Tuesday, April 19, 2005

I Want to Believe

Technology is cool.

If you buy the story that we "landed" on the "moon" (That's right... "moon." I'm not the only one who thinks the moon* is made-up. Dammit.), you're impressed by the endeavor, I'm sure. But what did a Saturn V ever do for you? The space program's great if you hate monkeys and love scorched earth... but you know what really makes it all worthwhile?

Spray-on cheese.

It's thanks to NASA that I can spray cheese -say it again: "SPRAAAAAAAY CHEEEEEEEEEEESE"- on my crackers. At will. That's a giant leap for mankind, know what I'm sayin'?

So, while strapping a bomb to your ass and launching yourself at what is quite likely an imaginary satellite is swell... standing in the kitchen in your pajamas and spraying nacho cheddar cheese on a Wheat Thin is, hands down, the superior achievement. Go on, whack a golf ball on another planetary body's surface! Have at it! I just sprayed cheese!

Same story for the Google Map software. Sure, it's designed for finding your way to the movies, but you'll benefit most by never leaving your chair... and scoping out Brad Pitt's tool shed... or the ass-end of Angelina Jolie's Pacer... or Area 51.

I can't promise you'll get any canned cheese or aluminum foil out of the experience... but enlightenment doesn't suck.

*It's been pointed out to me that I have a moon phase indicator on this very page. Yeah. So? I vote too! What's your point? You don't want to sell me any death sticks... you want to go home and rethink your life....

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