Lapdance On A Volcano

The somehow-respectable-by-comparison Kevin Federline has remained quiet about the details of his divorce with Britney Spears, but he has opened up to his girlfriend Nicole Narain. Like a caring significant other, Nicole shared the details of Kevin’s personal life with News of the World - along with a few glamour shots and the name of her agent.

On Britney’s mental state: “Her mood swings are now so wild that I live in fear of getting a call telling me that she has killed herself. I can't allow her to have custody because I seriously believe she could harm our sons. I've shared her life and I know she's capable of anything with pills and a few drinks inside her."

On Britney’s drinking: "I'd see her walking around the house guzzling vodka and Coke and looking very tipsy. Then a few moments later, I saw her pick up Jayden and start breast-feeding him. That sent me up the wall. I yelled at her, ‘If you really wanna drink then make sure the baby gets bottled milk, not yours.'”

On what led to the divorce: “I only found out when I heard it as a news item on the radio. I felt she was just trying to teach me a lesson for telling her off about the breast-feeding incident. But when I called she kicked off another row and screamed, ‘You're nothing without me'.”

On Britney’s parenting: “During the last few months I'd started picking her up on her parenting skills. She'd leave the kids near the pool unsupervised or drive around without belting them in. She always insisted what she was doing was right. There was no getting through to her.”

On Britney's bi-curious pass at Nicole: “I was doing my make-up and I could feel someone staring at me. It was Britney, in a green dress and looking a bit spaced-out. She looked at me in a provocative way... I thought she was hoping to get me closer to her. When I told Kevin he nodded and said, ‘Knowing her, she probably was'.”

I don’t think there’s anything Britney Spears could do at this point that would faze me. She could give her children a bath in a volcano, and I’d be like, yeah, so, kids get dirty. She was probably using Sean as a rag to wash the car. Granted, Jayden is younger and gives the BMW a nice shine, but the little scamp was probably stuck in the pool filter - again. Kids.