In Darkest Knight

I was trying, really, to keep my expectations in check. Now I give up.



Holy shit will this film rule.

When The Angels Eat Toast

My friends, Freddie Yauner is a nutjob, absolutely... but he's a nutjob with a dream. A pretty lame dream. A dream of building "The Highest Popping Toaster In The World". And here it is. It uses high-pressure CO2 and a mechanical arm to blast your toast through the ceiling and kill the woman in the apartment above yours that you swear must run on the fucking treadmill directly above your desk all day long. I mean, really? She doesn't have a patio? That thing doesn't fit in her carport? There isn't still that "outside" I've heard so much about, where people can run in the wild? That's it, I'm going up there and screaming at her until she cries.

UPDATE: Dammit, she distracted me with a loaf of banana bread and I forgot what I went up there for. I think she's a witch.

Kanye Comedian

I don't normally care about or even notice him, but recently Kanye West flipped out on his blog about people criticizing his performance at Bonnaroo. Kanye made festival-goers wait 2-3 hours trying to get his stage show set up. He didn't perform until after 4 a.m. He blames Bonnaroo organizers and Pearl Jam for ending their show an hour late. Here's an excerpt from his blog at Kanye Universe City:

"I am sick of negative people who just sit around trying 2 plot my downfall... Why???? I understand if people don't like me because I like me or if people think tight clothes look gay or people say I run my mouth to much, But this Bonnaroo thing is the worst insult I've ever had in my life. This is the most offended I've ever been... this is the maddest I ever will be. I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!! Call me any name you want.... arrogant, conceited, narcissistic, racist, metro, fag whatever you can think of.... BUT NEVER SAY I DIDN'T GIVE MY ALL! NEVER SAY I DIDN'T GIVE MY ALL! THIS SHOWS NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING THERE WILL BE PEOPLE THERE TO LIE ABOUT YOU AND BRING YOU DOWN! LIKE WAYNE SAYS PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME DOWN CAUSE I'M FLYING! I'M FUCKING HURT BY THIS ONE. ALL I CARE ABOUT ARE THE FANS. JUST SAY THIS OUT LOUD IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, "KANYE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT GIVING A GOOD PERFORMANCE." CAN ANYONE HONESTLY SAY THAT ????????? HAS ANYONE EVEN TAKEN THE TIME TO AT LEAST DO THE MATH??? BONNAROO SHOULD HAVE RELEASED A STATEMENT IN MY DEFENSE BUT SINCE THEY HAVEN'T LET'S BREAK DOWN THE WALLS ON THIS TRUMAN SHOW AND LET YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY OCCURRED!!! FOR OVER A MONTH WE WENT BACK AND FORTH ON WETHER OR NOT WE COULD EVEN FIT MY STAGE AT THE FESTIVAL. ONE DAY THEY WOULD SAY YES... WE'D SEND THEM OUR SPECS THEN THEY THEY'D SAY OK... THEN THEY WOULD SEND SPECS BACK THAT DIDN'T FIT THE STAGE. WE WERE OBVIOUSLY DEALING WITH FUCKING IDIOTS WHO DIDN'T REALLY HAVE THE CAPACITY TO REALLY PUT ON THIS SHOW PROPERLY. THEY TRIED 2 GIVE ME A TIME SLOT WERE IT WAS STILL LIGHT OUTSIDE ... I HAVE A FUCKING LIGHT SHOW DUMB ASS, IT'S NOT CALLED GLOW IN THE DARK FOR NO REASON SQUID BRAINS! MY PEOPLE WORKED OUT A COMPROMISED STAGE PLOT AND A 3AM TIME SLOT AND I AGREED. FAST FOWARD TO THE DAY OF THE SHOW. MY PRODUCTION MANAGER TRIED TO LOAD IN FOR 24 HOURS BEFORE I WENT ON STAGE BUT THE FESTIVAL WOULDN'T ALLOW US TO DO ANYTHING UNTILL PEARL JAM LEFT THE STAGE. PEARL JAM ENDED ONEHOURLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT THAT POINT WE'RE RACING AGAINST THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Did he just call them squid brains?

Anyway, for those of you wondering why he's yelling, no, he's not in a movie theather. Kanye's just really passionate about making sure people know what a dedicated performer he is. And how much he loves overusing punctuation. LOVES IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seinfeld's Buddy

Quick Draw McGraw!

Alright, first off, I'm not a fan of country music. Well, unless it's Johnny Cash, his daughter Rosanne, Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, Willie Nelson or Hoyt Axton. Otherwise I'd rather swallow live bees than listen to it, but I am willing to give badass credit where badass credit is due.

In this case, Tim McGraw held a concert recently in Washington and saw some large bastard hit a woman. He called for security, but then took matters into his own Eastwood-esque hands. Tim's rep issued the following statement:

"While Tim was performing at the White River Amphitheater in Auburn,
Washington last night, he watched a man rush to the front of the stage. This
overly aggressive fan attacked a female fan and Tim witnessed this incident. Tim
called for security, but when they could not respond quick enough Tim and
several crew members removed the fan from the audience where he was then turned over to the local authorities."

How awesome is that? Tim McGraw basically grabs a hold of this guy, who looks sizable and seems to have no problem trying to cold cock Tim. Security finally shows up and Tim hoists the dude up by his belt buckle and literally shoves him across stage. And he finished the song without missing a beat! Kudos to you, most-likely-bald Tim McGraw!

Can It Find My Self-Respect?

In case it's somehow unclear, the Mio Knight Rider GPS unit is exactly what it sounds like: a Knight Rider-themed GPS unit.

It has red blinking lights. It's black. Basically what you're paying for is the fact that Mio got William Daniels (the distinguished voice of KITT) to do all the audio work. You choose your name from a long list, and then the unit will address you as so, making you feel a little more Knight Rider-y and a little less Minivan Rider-y. The MSRP is around $270 and they hit streets in the fall. Now before you run out and buy one, be warned: a Knight Rider GPS unit will not get you laid, it will only get you to your destination.

Shit List

Entertainment Weekly just compiled their list of the top 100 TV shows of all time, and like any such list, it courts controversy.

1. The Simpsons, Fox, 1989-present
2 The Sopranos, HBO (1999-2007)
3 Seinfeld, NBC (1989-98)
4 The X-Files, Fox (1993-2002)
5 Sex and the City, HBO (1998-2004)
6 Survivor, CBS (2000-present)
7 The Cosby Show, NBC (1984-92)
8 Lost, ABC (2004-present)
9 Friends, NBC (1994-2004)
10 Buffy the Vampire Slayer, WB (1997-2001); UPN (2001-03)
11 The Wire, HBO (2002-08)
12 South Park, Comedy Central (1997-present)
13 Freaks and Geeks, NBC (1999-2000)
14 The Daily Show, Comedy Central (1996-present)
15 The Oprah Winfrey Show, Syndicated (1986-present)
16 Arrested Development, Fox (2003-06)
17 The Office (U.K. version), BBC2 (2001-03)
18 American Idol, Fox (2002-present)
19 ER, NBC (1994-present)
20 Beverly Hills, 90210, Fox (1990-2000)
21 Roseanne, ABC (1988-97)
22 The Real World, MTV (1992-present)
23 The West Wing, NBC (1999-2006)
24 Star Trek: The Next Generation, Syndication (1987-94)
25 Miami Vice, NBC (1984-89)
26 Chappelle's Show, Comedy Central (2003-06)
27 Law & Order, NBC (1990-present)
28 The Larry Sanders Show, HBO (1992-98)
29 The Shield, FX (2002-present)
30 Late Show With David Letterman, CBS (1993-present)
31 The Civil War, PBS (1990)
32 Gilmore Girls, The WB (2000-06), The CW (2006-07)
33 My So-Called Life, ABC (1994-95)
34 24, Fox (2001-present)
35 CSI, CBS (2000-present)
36 thirtysomething, ABC (1987-91)
38 Beavis and Butt-head, MTV (1993-97)
39 Six Feet Under, HBO (2001-05)
40 Mr. Show, (HBO, 1995-98)
41 Frasier, NBC (1993-2004)
42 L.A. Law, NBC (1986-94)
43 Late Night With Conan O'Brien, NBC (1993-present)
44 Jeopardy!, Syndicated (1984-present)
45 Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO (2000-present)
46 Homicide: Life on the Street, NBC (1993-99)
47 30 Rock, NBC (2006-present)
48 Ally McBeal, Fox (1997-2002)
49 Twin Peaks, ABC (1990-91)
50 Baywatch, NBC (1989-90), Syndicated (1991-2001)
51. Melrose Place, Fox (1992-99)
52. Felicity, The WB (1998-2002)
53. Will & Grace, NBC (1998-2006)
54. Moonlighting, ABC (1985-89)
55. Pee-wee's Playhouse, CBS (1986-90)
56. Desperate Housewives, ABC (2004-present)
57. The Amazing Race, CBS (2001-present)
58. The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, NBC (1992-present)
59. Battlestar Galactica, Sci Fi (2003-2008)
60. Xena: Warrior Princess, Syndicated (1995-2001)
61. The Office (U.S.), NBC (2005-present)
62. House, Fox (2004-present)
63. Mystery Science Theater 3000, Comedy Central (1989-96), Sci Fi (1997-99)
64. The Osbournes, MTV (2002-05)
65. Family Guy, Fox (1999-2002, 2005-present)
66. Grey’s Anatomy, ABC (2005-present)
67. Planet Earth, Discovery Channel (2007)
68. Jackass, MTV (2000-02)
69. The Colbert Report, Comedy Central (2005-present)
70. Everybody Loves Raymond, CBS (1996-2005)
71. Friday Night Lights, NBC (2006-present)
72. NewsRadio, NBC (1995-99)
73. Oz, HBO (1997-2003)
74. Wiseguy, CBS (1987-90)
75. Project Runway, Bravo (2004-present)
76. In Living Color, Fox (1990-94)
77. The Golden Girls, NBC (1985-92)
78. I'll Fly Away, NBC (1991-93)
79. The Comeback, HBO (2005)
80. King of the Hill, Fox (1997-present)
81. Murphy Brown, CBS (1988-98)
82. The Hills, MTV (2006-present)
83. Absolutely Fabulous, BBC2 (1992), BBC1 (1994-2004)
84. Northern Exposure, CBS (1990-95)
85. The Kids in the Hall, HBO (1989-92), CBS (1992-95)
86. Prime Suspect, ITV (1991-2006)
87. Deadwood, HBO (2004-06)
88. Malcolm in the Middle, Fox (2000-06)
89. SpongeBob SquarePants, Nickelodeon (1999-present)
90. Dawson's Creek, The WB (1998-2003)
91. Mad Men, AMC (2007-present)
92. The Ben Stiller Show, Fox (1992-93)
93. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bravo (2003-07)
94. Married...With Children, Fox (1987-97)
95. Designing Women, CBS (1986-93)
96. The Arsenio Hall Show, Syndicated (1989-94)
97. Party of Five, Fox (1994-2000)
98. MacGyver, ABC (1985-92)
99. The Bachelor, ABC (2002-present)
100. Saved by the Bell, NBC (1989-93)

I'll keep my comments down to these two:
1) Desperate Housewives is higher than Battlestar Galactica?
2) No Dave?

UPDATE: From page 14 of the print edition: “In the case of TV, we include shows that only debuted after 1983.” Whatever. Sorry, Dave.

And Only The Moon Howls

We miss you, George.

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." ~George Carlin

Really? Not Even One Spider Yet?

This is a picture taken by the Phoenix Lander of some ice on Mars. Or, alternatively, some ice in a box of Georgia dirt in a Hollywood backlot that somebody staged. Or, alternatively, Photoshopped ice in, well, nowhere. No but seriously, it's ice on Mars.

"The confirmation that water ice exists in the area directly surrounding the lander is big and good news for the Martian mission. NASA's stated goal for the Mars Phoenix was to find exactly this -- water ice -- and then analyze it. With the latest news, the first step is accomplished. All that's left now is to get the water into the Phoenix's instruments, a task which has occasionally proven more difficult than anticipated."

Now I know what many of you are thinking: "So. What?" Well apparently you don't understand the profound implications of such a discovery -- now we won't have to bring bagged ice to Mars to keep our drinks cold.

From The Desk Of David Lynch

Where do ideas come from? If we're talking about David Lynch's ideas, I'd assume they come from somewhere around the nexus of madness, genius, and near-evil. But as the director explains in this interview, that's not the case. Apparently, ideas come from bubbling up and hitting your consciousness ball, or from a man throwing puzzle pieces at you... and they definitely don't come from artistic suffering, because that would be like Van Gogh painting while constantly fighting intense diarrhea.

The Ultimate Power In The Universe

Holy amateur a capella singing troupes! The $400 Death Star diorama from LEGO weighs in at a whopping 3,800 pieces and is making me hotter than a volcano. A volcano on fire. The thing depicts 14 scenes from the original Star Wars trilogy and comes with 21 mini-figs, including 7 exclusive to the set!

Wow, what could be awesomer? I mean besides a LEGO Death Star big enough to live in. Because that's what I freaking want. Like my dad always says, "Dream big or don't bother sleeping. Oh, and son... keep your buttcheeks clenched tight... aliens."

Tanned And Feathered

Tanners, you're going to have to help me out on this one because I have no clue when it comes this stuff: What the hell is going on with Tila Tequila's tan? Either she went nuts with the bronzing gun, or someone left the E-Z Bake Oven open again. Which one is it? I know it's not natural because I've read the Keebler Elves' charter, and it strictly prohibits exposure to "the human's harsh sun." It's called research, kids.

That Monkey? Not So Funky.

You know me, and you know that if there's one thing I hate in the world it's robots. And that hate is only trumped by my my hatred of cute little monkeys caged in laboratories controlling robots with their brains.

So yeah, a bunch of scientists who deserve to have their diplomas and lab jackets revoked have taught some monkeys to feed themselves using only their brains to operate robotic arms. Because this is supposed to help us in one way or another. Fools.

"The animals were able to feed themselves using prosthetic arms, which
were controlled by brain activity. Small probes, the width of a human hair, were
inserted into the monkeys' primary motor cortex - the region of the brain that
controls movement.

"'The more we understand about the brain, the better we'll be able
to treat a wide range of brain disorders, everything from Parkinson's disease
and paralysis to, eventually, Alzheimer's disease and perhaps even mental
illness.' "

I call shenanigans on this. These scientists don't give two flying monkey shits about curing disease. The sick bastards are building a primate-controlled robot army to kill us all. Now let's go smash up their lab and free those poor little monkeys. Who's with me? Come on, it'll be fun. We'll get drunk on the ride back and make the monkeys drive.

Ear Bierced

And you thought it was cool when Pink Floyd inadvertantly scored The Wizard of Oz!

Lloyd says: Don't Be A Guy... Be A Man

Any Man Can Be A Father...

...it takes someone special to be a dad.

That's A Cold Shot, Babe

I have to say, that Tila Tequila packs a whole lot of ego in her Asian leprechaun body. She's claiming her MTV show A Shot at Love opened the doors to gay marriage in California, according to Us Magazine:

"It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]," she said. "Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal."

Somewhere, Ellen DeGeneres just bought a fishing net. No one usurps her "Everyone's Favorite Lesbian" throne. No one! She didn't tell Rosie to "be herself" on The View for this to happen. Now, where's her 4-wheeler with the midget harpoon gun....

Do The Less Wrong Thing

Regis and the Jonathan Goodson Estate help us, Lynne Spears' parenting memoir "Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World" is officially set to release in September. A spokesperson for the publisher confirmed the news to People:

"When Jamie Lynn got pregnant, it was put on hold," says a spokesman for
Thomas Nelson, which publishes inspirational books and Bibles. "Lynne never
stopped working on it because she wants to express her love for her children and
tell their stories through a mother's eyes."

"Through the Storm" is catchy but it lacks zazz. Here are some alternative titles that, I think, will have Lynne's book flying off shelves:

"What Do You Mean You're Pregnant?: A Mother's Struggle to Overcome Struggling."

"Have You Seen My Daugther's Vagina?: A Woman's Journey Through Womanjourneyhood."

"Where's Mommy's Taste? Raising Your Child Star Right in a Godless World."

One word of advice, Lynne? "DONTDOIT!"

With A Bang After All

"Scientist" Paul Granjon is the sadistic bastard responsible for teaching these robots how to procreate. They were programmed with five modes and act differently in each. The different modes are:

Normal: the robots roam around and run into walls
Sing: the robots continue to putt around and run into walls, but beep occasionally
In Heat: the robots try to find each other so they can do it, once located, they go for it
Sleep: after mating, the male looks for a dark place to nap
Battery Alert: worn out, the male beeps loudly before it dies

There you have it. Skip to about 1:30 to start watching the different modes, and to 2:30 to actually see them do it. Just a warning: it's every bit as disturbing as you think it'll be. And not because it's two robots having sex, but because Mr. Granjon is so into two robots having sex.

It's My Head!

Kittiwat Unarrom got a master's degree in fine arts and now makes lifelike body parts out of bread at a bakery in Thailand. All the disturbing yeast sculptures are made out of dough, raisins, cashews and chocolate. He'll also paint the outside with some sort of edible paint to give it an even more gruesome appearance. When asked why he does it, Kittiwat replied, "I'm a wackjob and I like making people sick".*




*Okay, that's really just a guess. I don't speak Bonkeros.

I Eat Cannibals

Something you never needed to know: a "Cannibal Banquet" is gross and involves eating a sort of fake human.

Here's how the Cannibal Banquet works: a pinata-like "body" is carefully crafted, then stuffed with edible goodies in a red sauce. More "sauce" is somehow embedded into the outside covering -"skin" as it were- of the body so that it will appear to bleed when cut into.

What.The.Fuck? This cannibal banquet is a fullblown wack attack, my friends. I'd still try it though. Save the neck for me, Clark.

Let "BWCDATDMWSDAT" Week Begin!

Like the man said:

"Because we can do a thing doesn't mean we should do a thing."

Like I said: "Hair hats!"











Really? You're curious?

What Does "Vader" Mean To Me?

The moment all of our "father issues" were thrust into perspective.

The Circus Was Burning

Quite possibly my favorite comic book ever. If you can find any books from this series ("Beautiful Stories for Ugly Children") do yourself a favor and pay whatever the seller is asking. Whatever the price is, it's a bargain.

Bring In The Cat

Choose a side.

And watch.

So say we all.

Love Minus One

Courtney Love (a.k.a. "Madonna on meth," above) is claiming that the ashes of her late husband Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain were stolen. The ashes were stored in... brace yourself... a "pink teddy bear bag" with a lock of Kurt's hair. It was allegedly taken from her house along with thousands of dollars in jewelry, according to News of the World:

"Courtney said: "I can't believe anyone would take Kurt's ashes from me. I find it disgusting and right now I'm suicidal. If I don't get them back I don't know what I'll do."

The sad news will sicken the millions of Cobain and Nirvana fans worldwide."

Okay, I don't know what's worse: That someone actually stole Kurt Cobain's ashes or that they were stored in a pink teddy bear bag. Wasn't a hollowed out Rainbow Brite laying around? But, seriously, Courtney is pretty upset and might pack it in. So, to whoever stole the ashes, how much to never return them and do you accept PayPal?

Oh! Tay!

This Magic Moment

"Tonight, after fifty-four hard-fought contests, our primary season has finally come to an end.

"Sixteen months have passed since we first stood together on the steps of the Old State Capitol in Springfield, Illinois. Thousands of miles have been traveled. Millions of voices have been heard. And because of what you said - because you decided that change must come to Washington; because you believed that this year must be different than all the rest; because you chose to listen not to your doubts or your fears but to your greatest hopes and highest aspirations, tonight we mark the end of one historic journey with the beginning of another - a journey that will bring a new and better day to America. Tonight, I can stand before you and say that I will be the Democratic nominee for President of the United States.

"I want to thank every American who stood with us over the course of this campaign - through the good days and the bad; from the snows of Cedar Rapids to the sunshine of Sioux Falls. And tonight I also want to thank the men and woman who took this journey with me as fellow candidates for President.

"At this defining moment for our nation, we should be proud that our party put forth one of the most talented, qualified field of individuals ever to run for this office. I have not just competed with them as rivals, I have learned from them as friends, as public servants, and as patriots who love America and are willing to work tirelessly to make this country better. They are leaders of this party, and leaders that America will turn to for years to come.

"That is particularly true for the candidate who has traveled further on this journey than anyone else. Senator Hillary Clinton has made history in this campaign not just because she's a woman who has done what no woman has done before, but because she's a leader who inspires millions of Americans with her strength, her courage, and her commitment to the causes that brought us here tonight.

"We've certainly had our differences over the last sixteen months. But as someone who's shared a stage with her many times, I can tell you that what gets Hillary Clinton up in the morning - even in the face of tough odds - is exactly what sent her and Bill Clinton to sign up for their first campaign in Texas all those years ago; what sent her to work at the Children's Defense Fund and made her fight for health care as First Lady; what led her to the United States Senate and fueled her barrier-breaking campaign for the presidency - an unyielding desire to improve the lives of ordinary Americans, no matter how difficult the fight may be. And you can rest assured that when we finally win the battle for universal health care in this country, she will be central to that victory. When we transform our energy policy and lift our children out of poverty, it will be because she worked to help make it happen. Our party and our country are better off because of her, and I am a better candidate for having had the honor to compete with Hillary Rodham Clinton.

"There are those who say that this primary has somehow left us weaker and more divided. Well I say that because of this primary, there are millions of Americans who have cast their ballot for the very first time. There are Independents and Republicans who understand that this election isn't just about the party in charge of Washington, it's about the need to change Washington. There are young people, and African-Americans, and Latinos, and women of all ages who have voted in numbers that have broken records and inspired a nation.

"All of you chose to support a candidate you believe in deeply. But at the end of the day, we aren't the reason you came out and waited in lines that stretched block after block to make your voice heard. You didn't do that because of me or Senator Clinton or anyone else. You did it because you know in your hearts that at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - we cannot afford to keep doing what we've been doing. We owe our children a better future. We owe our country a better future. And for all those who dream of that future tonight, I say - let us begin the work together. Let us unite in common effort to chart a new course for America.

"In just a few short months, the Republican Party will arrive in St. Paul with a very different agenda. They will come here to nominate John McCain, a man who has served this country heroically. I honor that service, and I respect his many accomplishments, even if he chooses to deny mine. My differences with him are not personal; they are with the policies he has proposed in this campaign.

"Because while John McCain can legitimately tout moments of independence from his party in the past, such independence has not been the hallmark of his presidential campaign.
It's not change when John McCain decided to stand with George Bush ninety-five percent of the time, as he did in the Senate last year.

"It's not change when he offers four more years of Bush economic policies that have failed to create well-paying jobs, or insure our workers, or help Americans afford the skyrocketing cost of college - policies that have lowered the real incomes of the average American family, widened the gap between Wall Street and Main Street, and left our children with a mountain of debt.

"And it's not change when he promises to continue a policy in Iraq that asks everything of our brave men and women in uniform and nothing of Iraqi politicians - a policy where all we look for are reasons to stay in Iraq, while we spend billions of dollars a month on a war that isn't making the American people any safer.

"So I'll say this - there are many words to describe John McCain's attempt to pass off his embrace of George Bush's policies as bipartisan and new. But change is not one of them.

"Change is a foreign policy that doesn't begin and end with a war that should've never been authorized and never been waged. I won't stand here and pretend that there are many good options left in Iraq, but what's not an option is leaving our troops in that country for the next hundred years - especially at a time when our military is overstretched, our nation is isolated, and nearly every other threat to America is being ignored.

"We must be as careful getting out of Iraq as we were careless getting in - but start leaving we must. It's time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their future. It's time to rebuild our military and give our veterans the care they need and the benefits they deserve when they come home. It's time to refocus our efforts on al Qaeda's leadership and Afghanistan, and rally the world against the common threats of the 21st century - terrorism and nuclear weapons; climate change and poverty; genocide and disease. That's what change is.

"Change is realizing that meeting today's threats requires not just our firepower, but the power of our diplomacy - tough, direct diplomacy where the President of the United States isn't afraid to let any petty dictator know where America stands and what we stand for. We must once again have the courage and conviction to lead the free world. That is the legacy of Roosevelt, and Truman, and Kennedy. That's what the American people want. That's what change is.

"Change is building an economy that rewards not just wealth, but the work and workers who created it. It's understanding that the struggles facing working families can't be solved by spending billions of dollars on more tax breaks for big corporations and wealthy CEOs, but by giving a the middle-class a tax break, and investing in our crumbling infrastructure, and transforming how we use energy, and improving our schools, and renewing our commitment to science and innovation. It's understanding that fiscal responsibility and shared prosperity can go hand-in-hand, as they did when Bill Clinton was President.

"John McCain has spent a lot of time talking about trips to Iraq in the last few weeks, but maybe if he spent some time taking trips to the cities and towns that have been hardest hit by this economy - cities in Michigan, and Ohio, and right here in Minnesota - he'd understand the kind of change that people are looking for.

"Maybe if he went to Iowa and met the student who works the night shift after a full day of class and still can't pay the medical bills for a sister who's ill, he'd understand that she can't afford four more years of a health care plan that only takes care of the healthy and wealthy. She needs us to pass health care plan that guarantees insurance to every American who wants it and brings down premiums for every family who needs it. That's the change we need.

"Maybe if he went to Pennsylvania and met the man who lost his job but can't even afford the gas to drive around and look for a new one, he'd understand that we can't afford four more years of our addiction to oil from dictators. That man needs us to pass an energy policy that works with automakers to raise fuel standards, and makes corporations pay for their pollution, and oil companies invest their record profits in a clean energy future - an energy policy that will create millions of new jobs that pay well and can't be outsourced. That's the change we need.

"And maybe if he spent some time in the schools of South Carolina or St. Paul or where he spoke tonight in New Orleans, he'd understand that we can't afford to leave the money behind for No Child Left Behind; that we owe it to our children to invest in early childhood education; to recruit an army of new teachers and give them better pay and more support; to finally decide that in this global economy, the chance to get a college education should not be a privilege for the wealthy few, but the birthright of every American. That's the change we need in America. That's why I'm running for President.

"The other side will come here in September and offer a very different set of policies and positions, and that is a debate I look forward to. It is a debate the American people deserve. But what you don't deserve is another election that's governed by fear, and innuendo, and division. What you won't hear from this campaign or this party is the kind of politics that uses religion as a wedge, and patriotism as a bludgeon - that sees our opponents not as competitors to challenge, but enemies to demonize. Because we may call ourselves Democrats and Republicans, but we are Americans first. We are always Americans first.

"Despite what the good Senator from Arizona said tonight, I have seen people of differing views and opinions find common cause many times during my two decades in public life, and I have brought many together myself. I've walked arm-in-arm with community leaders on the South Side of Chicago and watched tensions fade as black, white, and Latino fought together for good jobs and good schools. I've sat across the table from law enforcement and civil rights advocates to reform a criminal justice system that sent thirteen innocent people to death row. And I've worked with friends in the other party to provide more children with health insurance and more working families with a tax break; to curb the spread of nuclear weapons and ensure that the American people know where their tax dollars are being spent; and to reduce the influence of lobbyists who have all too often set the agenda in Washington.

"In our country, I have found that this cooperation happens not because we agree on everything, but because behind all the labels and false divisions and categories that define us; beyond all the petty bickering and point-scoring in Washington, Americans are a decent, generous, compassionate people, united by common challenges and common hopes. And every so often, there are moments which call on that fundamental goodness to make this country great again.

"So it was for that band of patriots who declared in a Philadelphia hall the formation of a more perfect union; and for all those who gave on the fields of Gettysburg and Antietam their last full measure of devotion to save that same union.

"So it was for the Greatest Generation that conquered fear itself, and liberated a continent from tyranny, and made this country home to untold opportunity and prosperity.

"So it was for the workers who stood out on the picket lines; the women who shattered glass ceilings; the children who braved a Selma bridge for freedom's cause.

"So it has been for every generation that faced down the greatest challenges and the most improbable odds to leave their children a world that's better, and kinder, and more just.
And so it must be for us.

"America, this is our moment. This is our time. Our time to turn the page on the policies of the past. Our time to bring new energy and new ideas to the challenges we face. Our time to offer a new direction for the country we love.

"The journey will be difficult. The road will be long. I face this challenge with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith in the capacity of the American people. Because if we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth. This was the moment - this was the time - when we came together to remake this great nation so that it may always reflect our very best selves, and our highest ideals. Thank you, God Bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America. "

The Shirt Transforms Into A Jail Sentence!

Brad Jayakody, 30 (that's him in the picture), was almost arrested for attempting to board a flight from London to Dusseldorf, Germany while wearing that Transformers t-shirt.

"Mr Jayakody said the first guard started joking with him about the
Transformers character depicted on his French Connection T-shirt. "Then he
explains that since Megatron is holding a gun, I'm not allowed to fly,' he said.
A spokesman for Heathrow operator BAA said: 'If a T-shirt had a rude word or a
bomb on it, for example, a passenger may be asked to remove it.
'We are investigating what happened to see if it came under this category.

'If it's offensive, we don't want other passengers upset.' "

Seriously. Wow. In all honesty though, companies shouldn't even be allowed to sell Transformer t-shirts. It's a terrorist act that breeds robot sympathizers.

Burn(ed) After Reading

Who would have thought you could combine the talents of George Clooney and Brad Pitt yet not focus on how suave and charming they are? The Coen Brothers, that's who.

And now all we have to do is wait the entire summer.

Creep

So, despite the fact that Prince owns neither the song nor the videos of this Coachella performance, his ittybitty minions have been scouring the inerwebs for vids of his live cover of Creep, and yanking them from view. Which is a shame, 'cause it really is two great things that go great together.

Enjoy it while you can.

CREEP a COACHELLA
by KILLMEAGAIN60