High Dynamic Range Against The Machines

For those of you who aren't familiar with "High Dynamic Range" photography, it's pretty neat. Basically you take several photos of the exact same scene using different exposure values. That way you get photos that have the darkest darks, and other with the lightest lights. Then you combine the photos (Photoshop even has an option for this) and presto, High Dynamic Range. A lot of the pictures turn out otherworldy, and because I don't actually know anything about photography or art, I think they look like they were rendered for a video game. Which is cool. See?

Fog Lite

You know what a fan I am of alcohol-inspired art, but even I have to admit that the GAT Fog pretty much makes the bar of alcohol-inspired art nigh unreachable for other alocohol-inspired artists.

GAT stands for -get this- "Gin And Tonic"! It's a fog made out of gin and tonic -- brilliant! I mean, I've been looking for easier ways to get drunk, and those alcohol-soaked suppositories have started to chafe my butt. Now I'll just make a fog machine and fill 'er to the brim with burboun. Oh happy day! I'm going to try it right now, I'll let you know how it goes.

UPDATE: Ofkay its eems to haave worksed. IT dfeinitely sucseeded in mkaing me smelll drukn. hOly shite it is drunk i n hear. TJHis room is wiizaasssted! iT cant' evan stay stil l. OMJWTG! aT frist i oclouldnt tell iF i wash getitng drukn SO i put my mouthe overe the fog noozle BU T THE N I FEEL ALSEEP! i wokes up PLIZAATARD. !!!!QQQQQQQQQQQAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZ

Power Up!

This Super Mario inspired shirt from 80sTees is dirty because of the double meaning in the message. While it's perfectly fine for Mario to hit a couple question blocks, it's the other meaning that makes it so naughty. My mom would never in a million years let me buy this shirt. Because when you say "I'd hit that" what you mean is that you'd "ride that wave", "get mad play", and/or "tap that". All of which have sexual connotations -- and that's just tacky. What is not tacky is the t-shirt I have that features a little cartoon man stealing a TV from a burning building with the phrase "I'd attack that ass like a looter in a riot". That thing is all class. Thanks Grandma!

It's The Least You Can Do

Rocket Men

God I Wish I Was Kidding

There's certainly no shortage of work to do these days, and Regis knows I don't have any time to gag lollies... yet at the strangest times throughout the afternoon I found my thoughts returning to this question: "Are there any female breakfast cereal mascots?"

Seriously. Here are all of the mascots I could think of today:


He's the sensitive, bumbling Phil Donahue of cereal mascots.


The chef(s) get points for the aprons, but it's still a male-dominated industry... and cereal box.


It doesn't really get any manlier than Tony the Tiger, does it?


What the Trix rabbit lacks in testosterone, he more than makes up for with guile.


We'll be revisiting the idea of forcing gender roles on the undead. Still, you can't argue the fact that the Yummy Mummy is a dude.


Only a wolfen bachelor would buy himself a rainbow-colored vest.


Alien, sure... but all man, my friends.


He's got that weird androgynous quality, and he may not be as masculine as Patti Smith, but he's 100% XY.


Clowns are men too. Even the crying ones.


Toucan or phallic symbol? You make the call!


Pink? Yup. Dead? You bet. Dude? Oh yeah.


Treasure-grubbing, self-loving... sounds like a man to me.


He's not the "Countess Chocula" now, is he?


Dude. And he abides.

I almost gave this one a pass since it's named after a girl ("Pebbles," I mean. Not one of the never-ending progression of exotic dancers or porn stars named "Coco"). Sadly, the name doesn't give the misogynists on the box any excuse. Tough break, Fred. Screw you, Barney.


Yeah, it's the Captain's mess, but I have a feeling he won't be cleaning it up. Welcome to 1956, Cap'n!


Who gave Tucker Carlson a breakfast cereal, anyway?


Really? (Clearly male) frogs and breakfast? The ad men at Kellogg's were high all of the time.


Elves? Pixies? Fairies? Dunno... but I count three Adam's Apples.

So there you go. I can't think of a single female breakfast cereal mascot, and believe me, I've tried. This, by the way, is the reason Nancy always walks away softly sobbing into her hands after she asks me the question "What're you thinking?"

You Really Got Me

Well folks, it's official: playing the air guitar is real, can now make actual music... and is still pretty sad and pathetic, really.

Featured at CES 2008, the Jada Air Guitar Rocker is a special little amp and belt buckle that make the magic happen. The buckle detects your strumming from a special pick and plays the next chord in the song via a speaker. All you have to do to make the song sound good is strum at the proper tempo. Which, by default, makes you look like you're playing with yourself. And that's not necessarily a bad thing -- it works great for clearing out seats on a crowded bus. Trust me, I know my perverted friend knows.

He Loves Him Some Him

K-Fed is trying to make it as a producer and no longer holds aspirations of being a rap artist. He’s currently “nurturing” new artists from his home studio (one can only assume/hope that it's in Fresno) so he can be closer to his boys, according to E! Online:

"He loves the music business and is committed to making it a career for himself, even if it's not as a singer. He knows no one will ever take him seriously as a performer, so he's working behind the scenes as a producer."

I imagine Kevin is drawing on his experience watching Britney’s career implode to help him become a producer. Now he knows what not to do to succeed starting with Rule #1 in Kevin’s studio: “Don’t be bringing no white-boy dancer husbands in here.” Guy’s a fast learner.

Super-- Man Alive....

Oooooooooooooooooo

What's New, Pussycat?

Not that I really needed any further proof that the world is doomed but for all of you out there that weren't convinced: Kitty Wigs.


Kitty Wigs are exactly what they sound like and cost a mere $50 each. The colors, in case you couldn't tell, are pink passion, bashful blonde, silver fox, and electric blue. Each comes in a special metal storage case and includes a rattle toy so your cat will look at you when you try to take pictures of it. What is not included is a certificate that your cat can redeem to restore its dignity and self respect after they've been stripped from the poor creature because you're a sicko.

You're A Geek Like Me

Don't Ignore The Lynch Gob!

All I can say is, here's further proof that David Lynch is a great director, and an even greater madman. He's right, but still crazy as a sack of Tony Littles.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

So it turns out that Kevin Federline had many reasons to be concerned on Thursday night when Britney Spears initiated a standoff with the police and locked herself in her bedroom with the children. The most alarming reason: K-Fed knew Britney kept a handgun in that room. He had given it to her for a birthday present, according to one of his friends who spoke to News of the World:

"K-Fed, 29, panicked on Thursday night after realising the fallen pop
princess kept the handgun—a Beretta 92FS—in the master bedroom where she was
holding the kids, Jayden James, one, and Sean Preston, two. Convinced that in
her out-of-control state she would use the weapon to kill the lads then turn it
on her herself, the wannabe rapper rang his lawyers who alerted the authorities.
"Kevin knew she was on the edge and might snap at any time. "Knowing there were
TWO firearms in the house, including the Beretta, he wasn't taking any chances—
hence the massive police response."

That, my friends, is some chilling shit. Who the hell gives Britney Spears a handgun for a birthday present? Lokk here, sunny Jim, it’s not like their marriage wasn’t rocky from the start: “Hey, baby, I know you hate me using your credit card and partying and stuff. But, uh, here’s a handgun. Happy Birthday, gorgeous!"

Fantasy Recap: Don't Dream It's Over

For added poignancy, click the arrow, then read on.

So let's get that final playoff game out of the way, shall we?

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 210.90-234.17

Yup. Lost. It was close, but a pretty pathetic game all around, all things considered.

Before we get to the final standings in each league, I promised you a comparison of projected outcomes to actual outcomes. It's time for the results show! The various fantasy gurus guessed right 40 times, and guessed incorrectly 37 times. I guess what this really means is that the projections don't really mean anything. Good thing I conducted a 17-week study of the phenomenon. Next we'll cover why there's air.

The final standings:

In the my Yahoo! league? I clawed my way up to 5th.

*1. Arsenal 11-2-0

*2. Night Train 10-3-0

*3. MightyPurpleHelmets 8-5-0

*4. De chier des bulles 9-4-0

*5. Blue Blazer Regulars 8-5-0

*6. Extreme Hummingbird 5-8-0

7. Snooze Alarm 5-8-0

8. LiL Man 4-9-0

9. Purple People Eaters 4-9-0

10. Intercepticons 1-12-0

Nancy finished 4h, and Robert managed to win the whole shebang. Joe? Joe wound up in 7th... not that there's anything wrong with that.

In the office Yahoo! league:

*1. BALCO 11-3-0
*2. Mitchell Comission 11-3-0
*3. Death by Haiku 10-4-0
*4. The Flying Frenchman 9-5-0
*5. The Pastry Ducks 8-6-0
*6. San Diego Zoo 8-6-0
*7. LightsOut 7-7-0
*8. Livefree; Rhymehard 6-8-0
9. Bliss's Blitzers 5-9-0
10. Baby Bashers 5-9-0
11. The Tony Danza's 4-10-0
12. ativan stat 0-14-0

I finished in 8th... sigh. came THIS close to finishing 7th though! Tony, meanwhile, had an awesome season and after being in first for most of 17 weeks, finished in 3rd overall. An impressive run, I must say.

In my NFL.COM league:

East
Catchers in the Rye 9-6-0
Eau Claire Vandals 6-8-0
Textboo 6-8-0
LacesOu 5-9-0

Central
Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 11-4-1
Death by Haiku 2 6-8-0
RumseyB 5-9-0
Goregor 3-10-1

West
DredPir 12-4-0
HolyHan 9-5-0
Mothers 9-6-0
Underdo 5-9-0

Top of my division, but finished overall 5th.

In that really, really crappy league:

Central
UsualSu 10-5-1
Clemson 7-5-2
LofasLa 7-6-1
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 5-8-1

East
BBbadbo 10-6-0
Knights 8-6-0
FBomber 8-7-0
royals1 6-8-0

West
TeamAlp 7-7-1
YounGGu 6-8-0
FifeFan 5-9-0
Lynchbe 5-9-0

Not only did I finish last in my division, I finished last overall. By the way, this was the league where I kinda' forgot about the draft, and never ranked my players. Finishing last is a high price to pay for proving myself right aboutthe need to spend weeks poring over player rankings and offensive line rosters, but hey, I was right after all. And last. But mostly right.

And in that league where I went undefeated for-almost-ever, and then lost in the first round of the playoffs:

Central
Powerful Mach 5! 12-3-0
Provide 6-8-0
JediMas 6-8-0
Bigbron 4-10-0

East
NEPats 10-5-0
Baldeag 8-6-0
Skeleto 3-11-0
ItaliHe 2-12-0

West
Xchucki 14-2-0
Provide 10-6-0
KNIGHTS 7-7-0
Breakin 5-9-0

Finished first in my division here as well, but third overall. All in all, my best fantasy season ever, right here in a league I joined as an afterthought at the 11th hour.

So there you have it! Another fantasy football season come and gone. I enjoyed both my best and worst seasons ever, but more than anything I enjoyed watching Nancy win a championship, and seeing people like Rick and Kathleen doing unbelievably well in their first fantasy football seasons ever. Of course all that means is that next year I'll be encouraging them to join someone else's league, but I'm still impressed... and already on the lookout for people who aren't so naturally adept at fantasy sports. Interested? It's only 8 months 'till next season's draft!

Driver's Seat

So by now we've all heard the news: Our beloved Britney was strapped to a gurney and taken from her home after a custody standoff with the police and local fire department. The cops are saying Britney was under the influence of an unknown substance when she refused to allow her children to leave her house with Kevin Federline's bodyguard. The Associated Press reports:

"Officers were called to Spears' house around 8 p.m. to respond to the custody dispute with ex-husband Kevin Federline over their sons, 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James, Lee said.

By about 10:30 p.m., six police cars, two ambulances and a fire truck had entered the gated-community that includes Spears' house. Several police cars were seen in the area earlier in the night.

Spears turned over the children around 10:50 p.m., Lee said."

TMZ reported that K-Fed’s lawyers met with the judge this morning to strip Britney of her visitation rights. She is currently on “5150 hold” at Cedars-Sinai hospital which means there is evidence that Britney is a danger to herself and others. Like that's news.

I'm no lawyer, but I'd have to say that Britney Spears' meltdown last night will obviously cause permanent damage in her custody battle with K-Fed. Former prosecutor Susan Filan, (MSNBC’s senior legal analyst) says that Britney’s refusal to turn over her children to police was “a very serious no-no in the world of courts.” People reports:

"As for the standoff that ensued, as well as, it has been assumed, arguments in front of the children by the parents, Filan said the courts are also likely to take a very dim view. She also said that this could pave the way for Federline to be in charge of determining all future decisions involving the boys."

Susan offered her opinion on the final outcome of Britney’s actions:

“The court may very well have to intervene and cut off visitation, which is tough for a court , because a court doesn't want to deprive a child from its mom. This is really emotional stuff."

Concluded Filan: "These kids are now, I think, directly being harmed by the mother who … is spiraling out of control. I think she's just about done."

She’s the senior legal analyst for MSNBC and Susan Filan is just now starting to think Britney Spears is a danger to her kids. Hmmmmmm, those are some keen observational skills. It only took her about a year to reach the most obvious conclusion in the history of family law. Someone get Susan Filan a cookie. She earned it today.

Lucky This Cookie Arrived Unscathed

The Final Countdown

This teaser for NBC's attempt at raising interest for the new Knight Rider is very short, pointless, and looks like the introduction of a Fear Factor challenge, but it does let you hear Will Arnett's update to the voice of their talking car (now a Mustang). Does anyone else think they made him say "Hello, Mike" instead of "Michael" so that we wouldn't think we were watching Arrested Development remade with cars? And really... would that be so bad?

It Tangos

Fare Thee Well

Fantasy Recap, Week 16: Not Fade Away

First of all, let's not bury the headline:
NANCY WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP!

That's right! In my NFL.COM league? Nancy won! She vanquished the (hitherto) unbeatable foe! She's Don Quixote... without the funny bowl for a hat... or the senility!

I only had one game this week. A consolation game in the office Yahoo! league. The winner would move on to the game for 5th place. The loser would, well, not move on at all. I won!

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

Projected: Loss (consolation)

Actual: Win 235.06-176.04

I'd like to say I'm proud, but mostly I'm relieved.

One week of fantasy football left. Could you believe it?

Next week. I'll post the final standings, and the comparison of projected to actual wins/losses. Now you have something to live for. Thank me later.

Man alive... the season's almost over, and despite some, ummmmm, "shortcomings", I'm already looking forward to next season. That's right, Bobby... you know our fantasy football love will not fade away.

Pants Enough To Rule The World

Letterman And Writers Strike Deal, Giving CBS The Edge

By Paul Farhi

Washington Post Staff Writer

David Letterman will have some help being funny when his talk show returns to the air next week.

Letterman's production company yesterday became the first to cut a deal with the striking Writers Guild of America, enabling "Late Show With David Letterman" and "Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson" to resume production with their writing staffs.

Letterman's Worldwide Pants, which owns both shows, worked out the agreement just days before late-night talk shows will resume after an eight-week hiatus. The disruption was caused by the writers' strike that has stopped production of dramas, sitcoms and talk shows. Almost all of the talk shows have said they will return Wednesday, but without writers. "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" on Comedy Central will return the following Monday, Jan. 7.

The agreement gives huge leverage to Letterman and CBS, which will now have the only late-night shows with material written by professional writers. That will include topical monologues and other bits, such as Letterman's signature top 10 list. Other talk shows are still scrambling to patch together material without writers. Under union strike rules, the shows' staffs can't write anything that the writers would have written.

In addition, Letterman and Ferguson will be the only shows that can regularly attract big-name celebrities without fear of a picket line. Out of solidarity with striking writers, TV and movie actors have been reluctant to appear on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" and "Last Call With Carson Daly," the two talk shows that have gone back on the air. The writers' guild has objected to both. Neither Letterman nor Ferguson have announced guest lineups for their first shows next week.

By creating a separate agreement with Letterman, the writers' union hopes to put pressure on all of the networks to come to a comprehensive settlement. Without writers or famous guests, the other shows will probably lose viewers to Letterman.

"I am grateful to the WGA for granting us this agreement," Letterman said in a statement issued by his company. "We're happy to be going back to work, and particularly pleased to be doing it with our writers. This is not a solution to the strike, which unfortunately continues to disrupt the lives of thousands. But I hope it will be seen as a step in the right direction."

A deal between the union and Letterman, who is a 30-year member of the writers' union, was possible because his company owns the two talk shows. The other talk shows are owned by the networks and the studio conglomerates against which the writers are striking.

A key issue in the dispute is how writers should be compensated when the networks and movie studios distribute films and TV shows over new media, such as the Internet. The WGA called its deal with Worldwide Pants "a comprehensive agreement that addresses the issues important to writers, particularly new media. . . . Today's agreement dramatically illustrates that the Writers Guild wants to put people back to work, and that when a company comes to the table prepared to negotiate seriously, a fair and reasonable deal can be reached quickly."

While CBS continues to hold the digital rights to Letterman's shows, a union representative, Neal Sacharow, said Worldwide Pants will "take full responsibility" for paying writers when CBS makes money from the shows in new-media formats.

The union said that Worldwide Pants "had accepted the very same proposals that the Guild was prepared to present to the media conglomerates when they walked out of negotiations on Dec. 7," adding, "It's time for NBC Universal to step up to the plate and negotiate a company-wide deal that will put Jay Leno, who has supported our cause from the beginning, back on the air with his writers."

The Incredible, Credible Egghead

The first shot from The Incredible Hulk has been released, revealing that Edward Norton as Bruce Banner wears Dockers and his watch on the inside of his wrist. So cool. Summary:

"Edward Norton stars in this new beginning as Bruce Banner, a scientist desperately hunting for a cure to the gamma radiation that poisoned his cells and unleashes the unbridled force of rage within him - The Incredible Hulk."

You know, if he's really desperate to find a cure, you'd think he wouldn't go by "The Incredible Hulk." The whole "incredible" thing makes the search for a cure seem sort of disingenuous. It's like someone saying, "I have to find a cure before the full moon!"

"Really? Why?"

"I'll become This Really Awesome Werewolf."

"Are you sure you're trying to cure this?"

"Yeah, definitely. You think I like how incredibly awesome I become during a full moon?"

"Well, it just seems like you really build-up how great this werewolf side is, calling it awesome all the time."

"Let me make this perfectly clear: when the full moon's light transforms me, I am a monster! Just a really, really awesome monster."

Set Phasers On "Sweet!"

Blu-Ray Laser Phaser! - video powered by Metacafe

Kipkay posts some awesome DIY videos on Metacafe, and here's another. His voice really convinces me I can do whatever he's talking about, even if I know I'll end up cutting off a finger or doing some other kind of harm to myself. In this installment he installs a Blu-Ray laser into a Star Trek phaser. It cost less than $100 to build because he got the Blu-Ray laser somewhere for $30. You can't put a price on the resulting satisfaction, though.

Gift Of The Magi Indian Giver

Carolyn wanted so much to give Roger something nice for Christmas, but they didn't have much money, and they had to spend every last cent on candy for the baby. She walked down the icy streets and peered into shop windows.

"Roger is so proud of his shinbones. If only I could find some way to get money to buy shinbone polish." Just then, a sign caught her eye. "Cuticles bought and sold." Many people had told Carolyn of her beautiful cuticles, and Roger was especially proud of them, but she thought, "This is the way I could buy Roger the shinbone polish!" And she rushed into the store.

Later at home, she waited anxiously as Roger came up the steps of their flat. He opened the door and wobbled over to the fireplace, suspiciously holding one arm behind his back. "Merry Christmas!" they both said, almost simultaneously. Roger spoke. "Hey, Nutsy, I got you a little something for Christmas." "Me too," said Carolyn, and they exchanged packages.

Carolyn hurriedly opened her package staring in disbelief. "Cuticle Frames?! But Roger, I sold my cuticles so I could afford to buy you some shinbone polish!"

"Shinbone polish!" said Roger, "I sold my shinbones to buy you the cuticle frames!" Roger wobbled over to her.

"Well, I'll be hog-tied," said Carolyn.

"You will? Oh, boy!" said Roger. And it turned out to be a great Christmas after all.

~Steve Martin, from Cruel Shoes

Baby, Please Come Home

Tradition Is Important

Fantasy Recap, Week 15: Baby, It's Cold Outside

Week 15, and the playoffs are in full swing. I used to like swings. Ask my parents, and they'll tell you about how I used to lay across the wee canvas swing in our backyard, and swing for hours on end munching on raisins and humming to myself. Those were good times. Better times than losing every last @*^# game in the opening rounds of 4 different playoff series!

But I digress. Or segue. Funny how those can so often be the same.

I lost in the first round of the playoffs in my NFL.COM league to Nancy. Nancy, meanwhile, is currently locked in battle in the championship game! Howsabout that?

Catchers in the Rye

Projected: Loss

Actual: Loss 66-70

I also lost in the first round in the "Live by the Brady, die by the Brady" league.

The Powerful Mach 5!

Projected: Win

Actual: Loss 53-95

In my Yahoo! league? Lost. But won 5th place overall as a result.

Blue Blazer Regulars

Projected: Win (consolation)

Actual: Win 216-201.5 (won 5th place)

And finally, in the office Yahoo! league? Lost... but I fight on in the consolation rounds.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

Projected: Loss

Actual: Loss 235.09-301.36

The playoffs end the week after next. Could you believe it? Don't worry, I'll post the overall results and a comparison of "projected vs. actual" win/loss ratios then. In the meantime, keep your boots in the clouds, and your head in the sand... or something.

Scrooged McDucked

Not sure what holiday favorites to watch this weekend? Here, let me help.

A Charlie Brown Christmas - It goes without saying. But I thought I'd say it anyway. Come on, you thought that tree sucked too. Now you know better.

Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! - As if the exclamation point in the title isn't urging enough, it's directed by cult icon Monte Hellman and features a guy with a clear plastic brain case. If exposed innards don't say Christmas, I don't know what does. And between you and me? When they do say "Christmas"? It's really unsettling... and not just because there are no vocal chords or lips to speak of.

Scrooged - It probably won't be as good as you remember it being, but I still think of it as the definitive retelling of A Christmas Carol. If a reformed Bill Murray begging you, the audience, to sing Put a Little Love in Your Heart doesn't give you some holiday spirit, you are an asshole.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians - Despite the title giving away the ending, it's still worth watching for sheer awfulness. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 version might be preferable if you have a low tolerance for crap.

The Office Christmas Special (UK) - Barely touches on Christmas as a holiday, but it's all the better for it. Few things provide as much hope as the knowledge that Tim and Dawn finally get together.

Santa Claws - A softcore-holiday-horror-porn film about a guy dressed as Santa stalking a softcore-horror-porn actress. He kills people with one of those little garden claws you use to airate dirt! Festive and practical!

A Christmas Story - Assuming TBS is still running this for 24-hours straight, you won't be able to avoid it anyway. Remind yourself that as long as toy guns, frozen poles, yellow snow and bullies with jaundiced eyes exist, Christmas will never be free of danger. Thank you, jesus.

Are You Ready For The Eel Thing?

An electric eel powering a Christmas tree is on display in a Japanese aquarium. The tank the eel is in houses two electric panels that act as electrodes, picking up the eel's discharge. The eel itself has the capability of producing a shock of up to 500 volts and 1 ampere of current (500 watts), although the guy in the video says 800. Inventor Kazuhiko Minawa -who is responsible for the electricity harvesting system- stated "If we could gather all electric eels from all around the world, we would be able to light up an unimaginably giant Christmas tree." Wow Kazuhiko, wow. That really sounds great... except for the one drawback: apparently electric eel power generation is only good for lighting Christmas trees.

A Magical Season Of Singing Wads Of Felt

Away In A Trailer

I'm not sure why I'm not surprised, but here's the scoop: Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant, according to OK! Magazine. The 16-year-old sister of Britney Spears and star of Nickelodeon's Zoey 101 confirmed she is having the child of her longtime boyfriend Casey Aldridge. Jamie told her mother just before Thanksgiving and Britney is just learning the news today from the tabloids. The Associated Press reports:

"Spears is 12 weeks along and initially kept the news to herself when she learned of the pregnancy from an at-home test and subsequent doctor visit, she told the celebrity magazine, which hits stands in New York on Wednesday and the rest of the country by Friday."

Nickelodeon released the following statement:

"We respect Jamie Lynn's decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn's well being."

Well, at least Jamie Lynn has some first-hand experience in how not to raise a child thanks to big sister Brit. That being said, the first paparazzi shot I see of Jamie at a Starbucks, I’m calling the A-Team.

You Keep On Rockin'

NEWS BREAK! Britney Spears could’ve performed on American Idol -or been a guest judge- had she pulled herself together. In a conference call recently with US Magazine, Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe explained the problem with Britney:

"Britney, at this moment in time, I don't think is well enough to do
anything," he continued. "I think she needs looking after. I think she needs to
pull herself together." Lythgoe added that Spears is an
"exceptionally talented girl" but "needs taking care of right now."

Okay, who’s the crazy one here? The gas station bandit or the producer who thinks she’s talented? I’m at a loss. I guess I’ll just toss a coin in the air then walk away because I really couldn't care less at this point. In fact, I’m going to read this recipe for Wienerschnitzel mustard dogs instead and probably be a better person for it. Wait, they're made with veal! I’ve been going about this all wrong.

Let's Put A Smile On That Face

Like the man said: "Why so serious?"

The Usual Suspect