Barefoot Serpents

65-28, Colts.

That was the score of my Madden '07 game last night. Oh, and the Colts? They scored 47 of those points without Peyton Manning, thank you. He left the game in the 2nd quarter with an owee on his elbow. Wuss.

So begins my live recap of the Super Bowl.

1/21/07, 6:30PM PST: SuperBowl XLI pre-show begins!

2/4/07, 3:10PM PST: Indianapolis Colts are introduced to a muffed musical fanfare. "We won't get foooled again" indeed.

3:12PM PST: Chicago Bears are introduced to no musical fanfare. I'm guessing they don't actually own the rights to the Super Bowl Shuffle.

3:15PM PST: Chad Johnson's Super Bowl party commercial (for what, I have no idea). Two words: Janet. Reno. Bonus word: Cumin.

3:17PM PST: Billy Joel soulfully croons our national anthem (what are we trying to prove, anyway, with a national anthem that's almost impossible to sing?), and all I can think is "That Christie Brinkley is a bitch."

3:24PM PST: Tony Corriente is introduced as referee. I hate Tony Corriente... and not just because he's really a high school history teacher posing as an NFL referee.

3:25PM PST: Bears win the toss, and we learn that though the NFC has won ten straight opening coin tosses in the Super Bowl, they've only taken that weird trophy home 2 of the last 9 games. By the way, two things you don't let guys do? Design trophies, and design rings.

3:26PM PST: Kick-off!

3:27PM PST: Devin Hester runs the opening kick-off back 92 yads for the touchdown, and the weight on Peyton Manning's shoulders triples.

3:34PM PST: As if to tell his critics "You're so friggin' right!" Peyton comes out throwing an interception, and leaves the field wondering if anyone will still pay him to pimp for cell phones and credit cards after this game.

3:41PM PST: I'm no television producer, but me? I'd have not gone with the "cheerleader upskirt" shot. But that's me.

4:00PM PST: Best commercial ever! Dave! Oprah! Together again... and so in love.

4:56PM PST: Vinatieri missed! That leaves... lessee... just one sign of the apocalpyse to go!

5:04PM PST: Prince is the halftime show! The good news: he's brilliant, and clearly annoyed! The bad news? We're out of signs for the coming apocalypse! All those damned roaming the earth are gonna' make it much harder to get to work in the morning! Leave early!

5:26PM PST: Second half kick-off, with the score 16-14, Colts. And where is that commercial with the guy proposing to his girlfriend, anyway? Gee, I hope they're okay. You don't suppose she broke up with him 'cause she got wind of this and it's, well, gross, do you?

5:34PM PST: Banter in the booth!
"I can still throw those 3 & 4 yarders."
"I can vouch for that, partner."
Hey, just get a room why dontcha'?

5:56PM PST: Robert Goulet! I'm still struggling with the idea that anyone would ever want to keep Bob Goulet away. Certainly never in springtime.

5:59PM PST: K-Fed makes his self-deprecating appearance for some company or other. Let me think... yup. I still despise him. Now if I could just trick him into walking down a dark alley behind a McDonald's....

6:32PM PST: Nancy -who has a Bears-lovin' pal at work- comes up with the best smack talk in the history of smack talk. "Hey, why doesn't your team use some of that Oprah money to buy a real quarterback?" She's too nice to share it with him in his post-loss daze... but I'm not. Serves him right for talkin' shit about the Seahawks. Karma sucks, huh guy? Try to sob a little more quietly... you're annoying the neighbors.

6:37PM PST: At this point the game is pretty much over, and Peyton has pretty much gotten that monkey off his back. We watch him -Peyton, not the monkey- get buried under four Bears and wish that he was an illusionist as well as a quarterback. How cool would it be if they cleared the dogpile, only to find him gone... or to discover a tiny, white bunny in a Colts helmet underneath? Ta-daaaaah! While we're imagining the ooohs and aaahs, we realize neither of us knows the score, or really cares.

6:57PM PST: The Colts win, and we never did see that marriage proposal commercial. I guess everyone isn't a winner after all.

Phew. The game's over, and I'm left with these questions:

What becomes of the hats and t's they made for the losing team? What's the street value of a "Chicago Bears Super Bowl XLI Champions" cap these days?

Did anyone else notice that the (for lack of a better name) "Super Bowl Coronation" theme sounds almost exactly like the theme to the original Battlestar Galactica?

Am I more annoyed by god's team (the Colts) than I am by America's team (the Cowboys)? And if god is responsible for this win, I hope they at least donate that Cadillac to some Indianapolis church before the suns sets on Monday.

Another day, another Super Bowl. Whatever. I'm sure that in the miserable annals of the earth they will be duly enshrined.

Go Hawks.