Spider-Man 3, Fans 2

So we saw Spider-Man 3 this weekend... and it pretty much sucked.

Don't get me wrong: there are moments of action throughout that are surprising, well-designed and well-animated. But the movie is stitched together on the flimsiest coincidences imaginable, a disappointing quilt of indifferent exposition, and on a script level, it makes so many frustrating leaps that it ultimately collapses, and bored most of the 7-year olds with whom we shared the crowded theater.

We sat down... the lights dimmed... and Mary Jane... started... singing. Badly. The entire movie just kinda' starts without the faint hint of a promise that you’re in for a good time. Whatever the opposite of that is... it starts with that. You know what it was? It was that feeling you get when you step into an elevator that's already occupied.

And yet... there are things that happen that make you forget that, or any script problems you’re having. Take the Sandman’s birth. It’s a haunting sequence, beautiful and emotional and an example of digital performance at its finest. The way this pile of sand tries to pull itself together, as if remembering what it was like to be human, determined to be like that again... this whole character thing plays out in silence, and it’s riveting. This is Sam Raimi at his most engaged; totally committed to the material.

Oh, and there is indeed an epic Bruce Campbell appearance.

Pretty soon, though, the contrivances start piling on. A symbiote-carrying meteor crashes to earth right near where Peter and MJ are gazing at the stars. An escaped con, Flint Marko, just happens to fall into a scientific testing facility while fleeing the police and becomes the Sandman when his molecules are bonded with the sand around him. This didn’t really bother me though. These are the types of contrivances that comics are made of. Lab accidents, twists of fate, unexpected turns that result in major challenges for our hero. But there is a difference between contrivance and downright sloppy. Contrivances I can forgive if it serves as an homage or is somewhat faithful to the source material (which the above contrivances were). But sloppy storytelling is sloppy storytelling any way you slice it. There were scenes in this film so sloppy that you needed a bib and a wet nap to make it to the next musical sequence. That's right: the musical sequences were veritable oasises from the rest of the film. What does that tell you?

Sloppy editing: At the very beginning, Peter sees Harry leaving the Broadway show MJ is performing in and has words with his former best friend. End scene, and somehow Peter is now backstage with MJ. And where did that black suit come from? Were they trying to say the symbiote tyook the form of a black suit and then happily waited in a suitcase? Did it bond with Peter, then force him to make a new, black suit... which seems like such a waste of symbiote/super hero bonding... there's gotta' be a better way for a new species to spend its nights.

Sloppy sound: The music sequence between Emo Pete and Harry in his mansion is cartoony and lacked any of the punch of the rest of music for the fight scenes in the film. And while we bemoan the loss of Danny Elfman, let's ackowledge the fact that the new score was lifted almost entirely from the X-Men films.

Sloppy storytelling: Harry shows up in the third act sporting a scar when the audience wasn’t even made privy to the fact that he survived the earlier confrontation. I know this because the fat guy behind us kept shouting "He's still alive?" to his girlfriend well into the following scene... and maybe into the credits. I don't really know... it's really all a blur to me now.

Sloppy effects: Even the CGI fights between Harry and Spidey were often blurry or moved so quickly that you didn’t know what the hell was going on.

Sloppy ending: The film just kind of ends, as if Raimi and Co. knew they had no idea how to wrap everything up and broke camp as soon as possible without a cool effects shot of Spidey swinging through the streets of NY or anything. And don't be fooled: the film does end with everyone essentially hugging it out.

And finally, the unforgivable: Don’t get me started on 3rd Act Expository Deus Ex Machina Butler, Aunt May showing up juuuuust at the right moment to give Peter advice, the arrival of a sentient alien organism that not even the franchise's resident scientist (Dr. Curt Connors; back again and still not turning into a lizard) can muster any real interest in beyond "Don't touch that, you don't know where it's been," and the fact that the entire cast cries so much in this one that it should really have been titled Steel Magnolias 3: Still Steely After All These Years.

Sitting through it, I couldn't help think it'd have been a great film if it had just been either of the films that got slapped together. A Peter/Harry/Sandman film could have been a terriffic take on responsibility and love. A Peter/MJ/Venom film could have taught us all we need to know about our dark sides, and the great responsibility just living day to day brings. Instead we got both themes, painfully conjoined, and a message so mixed I don't think the windtalker sitting next to us got it.

There was so much promise... promise I sat there and watched them squander. Instead of highlighting Emo Pete, why not show how powerful the suit made him? The wrong scenes (like the Jazz Club sequence) go on way too long and the right scenes are rushed through. Peter says he’s become more powerful, but we never really see it on screen. I understand shortcuts have to be made to make a film; especially an adaptation of a monthly comic book, but why undermine the relevance of the symbiote’s bonding to Peter? Why not extend that scene to have Peter try a few times to get the suit off, only to find it back on him. Why not clue MJ in on the fact that the suit is bringing out the dark side of his character. That builds something called suspense. Raimi’s familiar with it. I just saw A Simple Plan again the other night on cable. He gets it. Showing how the suit was hard to get off a few times; highlighting the strong bond it formed with Peter would have highlighted the more horrific aspects of the suit and made the danger more palpable. Remember horror, Raimi? You used to do it pretty well.. and I’m not talking about the horror of seeing Tobey McGuire dance. Instead we get Peter, the night seamstress. What? He sewed that spiffy black suit in his sleep?

And come on! Does Peter have a secret identity or not? Dude never wears his friggin' mask in this film. Drove me batshit crazy (as Nancy so eloquently puts it).

What pisses me off the most about this film is that a ga-jillion people will be seeing it. This is what people think a comic book is like. People will notice the sloppiness and shallow characters and crappy continuity and plot, and shrug their shoulders and say “Well, it is a comic book movie.” And that pisses me off. I’ve read comic books since I was eight years old. And during that time, Spidey has always been in my pull, so I guess I qualify as some type of aficionado. Although Marvel’s current line of Spidey comics are pretty darn awful these days (oh, and yes, he's back in black in the comics... coincidence?), Spider-Man has been the star of some of the richest and best-told stories in comics history. I understand that the Cliff Notes version of a comic book story has to be used to fit it all into a nice two-hour package. But this movie plays like the Cliff Notes version of Spider-Man stories rewritten by the cast of The Other Sister.

Maybe it was because Avi Arad forced Raimi to use Venom after Sam admitted that he did not like the character. Maybe it was because the stars were starting to feel as if the films were beneath them. Or maybe it was because the script was the weakest of the series. Whatever it was, the heart that was there in the first film and grew to epic proportions in the second was never present here. Even the best parts of this film weren’t as good as the worst parts of the other two.

I don't know. I only know I'm sad, and disappointed in this film... and disappointed in an audience who cheered for it, and only guarantees us more of the same. I used to think that was less than we deserved. After this weekend, and listening to that fat guy call Mary Jane a whore... I'm not so sure.