Ho, Ho... No?

But Santa enjoys Santa's Butt.

Keep your eye on the ball, or creampuff, or whatever.

Poster Boy(s)

Like an emotional high schooler's performance art piece, Spider-Man externalizes his inner duality with two elaborate colorful costumes in the new poster for Spider-Man 3.

Blue-and-red Spidey likes smiles, punctuality, and watching an hour-and-a-half block of Everybody Loves Raymond from 6 to 7:30 each night. Black suit Spidey likes listening to My Chemical Romance albums, looking down when photographed, and completing MySpace surveys with ironic answers. Which speaks to you? See the movie and find out!

Battle Of Nitwits

According to a family friend, Britney Spears is "seriously thinking about" giving away a digitally re-mastered copy of her sex tape for free so Kevin Federline can't make any money off of it.

" "Brit figures she'll beat that sucker to the punch, just like she did by giving away pictures of Jayden James," said Spears family friend Nyla Price, 55, the owner of Nyla's Burger Basket. "Half of nuthin' is nuthin', and that's what her lying skunk of a husband will get if she gives that video away before he can find some sleazeball to buy it." Federline has been saying the sex tape is four hours long, however, Price says the tape is closer to forty-five minutes."

This is like a battle of wits between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline to see who can screw each other over the most. I'd compare it to an intricate game of chess but it's really more like a pig wrestling contest.

It Happened One Night

Fickle Fantasy Football Fates. Figures.

Yeah, that went about as well as I expected.

Won one; lost three. What did I tell you about the fantasy football fates? That's right: they're fickle. And you want a little piece of advice? When you go head-to-head with your wife in fantasy football? Lose. Lose in a hurry... unless you like losing 75% of your games, that is.

At least I won in the office Yahoo league.


*1. San Diego Zoo 11-0-0
*2. The Dirty Jedi's 10-1-0
*3. Tropical Depressions 9-2-0
*4. Chuck A Ducks 9-2-0
5. Go Frenchy!! 8-3-0
6. HaikuNaziKillers 8-3-0
7. AllStar Chuck Norris 7-4-0
8. Anal Tongue Darts 6-5-0
9. The Greasy Pablos 5-6-0
10. Crabtree'sCrabapples 5-6-0
11. Hot Pipin Carl 5-6-0
12. Ninerjunky08 5-6-0
13. MB Blitz 5-6-0
14. DEM HOODSTARZ 4-7-0
15. mmmmmm..beer 4-7-0
16. san jose 49ers 4-7-0
17. I Miss Baseball 3-8-0
18. Jumers Junkies 2-9-0
19. Blitzburgh 0-11-0
20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-11-0

The other bit of good news here is that I clinched a playoff berth. I don't think that's ever happened before. Kinda' cool. I should also take this opportunity to explain the "no haiku" rule in the Yahoo league. See, I started submitting haiku to the league message board 'round about week two. Turns out there's only one other fan of haiku in the league (that'd be Robert, he of the "HaikuNaziKillers"), but nevertheless we've been posting haiku for weeks now, despite the slings and arrows we've suffered. I don't know if the others in the league are insecure in their masculinity, or too stupid to figure out the 5-7-5 rule, but what I do know is they're a buncha' haiku hating babies... which eventually lead to the commissioner's "no haiku" rule. More than a rule, he made it plain that anyone submitting haiku risked season-ending injury to their quarterback. I laughed. I pooh-poohed... until Sunday.

Did I mention I lost in the "everyone" league?

Wealth & Beauty

East Division
Team W L T
Minny's Meanies 6 5 0 0
Potato 6 5 0
Arsenal 5 6 0
Carl 3 8 0 0

Central Division
Team W L T
The Mighty Bosh 10 1 0
CBS Sportsline.com sucks 6 5 0
Nadia's Team 5 6 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 3 8 0

West Division
Team W L T
cannon ball 10 1 0
Omegahedrons 5 6 0
The Punctuation 4 7 0
Charlatans EC 3 8 0

Did I mention my quarterback got one measley point? Did I mention his name? Donovan McNabb. Donovan -"Torn ACL, out for the year"- McNabb. I'd write a haiku about it if I wasn't so busy scrambling for another quarterback. If there's a silver lining it's that I'm still in second place in the division... but my point total sucks, so the playoffs are likely out of reach. Dammit.

The solo league? Lost.

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Team W L T
Cowboys from Hell 6 5 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 4 7 0
Steel Curtain 4 7 0
Florida Dolphins 1 10 0

East Division
Team W L T
Ash Kickers 8 3 0
Second Stringers 8 3 0
James Gang 7 3 1
Fightin' Squid 6 5 0

West Division
Team W L T
from bittercreek 7 4 0
packers 6 5 0
Denton County Saints 5 6 0
TPDG 3 7 1

I didn't lose a quarterback here... but I did lose a wide receiver for the day. Dammit. same story; stayed in second. At least I have a shot at the playoffs here, one way or another... he said humbly to the fantasy football fates.

Finally, in my league with Nancy. The league I scratched out the win over Nancy just last week?Yup. Lost. I'm told it serves me right. You make the call.

Idiots Legue

Central Division
Team W L T
Pigs 7 3 1
Customs Cavity Searchers 6 5 0
Viagracide 5 6 0
Mighty Hamsters 4 7 0

East Division
Team W L T
Blue Meanies 8 3 0
The Steamrollers 5 6 0
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 5 6 0
goldminers 3 7 1

West Division
Team W L T
WARLORDS 7 4 0
FesturingTaserWound 7 4 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 4 7 0
San Diego THUNDER 4 7 0

Still #1. That's cool. I did the math though, and if I do nothing but lose, and one or the other of the two teams closest to me in my division does nothing but win, I'll likely miss the playoffs. I'd be the Indianapolis Colts of the league. I'm hoping for better than that. Hoping, mind you, despite that Donovan McNabb was my quarterback here too... dammit.

Ironically, his name is five syllables long.

I Am My Beloved's, And My Beloved Is Mine

"Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?" ~Natira, For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky, stardate 5476.3.

You Know, For Kids

"Oh my God! They're turkeys!"

You Know, For Dogs

Turkey Cookies for Dogs

Ingredients

2 cups of whole-wheat flour

2 jars of turkey flavored baby food

½ cup of chicken broth

Preparation
Place the oven rack in the center of the oven and pre heat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Place 1 slightly greased baking sheet on the side.

Use a large bowl and a wire whisk to mix the whole-wheat flour and the turkey flavored baby food together. Continue mixing until it acquires a soft dough consistency. If it looks like the dough mixture is a little too dry just add in a little bit more chicken broth. Continue mixing it until the dough pulls away from the bowl it is in.

Break off small pieces from the dough and form them into little marble size balls. Roll them in between your floured hands. Then place them over the baking sheet and press them down onto it with a fork leaving them around ¼ inch thick.

Bake for around 18 to 20 minutes or until the cookies have acquired a golden brown color and look dry. Then remove them from the oven and place the tray over a rack and allow the cookies to cool completely. Turn the oven off.

Once the cookies have cooled, put them back inside the warm oven and allow them to sit in there undisturbed without opening the oven door for 10 to 15 hours straight.

Jonesin'

Think you can do better?

SIMple Life

Dance On A Volcano

Blah, blah, blah. "Tomkat got married." When did the fake spaceship land? How long was the laser light show? How did they excise that baby from Tom's chest? Was anyone ever able to stop John Travolta from smirking into a plastic stein? The media has truly abandoned us.

Splat.

Just shoot 'em in the head.

Four And Oh. Oh Dear.

I am mighty!

Four games, and I won them all!

Am I pleased? Sure... but wary, 'cause the football fates are fickle, and even though I'd argue that I was due, they'd most likely disagree, and would probably feel the need to humble me. That, and the fact that one of the games I won was against my beloved wife... on our anniversary weekend. Yeah... next week's games may not go so well.

But in the menatime, back to the basking! In the office Yahoo league? I won!

*1. San Diego Zoo 10-0-0
2. The Dirty Jedi's 9-1-0 .
3. Go Frenchy!! 8-2-0
4. HaikuNaziKillers 8-2-0
5. Tropical Depressions 8-2-0
6. Chuck A Ducks 8-2-0
7. AllStar Chuck Norris 6-4-0
8. Crabtree'sCrabapples 5-5-0
9. The Greasy Pablos 5-5-0
10. Anal Tongue Darts 5-5-0
11. Hot Pipin Carl 5-5-0
12. Ninerjunky08 4-6-0
13. MB Blitz 4-6-0
14. DEM HOODSTARZ 4-6-0 .
15. san jose 49ers 4-6-0
16. I Miss Baseball 3-7-0
17. mmmmmm..beer 3-7-0
18. Jumers Junkies 1-9-0
19. Blitzburgh 0-10-0
20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-10-0

Still stalled in 5th, but in the hunt for second! The dreaded "San Diego Zoo" has a lock on 1st (as usual) and has secured a berth in the playoffs already (as usual). I don't know how that guy does it every year, but every year he dominates like... like... like a person who's good at dominating things. It'd piss me off if I wasn't so impressed.

In the solo league? Chalk up a "W!"

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Team W L T
Cowboys from Hell 5 5 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 4 6 0
Steel Curtain 3 7 0
Florida Dolphins 0 10 0

East Division
Team W L T
Ash Kickers 8 2 0
James Gang 7 3 0
Second Stringers 7 3 0
Fightin' Squid 6 4 0

West Division
Team W L T
from bittercreek 7 3 0
packers 5 5 0
Denton County Saints 5 5 0
TPDG 3 7 0

The only way I'll make the playoffs here is if I get back into 1st place in my division. I coulda' done it if "Cowboys" had cooperated and lost. Bastard. I'd like to say I could do it next week... but those fickle football fates do have some say in matters, remember....

In the league in which we're all battling it out? Yup! Another win! For me the good news was I won, and Joe and Nancy lost. That put me back in 2nd in the division. No one is gonna' catch that @^*# "Cannonball," but if I can hold on to 2nd I could make the playoffs... maybe. Actually, at this point Tony has the best shot at that Wild card spot. And Robert? I dunno' what happened to him. Even I beat him in this league... he's still a juggernaut in the Yahoo league, but here, not so much.

Wealth & Beauty

West Division
Team W L T
cannon ball 9 1 0
Omegahedrons 5 5 0
Charlatans EC 3 7 0
The Punctuation 3 7 0

Central Division
Team W L T
The Mighty Bosh 9 1 0
CBS Sportsline.com sucks 5 5 0
Nadia's Team 5 5 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 3 7 0

East Division
Team W L T
Potato 6 4 0
Minny's Meanies 5 5 0
Arsenal 5 5 0
Carl 2 8 0

Last but not least, the game I played against Nancy... happy anniversary Nancy! Ummmmm, yeah... I won. Oops. I even tried to lose, but I wound up winning at the last minute on Monday night by two points. 'till then, we were tied, believe it or not. So, what I'm sayin' is, the football fates? They may feel the need for a reckoning. Anyway, check it out:

Idiots Legue

East Division
Team W L T
Blue Meanies 8 2 0
The Steamrollers 4 6 0
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 4 6 0
goldminers 3 6 1

Central Division
Team W L T
Pigs 6 3 1
Customs Cavity Searchers 5 5 0
Viagracide 5 5 0
Mighty Hamsters 4 6 0

West Division
Team W L T
WARLORDS 6 4 0
FesturingTaserWound 6 4 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 4 6 0
San Diego THUNDER 4 6 0

Yeah... I won. Unless I lose every game left, (and one or the other of the 4-6 teams in my division wins every game left) I should make the playoffs. So, hopefully, I'll make the playoffs.

Hopefully. Hear me, football fates? Hear the humbleness in my voice? Can I get you a drink, football fates? Run to Blockbuster for you? You just let me know... I'll be here... all humble and junk.

The Most Dangerous Animal Of All

Isn't That Just Like A Moonraker?

In celebration of the release of Casino Royale this Friday, our fellow denizens of the internet have provided the introduction sequences of every Bond film to date. Watching them all gives you a real sense of how, no matter how much the film quality, effects or actors may have changed from film to film, one thing has remained constant: the exploitation of women as purely sexual objects.

Star's Her Desperation

Star Jones showed up at the Dancing With The Stars afterparty looking like, uh, well, this.

I can't even look at it. She's like those leather-skinned creatures in Beastmaster who'd leap up behind some hapless traveller in the plain, wrap their leathery wings around him, and leech him dry... leaving the bones, of course. Maybe for a snack for an amusing ferret who'd surely pilfer a key sooner or later.

Just make sure you remember what this looks like, because if the devil were to ever take human form this is it right here.

Federline In The Sand

First Britney stuns us with her ironclad prenup, now this? In the smartest -and sleaziest- move yet, Kevin Federline is using his alleged 4-hour sex tape with Britney Spears to leverage custody of their kids... oh, and of $30 million. He's already been offered $50 million by companies wanting to distribute it on the web, but says he'd sell it back to Britney for a mere $30 million and custody of their two kids. A source close (but not too close... that'd be icky) to K-Fed says:

"At the time the two of them were in the honeymoon stages of the relationship and couldn't keep their hands off each other. They did nothing all day but have sex - and play the odd game of chess. They were insatiable and they believed they would be together forever. Britney didn't think twice about making the video at the time. She mistakenly believed that their love would last. They adored filming each other. They lived their lives in front of the cameras - even making a short-lived reality TV show of their exploits. Sex was no different to them, it seems. Now this video could prove very costly to her. Millions of people will be prepared to pay to watch. Kevin has told Britney she should comply with his demands otherwise the whole world will see her having sex, which will be devastating. At the moment Kev is in talks with a company in Arizona about putting the four-hour sex vid online. If it all goes to plan he'll make [$50 million] from it."

If Britney doesn't cave and hand over the children I'm sure a judge will. Because when you see a man of such moral character and integrity as Kevin Federline there's no way you can deny him the privilege of raising children.

The Smoking Gun got their hands on a copy of Kevin Federline's backstage demands, my friends!

Included are a bottle of Jack Daniel's, a bottle of Grey Goose, six bottles of specifically non-Evian water, a tray of gourmet cheeses, and a bunch of other crap he has no right to ask for. He had to give away tickets to his last concert, meaning he's got about as much star power as the assistant manager of an IHOP. The only thing that should be on this list is "Nobody hiding in my room to beat me up" and maybe - maybe - "A place to sit that isn't covered with shards of lemon-soaked glass."