Fantasy Recap, Week 14: Eye Of The Tiger

The playoffs have begun!

In the NFL.COM leagues? This was the last regular season game before the playoffs. I'd clinched playoff berths in 2/3 of these leagues, so there's no big news here. Sorry to disappoint.

I won in my league!

Catchers in the Rye

Projected: Loss

Actual: Win 106-102

East

Catchers in the Rye 9-5-0

Eau Claire Vandals 6-8-0

Textboo 6-8-0

LacesOu 5-9-0

Central

Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 9-4-1

Death by Haiku 2 6-8-0

RumseyB 5-9-0

Goregor 3-10-1

West

DredPir 11-3-0

Mothers 9-5-0

HolyHan 9-5-0

Underdo 5-9-0

I won in that "Worst of all leagues" league!

Sith Lords of the Gridiron

Projected: Loss

Actual: Win 114-68

Central

UsualSu 8-5-1

Clemson 7-5-2

LofasLa 7-6-1

Sith Lords of the Gridiron 5-8-1

East

BBbadbo 9-5-0

FBomber 8-6-0

Knights 8-6-0

royals1 6-8-0

West

TeamAlp 7-6-1

YounGGu 6-8-0

FifeFan 5-9-0

Lynchbe 5-9-0

Of course, I'm still dead-last in my division, so no playoffs here... and no surprise.

I won in that "Best league ever" league! And remained #1 overall!

The Powerful Mach 5!

Projected: Win

Actual: Win 133-117

Central

Powerful Mach 5! 12-2-0

Provide 6-8-0

JediMas 6-8-0

Bigbron 4-10-0

East

NEPats 10-4-0

baldeag 8-6-0

Skeleto 3-11-0

ItaliHe 2-12-0

West

xchucki 12-2-0

Provide 9-5-0

KNIGHTS 7-7-0

Breakin 5-9-0

In my Yahoo! league? The playoffs started this week. I didn't do so well. To wit: I lost to upstart Rick and his "Mighty Purple Helmets."

Blue Blazer Regulars

Projected: Loss (Playoffs Round 1)

Actual: Loss 225-357

*1. Blast Bye 11-2-0

*2. Night Train 10-3-0

*3. De chier des bulles 9-4-0

*4. MightyPurpleHelmets 8-5-0

*5. Blue Blazer Regulars 8-5-0

*6. Extreme Hummingbird 5-8-0

7. Snooze Alarm 5-8-0

8. LiL Man 4-9-0

9. Purple People Eaters 4-9-0

10. Intercepticons 1-12-0

Sucks for me, but I'm still excited for him. He's doing an amazing job in his first fantasy football season! The other good news is that at least I get to play for third place, so my season isn't over just yet.

I needed all of the stars to align in the office Yahoo! league in order to make the playoffs, and amazingly, they did! I won! And I made the playoffs!

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

Projected: Win

Actual: Win 266.58-257.42

*1. BALCO 11-3-0

*2. Death by Colon Blast 11-3-0

*3. Death by Haiku 10-4-0

*4. The Flying Frenchman 9-5-0

*5. The Pastry Ducks 8-6-0

*6. San Diego Zoo 8-6-0

*7. LightsOut 7-7-0

*8. Livefree; Rhymehard 6-8-0

9. Bliss's Blitzers 5-9-0

10. Baby Bashers 5-9-0

11. The Tony Danza's 4-10-0

12. ativan stat 0-14-0

Now I just have to focus... eye of the tiger, Rock... eye of the tiger....

Spirit Of The Season

This Holiday Brought To You By:

You'll Be Doin' Alright

Glass Louses

Well, I've seen fire and I've seen rain... but then? Then I saw the Wine Holder Necklace.

It costs $25 (and your dignity) for two and holds a regular sized stemmed glass with a stupid looking lanyard.

"Keep your hands free at parties by keeping your wine close at heart! This
clever little clip with adjustable strap holds a regular-size stemmed glass to
your chest, giving you the freedom to snack and socialize as you sip!

They failed to mention that it makes you look like a total fucking idiot. I will admit though: when I get drunk I do tend to forget where I left my drink. In fact, at a holiday party over the weekend I ended up accusing the host of hiding my stein from me, and punched him in the teeth. Turns out it was in my other hand the whole time! I'm silly!

Goin' To The Dogs

You all remember dog-killah Michael -"I was tired of being the quarterback of a professional football team anyway"- Vick, right? Well, he was sentenced today to 23 months in prison, according to TMZ. He pleaded guilty in August to participating in a dogfighting ring where several dogs were drowned or hung if they didn’t perform well (or were injured) in the fights. Well, it looks justice has been served because Michael Vick is the one in the doghouse now! Zing!

Fantasy Recap, Week 13: All Or Nuthin' At All

It's gettin' down to the wire, sports fans!

Next week begins the playoffs in my Yahoo! league. All of the other leagues have one more week of regular season to go. Out of 5 leagues? I could make the playoffs in four (with a little help from a lot of variables, including the weather in Seattle).

So, in my NFL.COM league? I won!

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 63-59

The last two weeks of the season are all inter-division. To wit: I'm playing teams in my division. Since I only have a 1-game lead, it's kinda' important to not lose. Not that not losing is ever not important... but now it's less not important than ever.

East
Catchers in the Rye 8-5-0
Textboo 6-7-0
Eau Claire Vandals 5-8-0
LacesOu 5-8-0

Central
Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 9-4-0
Death by Haiku 2 6-7-0
RumseyB 4-9-0
Goregor 3-10-0

West
DredPir 10-3-0
HolyHan 9-4-0
Mothers 8-5-0
Underdo 5-8-0

With a win or two, I should be able to make the playoffs. Rick's "Mothers of Re-invention" shares the same fate in the West division. Of course, he has some heavy hitters there to contend with. Me? I have two managers who haven't checked their lineups since... well, ever.

Oddly, I lost in that league I most always lose in.

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 98-112

Coulda' been wor-- no, actually, it couldn't have been.

Central
UsualSu 8-5-0
Clemson 7-4-2
LofasLa 7-6-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 4-8-1

East
BBbadbo 8-5-0
Knights 8-5-0
FBomber 7-6-0
royals1 6-7-0

West
TeamAlp 7-5-1
YounGGu 5-8-0
Lynchbe 5-8-0
FifeFan 4-9-0

I dunno... I think I may miss the playoffs here.

In my best league of the lot? I won!

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 91-66

I'm now, inexplicably, in 2nd place overall. Some other team has the same record, but is ahead of me by one point! One point! The nerve!

Central
Powerful Mach 5! 11-2-0
Provide 6-7-0
JediMas 6-7-0
Bigbron 3-10-0

East
NEPats 10-3-0
baldeag 7-6-0
Skeleto 2-11-0
ItaliHe 2-11-0

West
xchucki 11-2-0
Provide 9-4-0
KNIGHTS 7-6-0
Breakin 4-9-0

I don't actually have to keep winning, but it's a point of pride now. I wanna' win, and I want that point back. I have Tom Brady to thank for most of my good fortune in this league. The better news is that as long as the Patriots chase that undefeated season, Tom should play... and throw TDs. Hopefully that'll make for a productive fantasy post-season.

In my Yahoo! league? I won!

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 341-186

It was game that actually didn't matter, but the win still doesn't suck.

*1. Blast Bye 11-2-0
*2. Night Train 10-3-0
*3. De chier des bulles 9-4-0
*4. MightyPurpleHelmets 8-5-0
*5. Blue Blazer Regulars 8-5-0
*6. Extreme Hummingbird 5-8-0
7. Snooze Alarm 5-8-0
8. LiL Man 4-9-0
9. Purple People Eaters 4-9-0
10. Intercepticons 1-12-0


Next week is the first round of the playoffs here, and I'm facing Rick again. I'm not optimistic.

In the office Yahoo! league? I won! Phew!

This is a dicey a situation as you can face in fantasy football. I'm on the playoff bubble. I needed to win the two remaining games to squeak into the post-season. I was hoping for some help with a loss by another 4-7 team, but instead the bastards won their games as well, so we're all shooting for that #8 spot... sad as that sounds.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 289.75-233.84

*1. Death by Haiku 10-3-0
*2. BALCO 10-3-0
*3. Death by Colon Blast 10-3-0
*4. The Flying Frenchman 9-4-0
*5. San Diego Zoo 7-6-0
*6. The Pastry Ducks 7-6-0
7. LightsOut 6-7-0
8. Livefree; Rhymehard 5-8-0
9. Bliss's Blitzers 5-8-0
10. Baby Bashers 5-8-0
11. The Tony Danza's 4-9-0
12. ativan stat 0-13-0

So one more win, and I make the playoffs. Sure... no problem. No pressure... missing the playoffs just means no more fantasy football in that league... just means... nuthin' at all.

Winehouse Of Horrors

To Jethro Tull's undying chagrin, Amy Winehouse received six nominations for the 50th Annual Grammy Awards a couple days ago. She was second to Kanye West who received eight nominations. Reuters reports:

"Winehouse, 24, was nominated in all four of the top categories: record of the year, album of the year, song of the year (a songwriter's award), and best new artist."

It's too bad she has absolutely no idea what the hell a Grammy is, but it’ll be fun to see her perform. I wonder if they can get her to duet with Britney Spears? Could you imagine? Ten bucks says the Earth opens up in the orchestra pit, and Satan pops out to apologize. “Sorry,” he’ll say. “I went way overboard with these two. I was drinking, playing some online poker and not really paying attention. Can you believe the blonde one had kids? Wow, didn’t see that coming. It’s cool though. I’m going to take these two back to hell with me and, I dunno, toss them in a lake of fire or something. Toot-a-loo!" And that’s how the devil saved Christmas. The End.

"Looks Like Darth Vader's Bathroom"

In other "dream cars of my formative years" news, the janitors at Universal Studios recently leaked a photo of the new Knight Industries Three Thousand ("KITT", if you're nasty):

That's right, gearheads, it's a Ford Shelby GT500 Mustang! You can get back to changing the air freshener in your girlfriend's Caravan now.

PS: Oh, and don't act like you're surprised anyone is resurrecting the venerable Knight Rider franchise.

PPS: For those of you who need a reminder -and if you do, what are you doing reading this blog, anyway?- here's your ol' pal, the Knight Industries Two Thousand (Hasselhoff not included):

Go!

Robots From The Future

Hanukkiah Li Yesh

"Hanukkah is the Jewish Feast of Lights or Feast of Dedication.The Hebrew word Hanukkah means dedication. Hanukkah is also written Hannuka or Chanukah. The holiday begins on the eve of the 25th day of the Hebrew Month of Kislev and lasts eight days. Hanukkah usually falls in the month of December, but occasionally can start in November.

The books of the Maccabees tell the story of Hanukkah which occurred in 165 B.C. After three years of struggle, the Jews in Judea defeated the Syrian tyrant Antiochus. The Jewish people held festivities in the Temple of Jerusalem, and rededicated it to God. After removing all Syrian idols from the Temple, the Jews found only one small cruse of oil which to light their holy lamps. Miraculously, the cruse provided oil for eight days. Judas Maccabaeus, the Jewish leader, then proclaimed a festival to be observed by Jews.

During Hanukkah, gifts are exchanged and contributions are made to the poor. Each evening, one additional candle is lit on the Hanukkah menorah (candelabra). By the last evening, eight lighted candles stand together."

Nun First & The Gimel Gimels

Directions - How to play the Dreidel Game

1. Give each player 20 pennies

2. Each player puts 2 pennies in a pot.

3. Spin the dreidel! The letter facing up when the dreidel stops does the following:

• Nun - do nothing
• Gimel - take everything
• Hey - Take half of the pot
• Shin - Put one penny in the pot

4. Throughout the game, ask players to count pennies.

It's Christmas All Over The World

Diva Down!

So our lady of perpetual entropy (Britney Spears) recently went shopping for panties late one night at the Hustler Store in West Hollywood. She took a bunch of sexy thongs to the dressing room where store employees told her customers can’t try on underwear. Britney with her lack of hygiene and common sense flipped her shit. Us Magazine reports:

"At that point, Spears threw a fit, and took off her own underwear before trying on a pair of boyshorts (with "Barely Legal' stitched across the rear end) in the middle of the store while 15 other customers looked on. An eyewitness tells Us, "The employees kept saying 'Don't change out here!' She's just like, 'Well, I couldn't take them in the fitting room!' It was like dealing with a child."

Since the boyshorts were now hazardous material, employees told Britney she had to pay for them:

“She rolled her eyes, but paid with a credit card," the source tells Us. As payback, "on her way out, she went up to a mannequin, snatched the wig off the head, and stole it!"

I love how Britney Spear’s natural reaction to any confrontation is frontal nudity. I admire that. It’s something her fans can look up to: when faced with adversity, the first line of defense is taking off your pants.

Fantasy Recap, Week 12: One Long Pair Of Eyes

One thing about fantasy football: you have to keep an eye on what's comin'. It's a long season, and winning? Winning, it turns out, is pretty important... but as important? That the right opponents lose at opportune times. This is never truer than here at the ass-end of the season.

Let's take a look at why, shall we?

In my NFL.COM league... I won!

Catchers in the Rye

Projected: Win

Actual: Win 116-64

East

Catchers in the Rye 7-5-0

Eau Claire Vandals 5-7-0

LacesOu 5-7-0

Textboo 5-7-0

Central

Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 8-4-0

Death by Haiku 2 5-7-0

RumseyB 4-8-0

Goregor 3-9-0

West

DredPir 10-2-0

HolyHan 9-3-0

Mothers 7-5-0

Underdo 4-8-0

See, in the NFL leagues, the playoffs begin in Week 15. The first place team in each division makes the playoffs, along with one division's 2nd -place team with the best record. The "easiest" way to make the playoffs, then, is to be #1 in your division. At this point, I'm #1 in mine... but if I lose the last two games, and one other team in my division wins the last two games? I'm out of the playoffs. But, as they say: so far, so good.

In that hopelessly crappy NFL.COM league? I lost.

Sith Lords of the Gridiron

Projected: Loss

Actual: Loss 99-106

Central

Clemson 7-3-2

UsualSu 7-5-0

LofasLa 6-6-0

Sith Lords of the Gridiron 4-7-1

East

BBbadbo 8-4-0

Knights 7-5-0

FBomber 6-6-0

royals1 6-6-0

West

TeamAlp 6-5-1

Lynchbe 5-7-0

YounGGu 4-8-0

FifeFan 4-8-0

There's really no math here that makes the playoffs possible. Sorry to disappoint you.

Last of the NFL.COM leagues is actually first in my fantasy football lovin' heart... and yes, it's because I'm #1 in that league. I'm just that shallow. Oh, and I won.

The Powerful Mach 5!

Projected: Win

Actual: Win 119-115

Central

Powerful Mach 5! 10-2-0

Provide 6-6-0

JediMas 6-6-0

Bigbron 2-10-0

East

NEPats 9-3-0

baldeag 6-6-0

Skeleto 2-10-0

ItaliHe 2-10-0

West

Xchucki 10-2-0

Provide 9-3-0

KNIGHTS 6-6-0

Breakin 4-8-0

Actually, I'm handily #1 in my division, but another team has been on a winning streak, and has actually surpassed me in points, so now I'm #2 overall... by one point. The good news is that at this point I can't miss the playoffs here. Go Speed Racer! Go!

In my Yahoo! league? I got whupped. Whupped!

Blue Blazer Regulars

Projected: Win

Actual: Loss 231-348.50

*1. Purple Flat. Blasts 10-2-0

*2. De chier des bulles 9-3-0

*3. Night Train 9-3-0

*4. MightyPurpleHelmets 7-5-0

*5. Blue Blazer Regulars 7-5-0

6. Extreme Hummingbird 5-7-0

7. Snooze Alarm 5-7-0

8. LiL Man 4-8-0

9. Purple People Eaters 3-9-0

10. Intercepticons 1-11-0

* Clinched Playoff Spot

Of course, I've clinched a playoff spot, so in a sense it's no big deal... but then my pride starts messin' with me.... We have one more "regular season" game in this league, so I have a shot at getting back up to 5th... but that's about the best I can hope for. Nancy, meanwhile, has been on quite the winning streak, and sits happily in second! At this point she not only made the playoffs, but has earned a bye in the first week! Pretty cool!

Finally, in the office Yahoo! league... I lost.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

Projected: Loss

Actual: Loss 222.06-380.40

1. Death by Haiku 10-2-0

*2. BALCO 9-3-0

*3. CA Hot Blasts! 9-3-0

*4. The Flying Frenchman 8-4-0

*5. The Pastry Ducks 7-5-0

*6. San Diego Zoo 7-5-0

7. LightsOut 6-6-0

8. Bliss's Blitzers 5-7-0

9. Livefree; Rhymehard 4-8-0

10. Baby Bashers 4-8-0

11. Alabama Hot Pockets 3-9-0

12. ativan stat 0-12-0

* Clinched Playoff Spot

In this league we have two more regular season games... which is problematic. The top 8 teams make the playoffs, and as you can see, I'm mired in 9th place. If I win the last two games, I make the playoffs. Because of whom I'm playing, if I lose one game, there's almost no chance of me making the post-season... which has never happened to me in an office league. Another thing that I've never seen happen? Tony clamped on to 1st place like a Regulan Blood Worm. He's had a very impressive run, tellyouwhat.

So, after 12 weeks I'll certainly make the playoffs in two leagues. Likely make it in three... and with a great deal of luck, maybe even make it to the post-season in 4 of 5 leagues. Who could have foreseen?

Reindeer Game

Run, Run Rudolph.

Wily Dancers

Revealing

Those folks at Empire Online are such teases. They have a new picture of the Joker, but rather than just showing it so the world can breath a sigh of relief and say, yes, that is Heath Ledger wearing a pinstriped purple suit and panda/clown makeup while making a pouty face, they're slowly revealing it throughout the week.

Seems the image is being uncovered a square at a time, so right now all you can see is the above image of his feet. As you'd expect, the unadulterated madness of the Joker does not hinder him from buying fancy dress socks, so long as they fit his particular color scheme. Buying expensive socks at Banana Republic is so crazy!

Little (Robot) Wing

Jehosaphat's boots! The XPV R.A.D. Robotic Air Defense toy ($65) is billed as an "awesome flying robot toy". While it does fly, and the figure attached does light up and do some talking, I'm hard pressed to call him a robot. I expect more out of a robot than blinking eyes and missile sounds. However, the thing still seems pretty cool.

"Capable of performing amazing aerial stunts. Flight range of over 300 feet. Flies up to 30 MPH and over 20 stories. New, super-light stealth styling inspired by real stealth planes. Twin turbo engine design. Made with impact resistant material. Includes first aid vehicle repair kit. Detachable blaster included. 2 Channel controller."

Not only that, but the thing drives on land and the XPV battery charger can charge other USB devices you may have on you. Whoo-wee! Last Christmas I bought one of those micro-helicopters for myself because no one else loves me. It was pretty fun until I wrecked it in the ceiling fan trying to evade a cat. This year I may treat myself to one of these bad boys and chase squirrels around the yard. Because that's what you do when you have no friends.

Too Wrecked To Care, Anyway

Proving that the general public is only half as stupid as you feared, sales for Britney Spears' new album Blackout have come to a crawl after fans bought only 430,000 copies, according to FOX News:

"On Friday morning, "Blackout" stands at No. 59 on Amazon.com. It’s also No.
13 on iTunes, which means that its downloading days are dwindling as well.A new
single, “Piece of Me,” is getting some airplay including on the nation’s top pop
station, New York’s Z-100. But that doesn’t seem to make much of a
difference."

I’m surprised, actually. I thought Britney’s new album was excellent. I even bought copies for my family and handed them out at Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone seemed pretty happy. I mean, despite my parents disowning me and my 90-year-old grandmother trying to stab me in the neck with a turkey leg. Then my uncle said something about making it "look like a hunting accident.” I dunno, I was too busy trying to suck all the booze out of the rum cake with a straw before the cops came.

Wonder Twin Powers: Activate!

These 8-year old twins, tired of being bullied, have developed wedgie-proof underwear, the Rip-Away 1000s. This may be the greatest internet video of all time, those poor little bastards. It may also be the saddest. You just have to watch. The only problem is, I failed to hear any mention of swirlie-proof heads, indicating these kids still have plenty years of torture ahead of them.

Fantasy Recap, Week 11: I'm Only Sleeping

Week 11 has gone by... and I tell ya', it's almost like I slept through it. Now that the bye weeks are over, I could almost leave a lineup alone. I don't, y'understand... but I could.

So, in my NFL.COM league? I lost.

Catchers in the Rye

Projected: Win

Actual: Loss 84-90

East

Catchers in the Rye 6-5-0

LacesOu 5-6-0

Textboo 5-6-0

Eau Claire Vandals 4-7-0

Central

Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 7-4-0

Death by Haiku 2 5-6-0

RumseyB 3-8-0

Goregor 3-8-0

West

DredPir 9-2-0

HolyHan 9-2-0

Mothers 6-5-0

Underdo 4-7-0

There's no shame in losing, since I lost to Kathleen's "Holy Hand Grenades of Antioch" and all... but winning woulda' been better. Now, somehow, it's a horse race in my division, and I'm playing Mario this week. If I lose, I may barely hang on to #1 in my division... and #1? That's my only shot at making the playoffs.

Over in that "Can't Win for Losing" league? I won.

Sith Lords of the Gridiron

Projected: Loss

Actual: Win 109-76

Central

Clemson 6-3-2

UsualSu 6-5-0

LofasLa 6-5-0

Sith Lords of the Gridiron 4-6-1

East

BBbadbo 7-4-0

Knights 7-4-0

FBomber 6-5-0

royals1 5-6-0

West

TeamAlp 5-5-1

Lynchbe 5-6-0

YounGGu 4-7-0

FifeFan 3-8-0

Like the man said: "So what? Big deal." I mean, everyone in my division would have to lose every remaining game while I win every remaining game for me even to have a shot at the playoffs here. Still, winning is nice.

In that league I once ruled? I won. And I still rule.

The Powerful Mach 5!

Projected: Win

Actual: Win 118-59

Central

Powerful Mach 5! 9-2-0

Provide 6-5-0

JediMas 5-6-0

Bigbron 2-9-0

East

NEPats 8-3-0

Baldeag 5-6-0

Skeleto 2-9-0

ItaliHe 2-9-0

West

Provide 9-2-0

Xchucki 9-2-0

KNIGHTS 6-5-0

Breakin 3-8-0

I got some mathematical help 'cause the team behind me in my division played a heavy-hitter in another division, and lost. So the good news is I widened my lead in my division. The bad -if shallow- news is that as a result I share a 9-2 record now with two other teams. I'm still overall points leader, though... and I'm willing to bet I dress better than those other guys.

In my Yahoo! league? I lost. Huge.

Blue Blazer Regulars

Projected: Loss

Actual: Loss 203.00-366.50

*1. Purple Flat. Blasts 9-2-0

*2. Night Train 9-2-0

*3. De chier des bulles 8-3-0

*4. Blue Blazer Regulars 7-4-0

5. MightyPurpleHelmets 6-5-0

6. Extreme Hummingbird 5-6-0

7. Snooze Alarm 4-7-0

8. LiL Man 3-8-0

9. Purple People Eaters 3-8-0

10. Intercepticons 1-10-0

* Clinched Playoff Spot

The cool news is I've clinched a playoff spot! So has Nancy! Woot!

I've almost done the opposite of that in the office Yahoo! league. Over there? I won.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

Projected: Win

Actual: Win 265.16-223.06

*1. Death by Haiku 9-2-0

*2. BALCO 8-3-0

*3. Flatulence Blasts! 8-3-0

4. The Pastry Ducks 7-4-0

5. The Flying Frenchman 7-4-0

6. San Diego Zoo 6-5-0

7. LightsOut 6-5-0

8. Livefree; Rhymehard 4-7-0

9. Bliss's Blitzers 4-7-0

10. Baby Bashers 4-7-0

11. Alabama Hot Pockets 3-8-0

12. ativan stat 0-11-0

* Clinched Playoff Spot

I'm just not sure it matters. It moved me up into the playoffs, sure... but I'm playing Tony's #1 team this week, and the rest of the season's no cakewalk, so making the playoffs here'll be tough.

Huh. Week 12 comin' up, and it turns out there's miles to go before I sleep.

Already?

Gobble, Gobble, We Accept You, One Of Us

Thanks. Giving.

This Space Intentionally Left Blank

Could Drive A Kid To Drink... And Would

This hadly seems like news, but what the hell.

Commissioner Scott Gordon ordered recently that Britney Spears is no longer allowed to drive with her children in the car. Britney had run a red-light last week with her children and court appointed monitor in the car which prompted Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan to call for an emergency hearing. They wanted to revoke Britney’s driving privileges and succeeded, according to E! News:

"Orders were made," Kaplan said upon leaving the courtroom. "I can't discuss
the content of those orders. Documents have not been released by the court, and
I don't know if they will be. The matter will be continued at a future
date."

For those of you reading at home, that’s lawyer talk for “Hell yeah, we kicked some ass.” Though I don’t really think Kevin’s lawyers are in a position to brag. I mean, their job is way too easy. I’m sure they can get the judge to agree with them on anything. They could petition the judge to make Britney Spears grow a mustache and box a kangaroo and he’d probably go for it.

Fantasy Recap, Week 10: Lay Your Hands On Me

I'm in five leagues this year. Two of those I run, and in those two? I can't even tell you how many people are looking to me for answers. Questions about line-ups, or rankings or stat corrections, and not a one of those asking seems to consider the possibility that it's really not in my best interest to help them, since we are in competition.... Yet, help them I do, and I have to think that this is just how jesus felt. Only I have more comfortable shoes.


So, in the spirit of our li'l allegory, I'll keep this brief.

In my NFL.COM league? Won!

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 86-56

East
Catchers in the Rye 6-4-0
LacesOu 5-5-0
Eau Claire Vandals 4-6-0
Textboo 4-6-0

Central
Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 6-4-0
Death by Haiku 2 5-5-0
Goregor 3-7-0
RumseyB 2-8-0

West
DredPir 8-2-0
HolyHan 8-2-0
Mothers 6-4-0
Underdo 3-7-0

Some other NFL.COM league? Won!

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 110-92

Central
Clemson 6-3-1
LofasLa 6-4-0
UsualSu 5-5-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 3-6-1

East
BBbadbo 7-3-0
FBomber 6-4-0
Knights 6-4-0
royals1 5-5-0

West
TeamAlp 5-5-0
Lynchbe 4-6-0
YounGGu 3-7-0
FifeFan 3-7-0

That league I used to be undefeated in? Lost!

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 67-81

Central
Powerful Mach 5! 8-2-0
Provide 6-4-0
JediMas 5-5-0
Bigbron 2-8-0

East
NEPats 7-3-0
baldeag 5-5-0
Skeleto 2-8-0
ItaliHe 2-8-0

West
Provide 8-2-0
xchucki 8-2-0
KNIGHTS 5-5-0
Breakin 2-8-0

My Yahoo! league? Won!

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 229.62-296.12

*1. Purple Flat. Blasts 8-2-0
*2. Night Train 8-2-0
3. De chier des bulles 7-3-0
4. Blue Blazer Regulars 7-3-0
5. MightyPurpleHelmets 5-5-0
6. Extreme Hummingbird 4-6-0
7. Snooze Alarm 4-6-0
8. LiL Man 3-7-0
9. Purple People Eaters 3-7-0
10. Intercepticons 1-9-0

* = Clinched Playoff Spot

The office Yahoo! league? Won!

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 268-205

*1. Death by Haiku 8-2-0
*2. Flatulence Blasts! 8-2-0
3. The Pastry Ducks 7-3-0
4. BALCO 7-3-0
5. The Flying Frenchman 7-3-0
6. San Diego Zoo 5-5-0 .
7. LightsOut 5-5-0
8. Bliss's Blitzers 4-6-0
9. Livefree; Rhymehard 3-7-0
10. Alabama Hot Pockets 3-7-0
11. Baby Bashers 3-7-0
12. ativan stat 0-10-0

* = Clinched Playoff Spot

So there you go. Won 4 of 5... and it doesn't look like it'll take a miracle to make the playoffs in at least two leagues. Blessed be.

Knife Blocked

Tellyouwhat, the Throwzini Knife Block isn't your ordinary knife receptacle. Okay it is, but at least it looks good. Iresembles the "Rotating Wheel of Puncture Wounds" I saw at a circus once as a kid. It was awesome, the dude caught a knife right in the leg. Blood was spurting like a ruptured fire hydrant. Urban Trend will be selling these soon, for an undisclosed price. I managed to get my hands on one early, and I've got to say I'm a little disappointed. I thought you were actually supposed to throw the knives into the slots, and that magnets or something would guide them into their holes. I ended up losing the two smallest toes on my right foot, my left thumb, and a cat before I figured out that's not how it works.

Jingle Belle

So, as I'm sure you all know, Jessica Simpson co-hosted The View yesterday. To no one's real surprise, she didn’t really talk much when it came to current events. She plugged her new fashion line then resorted to her trademark blank stare for the rest of the show, according to Page Six:

"She was never intended to be on the show as a moderator," noted an insider
who alerted Page Six to the episode. "It was all a big plug for her label -
Jessica barely even talked to the guests."

I think Jessica Simpson should’ve been allowed to talk to the guests. You know, just so we could watch her head explode when one of them tried to explain what a newspaper is. “So, what do you mean?” she’d ask. “You... what’s the word... read? You ‘read’ the words and it put ‘facts’ in your head about what’s happening in, what was it... the 'world'? I don’t feel so good.” KERPLOW!

Pop Star

Someone should write a book about "things that seemed like a good idea at the time". Incandescent light bulbs... Three's A Crowd... Goldwater Conservatism....

The Electronic Bubble Wrap Keychain from Thinkgeek ($10) is exactly what it sounds like. It's a little keychain with 8 buttons, and every time you push one it makes a popping noise like bubble wrap. Except it doesn't sound the same. Well at least not in the video. And you don't get the satisfaction of destroying something. For every 100 pops it rewards you with a round of applause or some other noise. This thing reminds me of the Snap Your Fingers keychain I tried to market a year ago. You pushed a button and it sounded like you were snapping your fingers. Seemed like a good idea for a minute, but once I sobered up and got released from the drunk tank I realized it was stupid.

Balls On My Fingers & Time On My Hands

{insert ring pun here}

Okay ladies (and men who like wearing jewelry), here comes a novel ring concept by Charles Windlin! It's a ring watch that uses 1,400 metal balls to tell the time. Each ball has a decorative and magnetic side, and is electrically activated to show the appropriate side to either tell the time or display a message. Charles claims that the ring uses far less energy than an LCD display. You know what else uses far less energy than an LCD display? A sundial. Except when you have to use a flashlight to read it at night. Then you're using batteries.

Allez Cuisine!

There's a new Iron Chef in town.

Me? I miss the old days....

High Concept

I don't know what's more annoying about this "concept art" for the upcoming Astro Boy: the fact that they're deciding to make concept art at all (are the 50 years worth of manga not enough?), or that they're making such pathetic little changes. More metal stuff on the arm gun? Brilliant. If anything, make him less naked, or at least do something that would distinguish him from a cyborg Big Boy.

Smart Mouse. Dumb Terminal.

The Brain Gold Mouse is a mouse that loosely resembles a golden brain. Or exactly resembles a golden brain, if brains were actually golden. It's made by Pat Says Now, features 800 DPI, and costs a staggering $43. Why this product exists is a mystery to me. It seems stupid, yet I have to assume it's for people who want other people to know just how smart they are. I heart an ironic brain mouse!

Fox On The Run

Britney Spears ran a red light at a dangerous intersection while trying to use her cell phone recently. Not only were her kids in the car, but so was the court-appointed monitor. She’s already in love with Britney to begin with, so I’m sure a near-death experience just strengthened the bond. The whole thing was captured on tape and will probably spell trouble for Britney considering the judge doesn't approve of her driving. TMZ reports:

"The Popwreck approached the light slowly on Coldwater Canyon. You then see
Britney raise her cellphone to her face. It is unclear if she's texting or
making a call. She then drives into the intersection as someone outside the car
screams, "Red light, red light!" Britney then turns left onto Mulholland Drive,
managing to miss oncoming traffic."

I find it amazing enough that Britney Spears has the mental capacity to operate a motor vehicle, but now you want her to recognize signs and primary colors? Clearly you don’t understand what it’s like to be Britney. You’re not a pop star with a No. 1 album to promote…. Ha ha ha! Wow. Her lawyer is good. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face.

Oh look! Here's the video!

Splashnews-BritneySpearsRunsRedLightWithKidsInCar744
Uploaded by downcrush

Fantasy Recap, Week 9: Don't Stop Believing

Nine weeks down. The clock is tickin'.

So, the big news? I lost my first game in that NFL.COM league. Dammit.

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 94-104

Central
Powerful Mach 5! 8-1-0
Provide 6-3-0
JediMas 4-5-0
Bigbron 2-7-0

East
NEPats 7-2-0
baldeag 4-5-0
Skeleto 2-7-0
ItaliHe 1-8-0

West
Provide 7-2-0
Xchucki 7-2-0
KNIGHTS 4-5-0
Breakin 2-7-0

The good news is the guy in second in my division lost as well, so I'm holding my own.

Over in that "How much more can this suck?" league? I lost. Who's surprised?

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 86-129

Central
LofasLa 6-3-0
Clemson 5-3-1
UsualSu 4-5-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 2-6-1

East
FBomber 6-3-0
BBbadbo 6-3-0
Knights 6-3-0
royals1 4-5-0

West
Lynchbe 4-5-0
TeamAlp 4-5-0
YounGGu 3-6-0
FifeFan 3-6-0

I have a feeling I'm not making the playoffs in this league.

In my NFL.COM league? I Lost.

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 80-110

East
LacesOu 5-4-0
Catchers in the Rye 5-4-0
Eau Claire Vandals 4-5-0
Textboo 4-5-0

Central
Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 5-4-0
Death by Haiku 2 4-5-0
RumseyB 2-7-0
Goregor 2-7-0

West
DredPir 8-1-0
HolyHan 8-1-0
Mothers 5-4-0
Underdo 2-7-0

Mario lost as well, so again, I'm holding my own. Now if Mario would have the decency to lose a few games, I could take the division over and make the playoffs!

In the office Yahoo! league? I lost. Again. Dammit.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 225.52-242.11

1. Death by Haiku 7-2-0
2. BALCO 7-2-0
3. Flatulence Blasts! 7-2-0
4. The Pastry Ducks 6-3-0
5. The Flying Frenchman 6-3-0
6. LightsOut 5-4-0
7. San Diego Zoo 4-5-0
8. Bliss's Blitzers 4-5-0
9. Alabama Hot Pockets 3-6-0
10. Baby Bashers 3-6-0
11. Livefree; Rhymehard 2-7-0
12. ativan stat 0-9-0

If I could string together a few wins, I could actually make the playoffs (the top 8 teams make the playoffs). The tricky part? Stringing together the wins.

Finally, in my Yahoo! league... I won!

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 308-254

1. Purple Flat. Blasts 7-2-0
2. Night Train 7-2-0
3. De chier des bulles 6-3-0
4. Blue Blazer Regulars 6-3-0
5. MightyPurpleHelmets 5-4-0
6. Snooze Alarm 4-5-0
7. Extreme Hummingbird 4-5-0
8. Purple People Eaters 3-6-0
9. LiL Man 2-7-0
10. Intercepticons 1-8-0

I actually beat the #2 team (the mysterious "Night Train"). Nancy, meanwhile, who barely looks at her roster, also won, and remains above me in the standings. If the playoffs were today, we'd play each other in the first round.

It's hard to believe that the playoffs are right around the corner. Of course, it's not all about the championship. Oh, no. It's not the destination, but the journey.

These Aren't The Nerds You're Looking For

The NY Jedi Academy is kind of what it sounds like -- it's a school in New York that teaches nerds how to swing fake light sabers around like idiots. The founder talks about "hero-building", which was weird because I didn't see a single person in the video capable of lifting a truck off an elderly lady. Regardless, how can you call yourself a Jedi school with no classes in mind tricks? Or maybe when it comes to the NY Jedi Academy, the one mind trick is enough.

That's What Science Is All About, Charlie Brown!

Introducing the Gamerator! It's an arcade game cabinet with a chilled kegerator in the rear that holds a 1/4 keg. It comes preloaded with 187 classic games, and even has built in cupholders. They're on sale via ebay, and the bidding starts at $2,000. My only complaint with the unit is the capacity of the silver overflow collector. You know, because I'm going to be peeing in it a lot.

Patton Down The Hatch

AvPeeeeeyooooooooo

The problem with this Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem banner -aside from the concept it's promoting- is that this is like the lamest pose a Predator can make. If you could be there, at the Predator Bar Mitzvah (or wherever they get their learning claws), this is definitely what every 13-year-old Predator is doing.

"Did you see my claws, dude? Get a shot of me showing my claws. Wait, is the red light on? I want the red light on, too."

And this is clearly every Predator's senior picture. It's their equivalent to our holding the lame instrument you play in band.

Miss A(n) Lycanthrope

WWSD?

When I came across these pictures of Slash sitting at a card table in a bookstore, I assumed he was there to drink his weight in Jack Daniels then shoot laser beams out of his guitar in the cooking section. Turns out he hit up Barnes & Noble to sign his book.

Yup, that’s right. Slash wrote a book.

I’m going to assume without reading it that it will be the greatest book of our generation. Sure, it might not be an empowering tale of sisterhood, or inspiring ruminations on life after death. But what it will have is strippers. By the hundreds. And tales of Axel snorting coke from dog's colons. I’m pretty much going to throw away my copy of the Bible. Won’t be needing that anymore. Thanks, Slash!

Fantasy Recap, Week 8: Hammer Down

It's hammer time.

I tell ya', one of these leagues? I'm puttin' the hammer down. Most of 'em? I'm holding a hammer on my lap. And the worst of them? I'm striking myself repeatedly in the head. With a hammer.

In my NFL.COM league? I won!

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 109-46

East
LacesOu 5-3-0
Catchers in the Rye 5-3-0
Eau Claire Vandals 4-4-0
Textboo 4-4-0

Central
Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 4-4-0
Death by Haiku 2 3-5-0
RumseyB 2-6-0
Goregor 2-6-0

West
DredPir 7-1-0
HolyHan 7-1-0
Mothers 4-4-0
Underdo 1-7-0

I've clawed my way up to second in my division, but naturally, this week I'm playing the #1 team in the league... and once again, the name of my fantasy football pain is "Shane." Shane! Don't win, Shane!

Over in the "hammer head" league? Guess what? I lost!

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 53-86

Central
LofasLa 6-2-0
Clemson 4-3-1
UsualSu 4-4-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 2-5-1

East
BBbadbo 6-2-0
FBomber 5-3-0
Knights 5-3-0
royals1 3-5-0

West
Lynchbe 4-4-0
YounGGu 3-5-0
TeamAlp 3-5-0
FifeFan 2-6-0

It didn't help that I failed to start a defenese, but truth be told, it wouldn't have made a difference. Sigh.

But the good news is I won in that other NFL.COM league!

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 124-83

Central
Powerful Mach 5! 8-0-0
Provide 5-3-0
JediMas 4-4-0
Bigbron 2-6-0

East
NEPats 6-2-0
baldeag 4-4-0
Skeleto 2-6-0
ItaliHe 0-8-0

West
Provide 6-2-0
xchucki 6-2-0
KNIGHTS 3-5-0
Breakin 2-6-0

That makes me 8-0! Woot! Remember: that's how long my last winning streak lasted, so winning this weekend would be good on so many levels.

In the office Yahoo! league? I won!

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 219.10-137.94

1. Death by Haiku 6-2-0
2. BALCO 6-2-0
3. Arsenal 6-2-0
4. The Flying Frenchman 6-2-0
5. The Pastry Ducks 5-3-0
6. LightsOut 5-3-0
7. Bliss's Blitzers 4-4-0
8. San Diego Zoo 3-5-0
9. Alabama Hot Pockets 3-5-0
10. Livefree; Rhymehard 2-6-0
11. Baby Bashers 2-6-0
12. ativan stat 0-8-0

Of course, I played the worst team in the league, but since this week I'm playing one of the best teams, I'm okay with that.

In my Yahoo! league? I won!

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 248-240

1. Purple Crap Stains 7-1-0
2. Night Train 7-1-0
3. MightyPurpleHelmets 5-3-0
4. De chier des bulles 5-3-0
5. Blue Blazer Regulars 5-3-0
6. Snooze Alarm 3-5-0
7. Extreme Hummingbird 3-5-0
8. LiL Man 2-6-0
9. Purple People Eaters 2-6-0
10. Intercepticons 1-7-0

I was winning handily 'till Monday night, and even then my lead was comfortable... until Favre threw that last TD pass in overtime, that is. I watched a 50-point fantasy lead whither down to 5 points in 20 minutes. Yikes. Wound up winning -which I can't complain about- but there's gotta' be easier ways.

If you're scoring at home, that means I won 4 out of 5 games. So for the week? I pretty much nailed it.

Run Silent, Cut Deep