Jamie's Cryin'

In a moment indicative of NBC's commitment to bring America quality, original programming, it was recently announced that The Bionic Woman will get an update in a new pilot for the network. In the original '70s series, tennis pro Jaime Sommers was granted amplified (bionic) hearing, a super-strong (bionic) right arm, and powerful (bionic) legs. Unfortunately, with the late '80s invention of Robocops, good hearing and some robot limbs just doesn't cut it anymore.

Here are my notes to keep the series fresh and relevant for today's savvy viewers:

• Instead of the old repetitive sound and slow-motion when using bionic parts, we hear SexyBack
• While making the legs bionic, scientists were forced to infuse the brains of one of the Wayans brothers (doesn't matter which ones) in each leg. So when she uses them, they bicker and make little jokes about how skinny white girls' legs are
• Runs Linux (appealing to nerds for some reason)

Oh, and in case you were wondering: that's Michelle Ryan, and yes, she's the new Bionic Woman. I don't get it either. At this rate her bionic dog is gonna' be a toaster named "Paco".