive? What the hell, McCain?

Baby, Remember My Name

You didn't want to do any work today anyway.

Who's House? Dolls' House!

Sure, some of you are counting the days to Spider-Man 3, and while Transformers may be the big blockbuster toyline-turned-movie this year, there's a sassier, brattier group of us eagerly awaiting another entry in this category. That's right, I'm talkin' 'bout Bratz.

In this first poster for the live-action adaptation, we see Shifty Brat, Suspicious Brat, Dead Eyes Brat, and Winksy Brat (may not be actual Brat names) doin' their thang. Right on, grrlz!

Stardust Memory

THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED
FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD
WAS MUSIC

"Still and all, why bother? Here's my answer. Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone."
~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 11/11/22-4/11/07

Pinkerton Agency

In case you don't already know: click on the images to embiggen them.

And, in case you didn't know this either: Jay Pinkerton is god.

Call It Heavy Metal

You know, for every Spider-Man 2 and Superman Returns you've gotta' wade throough ten or twelve comic book movies like... well, like this:

Warner Brothers and X-Men producer Lauren Schuler Donner have plans to bring Metal Men, to the screen. As I'm sure you already know, robots invented by Dr. William Magnus, the Metal Men each possess the characteristics and interpreted personalities of separate metals, such as stretchy leader Gold, strongman Iron, insecure Tin, and infant brain-damaging Lead.

You'd think they'd at least work through some of the C-level comic heroes -Blue Beetle or someone at least- before getting to the D-List like these guys, but I'm fine with it as long as Shaq is involved. When you need a big metal superhero, a big stupid genie, or just an idiotic signature grin, Shaq is always the answer.

Easter Parade

Evil Genius

The SnuzNLuz alarm clock connects to your online bank account via WiFi and donates your real money to an organization you hate every time you push the snooze button. I can't figure out if it's pure genius or pure evil. Or both. Although judging by my own sleeping habits, within a year I'll have fully funded some sort of kitten killing organization.

UPDATE: Yes, I know... quit sending me emails.

Accident Report

So, the legend goes this guy was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

Drawing A Complete Blank

Grosse Pointe Blank is easily one of my top ten films... and not just because I have an inappropriate crush on John Cusack. So imagine my excitement when I stumbled across this.

Now, I know what many of you are saying. "Chris," you're saying, "you really have to stop hanging out in my front yard... it's getting creepy." But look, setting your selfish needs for privacy and personal space aside for the moment, can't we just agree that this really is the sequel to Grosse Pointe Blank that we've all been waiting for?

Let's face it, Grosse Pointe Blank was really an alternate reality sequel to Say Anything. One in which Lloyd/Martin never gets back together with Diane/Debbie after she gives him the pen. Instead, he freaks out, joins the army and becomes a professional killer. That's what he does.

The clues are all over the place. First, Lloyd's dinner conversarion during Say Anything with Mr. Cort. Remember, Lloyd's father is a colonel in the army. Wants him to join. But he'd rather kickbox. Tell me that training didn't pay off in Martin/Lloyd's hallway fight with the former KGB assassin in Grosse Pointe Blank.

And speaking of that fight, odd how quickly he thought of a pen as a death-blow-delivering device, isn't it? Painful memories associated with that writing implement... a poison pen that he incinerates, right along with his past.

His old teacher in Grosse Pointe Blank is amazed that he went nowhere with all the potential he had, but we knew from Say Anything that what he lacked was direction... a purpose in life. Diane gave it to him, but without her it's easy to see how he would've ended up doing what his father wanted him to do and how he would be open to the sort of epiphany of meaninglessness Martin experiences on the oil fields (especially as hurt and embittered as he was after Diane dumped him).

It even makes sense that Martin/Lloyd would hire a woman -the only woman he would let himself trust- who reminded him so much of his sister.

Yeah, it's a whole Donnie Darko-esque alternate reality for Lloyd that hinges on Diane's dad not going to jail. After all, she didn't realize she needed Lloyd until her father was arrested.

Don't believe me? Watch Say Anything up until the phone call Lloyd makes to his sister in the rain. Stop the movie after he says "I gave her my heart... she gave me a pen." Now put in Grosse Pointe Blank. It's almost seamless (right down to Jeremy Piven's character being essentially the same guy).

So there's no reason this new one couldn't be yet another alternate reality sequel to Grosse Pointe Blank... a sort of "What if?" Martin had gone through with the hit on Debbie's dad.

What do you do, Martin?

All That Junk

Scaley!

You know, the T Rex is a little disappointing....

So, Universcale is a cool little flash app that displays the scale of everything in the Universe (or at least a lot of things in the Universe) and gives you a scale that puts them all in perspective. You can see how a single proton compares to a rabbit or how a rabbit compares to the Eiffel Tower or how the Eiffel Tower compares to a planet. I just wish they had an option to put in your own items, because I'm curious how my enormous biceps would measure up.

Hamilton's Hotties?

Hats off to Zorro!

According to TMZ, The Price is Right might get a little oranger!

With current PiR host Bob Barker preparing to either retire or die, CBS execs are looking for a replacement to continue the tradition of entertaining the sick and unemployed, and reportedly think George Hamilton is "wonderfully charming" for the part. The change means very little, as The Price is Right audience is composed almost entirely of the elderly, who are too blind/deaf to notice the change, or college kids who are too stoned to care.

Nicoteenage Daydream