Lighten Up

I tell you, kids today... they don't know the simple joy of holding a lighter arm's-length over the heads of dozens of alcohol-soaked concert-goers. No wonder our society is falling apart.

Some wackjob has made a website that features a close-up of a lighter flame. "Why?" you ask? Well, of course it's so you can navigate to it on your cell phone at concerts and then display a fake flame to wave around like a fake-flame-waving idiot. Nobody has lighters anymore? How are you supposed to light fireworks and cigarettes... or timber wolves? The last time I was at a concert and it was time to wave our lighters, I caught the guy next to me waving a cell phone (he wasn't even using the flame!), so I set his hair on fire. Several skin grafts and Marlo Thomas wigs later, he's still stupid. I hope this has taught you all a valuable life lesson, kids.