Just like Heaven.

That Dobler Vision Gets the Best of Me

"One game, I knocked the crap out of Merlin Olsen. If you wanted to see it on instant replay, you had to go to the kitchen because I knocked him so far out of the TV frame. After the game, he says, "One of these days, someone's going to break Dobler's neck, and I'm not going to send any flowers." What happens? He gets the $500,000 FTD commercial, and I don't get shit. He goes to the Pro Bowl fourteen times. He's in the Hall of Fame. He's probably got more money than God. When he was doing Father Murphy on NBC, he had a graveyard scene. One of the tombs said: CONRAD DOBLER. GONE, BUT NOT FORGIVEN. It's been twenty years since I played him, and I'm still on his fucking mind. And I like that." ~Conrad Dobler

Conrad Dobler was one of football's really great accidents. He may or may not have been what his press-clippings called him, but he was certainly shrewd in his ability to ride his reputation into a few decent payday bonanzas in the commercial industry. His mythic reputation? The dirtiest player in the game.

Dobler was a biting, kicking, punching, gouging, cheating, cheap-shot artist of an offensive guard mainly for the 70's St. Louis Cardinals who, aside from the nasty reputation, was otherwise unexceptional. And therein is the beauty of the Conrad Dobler accident - he really was nothing more than a solid offensive guard who, because of that nasty reputation, became a household name.

Every Monday night Howard would laugh through some tale of Dobler setting fire to a school bus full of children. Every NFL pre-game show would have some sort of funny bit on how Dobler picked a fight with an invalid. Every magazine and newspaper would run some goofy story on Dobler's satanic rituals. And all this coverage for a slightly-better-than-average offensive guard whom no one would have otherwise known! Genius!

Then along came the advertising companies! "Conrad, shill these lawn darts by impaling a kitten with them!" Or "Conrad, bust the Kool-Aid man into a bazillion pieces!" Or "Conrad, call Fonzie a wuss!" Ahhhhhhh, the 70's!

Funny, when you really tore apart the myth, Dobler was no more of a dirty player than your average Congressman. He wasn't even that scary looking. Shoot, he probably even liked little puppies, rainbows and walks on the beach. Dobler was just too smart to attempt to change public perception about him - let's just say that Terry Bradshaw would've been accepted into MENSA well before Dobler would ever consider giving some tear-filled interview to Phyllis George about how he's really a groovy kind of guy who teaches The Hustle to the underprivileged and loves The Carpenters. This kinda' media savvy isn't such a big deal now, but at the time, Dobler was well ahead of the game.

I bring this up because it occurs to me that I've been (inadvertantly) doing my own spinning the last, oh, nine weeks. To read these weekly fantasy football updates, you might think that:
A) I understand football, and/or
B) I give a shit about football

I'm sorry to tell you that you'd be wrong on both counts... and I apologize for leading you astray.

So, as to the first point: "I understand football." Not so much. I have a firm grasp of the concept (get to the other end of the field more often than the other guys), but beyond that... it's a mystery to me. I know women in halter tops and golf carts with oversized, fiberglass helmets are involved... but the intricate machinations of the gridiron are wasted on me... sorry.

As to the second point: "I give a shit about football..." again, not so much. I admit to an irrational, almost masochistic love for the Seattle Seahawks (GO HAWKS!), but otherwise... yeah, I don't really care. I couldn't even tell you who's playoff-bound, or ignominy-destined so far this season... but I'm pretty sure the Houston Oilers are out of the playoff picture this year.

"So gee, Chris... why do you play fantasy football every year?" you ask. Well my pretty ponies, that would be Joe's fault. Joe tricked me into playing fantasy football a few years ago, and there's been no looking back. I would look back, but man... there's just no time for that, what with 16 weeks of lineups and stats to ponder.... I may not care about real football, but come Fall, almost all I care about is make-believe football. In my defense, I did not throw him into that briar patch... there's only so much wool you can pull over my eyes, dammit.

So it's come to this: Joe got me hooked on fantasy football, and now he faces me in the NFL.COM league this week... mano a mano. Big game... I never say "no" to a win (though I've been known to say "Use a coaster!" to a win) of course... but beating Joe would be a huge boon for Nancy... which, you know, wouldn't suck for me. I don't want to be indiscreet, but I'm just sayin'... it could mean another Force FX light saber in the house... a real "win-win" situation... 'cept, you know, it'd mean Joe losing... but I'm sure knowing that his loss means a second light-up light saber for me makes losing worthwhile... right Joe? Right?

That's right.

Speaking of losing, I lost in the NFL.COM league in Week 9. That sucked. Lookee:

East Division
Metropolis Meteors 5-4-0
jump 4-5-0
AntiBushTexans 3-6-0
Crawford Vaqueros 2-6-1

Central Division
blueflames 7-2-0
Eau Claire Charlatans 6-3-0
San Jose Synecdoche 5-4-0
marauders 4-5-0

West Division
COSTA RICAN PANTHERS 6-3-0
Jimbo 5-4-0
METRO ALLSTARS 4-4-1
scurvy dawgs 2-7-0

The good news is I'm still #1 in my division. I think it has something to do with everyone else in my division losing... it's another one of those great accidents.

Oh, as long as we're talking about losing, lookee again:

1. Kirk's nightmare 8-1-0
2. San Diego Zoo 7-2-0
3. Last & Least Too 6-3-0
4. Budwipers 6-3-0
5. Turd Burglars 5-4-0
6. Gotham Knights 5-4-0
7. Las Vegas Heat 5-4-0
8. Super Chargers 4-5-0
9. Arsenal 4-5-0
10. Wade Reeves QB 4-5-0
11. kimpossible 4-5-0
12. AggieDucks 3-6-0
13. The Nation 2-7-0
14. Cyanide 0-9-0

That's right, I lost in the office Yahoo league as well. A stunning defeat... if not unexpected (if you believe in Karma, like me, Earl and Carson Daly). I lost by the same margin I won the week before... figures. The only good news is this was my first "dual loss" week of the season... which for most wouldn't be good news, of course... but my fantasy football bar is pretty low, so it's still worth crowing about... "You go, Chris! Way not to lose more!"

I am the master of spin.

"I know what's wrong and right in this world. I just wonder why I smoke cigarettes." ~Conrad Dobler

The Truth is Right Here

Scully: [holding an Apollo 11 keychain] I actually was thinking about, uh, this gift that you gave me for my birthday. You never got to tell me why you gave it to me or what it means, but I think I know. I think that you appreciate that there are extraordinary men and women and extraordinary moments when history leaps forward on the backs of these individuals, that what can be imagined can be achieved, that you must dare to dream, but that there's no substitute for perseverance and hard work and teamwork because no one gets there alone; and that, while we commemorate the... the greatness of these events and the individuals who achieve them, we cannot forget the sacrifice of those who make these achievements and leaps possible.
Mulder: I just thought it was a pretty cool keychain.
~The X Files

You Were Born. So You're Free.

"Kilgore Trout once wrote a short story which was a dialogue between two pieces of yeast. They were discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne." ~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. Breakfast of Champions

The Last Voice

During the second World War, Russians began testing the effectiveness of paratrooper units.

Sometimes -more often than most Russians care to admit- the 'chutes didn't open. During the invasion of Finland, hundereds of troops were dropped in the dead of winter, and as usual, some of the 'chutes failed to open. These soldiers plummeted to Earth; drilled straight down into the fresh snow... as deep as fifteen feet.

The Finnish farmers fanned out that night with their shotguns. They walked out into their fields, found the holes and fired down them, into the darkness.

During the 1979 drought in the Midwest, American farmers began renting their property out to the US government as sites for missle silos. They were told that some of the silos contained Minuteman missles, while some contained nothing. Additionally, some of the silos were designed to look exactly like regular corn and grain silos. The military called these "Decoy Silos," but the farmers called them "Scarecrows."

The government hinted that some of these silos might be connected by hundreds of miles of railroad tracks... far below... in the darkness.

Crazy! It's the New Black!

It's too soon to say that Tom Cruise has reached "clear," and that his thinking has achieved the same, but he has finally, sensibly fired his publicist. Turns out hiring his sister to handle his publicity may not have been such a great idea... well, unless he likes knowing that the most powerful man in Hollywood will never take his calls again, and that everyone -and I do mean everyone- thought he acted like an ass on Oprah.

In what simply can't be unrelated news, The Sun is speculating that Tom Cruise has converted Victoria and David Beckham to Scientology after Victoria was spotted reading a Scientology "guide to self-healing." Katie Holmes apparently recommended the book to her after learning that Victoria's son had taken ill.

The problem here is that everyone knows Victoria Beckham can't read. And last year, the Beckhams pulled a similar stunt when they wore Kabbalah's red string bracelets in an ill-conceived attempt to be trendy. So it's not quite clear whether Victoria was reading the book in public out of urgency or because she thinks it'll make people hate her just a little less.

Because... Scientology is trendy now? She might as well walk around in an orange jumpsuit and a fake hobo beard and call it Unabomber Chic. Or maybe wear belts made of dead men's nipples for that hip-and-happening Ed Gein look I've been hearing so much about. I'm not saying that all Scientologists are dangerous psychopaths, I'm just saying I haven't seen much of Raymond Burr's nipples lately.

Greetings From Fake World!

Ethan Persoff, he of the fabulous 1966 anti-drug propaganda comic book Hooked!, brings for the holiday season Grenada. These are scans of a comic book produced by the CIA to be air-dropped during the US Invasion of Grenada... hearts and minds, my friends.

This comic, by the way, was never meant to be read by anyone in the United States, or anyone outside the Caribbean for that matter....

...and start getting real.

Dubacultcha

You used to be able to get these "pillow speakers" at stores like Radio Shack and Sharper Image, right? Smallish, plastic boxes with curved corners and a sturdy grill on one side. You'd run the speaker from a cassette recorder (also available at Radio Shack: you've got questions, we've got answers), and slip it under your pillow, you know, so you could learn German in your sleep.

I tried this once, but when I awoke the next morning I found that I didn't know any more German than I'd known the night before. I did, however, feel anxious, depressed and paranoid.

Pen pals.

Tattoo you.

Shadow dancin'....

Hello, Dali.

Inker 1.0

Very Well for Rough Girls

Ahhhhhhhh... I love the smell of Week 8 in the morning. It smells like... like a freshly-showered greyhound, right after his horrific loss in the last race on the day's schedule. That's right, my friends: Week 8 smells fresh and clean as a whistle... and yet... yet there's the faint stench of defeat that no amount of dog shampoo can seem to wash away....

What'd Dubya's dad say? "You win one; you lose one."

Remember how I said things were looking bleak in both fantasy leagues last week? How the writing seemed to be on the wall, and it spelled out in large, callous letters "You lose, loser! Like a little losing loser! Loser!" Yeah, well, I wound up half-right. Or wrong... depending on if your cup's half-full or half-empty.

The good news -hell, some of the best news in fantasy land since Sleeping Beauty's castle was refurbished, and they stopped taking tickets for Mr Toad's Wild Ride- is that I won in the office Yahoo league. It really did look bad, but somehow I clawed out the win in the closing moments of Monday night's game... won by 1/2 a measley point! This was as "must win" as a dopey fantasy football game can be, I'll tell you what!

The other good news? I leapt up a spot in the rankings. Speaking of "the rankings:"

1. Kirk's nightmare 7-1-0
2. San Diego Zoo 6-2-0
3. Budwipers 6-2-0
4. Turd Burglars 5-3-0
5. Last & Least Too 5-3-0
6. Gotham Knights 5-3-0
7. Las Vegas Heat 5-3-0
8. Arsenal 4-4-0
9. Super Chargers 3-5-0
10. AggieDucks 3-5-0
11. Wade Reeves QB 3-5-0
12. kimpossible 3-5-0
13. The Nation 1-7-0
14. Cyanide 0-8-0

Yup. As of today, your Gotham Knights would be in the playoffs... if the playoffs were held today... which they won't be... so I make no promises... you know, for the eventual playoffs... which will be later... and, um, not, you know, today.

Okaaaaaaay....

In the NFL.COM league? Not such good news. I lost, as predicted. That wasn't so bad, really, as I held on to the top spot in my division's rankings anyway... which is nice.

Tony and Joe waged quite a battle... but Tony came up short, while Joe galloped off into the sunset with the victory, and I? I just sat around mixing metaphors... you know, 'till the cows came home.

And Nancy? Nancy, sadly, lost. She takes the losses much harder than I do, but she also plans better than I do, so I'm sure she'll bounce back (knock wood). With her loss, and Joe's win, Joe skipped past her in their division, but I promise you, she's not out of it... not by a long shot. So stop yer cryin'.

East Division
Metropolis Meteors 5-3-0
jump 4-4-0
AntiBushTexans 3-5-0
Crawford Vaqueros 2-5-1

Central Division
blueflames 7-1-0
Eau Claire Charlatans 5-3-0
San Jose Synecdoche 4-4-0
marauders 3-5-0

West Division
COSTA RICAN PANTHERS 5-3-0
Jimbo 4-4-0
METRO ALLSTARS 3-4-1
scurvy dawgs 2-6-0

"Football is all very well as a game for rough girls, but is hardly suitable for delicate boys." ~Oscar Wilde

I, Federline

A copy of Kevin Federline's new single has leaked to the internet and it's every bit as awesome as you could imagine.

"Back then they called me K-Fed / But you can call me Daddy instead / Go ahead and say whatcha wanna / I'm gonna sell about 2 mil, oh, then I'm a goner."

Some critics may have you think that he's an untalented hillbilly channeling the spirit of Vanilla Ice, but they're all just jealous. It's sad, really. Kevin even says, "My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008." He actually predicts that everybody will hate his music. Predicts! His style is so revolutionary that he knows everybody will hate it until 2008.

"I know you all wish you was in my position / Cause I keep gettin' in situations that you wish you was in, cousin."

So if you're sitting around thinking that rap requires talent and rhythm, you just wait and see. In three years, everybody's music will sound like it was made in a basement by a drunken idiot who can't read or write. And boy, will you feel silly then.

"But maybe baby you can wait and see / Until then all these Pavarottis followin' me."

Word.

Shooting muses & throwing stars.

Everything's better with Ninjas!

They love me like I was a brother
They protect me, listen to me
They dug me my very own garden
Gave me sunshine, made me happy

Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream

I call up my friend, the good angel
But she's out with her answerphone
She says she would love to come help but
The sea would electrocute us all

Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream

If you think that you're strong enough
If you think you belong enough
If you think that you're strong enough
If you think you belong enough

[Just as well Just as well Just as well]

Nice dream, nice dream
Nice dream, nice dream

~Radiohead

Scary Monsters... and Super Creeps

Quotes taken from Satan's interview on The Big Story (Fox Network, of course).

On Democrats and Tom Delay:

"To be having this obviously political prosecution of a political enemy, that just shows them to be the fascists that they are."

On Janice Rogers Brown, Ann's favorite supreme court candidate:

"She is a black woman, and that will drive the Democrats so crazy, we might not even be able to execute them in Texas, which is a darn shame."

Coming soon, from the home office in Dekalb, Illinois: top ten things you could do with Ann Coulter's head and a big sharp stick.