I Loooooove Trash!

I can't explain why we watch the Oscars every year. I can tell you that I love listening to Nancy as she shouts at Joan Rivers and her daughter (who, really, none of us should even be remotely aware of) while they talk shit about celebrity passers-by on the red carpet. I can tell you I hate the "Best Song" performances if Debbie Allen is involved or not. I can tell you that no matter what anyone else tells you, David Letterman is the once and future king of the Oscar telecast... and I can tell you that as much as I love movies, I generally hate self-serving award shows.

The Oscars are different, though, and besides, they make Nancy happy, and that alone is enough to lead me to print Oscar ballots for us each year, and settle in for 4 hours of non-stop, unbelieveably-bad scripted chatter, missed cues, awkward acceptance speeches and, sadly, not a single person repeating "Uma? Oprah."

So, 4 hours to launch, here are my picks. An explanation: My pick to win? It's in bold. What I want to win? That's in italics. Every so often (okay, not so often) those two coincide, and in those happy instances? That's right! It's in bold italics! After the broadcast I'll highlight the winner in something close to Oscar gold, and tell you how my picks stacked up against Nancy's. She usually kicks my ass. I'm not mentioning this as some cop-out in case she does... she just does, and you deserve to know that now.

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

Leonardo DiCaprio in “Blood Diamond” (Warner Bros.)

Ryan Gosling in “Half Nelson” (THINKFilm)

Peter O’Toole in “Venus” (Miramax, Filmfour and UK Film Council)

Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happyness” (Sony Pictures Releasing)

Forest Whitaker in “The Last King of Scotland” (Fox Searchlight)

Look, I just love Peter O'Toole, alright? If he isn't drunk all of the time, he really should be, and regardless, he'd give a hell of an acceptance speech... but let's face it, it's Forest's night, and that's cool 'cause he was Ghost Dog.

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

Alan Arkin in “Little Miss Sunshine” (Fox Searchlight)

Jackie Earle Haley in “Little Children” (New Line)

Djimon Hounsou in “Blood Diamond” (Warner Bros.)

Eddie Murphy in “Dreamgirls” (DreamWorks and Paramount)

Mark Wahlberg in “The Departed” (Warner Bros.)

Yeah, I love Alan Arkin too, so? He deserves it, and with luck he'll say "I can close 'em!" at the podium as some wannabe model hands him his paperweight. I know everyone is saying Eddie Murphy, but you know what? We don't live in Bizarro world, so shut up. He just made Norbit, alright? Keep your eye on the ball.

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

Penélope Cruz in “Volver” (Sony Pictures Classics)

Judi Dench in “Notes on a Scandal” (Fox Searchlight)

Helen Mirren in “The Queen” (Miramax, Pathé and Granada)

Meryl Streep in “The Devil Wears Prada” (20th Century Fox)

Kate Winslet in “Little Children” (New Line)

I dunno... she seems Oscar-friendly, right?


Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

Adriana Barraza in “Babel” (Paramount and Paramount Vantage)

Cate Blanchett in “Notes on a Scandal” (Fox Searchlight)

Abigail Breslin in “Little Miss Sunshine” (Fox Searchlight)

Jennifer Hudson in “Dreamgirls” (DreamWorks and Paramount)

Rinko Kikuchi in “Babel” (Paramount and Paramount Vantage)

I can buck the Eddie trend, but I'd be a fool to go against the American Idol girl. But if Abigail wins? That shriek of glee you hear? That came from my living room. That little girl rocks, and Dakota Fanning should be embarrassed.


Best Animated Feature Film of the Year

“Cars” (Buena Vista) John Lasseter

“Happy Feet” (Warner Bros.) George Miller

“Monster House” (Sony Pictures Releasing) Gil Kenan


Achievement in Art Direction

“Dreamgirls” (DreamWorks and Paramount) Art Direction: John Myhre Set Decoration: Nancy Haigh

“The Good Shepherd” (Universal) Art Direction: Jeannine OppewallSet Decoration: Gretchen Rau and Leslie E. Rollins

“Pan’s Labyrinth” (Picturehouse) Art Direction: Eugenio CaballeroSet Decoration: Pilar Revuelta

“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” (Buena Vista)Art Direction: Rick HeinrichsSet Decoration: Cheryl Carasik

“The Prestige” (Buena Vista)Art Direction: Nathan CrowleySet Decoration: Julie Ochipinti

The Prestige would be a great win too, and well-deserved, but man oh man... Pan's Labyrinth was easily the best film we saw all year (yes, even better than Superman Returns), and hands-down the most sumptuous visual feast.


Achievement in Cinematography

“The Black Dahlia” (Universal) Vilmos Zsigmond

“Children of Men” (Universal) Emmanuel Lubezki

“The Illusionist” (Yari Film Group) Dick Pope

“Pan’s Labyrinth” (Picturehouse) Guillermo Navarro

“The Prestige” (Buena Vista) Wally Pfister

The scene in the car alone is Oscar-worthy. If you saw it, you know what I'm talking about.


Achievement in Costume Design

"Curse of the Golden Flower" (Sony Pictures Classics) Yee Chung Man

“The Devil Wears Prada” (20th Century Fox) Patricia Field

“Dreamgirls” (DreamWorks and Paramount) Sharen Davis

“Marie Antoinette” (Sony Pictures Releasing) Milena Canonero

“The Queen” (Miramax, Pathé and Granada) Consolata Boyle


Achievement in Directing

“Babel” (Paramount and Paramount Vantage) Alejandro González Iñárritu

“The Departed” (Warner Bros.) Martin Scorsese

“Letters from Iwo Jima” (Warner Bros.) Clint Eastwood

“The Queen” (Miramax, Pathé and Granada) Stephen Frears

“United 93” (Universal and StudioCanal) Paul Greengrass

Marty has earned it. It's past time. Give him the damn thingee already.


Best Documentary Feature

“Deliver Us from Evil” (Lionsgate)A Disarming Films Production Amy Berg and Frank Donner

“An Inconvenient Truth” (Paramount Classics and Participant Productions)A Lawrence Bender/Laurie David ProductionDavis Guggenheim

“Iraq in Fragments” (Typecast Releasing in association with HBO Documentary Films)A Typecast Pictures/Daylight Factory Production James Longley and John Sinno

“Jesus Camp” (Magnolia Pictures)A Loki Films ProductionHeidi Ewing and Rachel Grady

“My Country, My Country” (Zeitgeist Films)A Praxis Films Production Laura Poitras and Jocelyn Glatzer

What, there are other nominees? The question really is: will Al announce his candidacy tonight? I'm thinking "Yes...."

Best Documentary Short Subject

“The Blood of Yingzhou District”A Thomas Lennon Films ProductionRuby Yang and Thomas Lennon

“Recycled Life”An Iwerks/Glad Production Leslie Iwerks and Mike Glad

“Rehearsing a Dream”A Simon & Goodman Picture Company ProductionKaren Goodman and Kirk Simon

“Two Hands” A Crazy Boat Pictures Production Nathaniel Kahn and Susan Rose Behr

I have no idea, but my pick has "blood" in the title, and since there's no holocaust doc, this seems like a safe bet.

Achievement in Film Editing

“Babel” (Paramount and Paramount Vantage) Stephen Mirrione and Douglas Crise

“Blood Diamond” (Warner Bros.) Steven Rosenblum

“Children of Men” (Universal) Alex Rodríguez and Alfonso Cuarón

“The Departed” (Warner Bros.)Thelma Schoonmaker

“United 93” (Universal and StudioCanal) Clare Douglas, Christopher Rouse and Richard Pearson

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year

“After the Wedding” A Zentropa Entertainments 16 ProductionDenmark

“Days of Glory (Indigènes)” A Tessalit ProductionAlgeria

“The Lives of Others” A Wiedemann & Berg ProductionGermany

“Pan’s Labyrinth” A Tequila Gang/Esperanto Filmoj/Estudios Picasso Production Mexico

“Water” A Hamilton-Mehta Production Canada

Yay! It deserves this, and if you haven't seen it, go. Skip work tomorrow and go. No one will blame you.


Achievement in Makeup

“Apocalypto” (Buena Vista) Aldo Signoretti and Vittorio Sodano

“Click” (Sony Pictures Releasing) Kazuhiro Tsuji and Bill Corso

“Pan’s Labyrinth” (Picturehouse) David Martí and Montse Ribé


Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Score)

“Babel” (Paramount and Paramount Vantage) Gustavo Santaolalla

“The Good German” (Warner Bros.) Thomas Newman

“Notes on a Scandal” (Fox Searchlight) Philip Glass

“Pan’s Labyrinth” (Picturehouse) Javier Navarrete

“The Queen” (Miramax, Pathé and Granada) Alexandre Desplat

I'm at a loss without a John Williams score, but from what passages I've heard, this is the one to beat. Plus the film is in black-and-white, which, inexplicably, makes the music seem somehow weightier.


Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Song)

“I Need to Wake Up” from “An Inconvenient Truth”(Paramount Classics and Participant Productions) Music and Lyric by Melissa Etheridge

“Listen” from “Dreamgirls”(DreamWorks and Paramount) Music by Henry Krieger and Scott CutlerLyric by Anne Preven

“Love You I Do” from “Dreamgirls”(DreamWorks and Paramount) Music by Henry KriegerLyric by Siedah Garrett

“Our Town” from “Cars”(Buena Vista)Music and Lyric by Randy Newman

“Patience” from “Dreamgirls”(DreamWorks and Paramount)Music by Henry KriegerLyric by Willie Reale

Total guess, but unless Melissa pulls a huge upset, it's gotta' be something from Dreamgirls, right? Besides, every Dreamgirls win is bound to piss Diana Ross off, so here's hopin'.


Best Motion Picture of the Year

“Babel” (Paramount and Paramount Vantage) An Anonymous Content/Zeta Film/Central Films ProductionAlejandro González Iñárritu, Jon Kilik and Steve Golin, Producers

“The Departed” (Warner Bros.)A Warner Bros. Pictures Production Graham King, Producer

“Letters from Iwo Jima” (Warner Bros.)A DreamWorks Pictures/Warner Bros. Pictures ProductionClint Eastwood, Steven Spielberg and Robert Lorenz, Producers

“Little Miss Sunshine” (Fox Searchlight)A Big Beach/Bona Fide ProductionDavid T. Friendly, Peter Saraf and Marc Turtletaub, Producers

“The Queen” (Miramax, Pathé and Granada)A Granada ProductionAndy Harries, Christine Langan and Tracey Seaward, Producers

I'd be thrilled if Little Miss Sunshine won -and it deserves it to boot- but this should be the year of the Marty, so I'm all-in for The Departed.


Best Animated Short Film

“The Danish Poet” (National Film Board of Canada)A Mikrofilm and National Film Board of Canada ProductionTorill Kove

“Lifted” (Buena Vista)A Pixar Animation Studios Production Gary Rydstrom

“The Little Matchgirl” (Buena Vista)A Walt Disney Pictures ProductionRoger Allers and Don Hahn

“Maestro” (SzimplaFilm)A Kedd ProductionGéza M. Tóth

“No Time for Nuts” (20th Century Fox)A Blue Sky Studios ProductionChris Renaud and Michael Thurmeier


Best Live Action Short Film

“Binta and the Great Idea (Binta Y La Gran Idea)”A Peliculas Pendelton and Tus Ojos ProductionJavier Fesser and Luis Manso

“Éramos Pocos (One Too Many)” (Kimuak)An Altube Filmeak ProductionBorja Cobeaga

“Helmer & Son”A Nordisk Film Production Søren Pilmark and Kim Magnusson

“The Saviour” (Australian Film Television and Radio School)An Australian Film Television and Radio School ProductionPeter Templeman and Stuart Parkyn

“West Bank Story” An Ari Sandel, Pascal Vaguelsy, Amy Kim, Ravi Malhotra and Ashley Jordan ProductionAri Sandel


Achievement in Sound Editing

“Apocalypto” (Buena Vista) Sean McCormack and Kami Asgar

“Blood Diamond” (Warner Bros.) Lon Bender

“Flags of Our Fathers” (DreamWorks and Warner Bros., Distributed by Paramount)Alan Robert Murray and Bub Asman

“Letters from Iwo Jima” (Warner Bros.)Alan Robert Murray and Bub Asman

“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” (Buena Vista)Christopher Boyes and George Watters II

Tough call: war movie or shitty pirates movie... but I'm going with the pirates.

Achievement in Sound Mixing

“Apocalypto” (Buena Vista)Kevin O’Connell, Greg P. Russell and Fernando Cámara

“Blood Diamond” (Warner Bros.)Andy Nelson, Anna Behlmer and Ivan Sharrock

“Dreamgirls” (DreamWorks and Paramount)Michael Minkler, Bob Beemer and Willie Burton

“Flags of Our Fathers” (DreamWorks and Warner Bros., Distributed by Paramount) John Reitz, Dave Campbell, Gregg Rudloff and Walt Martin

“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” (Buena Vista) Paul Massey, Christopher Boyes and Lee Orloff

Still a tough call, but since this category is more technical and less creative, I'm throwing it to the war movie.


Achievement in Visual Effects

“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” (Buena Vista)John Knoll, Hal Hickel, Charles Gibson and Allen Hall

“Poseidon” (Warner Bros.)Boyd Shermis, Kim Libreri, Chas Jarrett and John Frazier

“Superman Returns” (Warner Bros.)Mark Stetson, Neil Corbould, Richard R. Hoover and Jon Thum

I am incapable of picking anything else. But in all fairness, the effects were stunning.

Adapted Screenplay

“Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” (20th Century Fox) Screenplay by Sacha Baron Cohen & Anthony Hines & Peter Baynham & Dan MazerStory by Sacha Baron Cohen & Peter Baynham & Anthony Hines & Todd Phillips

“Children of Men” (Universal)Screenplay by Alfonso Cuarón & Timothy J. Sexton and David Arata and Mark Fergus & Hawk Ostby

“The Departed” (Warner Bros.) Screenplay by William Monahan

“Little Children” (New Line) Screenplay by Todd Field & Tom Perrotta

“Notes on a Scandal” (Fox Searchlight) Screenplay by Patrick Marber

Children of Men was an amazing film, but I have a feeling The Departed will squeak out the win. And may i add that Borat doesn't even belong in the category? It's like nominating a Christopher Guest film: they were mostly improvised.


Original Screenplay

“Babel” (Paramount and Paramount Vantage)Written by Guillermo Arriaga

“Letters from Iwo Jima” (Warner Bros.)Screenplay by Iris YamashitaStory by Iris Yamashita & Paul Haggis

“Little Miss Sunshine” (Fox Searchlight)Written by Michael Arndt

“Pan’s Labyrinth” (Picturehouse)Written by Guillermo del Toro

“The Queen” (Miramax, Pathé and Granada)Written by Peter Morgan

Could be The Queen, though honestly nothing here should beat Little Miss Sunshine.

Later that same night:

Out of 24? I hit 14. Nancy? She hit 13. I won... but it should be said that the only time Nancy took the lead was when she voted against Superman Returns. Judging from the outcome, I'd say that was a mistake.

Some final thoughts:

• Ellen was great.
• I literally jumped for joy when Alan Arkin won.
• I can't believe Mumenschanz wasn't available.
• Haven't we all seen enough of Randy Newman?
• Jack Black? Genius.
• How did Pan's Labyrinth not win?
• Nice turn on Al, prodding him to announce.
• I still hate Tipper.
• Tom Cruise? Really? It's not like Rosie was hosting.
• What is it with old men and stupid glasses?
• There's such a thing as to many montages.