Stringing Him Along

No surprise to anyone, Madonna's rep confirms she's already started making David Banda wear the red Kabbalah string bracelet which, according to Kabbalah literature, fends off "the unfriendly stare and unkind glances we sometimes get from people around us."

If Madonna really wants to fend off unkind looks from strangers she's gonna need a hell of a lot more than a red bracelet. Like a blanket printed with puppies she can throw over herself whenever she goes out in public. Then whenever people are giving her angry looks she can just hide under the blanket and everybody will be like "Aww, puppies" and forget why they were reaching into their pockets for a stabbing knife.