Barking Mad

I go golfing one day a year. And yes, I'm about as good as you'd expect a fella to be who golfs one day a year, thanks. But that day? Each year? There's always some big, overwrought news item that's been a long time coming, and I wind-up 12 hours behind the news cycle 'cause I spent the day fishing golf balls out of ponds.

Today? Today Larry King tells me that Britney lost custody of her kids. So here's the question: you’ve just lost your kids because the legal community and society pretty much agree that you’re a terrible mother, what do you do? Go tanning, silly! And that’s exactly what Britney Spears did. The Daily Mail reports:

"It was business as usual for troubled Britney and the first stop on the
singer's agenda - after surrendering her boys Sean Preston, two, and
one-year-old Jayden James to their father Kevin's bodyguard - was a visit to
Epitome, her favourite Bel Air tanning salon. Afterwards she checked in to the
Peninsula Hotel. But, as she made her way inside, two photographers got into a
fight - which seemed to amuse the giggling singer no end."

But it wasn’t all fake-baking and giggles. Oh no. Britney finally hit up the DMV to get her Louisiana license transferred to California:

"Then, Britney paid a visit to the Department of Motor Vehicles office in
Van Nuys, California, where she finally applied for a driving licence and took a
written test. Last Friday, Commissioner Gordon banned both Spears and Federline
from driving the children unless they had a valid California driver's licence.
But on the weekend, Britney was allegedly seen driving her two children around
LA without a valid licence."

Some mothers might, I dunno, be a bit shocked and furious that their kids are being taken away. Not our Britney. The day before all this, she probably sat at home, surrounded by Whoppers, thinking aloud “Wow, I hope that Kevin Federline gets those kids away from that awful girl.” Then someone would point out to Britney that she is that awful girl. She’d look kinda' confused for a minute, then say “Oh well, I still have my tanning appointment tomorrow, right? Because, seriously, if I start losing my color then I’ll kill myself. Wait, did y’all just say I have kids? Holy crap, nevermind, this Whopper has extra pickles! Yay!”