Save some for grampa!

You're gonna' need a bigger bunny.

Who's the boss?

Over Your Head

A prototype of Venom's head from Spider-Man 3 has turned up as what appears to be a mud golem, ready to protect Jewish comic book geeks worldwide. Check it out:



In the comics, Venom was most often portrayed as having a great fanged jaw with a thick, slimey tongue spiraling outward from a drooling, hissing maw. This one has sort of big lips. It's really more of a threat to Meg Ryan than to Spider-Man. So Meg? Um, watch your back. I guess.

As part of the promotional campaign for the Tenacious D movie, Jack Black has made this parody of those anti-piracy ads that have been running before movie previews. Show it to your friends. Go on, share it! It's okay! Notice Steve's not laughing so hard? He's a narc!

I Am Jack's Return To Greatness

Okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration... I went 2-2 this week. But after last week? 2-2 felt pretty damn good, tell you what.

In the office Yahoo league? I won! I won, and I climbed up to fifth!

1. San Diego Zoo 7-0-0
2. Cincinnati Steamers 7-0-0
3. AllStar Chuck Norris 6-1-0
4. The Truth 6-1-0
5. Tropical Depressions 6-1-0
6. Go Frenchy!! 5-2-0
7. Chuck A Ducks 5-2-0
8. Owens R Us 4-3-0
9. The Greasy Pablos 4-3-0
10. DEM HOODSTARZ 4-3-0
11. Ninerjunky08 3-4-0
12. Hot Pipin Carl 3-4-0
13. san jose 49ers 3-4-0
14. MB Blitz 2-5-0
15. Anal Tongue Darts 2-5-0
16. I Miss Baseball 2-5-0
17. mmmmmm..beer 1-6-0
18. Jumers Junkies 0-7-0
19. Blitzburgh 0-7-0
20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-7-0

This week, though... this week I play one of the 7-0 teams. I feel pretty good about it, but I'd much rather be playing one of the 0-7 teams. If I win, though... that would be huge. So that's what I'm hoping for: the win. Yup. I've got this football thing all figured out.

In the league we all share? I lost. Dammit. I plummeted to last in our division, while Nancy shot up to second! Turns out while Joe was quietly winning (after that slow start), he was also quietly kicking my ass in points, so he sits comfortably in third. This week I'm playing Tony, and somehow I'm starting a squad of new acquisitions. Not sure how that happened. I picked up some good players, but I'm relying on Donovan McNabb to have a big day.

Wealth & Beauty

West Division
Team
cannon ball 6 1 0
The Punctuation 3 4 0
Charlatans EC 3 4 0
Omegahedrons 3 4 0

Central Division
Team
The Mighty Bosh 7 0 0
CBS Sportsline.com sucks 4 3 0
Nadia's Team 3 4 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 3 4 0

East Division
Team
Potato 3 4 0
Arsenal 3 4 0
Minny's Meanies 2 5 0
Carl 2 5 0 0

In the solo league? I lost. That's all I do there. I lose. See?

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Team
Cowboys from Hell 3 4 0
Steel Curtain 3 4 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 2 5 0
Florida Dolphins 0 7 0

East Division
Team
Ash Kickers 6 1 0
James Gang 6 1 0
Fightin' Squid 5 2 0
Second Stringers 5 2 0

West Division
Team
from bittercreek 4 3 0
Denton County Saints 4 3 0
packers 2 5 0
TPDG 2 5 0

Sadly, the other people in my division didn't see fit to lose along with me this time, so I dropped in the rankings. This week? I think I'll try that "winning" thing. Let's see how that works out for a change.

Finally, in the league I was perfect in 'till last week? I won! Back on the 'ol winning horse! Lookee:

Idiots Legue

East Division
Team
Blue Meanies 6 1 0
goldminers 3 3 1
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 3 4 0
The Steamrollers 2 5 0.

Central Division
Team
Pigs 4 2 1 0
Customs Cavity Searchers 4 3 0
Mighty Hamsters 3 4 0
Viagracide 3 4 0

West Division
Team
FesturingTaserWound 4 3 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 3 4 0
San Diego THUNDER 3 4 0
WARLORDS 3 4 0

Nancy's doing very well here too! Second in her division! That means in both of her fantasy football leagues she's second in her division, which is pretty impressive.

Speaking of impressive things, I played the Seahawks/Chiefs game in Madden '07 a couplea' nights ago, and you'll be pleased to know the Seahawks won it in overtime, 39-33. I'm not saying this makes today's game a lock for the Hawks... I'm just sayin.'

"I say: Evolve and let the chips fall where they may." ~Fight Club, Screenplay

Kevin Federline recently told Entertainment Weekly that he's the "most talked-about [person] of anyone over the last couple of years" and when asked who the most underrated performer in his field was he paused for about 12 seconds and replied: "Me."

Additionally, in an interview with People he says he doesn't mind that everybody in the world hates him: "If you want to hate me, cool, hate me. You know why? Because all it's going to do is help me. I know who I am."

And on his acting debut last month on CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: "I shocked myself. There were parts that I wish I would have done different, but there are parts that really took me, like, Wow, did I do that? I looked at myself and I was like, It looked good. It looked perfect."

And on being a father of four: With each birth, "it gets less and less stressful. It's just time to get my stuff down while they're young. so I can sit back and watch them grow up."

And finally, on shopping for his wife: “I used to be embarrassed to go to the store and buy tampons, but that’s all past tense,” K-Fed told EW. “Once you make it through that, then you’re good.”

I haven't seen anyone this deluded since that bus ride from Oakland to Sacramento. The guy next to me kept screaming into his filthy Wendy's bag... something about how Geraldine had taken the best years of his life, and when she left him -taking their six kids with her- he was devestated (or, as he put it, "devishitated"), and everyone in that bag should know that it was her fault he was like this now, and that if they wanted to blame someone for their plight (I can only assume he was referring to the fact that he never stopped screaming into that bag, except to take a swill from the Mickey's Bigmouth in his lap, so between the stench of the beer, and the stink of the dried puke in the bag, those tiny, cowered bag people had it pretty bad) they didn't have to look any further than Flip Wilson's "sister," Geraldine.

Where'd You Go, Ohio?

The midterm vote on November 7 promises the "possibility, if not certainty, of problems at polls nationwide," according to a new report from the Election Reform Information Project.

Read it, then go vote anyway.

Back, And To The Left

My favorites:

Barcodes are really intended to Control people
Some conspiracy theorists have proposed that barcodes are really intended to serve as means of control by a world government, or that they are, in fact, Satanic. Mary Stewart Relfe claims in The New Money System 666 that barcodes secretly encode the number 666 (for those of you who never listened to Motley Crue or Iron Maiden, that's the "Number of the Beast"). This theory has been adopted by other fringe figures such as the "oracle" Sollog, who refuses to label any of his books with barcodes on the grounds that "any type of computer numbering systems MANDATED by any government or business is part of the PROPHECY of the BEAST controlling you." Of course it is.


Microsoft sends messages on Wingdings Font
The Wingdings font included with Windows has a history of controversy. In 1992, only days after the release of Windows 3.1, it was discovered that the character sequence "NYC" in Wingdings was rendered as Skull and Crossbones symbol, Star of David, and thumbs up gesture. This could be interpreted -and was, not surprisingly- as a message of approval of killing Jews, especially those from New York City. Microsoft strongly denied this was intentional, and insisted that the final arrangement of the glyphs in the font was largely random. Various other combinations of Wingings characters are alleged to have special significance by conspiracy theorists, but these results are likely purely coincidental... riiiiiiiight.

Apollo 11 Moon Landings were faked by NASA
Proponents of the Apollo moon landing hoax accusations allege that the Apollo moon landings never took place, and were faked by NASA with possible CIA support. Enthusiasts of this theory claim that:

- The astronauts could not have survived the trip because of exposure to radiation
- There are no stars in any of the photos; no one reports seeing any stars from the capsule
- Identical backgrounds in photos that are listed as taken miles apart.
- The moon's surface during the daytime is so hot that camera film would have melted.
- No blast crater appeared from the landing
- The launch rocket produced no visible flame.
- The flag placed on the moon's surface flapped despite there being no wind on the Moon

(Come on...we all know this one is true)

Vote

Trick or utter annihilation of your species.

Dick O'Lantern.

Patterns Of Force

I Am Jack's Crappy Week

Crap.

Crappity-crap-crap.

I went 1-3 this week.

One game. I won one game. Out of four. That's... that's... well, I'm no good with numbers, but I see here on my dad's slide rule that 1 out of 4 sucks. Hard.

Anyway, I won in the office Yahoo league:

1. San Diego Zoo 6-0-0
2. Cincinnati Steamers 6-0-0
3. Go Frenchy!! 5-1-0
4. AllStar Chuck Norris 5-1-0
5. Pirate 5-1-0
6. Tropical Depressions 5-1-0
7. Chuck A Ducks 4-2-0
8. DEM HOODSTARZ 4-2-0
9. Owens R Us 3-3-0
10. Rusty Trombones 3-3-0
11. Ninerjunky08 3-3-0
12. Hot Pipin Carl 3-3-0
13. san jose 49ers 3-3-0
14. MB Blitz 2-4-0
15. Anal Tongue Darts 1-5-0
16. mmmmmm..beer 1-5-0
17. I Miss Baseball 1-5-0
18. Jumers Junkies 0-6-0
19. Blitzburgh 0-6-0
20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-6-0

Oh, and look. I'm still in sixth. Destiny? You tell me.

Here's a league where I lost:

Wealth & Beauty

Central Division
Team W L T
The Mighty Bosh 6 0 0
CBS Sportsline.com sucks 4 2 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 3 3 0
Nadia's Team 2 4 0

East Division
Team W L T
Potato 3 3 0
Minny's Meanies 2 4 0
Carl 2 4 0
Arsenal 2 4 0

West Division
Team W L T
cannon ball 5 1 0
Omegahedrons 3 3 0
The Punctuation 2 4 0
Charlatans EC 2 4 0

Tony's doing very well here. Robert? Not so much. Joe? He's been climbing the ladder while Nancy and I falter down it... it's still anyone's league.

Here? In the solo league? I... what's the word? "Lost."

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Team W L T
Cowboys from Hell 3 2 1
Steel Curtain 3 3 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 2 4 0
Florida Dolphins 0 6 0

East Division
Team W L T
James Gang 5 1 0
Ash Kickers 5 1 0
Second Stringers 4 2
Fightin' Squid 4 2 0

West Division
Team W L T
Denton County Saints 4 2 0
from bittercreek 3 3 0
TPDG 1 4 1
packers 1 5 0

The only good news is once again my division sucks, and we almost all lost. Yay team.

Finally... the mighty have fallen:

Idiots Legue

Central Division
Team W L T
Pigs 3 2 1
Mighty Hamsters 3 3 0
Customs Cavity Searchers 3 3 0
Viagracide 3 3 0

East Division
Team W L T
Blue Meanies 5 1 0
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 3 3 0
goldminers 2 3 1
The Steamrollers 1 5 0

West Division
Team W L T
FesturingTaserWound 4 2 0
San Diego THUNDER 3 3 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 3 3 0
WARLORDS 2 4 0

Yup. I was undefeated. Now? Not so much.

Crap.

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world." ~Fight Club, Screenplay

Tiny, Tiny Lives

Your pals at Bandai are ready to release an electronic ant farm!

The thing costs $69 and is set to be released in November, and is being marketed as a way for stressed-out employees to watch others hard at work.

So if you're slaving away and get depressed at work you can just pop this thing open and laugh at how hard the electronic ants have it. It'd be amusing if it weren't so sad.

Machiavellian Maestro

Kevin Federline has allegedly forbidden Britney Spears from using male dancers in her new video and is insisting she replace the ones she's hired with women.

"Spears hired Matt Felker, one of the sexy guys from her "Toxic" video, to appear in her new video, according to In Touch Weekly, which reports that her hubby "insisted that Britney fire Matt and all of the other male dancers she'd hired and replace them with females." Federline - who was, of course, once a back-up dancer for Spears - is said to be "surprisingly insecure and secretly terrified" that Spears will dump him if her career takes off again. "Kevin doesn't want Britney to be making sexy moves again," an "insider" told ITW. "He's even telling her she doesn't need to lose all of her pregnancy weight." "

So all this time I thought Britney was just letting herself and her career go when it was really Kevin -"The Puppet Master"- Federline bringing her down just to set himself up. Well played, Kevin... well played....

The line is so fine between genius and stupidity, isn't it?

Britney Spears is so desperate to sell K-Fed's album she's asking her fans to help out. She's sponsoring a contest and the fan who helps sell the most copies of his album Playing With Fire gets to party with her and K-Fed on Halloween during the CD release party! Oh boy! Second prize is the pair of sneakers K-Fed wore to the Teen Choice Awards, third place gets a $200 gift certificate, and lucky 10 runners-up get a replica of a medallion that K-Fed wears almost every day!

Excuse me? His used shoes? A replica wigger medallion? There's really no excuse not to enter. With prizes this grand you'd think there must be some sort of catch. But no, my friends, all that fantastic goodness can be yours for just the low low price of your dignity. Plus the incredible beating you'll get when you start telling your friends to buy K-Fed albums.

The Next Big Thing: Architecture In Helsinki

Nancy and I went to see Clap Your Hands Say Yeah last friday. We saw them and dug them, but we discovered one of the openers: Architecture In Helsinki.

It might take a while for the average indie kid to open up to Architecture in Helsinki. The X-piece (8 members? 6? Who knows!) Melbourne collective makes music to baby talk to, could score a Miyazaki film about Carebears, and whisper-sing through half of their songs, all while rolling deeper than Wu-Tang. And while their sickly-sweet, sugar-rushed "twee pop" (Hey! I learned what "twee" means!) might sometimes come off a little naïve or juvenile, I’ll be damned if the third grade ever sounded this compelling or, despite what kids these days are into, scandalous.

Now be cautioned, admittedly Cameron Bird (for lack of a better term, the band's 'front man") is a little hard to get used to with his off-key faerie castrato singing sighs, but Kellie Sutherland more than makes up for it with a vocal performance that ranks amongst the most tactful and alluring backing-vocalist displays since Neko met Carl. Don't believe me? Check out Fingers Crossed's “Scissor Paper Rock,” which employs an intention-laden scene-setting jazz guitar and stars Ms. Perfect, who quickly outwits her antagonist with wordplay like: “You’re seeking repair/For figure eights in the ice in your stare.”

Go buy Fingers Crossed (their debut album). You'll hear it too... their music is perfectly contented, but twisted in knots by ambiguous, secretive lyrics. We’re thus left to our own devices to fill in the gaps -assuming we want to play this scandalous game in the first place- and that’s probably what we’ll start doing after a month of taking in the slick, detailed instrumentation. Have I mentioned how dense their recordings are? Or that each member (accomplished musicians all) takes a turn on multiple instruments, including the trombone and what is almost certainly a Jack In The Box? The care put into all aspects of this project gives it a rare longevity. Most albums are quickly tossed aside for the next, but you can’t help but feel involved in Fingers Crossed; you’re hooked immediately after exposure like your after that first Dawson’s Creek episode. What's more, you'll find that the charm of the record’s conveyed innocence and quest for sincerity alludes to a certain social high road... but the band is too mischievous to get bogged down in always doing “the right thing” over what feels right; it’s just that “the right thing” and “what feels right” are one and the same in Architecture In Helsinki’s little apple tree garden of sculpted morality.

If tha has to be so rarely true in life, at least it's always true when you listen to Architecture In Helsinki.

Slammin'

Monday Night Football? Feh. Heroes? Pshaw! If you wanted to see the greatest thing on TV tonight you shoulda' checked out Monday Night Raw where Kevin Federline was body slammed by WWE wrestler John Cena.

Introduced as the "A-list friend" of bad guy Johnny Nitro, K-Fed played the villain as he walked to the ring amid (heartfelt) boos from the crowd. "Same people who are booin' me now buy my picture on the cover of magazines," he told the audience. "Y'all want to hear my rap?" When the boos continued, he replied, "Well, you're going to have to wait until my record drops in October." At that point, WWE champion John Cena came out, taunting K-Fed in classic wrestling smack-talking style with such lines as, "The album is called Playing With Fire? They should call it The Biggest Scumbag on Earth!" and "You're less talented than Paris Hilton!" In response, K-Fed made a comment about wanting to see Cena's ass dragged around the ring. Then the 6' 1", 240-lb. Cena pretended to shake K-Feds hand before lifting him in the air and dropping him to the mat in the most satisfying body slam in the history of body slams.

If Kevin Federline doesn't make it in the music industry he can always make a living getting beaten up on TV shows. The demand is high enough they could even give him his own show. Throw in a recurring character who hits him in the crotch with a wooden mallet and you've got the next Seinfeld.

I Am Jack's Ismay, Montana

You know, Joe never cut his hair during the football season. It's true. He was afraid -after losing a post-hair cut game- that it would jinx him.

I can relate.

So, after posting the visage of Joe, I went 3-1! Woot!

Let's look at the office Yahoo league. What I did there? I won! Handily!

1. Go Frenchy!! 5-0-0
2. San Diego Zoo 5-0-0
3. BM Blitz 5-0-0
4. Cincinnati Steamers 5-0-0
5. AllStar Chuck Norris 4-1-0
6. Tropical Depressions 4-1-0
7. Rusty Trombones 3-2-0
8. Chuck A Ducks 3-2-0
9. Ninerjunky08 3-2-0
10. DEM HOODSTARZ 3-2-0
11. Owens R Us 2-3-0
12. MB Blitz 2-3-0
13. Hot Pipin Carl 2-3-0
14. san jose 49ers 2-3-0
15. Anal Tongue Darts 1-4-0
16. mmmmmm..beer 1-4-0
17. Jumers Junkies 0-5-0
18. Blitzburgh 0-5-0
19. I Miss Baseball 0-5-0
20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-5-0

I was reviewing my Yahoo fantasy league stats recently, and I found that I've always finished sixth. Where am I now? Sixth... but I'm sure I can do better than that... right? It'snot my destiny to always be sixth... right?

Meanwhile...

Wealth & Beauty

West Division
Team W L T PC
cannon ball 5 0 0
Omegahedrons 3 2 0
The Punctuation 2 3 0
Charlatans EC 1 4 0

Central Division
Team W L T
The Mighty Bosh 5 0 0
CBS Sportsline.com sucks 3 2 0
Nadia's Team 2 3 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 2 3 0 0

East Division
Team W L T
Potato 2 3 0
Carl 2 3 0
Arsenal 2 3 0
Minny's Meanies 1 4 0

I won! Yippee! I managed to scramble past Nancy in the rankings. We'll see how long that lasts... I don't have a good feeling about this week's game, tellyouwhat. Honestly, my dearest wish is that Cannonball loses this week. He's the "me" of this league, and it turns out there's no honor among 5-0 teams... and he's in my way. So hopefully he loses, and Nancy and I win, and get back in the race for first.

Over in the solo league, well, things didn't turn out so well.

Slobber Knockers 2

East Division
Team W L T
James Gang 4 1 0
Ash Kickers 4 1 0
Second Stringers 3 2 0
Fightin' Squid 3 2 0

Central Division
Team W L T
Cowboys from Hell 3 2 0
Steel Curtain 3 2 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 2 3 0
Florida Dolphins 0 5 0

West Division
Team W L T
from bittercreek 3 2 0
Denton County Saints 3 2 0
packers 1 4 0
TPDG 1 4 0

I lost. Dammit. The only bright spot was that everyone in my division lost, so at least I didn't lose any ground. Again though, it doesn't look too promising for this week, so we'll see....

Finally, I remain undefeated in the Idiots Legue! Yahoo!

Idiots Legue

East Division
Team W L T
Blue Meanies 5 0 0
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 2 3 0
goldminers 1 3 1
The Steamrollers 1 4 0

Central Division
Team W L T
Pigs 3 1 1
Mighty Hamsters 3 2 0
Viagracide 3 2 0
Customs Cavity Searchers 2 2 1 0

West Division
Team W L T
FesturingTaserWound 3 2 0
San Diego THUNDER 2 3 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 2 3 0
WARLORDS 1 3 1

I have a pretty good match-up this week, but I dunno... Nancy says all good things must come to an end. I was pretty sure I'd read that on a greeting card or something, but she assures me it's a "Nancy Original." Well, regardless, if that's true, and she's right, I take that to mean I may not stay undefeated forever. Maybe I'll just sit here and bask in the moment....

"A condom is the glass slipper of our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night. Then, you throw it away . . . the condom, I mean, not the stranger." ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

I defy you to get any work done today.

I've Got Your "Angry Onlooker" Right Here...

I've seen some pretty moving performances before, but Kevin Federline portraying "Angry Onlooker #2" has just topped the list. His delivery of "You bitches haven't caught them cats yet?" in the upcoming CSI touches the soul. In the hands of an amateur it could've been a disaster, but K-Fed's masterful grasp of the craft really makes it work. I almost shudder to think how somebody like Tom Hanks would've butchered it. He'd probably just trip and wet his pants with a line that difficult.

And So It Begins

1531
The Catholics defeat the Protestants at Kappel during Switzerland's second civil war.

1540
Charles V of Milan puts his son Philip in control.

1727
George II of England crowned.

1795
In graditude for putting down a rebellion in the streets of Paris, France's National Convention appoints Napoleon Bonaparte second in command of the Army of the Interior.

1862
The Confederate Congress in Richmond passes a draft law allowing anyone owning 20 or more slaves to be exempt from military service. This law confirms many southerners opinion that they are in a 'rich man's war and a poor man's fight.'

1877
Outlaw Wild Bill Longley, who killed at least a dozen men, is hanged, but it took two tries; on the first try, the rope slipped and his knees drug the ground.

1899
South African Boers, settler from the Netherlands, declare war on Great Britain.

1906
San Francisco school board orders the segregation of Oriental schoolchildren, inciting Japanese outrage.

1915
Despite international protests, Edith Cavell, an English nurse in Belgium, is executed by Germans for aiding the escape of Allied prisoners.

1942
In the Battle of Cape Esperance, near the Solomon Islands, U.S. cruisers and destroyers decisively defeat a Japanese task force in a night surface encounter.

1944
To Have And Have Not premieres.

1945
Negotiations between Nationalist leader Chiang Kai-shek and Communist leader Mao Tse-tung break down. Nationalist and Communist troops are soon engaged in a civil war.

1950
The Federal Communications Commission authorizes the Columbia Broadcasting System (CBS) to begin commercial color TV broadcasts.

1962
Pope John XXIII opens the 21st Ecumenical Council (Vatican II) with a call for Christian unity. This is the largest gathering of the Roman Catholic hierarchy in history; among delegate-observers are representatives of major Protestant denominations, in itself a sign of sweeping change.

1968
Apollo 7, with three men aboard, is successfully launched from Cape Kennedy.

1972
A French mission in Vietnam is destroyed by a U.S. bombing raid.

1975
Bill Clinton marries Hilary Rodham.

1976
The so-called "Gang of Four," Chairman Mao Tse-tung's widow and three associates, are arrested in Peking, setting in motion an extended period of turmoil in the Chinese Communist Party.

1991
Confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas begin.

2002
President Jimmy Carter wins the Nobel Peace Prize.

Born on October 11

1820 - Sir George Williams, founder of the YMCA.
1844 - Henry Heinz, manufacturer, founder of H.J. Heinz Co.
1884 - Eleanor Roosevelt, wife of President Franklin Roosevelt.
1885 - Francois Mauriac, Nobel Prize-winning novelist.
1887 - Willie Hoppe, billiards champion.
1910 - Joseph Alsop, American journalist.
1918 - Jerome Robbins, choreographer, won Oscar for West Side Story.
1919 - Art Blakey, jazz drummer.
1925 - Elmore Leonard
1962 - Joan Cusack
1966 - Luke Perry
1966 - Nancy Depper

"Life begins at forty." ~W. B. Pitkin

Great Moments In Comic Book History

"How much more black could this be?"

Almost Blue

If you watch Project Runway you've probably already seen this. If you don't watch Project Runway you probably don't even want to see it. So basically I am providing absolutely nothing for absolutely nobody. Somebody call my dad! I've finally amounted to something! Ahhh, my life is finally complete.

Cartertop

Look, I'm not even gonna' pretend I understand what's going on here. I can't even guarantee I'll remember seeing it in three hours. Most likely my brain will repress it in an attempt to save my mind from whatever horrors it was meant to cause. I suspect the pictures weren't even taken with a camera, but rather manifested by the thoughts of some girl sitting alone in a room facing the corner. And when you flip her around to see who you're dealing with you realize she doesn't have a face!

I Am Jack's Jinx

Okay, I'd just lost one game after winning all four games the week before, right? So, the joke in that week's football blog? The joke was that I lead with a photo of that Dallas Texans football helmet... the Dallas Texans being the "losingest" team in NFL history, of course. HaHa. "I'm a loser, I just lost one game!" See, it's hyperbole. It's funny!

Yeah... "funny" 'till you wake up Tuesday morning and realize you jinxed yourself with that goddam photo, and you've just gone 2-2 for the week. Funny as a crutch, Rich.

Yup. Won two. Lost two. Here in the ol' Yahoo office league? Lost. Got hammered, thanks. See?

1. Go Frenchy!! 4-0-0
2. AllStar Chuck Norris 4-0-0
3. San Diego Zoo 4-0-0
4. Arsenal 4-0-0
5. Cincinnati Steamers 4-0-0
6. Tropical Depressions 3-1-0
7. Chuck A Ducks 2-2-0
8. Owens R Us 2-2-0
9. Rusty Trombones 2-2-0
10. Ninerjunky08 2-2-0
11. MB Blitz 2-2-0
12. Hot Pipin Carl 2-2-0
13. DEM HOODSTARZ 2-2-0
14. san jose 49ers 2-2-0
15. Anal Tongue Darts 1-3-0
16. mmmmmm..beer 0-4-0
17. Jumers Junkies 0-4-0
18. Blitzburgh 0-4-0
19. I Miss Baseball 0-4-0
20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-4-0

It's kinda' astounding how many 4-0 teams are left. This week I'm playing one of the myriad of 2-2 teams... of course, I hope it goes well for me, but my #1 QB is on a bye and my #2? He's facing the friggin' Bears (yes, the same Bears who demolished my Seahawks last Sunday night, thanks for asking), so it could be a long day for my QB in the Yahoo league. Meanwhile, Robert continues his fantasy football dominance, and sports a 4-0 record... and Tony? Still has a huge point total, and a good match-up this week, so he's hanging right in there with me.

Speaking of pals, here's the league we all share:

Wealth & Beauty

West Division
Team
cannon ball 4 0 0
The Punctuation 2 2 0
Omegahedrons 2 2 0
Charlatans EC 0 4 0

Central Division
Team
The Mighty Bosh 4 0 0
CBS Sportsline.com sucks 2 2 0
Nadia's Team 2 2 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 1 3 0

East Division
Team
Potato 2 2 0
Carl 2 2 0
Arsenal 2 2 0
Minny's Meanies 1 3 0

I won! Good for me! Sad thing is, at this point it doesn't make much of a difference, since Nancy, Joe and I share the division with the league leader, who's enjoying a 4-0 record. Swell. At least Nancy's in second. Speaking of second, Tony's nabbed second in his division, while Robert has climbed up to third in his. Oh... and Joe? Still last in our division. Maybe he got a Dallas Texans tattoo last week.

Now here's my solo league:

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Team
Steel Curtain 3 1 0
Cowboys from Hell 3 1 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 2 2 0
Florida Dolphins 0 4 0

East Division
Team
James Gang 3 1 0
Ash Kickers 3 1 0
Second Stringers 2 2 0
Fightin' Squid 2 2 0

West Division
Team
from bittercreek 3 1 0
Denton County Saints 2 2 0
packers 1 3 0
TPDG 0 4 0

Yup. Lost. Oh, and I lost my perch in first in my division too, dammit. Dropped to third. Dammit.

The good news? The good news is I'm 4-0 here:

Idiots Legue

East Division
Team
Blue Meanies 4 0 0
goldminers 1 3 0
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 1 3 0
The Steamrollers 1 3 0

Central Division
Team
Pigs 3 1 0
Viagracide 3 1 0
Customs Cavity Searchers 2 2 0
Mighty Hamsters 2 2 0

West Division
Team
San Diego THUNDER 2 2 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 2 2 0
FesturingTaserWound 2 2 0
WARLORDS 1 3 0

My other win for the week! So far I'm that guy everybody curses for being so dominant! I'm never that guy! I wish I could say I was cocky about that... mostly I'm cautious. The other good news? Nancy won too! Color both of us tickled pink!

So what did we learn this week, kids? We learned not to tempt fate, and that we can't quite trust Brian Westbrook's knee. I have an answer to that first problem... that second one may prove to be more challenging....

"I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?"
Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can't I see that we're all manifestations of love?
I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong.
We are not special.
We are not crap or trash either. We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, "No, that's not right."
Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything."
~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Are You A Decepticon Or A Decepticont?

Aren't you sick of movies communicating someone else's ideas into a coherent story? Don't you wish you could interject random dialogue you thought of without having any prior knowledge of how it would possibly fit in? Thanks to a new contest at Transformers.com, that wish is becoming an ill-conceived reality. Simply click the link above, choose "Make Prime Speak," type in a line you want to hear Optimus Prime say in the form, submit, and if yours is chosen you'll get to hear it spoken in Michael Bay's upcoming Transformers movie!

Bots? Get walkin'.

"It's almost time, kids. The clock is ticking. Be in front of your TV sets for the Horrorthon, followed by the Big Giveaway. Don't miss it. And don't forget to wear your masks. The clock is ticking. It's almost time."

He told me enough....

Cobra Commander is my copilot.

Remember when Nicolas Cage was cool?

This new poster for Ghost Rider is good if only because it will provide a valuable artifact when future generations wonder why our civilization failed. Actually, that is the only good thing about it.

Die Hard 4: Die Balder

Y'know, I was going to caption this as "First look at John McClane in Live Free or Die Hard," but doesn't "Don't touch Grandpa's medicine" work just as well?

P.S. If anyone is wondering why John McClane is now bald, it's because Bruce Willis is bald. Easy as that.

There are no words. Lines? Sure. But no words.

Sideupdownwaysoverwhatever.

They're All There For You