I Am Jack's Humble Pie

Remember last week? When I went 4-0? Those were good times.

This week? I went 3-1. I almost won every game... except for that one... that one I lost. "Gee, Chris!" you ask. "Who'd you lose to, you fantasy football stud, you?" Why, funny you should ask! I lost to my beloved, fantasy football savant wife, Nancy! Could you believe cocktails?

Let's start with a league I didn't lose in, shall we? The office Yahoo league. Take a looksee.

Yahoo League

1. AllStar Chuck Norris 3-0-0
2. Go Frenchy!! 3-0-0
3. San Diego Zoo 3-0-0
4. Arsenal 3-0-0
5. Tropical Depressions 3-0-0
6. Cincinnati Steamers 3-0-0
7. Chuck A Ducks 2-1-0
8. Ninerjunky08 2-1-0
9. san jose 49ers 2-1-0
10. Owens R Us 1-2-0
11. Rusty Trombones 1-2-0
12. MB Blitz 1-2-0
13. Hot Pipin Carl 1-2-0
14. Anal Tongue Darts 1-2-0
15. DEM HOODSTARZ 1-2-0
16. mmmmmm..beer 0-3-0
17. Jumers Junkies 0-3-0
18. Blitzburgh 0-3-0
19. I Miss Baseball 0-3-0
20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-3-0

That's right, sports fans! I won! 3-0 in that league! I scratched my way up to fourth! It was a big game, 'cause like I said last week, if I lost (to Tony), Tony was gonna' shoot right past me in the rankings, and the odds of me catching him were... what's the word... "slim." Luckily (for me, anyway) I won. The bad news is I'm facing another tough opponent this week who, unfortunately, just noticed his QB is on a bye this week, and started his only other QB option who -until this week- had never started a game. Dammit. So I lost that edge. Dammit. So now... well, it doesn't look good for going 4-0 there... dammit.

While you were sleeping, over in that league I'm soldiering on all on my own? I won! I'm in first place in my division. That, my friends, does not suck.

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Team
Mos Eisley Marauders 2 1 0
Steel Curtain 2 1 0
Cowboys from Hell 2 1 0
Florida Dolphins 0 3 0

East Division
Team
James Gang 2 1 0
Ash Kickers 2 1 0
Fightin' Squid 1 2 0
Second Stringers 1 2 0

West Division
Team
from bittercreek 3 0 0
Denton County Saints 2 1 0
packers 1 2 0
TPDG 0 3 0

This week I'm playing the #2 guy in my division, so yeah... that matters.

In case you were wondering, in the league Nancy and I share alone? I won!

Idiots Legue

East Division
Team
Blue Meanies 3 0 0
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 1 2 0
The Steamrollers 1 2 0
goldminers 1 2 0

Central Division
Team
Pigs 2 1 0
Viagracide 2 1 0
Customs Cavity Searchers 1 2 0
Mighty Hamsters 1 2 0

West Division
Team
San Diego THUNDER 2 1 0
FesturingTaserWound 2 1 0
WARLORDS 1 2 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 1 2 0

I didn't play Nancy this week in this league, so I managed to squeak out the win. Once again, I'm leading my division (at 3-0), and by some miracle I'm the only 3-0 team in the entire league. I'm not sure what to say about that but "Cool."

Finally... here's where Nancy spanked me silly:

Wealth & Beauty

West Division
Team
cannon ball 3 0 0
The Punctuation 2 1 0
Omegahedrons 1 2 0
Charlatans EC 0 3 0

Central Division
Team
The Mighty Bosh 3 0 0
Nadia's Team 2 1 0
CBS Sportsline.com sucks 1 2 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 0 3 0

East Division
Team
Potato 2 1 0
Carl 2 1 0
Minny's Meanies 1 2 0
Arsenal 1 2 0

She not only had twice my score, but she finished with the highest score of the week. She dominated. She ruled. She, quite simply, kicked my ass. I couldn't be prouder of her... or in less of a hurry to play her again....

"Last week I tapped a guy and he and I got on the list for a fight. This guy must've had a bad week, got both my arms behind my head in a full nelson and rammed my face into the concrete floor until my teeth bit open the inside of my cheek and my eye was swollen shut and was bleeding, and after I said, stop, I could look down and there was a print of half my face in blood on the floor.

I shake the guy's hand and say, good fight.

This guy, he says, "How about next week?"

I try to smile against all the swelling, and I say, look at me, How about next month?"

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Iron Man Lives Again

Finally!

Ending months of speculation, it was officially announced that the role of Tony Stark, the millionaire hero of Iron Man in Jon Favreau's upcoming comic book adaptation, will be played by Robert Downey Jr. I have to say, I like the casting. Anything that keeps him out of jail or rehab.

Though this puts to rest the question of a lead in the picture, Ozzy Osbourne has brought up some other valid inquiries about Iron Man: Has he lost his mind? Can he see or is he blind? Can he walk at all? Or if he moves, will he fall? Is he alive or dead? Has he thoughts... within his head?

I've Been Waiting For You

Tonight. 8:00. At last.

Stick it to the man.

Draggin' quest.

No Sleep 'till Fresno

I know the odds are slim, but perhaps it was a moment of clarity that lead Kevin Federline to drop PopoZao from his debut CD Playing With Fire and reportedly (and with no irony whatsoever) replace it with a duet with Britney Spears called Crazy. Additionally, a rapper who had claimed to write most of the lyrics for K-Fed articulately told the New York Daily News: "I didn't have nothing to do with that, dog."

I wonder why everybody is suddenly distancing themselves from what I believe is the greatest song ever written in the history of sound. Did Leonardo DaVinci pretend he didn't paint the Mona Lisa? Was Michelangelo ashamed of the Sistine Chapel? Perhaps we've forgotten just how powerful and moving Federline's tribute to Brazilian ass is. And if that's the case, my friends, then the terrorists have truly won.

Curses!

Here's what I don't get: Shaun Alexander worked his ass off for a contract with the Seahawks. He collared the rushing title; he was MVP. He was responsible for half of the Seahawks total offense. He earned a 62-million, 8-year contract and was looking forward to taking his team back to the Super Bowl in '07. Everything was coming up roses, daffodils and Shaun Alexander... so why on earth did he cash that check from EA Sports?

Why oh why did you let yourself be this year's Madden coverboy, Shaun?

Oh, the humanity.

John Madden lives in an estate in Blackhawk. Someone drive over there and kick him in the ass. Thanks.

Go... sigh... go Hawks.

It's all fun and games 'till a falling spike impales you.

Full-time killer; undercover angel.

I Am Jack's Utter Disbelief

Week 2 is in the books, and by some miracle I finished 4-0.

That is to say, I played 4 games, and won 4 games, leaving 0 games un-won. I won every game. I lost none. So, if you figure that out of 4 games I won 4, and lost 0, that makes me... what's the term... "undefeated" for the week.

I am a fantasy football super genius.

Well, this week anyway.

Lookee:

Wealth & Beauty

East Division
Team
Potato 2 0 0
Minny's Meanies 1 1 0
Carl 1 1 0
Arsenal 0 2 0

Central Division
Team
The Mighty Bosh 2 0 0
CBS Sportsline.com sucks 1 1 0
Nadia's Team 1 1 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 0 2 0

West Division
Team
cannon ball 2 0 0
The Punctuation 1 1 0
Omegahedrons 1 1 0
Charlatans EC 0 2 0

Even more amazing than my win? Robert somehow lost again. He's off to an 0-2 start while the rest of us are chugging along at 1-1. Well, by the "rest of us" I mean everyone but Robert and, sadly, Joe. Joe's off to a less-than-stellar start... ummmm, no thanks to Nancy and I, since we're the ones who beat him the last two weeks. Oops.

Over in the ol' lone wolf league? I won!

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Team
Cowboys from Hell 2 0 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 1 1 0
Steel Curtain 1 1 0
Florida Dolphins 0 2 0

East Division
Team
James Gang 2 0 0
Fightin' Squid 1 1 0
Ash Kickers 1 1 0
Second Stringers 0 2 0

West Division
Team
from bittercreek 2 0 0
packers 1 1 0
Denton County Saints 1 1 0
TPDG 0 2 0

I won! Did I mention that? It is, though, another one of those leagues that I share with the top-ranked team in the league, so despite my peformance, I'm stuck in 2nd behind the #1 team overall. You take the good and you take the bad, I guess... right Alan?

In the league Nancy and I share with nameless strangers? I won!

Idiots Legue

East Division
Team
Blue Meanies 2 0 0
The Steamrollers 1 1 0
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 1 1 0
goldminers 0 2 0

Central Division
Team
Pigs 2 0 0
Viagracide 1 1 0
Mighty Hamsters 1 1 0
Customs Cavity Searchers 0 2 0

West Division
Team
FesturingTaserWound 2 0 0
San Diego THUNDER 1 1 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 1 1 0
WARLORDS 0 2 0

I'm off to a 2-0 start here, and ruling my division. Nancy's doing well with a 1-1, and is probably more annoyed with the guy in her division who spells "festering" with a "u" than with her record. Well, for now, anyway.

Finally, in the office Yahoo league? I won!

Yahoo League

1. AllStar Chuck Norris 2-0-0
2. San Diego Zoo 2-0-0
3. Go Frenchy!! 2-0-0
4. Cincinnati Steamers 2-0-0
5. Arsenal 2-0-0
6. Tropical Depressions 2-0-0
7. Owens R Us 1-1-0
8. Rusty Trombones 1-1-0
9. Chuck A Ducks 1-1-0
10. Ninerjunky08 1-1-0
11. MB Blitz 1-1-0
12. DEM HOODSTARZ 1-1-0
13. Hot Pipin Carl 1-1-0
14. san jose 49ers 1-1-0
15. Anal Tongue Darts 0-2-0
16. Jumers Junkies 0-2-0
17. mmmmmm..beer 0-2-0
18. Blitzburgh 0-2-0
19. I Miss Baseball 0-2-0
20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-2-0

I'm off to another 2-0 start! Based on the current standings, the good news is my schedule looks pretty good. The bad news is I play Tony this Sunday, and though his record is worse than mine, his points are through the roof, so I'll certainly drop in the rankings if I lose. So I'm gonna' try to not do that. Lose, I mean. I've been doing some research, and that seems like a sound plan.

"One minute was enough, Tyler said, a person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the effort. A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection." ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Dancing With The "Star"

Forgive me, Lindsay!

Lindsay Lohan was spotted outside The Lot doing what can only be described as high karate kicks in between her cigarette puffs. If you watch the video you can even hear the paparazzi muttering with confused horror as they watch. "Is that her right there? Oh my God, that is Lindsay. She's got the cast on." Yeah, I wouldn't know what to make of it either. All this time we thought Lindsay was breaking her limbs slipping at parties and in showers when really she's just been keeping our streets safe from invisible monsters. She didn't name her legs "Justice" and "Fury" for nothing.

Thank you, Lindsay Lohan! Thank you for keeping us all safe from invisible parking lot monsters!

Couldn't Stand The Weather

Either really cool or really sad depending on how old you are and whether or not you've had sex before.

Fully Loaded

I swore to Julie this wouldn't ever be the "Lindsay Lohan Watch" blog, but dammit! I'm not made of stone, people!

"Lindsay Lohan was rushed to the hospital last Saturday after slipping and falling at a Fashion Week party and fracturing her wrist. Her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, said the 20-year-old actress slipped and fell at the Milk Studios in New York, fracturing her wrist in two places. She was taken to St. Vincent's Hospital, and Sloane said Lindsay's mother drove in from Long Island to meet her. Sloane added that "there's a pending investigation" into the accident, after Lohan claimed Milk Studios didn't take proper measures to prevent slips on the slick ground."

We all remember how back in May Lindsay slipped and broke her foot trying to get out of the shower so this is sort of like her thing now. She's Lindsay Lohan, the girl who slips and breaks things. And if Lindsay Lohan, the girl who slips and breaks things, is serious about "investigating" the accident she could save herself a lot of time and effort by just asking random people to call her a dumbass. Because that's what the police will be doing when they receive a call from Linday Lohan asking them to stop tracking down murderers and look into why she falls down all the time.

NOTE: The answer, by the way, rhymes with "balcohol."

SPF Factor

Nobody ever accused Britney and K-fed of being bright.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reportedly named their newborn son Sutton Pierce Federline, though they've yet to confirm the naming or even the fact that they've given birth. Coincidentally (or maybe on purpose but that would be really sad) Sutton Pierce now shares the same initials as his older brother, Sean Preston Federline. Which is fun for like three hours, but then it's gonna suck when they need to buy matching embroidered handkerchiefs. "And why would they need embroidered handkerchiefs?" you might ask. Well how else are they supposed to look snooty as they blow their noses or surrender to the opposing army with a makeshift white flag? Huh, smartass? Next time think before you ask stupid questions.

In Your Satin Tights, Fighting For Your Rights

Someone get Seth some oxygen!

Bang Showbiz (among others) reported recently that Rachel Bilson has been cast to play Wonder Woman in the big screen adaptation written and directed by "Buffy" and "Serenity" mastermind Joss Whedon. The wire reports don't say much, only that Warner Bothers has made no official confirmation and that our beloved Summer beat out such acting legends as Cameron Diaz, Catherine Zeta Jones and Kate Beckinsale for the part.

If you're wondering how Rachel would look dressed up as Wonder Woman, the answer is, “exactly like this." And if you’re wondering what's the difference between a house and a home, a house is just a building, a home is filled with love.

I Am Jack's .500 Record

The hardest thing about football season? The balancing act.

Me? I don't care much about the games, just about my players. I watch the games to see how my players do... but I watch the games, y'understand. So Sundays become a TV wasteland for us. I do chores, and putter about, so it's not a total loss... but what we don't do is leave the house. Nancy couldn't be sweeter about it, but that doesn't change the fact that even I know that going outside is kinda' okay, and that it's even advisable on one of the two days off we get to share. So some days we stay in, and others? We go out. Last Sunday? We stayed in, and I went 2-2. Lookee.

First, the office Yahoo league. I won. Yay.

For some reason I always seem to ride the middle of the league, no matter the size. Maybe it's a metaphor. Maybe it's a coincidence. But there I am. In the middle.

1. AllStar Chuck Norris 1-0-0
2. Go Frenchy!! 1-0-0
3. Chuck A Ducks 1-0-0
4. San Diego Zoo 1-0-0
5. Cincinnati Steamers 1-0-0
6. Arsenal 1-0-0
7. MB Blitz 1-0-0
8. Tropical Depressions 1-0-0
9. Hot Pipin Carl 1-0-0
10. DEM HOODSTARZ 1-0-0
11. Owens R Us 0-1-0
12. Rusty Trombones 0-1-0
13. Jumers Junkies 0-1-0
14. san jose 49ers 0-1-0
15. Anal Tongue Darts 0-1-0
16. Ninerjunky08 0-1-0
17. mmmmmm..beer 0-1-0
18. Blitzburgh 0-1-0
19. Pig Skins & Beer 0-1-0
20. I Miss Baseball 0-1-0

Tony, it should be noted, had the third highest score in the league, and still lost. I don't know what to say about that but "That sucks." It does, too.

Meanwhile, in the only league all of us are in... take a look:

Wealth & Beauty

West Division
cannon ball 1 0
The Punctuation 1 0
Omegahedrons 0 1
Charlatans EC 0 1

Central Division
The Mighty Bosh 1 0
CBS Sportsline.com sucks 1 0
Nadia's Team 0 1
Candy Cave Dwellers 0 1

East Division
Carl 1 0
Potato 1 0
Minny's Meanies 0 1
Arsenal 0 1

First of all, amazingly, Robert lost. I'm speechless. I am without speech. In other league news, Joe, Nancy and I are in the same division, so pretty much no matter what that won't end well. This week though, Nancy was the only one who won of the three of us. Next week? I'm playing Joe... brother against brother. Maybe next Saturday's blog will be delivered on the back of an envelope.

Over in another league (the only league in which I'm going solo):

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Steel Curtain 1 0
Cowboys from Hell 1 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 0 1
Florida Dolphins 0 1

East Division
Fightin' Squid 1 0
James Gang 1 0
Ash Kickers 0 1
Second Stringers 0 1

West Division
packers 1 0
from bittercreek 1 0
Denton County Saints 0 1
TPDG 0 1

Yup. I lost. I'm sure I have an excuse.

Finally, in the league Nancy and I share:

Idiots Legue

East Division
The Steamrollers 1 0
Blue Meanies 1 0
goldminers 0 1
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 0 1

Central Division
Pigs 1 0
Viagracide 1 0
Customs Cavity Searchers 0 1
Mighty Hamsters 0 1

West Division
San Diego THUNDER 1 0
FesturingTaserWound 1 0
WARLORDS 0 1
Mrs. The Lunatic 0 1

I won. Nancy lost. There you go.

So we're off to week 2! My star wide receiver? Out with a sore heel or some such nonsense. The good news is that this season none of my players tackled a bench and are already out for the season. Yes, that happened to me once. Quit laughing. You try planning for bench tackles. Let me know how that works out for you. See, it's all true, and it's all a metaphor.

Watch out for benches.

"By this time next week, each guy on the Assault Committee has to pick a fight where he won't come out a hero. And not in fight club. This is harder than it sounds. A man on the street will do anything not to fight. The idea is to take some Joe on the street who's never been in a fight and recruit him. Let him experience winning for the first time in his life. Get him to explode. Give him permission to beat the crap out of you. You can take it. If you win, you screwed up. "What we have to do, people," Tyler told the committee, "is remind these guys what kind of power they still have." "
~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

You're Gonna' Get Burned

Your Scout master was right. Just don't do it.

That Sense of Enterprise

I've said this before, but one of the things I love about Star Trek? It's crap.

Better than that. It's crappy.

The sets suck. The costumes suck. The writing often sucks. The effects suck... but that's all just part of its charm, and part of how it makes such an impact on people like me, watching TV, hoping for something better to come along, literally and metaphorically.

Well now, Paramount says something better is coming along, and it's Star Trek HD. They've revamped the effects. They've re-recorded the theme song. They've digitally altered the planetside exteriors so that we can't see the boom shadows on the horizon. They've remastered the whole shebang, my friends.

At first I was aghast... but I've come to realize I'm looking forward to seeing what they've done. As long as the beloved, chewy core of the show stays the same -overwrought, earnest writing, hammy acting and overplayed themes to which we can all relate- why, I'll be thrilled to see an Enterprise that doesn't slide through space, and to not see matte lines surrounding the Galilleo 7 and the doomsday machine.

The simple fact is, they could transform the entire cast into talking pot holders, and I'd still watch, and most likely enjoy it... as long as I always knew I could pop in a DVD of Let That Be Your Last Battlefield and see the gloriously unaltered original any time I wanted. Thankfully, Paramount has not doggedly followed the Gospel of Saint Lucas on this point, and I can -and will- do just that. I'll watch the episodes -altered and unaltered- side by side each week, you can count on that.

Every Little Step She Takes

Just when you thought it could never happen, a rep for Whitney Houston has confirmed that she filed for divorce from Bobby Brown last Friday. I'd congratulate her on the smart move, but the decision took her 14 years longer than it should have. Taking your hand out of a toaster is smart. Waiting three days to do it? Not so much. Although considering this I guess we should just be thankful she doesn't spend her nights crawling toothless down the street offering to sell her house for crack money.