The 5th Horseman

Rating (out of 4)

3.30
Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a fucking terrorist.

3.29
Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

3.29
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

3.27
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

3.26
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

3.22
The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.

3.20
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

3.19
There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.

3.18
They say you can't go a day without water, Jack Bauer has gone five seasons.

3.15
Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow.

3.12
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.

3.09
When life hands Jack Bauer Lemons, he kills Terrorists. Jack Bauer fuckin' hates lemonade.

3.08
As a boy, Jack Bauer interrogated his parents on Easter until they revealed the location and contents of each hidden egg.

3.07
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

3.07
After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

3.05
Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?"

3.03
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walked into a bar... and Jack Bauer is going to find out why....

3.01
Superman has Jack Bauer pajamas.

3.01
Jack Bauer has no friends, because as a child when he would play cops and robbers, the robbers would all be interrogated and killed.

3.01
Jack Bauer is the reason Waldo is hiding.

3.01
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

3.00
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

3.00
On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependants.

Thanks Matt!