In Darkest Knight

I was trying, really, to keep my expectations in check. Now I give up.



Holy shit will this film rule.

When The Angels Eat Toast

My friends, Freddie Yauner is a nutjob, absolutely... but he's a nutjob with a dream. A pretty lame dream. A dream of building "The Highest Popping Toaster In The World". And here it is. It uses high-pressure CO2 and a mechanical arm to blast your toast through the ceiling and kill the woman in the apartment above yours that you swear must run on the fucking treadmill directly above your desk all day long. I mean, really? She doesn't have a patio? That thing doesn't fit in her carport? There isn't still that "outside" I've heard so much about, where people can run in the wild? That's it, I'm going up there and screaming at her until she cries.

UPDATE: Dammit, she distracted me with a loaf of banana bread and I forgot what I went up there for. I think she's a witch.

Kanye Comedian

I don't normally care about or even notice him, but recently Kanye West flipped out on his blog about people criticizing his performance at Bonnaroo. Kanye made festival-goers wait 2-3 hours trying to get his stage show set up. He didn't perform until after 4 a.m. He blames Bonnaroo organizers and Pearl Jam for ending their show an hour late. Here's an excerpt from his blog at Kanye Universe City:

"I am sick of negative people who just sit around trying 2 plot my downfall... Why???? I understand if people don't like me because I like me or if people think tight clothes look gay or people say I run my mouth to much, But this Bonnaroo thing is the worst insult I've ever had in my life. This is the most offended I've ever been... this is the maddest I ever will be. I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!! Call me any name you want.... arrogant, conceited, narcissistic, racist, metro, fag whatever you can think of.... BUT NEVER SAY I DIDN'T GIVE MY ALL! NEVER SAY I DIDN'T GIVE MY ALL! THIS SHOWS NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING THERE WILL BE PEOPLE THERE TO LIE ABOUT YOU AND BRING YOU DOWN! LIKE WAYNE SAYS PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME DOWN CAUSE I'M FLYING! I'M FUCKING HURT BY THIS ONE. ALL I CARE ABOUT ARE THE FANS. JUST SAY THIS OUT LOUD IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, "KANYE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT GIVING A GOOD PERFORMANCE." CAN ANYONE HONESTLY SAY THAT ????????? HAS ANYONE EVEN TAKEN THE TIME TO AT LEAST DO THE MATH??? BONNAROO SHOULD HAVE RELEASED A STATEMENT IN MY DEFENSE BUT SINCE THEY HAVEN'T LET'S BREAK DOWN THE WALLS ON THIS TRUMAN SHOW AND LET YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY OCCURRED!!! FOR OVER A MONTH WE WENT BACK AND FORTH ON WETHER OR NOT WE COULD EVEN FIT MY STAGE AT THE FESTIVAL. ONE DAY THEY WOULD SAY YES... WE'D SEND THEM OUR SPECS THEN THEY THEY'D SAY OK... THEN THEY WOULD SEND SPECS BACK THAT DIDN'T FIT THE STAGE. WE WERE OBVIOUSLY DEALING WITH FUCKING IDIOTS WHO DIDN'T REALLY HAVE THE CAPACITY TO REALLY PUT ON THIS SHOW PROPERLY. THEY TRIED 2 GIVE ME A TIME SLOT WERE IT WAS STILL LIGHT OUTSIDE ... I HAVE A FUCKING LIGHT SHOW DUMB ASS, IT'S NOT CALLED GLOW IN THE DARK FOR NO REASON SQUID BRAINS! MY PEOPLE WORKED OUT A COMPROMISED STAGE PLOT AND A 3AM TIME SLOT AND I AGREED. FAST FOWARD TO THE DAY OF THE SHOW. MY PRODUCTION MANAGER TRIED TO LOAD IN FOR 24 HOURS BEFORE I WENT ON STAGE BUT THE FESTIVAL WOULDN'T ALLOW US TO DO ANYTHING UNTILL PEARL JAM LEFT THE STAGE. PEARL JAM ENDED ONEHOURLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT THAT POINT WE'RE RACING AGAINST THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Did he just call them squid brains?

Anyway, for those of you wondering why he's yelling, no, he's not in a movie theather. Kanye's just really passionate about making sure people know what a dedicated performer he is. And how much he loves overusing punctuation. LOVES IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seinfeld's Buddy

Quick Draw McGraw!

Alright, first off, I'm not a fan of country music. Well, unless it's Johnny Cash, his daughter Rosanne, Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, Willie Nelson or Hoyt Axton. Otherwise I'd rather swallow live bees than listen to it, but I am willing to give badass credit where badass credit is due.

In this case, Tim McGraw held a concert recently in Washington and saw some large bastard hit a woman. He called for security, but then took matters into his own Eastwood-esque hands. Tim's rep issued the following statement:

"While Tim was performing at the White River Amphitheater in Auburn,
Washington last night, he watched a man rush to the front of the stage. This
overly aggressive fan attacked a female fan and Tim witnessed this incident. Tim
called for security, but when they could not respond quick enough Tim and
several crew members removed the fan from the audience where he was then turned over to the local authorities."

How awesome is that? Tim McGraw basically grabs a hold of this guy, who looks sizable and seems to have no problem trying to cold cock Tim. Security finally shows up and Tim hoists the dude up by his belt buckle and literally shoves him across stage. And he finished the song without missing a beat! Kudos to you, most-likely-bald Tim McGraw!

Can It Find My Self-Respect?

In case it's somehow unclear, the Mio Knight Rider GPS unit is exactly what it sounds like: a Knight Rider-themed GPS unit.

It has red blinking lights. It's black. Basically what you're paying for is the fact that Mio got William Daniels (the distinguished voice of KITT) to do all the audio work. You choose your name from a long list, and then the unit will address you as so, making you feel a little more Knight Rider-y and a little less Minivan Rider-y. The MSRP is around $270 and they hit streets in the fall. Now before you run out and buy one, be warned: a Knight Rider GPS unit will not get you laid, it will only get you to your destination.

Shit List

Entertainment Weekly just compiled their list of the top 100 TV shows of all time, and like any such list, it courts controversy.

1. The Simpsons, Fox, 1989-present
2 The Sopranos, HBO (1999-2007)
3 Seinfeld, NBC (1989-98)
4 The X-Files, Fox (1993-2002)
5 Sex and the City, HBO (1998-2004)
6 Survivor, CBS (2000-present)
7 The Cosby Show, NBC (1984-92)
8 Lost, ABC (2004-present)
9 Friends, NBC (1994-2004)
10 Buffy the Vampire Slayer, WB (1997-2001); UPN (2001-03)
11 The Wire, HBO (2002-08)
12 South Park, Comedy Central (1997-present)
13 Freaks and Geeks, NBC (1999-2000)
14 The Daily Show, Comedy Central (1996-present)
15 The Oprah Winfrey Show, Syndicated (1986-present)
16 Arrested Development, Fox (2003-06)
17 The Office (U.K. version), BBC2 (2001-03)
18 American Idol, Fox (2002-present)
19 ER, NBC (1994-present)
20 Beverly Hills, 90210, Fox (1990-2000)
21 Roseanne, ABC (1988-97)
22 The Real World, MTV (1992-present)
23 The West Wing, NBC (1999-2006)
24 Star Trek: The Next Generation, Syndication (1987-94)
25 Miami Vice, NBC (1984-89)
26 Chappelle's Show, Comedy Central (2003-06)
27 Law & Order, NBC (1990-present)
28 The Larry Sanders Show, HBO (1992-98)
29 The Shield, FX (2002-present)
30 Late Show With David Letterman, CBS (1993-present)
31 The Civil War, PBS (1990)
32 Gilmore Girls, The WB (2000-06), The CW (2006-07)
33 My So-Called Life, ABC (1994-95)
34 24, Fox (2001-present)
35 CSI, CBS (2000-present)
36 thirtysomething, ABC (1987-91)
38 Beavis and Butt-head, MTV (1993-97)
39 Six Feet Under, HBO (2001-05)
40 Mr. Show, (HBO, 1995-98)
41 Frasier, NBC (1993-2004)
42 L.A. Law, NBC (1986-94)
43 Late Night With Conan O'Brien, NBC (1993-present)
44 Jeopardy!, Syndicated (1984-present)
45 Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO (2000-present)
46 Homicide: Life on the Street, NBC (1993-99)
47 30 Rock, NBC (2006-present)
48 Ally McBeal, Fox (1997-2002)
49 Twin Peaks, ABC (1990-91)
50 Baywatch, NBC (1989-90), Syndicated (1991-2001)
51. Melrose Place, Fox (1992-99)
52. Felicity, The WB (1998-2002)
53. Will & Grace, NBC (1998-2006)
54. Moonlighting, ABC (1985-89)
55. Pee-wee's Playhouse, CBS (1986-90)
56. Desperate Housewives, ABC (2004-present)
57. The Amazing Race, CBS (2001-present)
58. The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, NBC (1992-present)
59. Battlestar Galactica, Sci Fi (2003-2008)
60. Xena: Warrior Princess, Syndicated (1995-2001)
61. The Office (U.S.), NBC (2005-present)
62. House, Fox (2004-present)
63. Mystery Science Theater 3000, Comedy Central (1989-96), Sci Fi (1997-99)
64. The Osbournes, MTV (2002-05)
65. Family Guy, Fox (1999-2002, 2005-present)
66. Grey’s Anatomy, ABC (2005-present)
67. Planet Earth, Discovery Channel (2007)
68. Jackass, MTV (2000-02)
69. The Colbert Report, Comedy Central (2005-present)
70. Everybody Loves Raymond, CBS (1996-2005)
71. Friday Night Lights, NBC (2006-present)
72. NewsRadio, NBC (1995-99)
73. Oz, HBO (1997-2003)
74. Wiseguy, CBS (1987-90)
75. Project Runway, Bravo (2004-present)
76. In Living Color, Fox (1990-94)
77. The Golden Girls, NBC (1985-92)
78. I'll Fly Away, NBC (1991-93)
79. The Comeback, HBO (2005)
80. King of the Hill, Fox (1997-present)
81. Murphy Brown, CBS (1988-98)
82. The Hills, MTV (2006-present)
83. Absolutely Fabulous, BBC2 (1992), BBC1 (1994-2004)
84. Northern Exposure, CBS (1990-95)
85. The Kids in the Hall, HBO (1989-92), CBS (1992-95)
86. Prime Suspect, ITV (1991-2006)
87. Deadwood, HBO (2004-06)
88. Malcolm in the Middle, Fox (2000-06)
89. SpongeBob SquarePants, Nickelodeon (1999-present)
90. Dawson's Creek, The WB (1998-2003)
91. Mad Men, AMC (2007-present)
92. The Ben Stiller Show, Fox (1992-93)
93. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bravo (2003-07)
94. Married...With Children, Fox (1987-97)
95. Designing Women, CBS (1986-93)
96. The Arsenio Hall Show, Syndicated (1989-94)
97. Party of Five, Fox (1994-2000)
98. MacGyver, ABC (1985-92)
99. The Bachelor, ABC (2002-present)
100. Saved by the Bell, NBC (1989-93)

I'll keep my comments down to these two:
1) Desperate Housewives is higher than Battlestar Galactica?
2) No Dave?

UPDATE: From page 14 of the print edition: “In the case of TV, we include shows that only debuted after 1983.” Whatever. Sorry, Dave.

And Only The Moon Howls

We miss you, George.

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately." ~George Carlin

Really? Not Even One Spider Yet?

This is a picture taken by the Phoenix Lander of some ice on Mars. Or, alternatively, some ice in a box of Georgia dirt in a Hollywood backlot that somebody staged. Or, alternatively, Photoshopped ice in, well, nowhere. No but seriously, it's ice on Mars.

"The confirmation that water ice exists in the area directly surrounding the lander is big and good news for the Martian mission. NASA's stated goal for the Mars Phoenix was to find exactly this -- water ice -- and then analyze it. With the latest news, the first step is accomplished. All that's left now is to get the water into the Phoenix's instruments, a task which has occasionally proven more difficult than anticipated."

Now I know what many of you are thinking: "So. What?" Well apparently you don't understand the profound implications of such a discovery -- now we won't have to bring bagged ice to Mars to keep our drinks cold.

From The Desk Of David Lynch

Where do ideas come from? If we're talking about David Lynch's ideas, I'd assume they come from somewhere around the nexus of madness, genius, and near-evil. But as the director explains in this interview, that's not the case. Apparently, ideas come from bubbling up and hitting your consciousness ball, or from a man throwing puzzle pieces at you... and they definitely don't come from artistic suffering, because that would be like Van Gogh painting while constantly fighting intense diarrhea.

The Ultimate Power In The Universe

Holy amateur a capella singing troupes! The $400 Death Star diorama from LEGO weighs in at a whopping 3,800 pieces and is making me hotter than a volcano. A volcano on fire. The thing depicts 14 scenes from the original Star Wars trilogy and comes with 21 mini-figs, including 7 exclusive to the set!

Wow, what could be awesomer? I mean besides a LEGO Death Star big enough to live in. Because that's what I freaking want. Like my dad always says, "Dream big or don't bother sleeping. Oh, and son... keep your buttcheeks clenched tight... aliens."

Tanned And Feathered

Tanners, you're going to have to help me out on this one because I have no clue when it comes this stuff: What the hell is going on with Tila Tequila's tan? Either she went nuts with the bronzing gun, or someone left the E-Z Bake Oven open again. Which one is it? I know it's not natural because I've read the Keebler Elves' charter, and it strictly prohibits exposure to "the human's harsh sun." It's called research, kids.

That Monkey? Not So Funky.

You know me, and you know that if there's one thing I hate in the world it's robots. And that hate is only trumped by my my hatred of cute little monkeys caged in laboratories controlling robots with their brains.

So yeah, a bunch of scientists who deserve to have their diplomas and lab jackets revoked have taught some monkeys to feed themselves using only their brains to operate robotic arms. Because this is supposed to help us in one way or another. Fools.

"The animals were able to feed themselves using prosthetic arms, which
were controlled by brain activity. Small probes, the width of a human hair, were
inserted into the monkeys' primary motor cortex - the region of the brain that
controls movement.

"'The more we understand about the brain, the better we'll be able
to treat a wide range of brain disorders, everything from Parkinson's disease
and paralysis to, eventually, Alzheimer's disease and perhaps even mental
illness.' "

I call shenanigans on this. These scientists don't give two flying monkey shits about curing disease. The sick bastards are building a primate-controlled robot army to kill us all. Now let's go smash up their lab and free those poor little monkeys. Who's with me? Come on, it'll be fun. We'll get drunk on the ride back and make the monkeys drive.

Ear Bierced

And you thought it was cool when Pink Floyd inadvertantly scored The Wizard of Oz!

Lloyd says: Don't Be A Guy... Be A Man

Any Man Can Be A Father...

...it takes someone special to be a dad.

That's A Cold Shot, Babe

I have to say, that Tila Tequila packs a whole lot of ego in her Asian leprechaun body. She's claiming her MTV show A Shot at Love opened the doors to gay marriage in California, according to Us Magazine:

"It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]," she said. "Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal."

Somewhere, Ellen DeGeneres just bought a fishing net. No one usurps her "Everyone's Favorite Lesbian" throne. No one! She didn't tell Rosie to "be herself" on The View for this to happen. Now, where's her 4-wheeler with the midget harpoon gun....

Do The Less Wrong Thing

Regis and the Jonathan Goodson Estate help us, Lynne Spears' parenting memoir "Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World" is officially set to release in September. A spokesperson for the publisher confirmed the news to People:

"When Jamie Lynn got pregnant, it was put on hold," says a spokesman for
Thomas Nelson, which publishes inspirational books and Bibles. "Lynne never
stopped working on it because she wants to express her love for her children and
tell their stories through a mother's eyes."

"Through the Storm" is catchy but it lacks zazz. Here are some alternative titles that, I think, will have Lynne's book flying off shelves:

"What Do You Mean You're Pregnant?: A Mother's Struggle to Overcome Struggling."

"Have You Seen My Daugther's Vagina?: A Woman's Journey Through Womanjourneyhood."

"Where's Mommy's Taste? Raising Your Child Star Right in a Godless World."

One word of advice, Lynne? "DONTDOIT!"

With A Bang After All

"Scientist" Paul Granjon is the sadistic bastard responsible for teaching these robots how to procreate. They were programmed with five modes and act differently in each. The different modes are:

Normal: the robots roam around and run into walls
Sing: the robots continue to putt around and run into walls, but beep occasionally
In Heat: the robots try to find each other so they can do it, once located, they go for it
Sleep: after mating, the male looks for a dark place to nap
Battery Alert: worn out, the male beeps loudly before it dies

There you have it. Skip to about 1:30 to start watching the different modes, and to 2:30 to actually see them do it. Just a warning: it's every bit as disturbing as you think it'll be. And not because it's two robots having sex, but because Mr. Granjon is so into two robots having sex.

It's My Head!

Kittiwat Unarrom got a master's degree in fine arts and now makes lifelike body parts out of bread at a bakery in Thailand. All the disturbing yeast sculptures are made out of dough, raisins, cashews and chocolate. He'll also paint the outside with some sort of edible paint to give it an even more gruesome appearance. When asked why he does it, Kittiwat replied, "I'm a wackjob and I like making people sick".*




*Okay, that's really just a guess. I don't speak Bonkeros.