Tuesday, October 06, 2015

Tweet Nothings.

Hey, look! I learned how to send the Twitter!
5:00 PM (two days ago)
I can Twitter on my phone! No idea why I would, but it’s cool. Gives me something to do in the new house.
1:00 AM
Found mysterious hole in new house today. In floor. No basement. Calling my realtor before neighbor comes over for some pie and noodles.
7:00 AM
Building plans show no basement. What’s the hole lead to? Totally checking it out after neighbor leaves. Put carpet over hole for now.
9:00 AM
Neighbor fell through carpet. Trying to play it like I didn’t know there was a hole.
9:20 AM
Man alive! Neighbor eaten by alligators! What are alligators doing under my house?
9:30 AM
They’re coming out of the hole. I’m stuck upstairs.
9:45 AM
911 operator thought I was joking. Hung up on me. At least alligators can’t climb stairs.
9:50 AM
They can climb stairs. Locking door.
10:00 AM
Alligators can’t open locks, can they? That’s just Raptors, right?
10:45 AM
Need to get out of here. Think I can climb out the window. Just two stories. Not bad, right? Just don’t look down.
11:00 AM
Looked down. More alligators. They’re coming through the ground down there. So many holes.
11:11 AM
Police! Cop car at my house right now! Regis bless those flashing red and blue lights.
11:26 AM
Tunneling lizards got him. Can hear him under my house now. Stupid holegators. Got back to bedroom, threw my TV at one of them.
11:40 AM
I miss my TV. CNN say anything about holegator invasion?
11:50 AM
Alligators dragged my TV into their holes. Could swear I hear them watching it. They have electricity?
12:00 PM, Noon
They shut off my power. Holegators can chew through power lines.
12:24 PM
Holegator tried to pick my lock. Opened door and whacked him in face, then shut it. Haha.
12:30 PM
House just sagged. Think they’re eating the foundation?
12:42 PM
House now diagonal. Living in a scalene triangle. They’re trying to climb up to the window. Got to escape.
1:00 PM
Climbed up side. Got to roof. Holegator followed me; hit him with an antenna.
1:10 PM
They got my antenna. Have to run for the cop car.
1:20 PM
Made it. Thing won’t start! How do you start a cop car?
1:30 PM
Holegators burrowed under and ate the transmission! Car can’t move! When did alligators start eating metal?
1:40 PM
They’re under me. Can hear my TV. Holegators watch PBS?
1:50 PM
They’re eating the tires. Where to go? Wish there was a spare gun.
1:55 PM
Jabbing an alligator in eye with nightstick is more fun than you think.
1:59 PM
They ate my nightstick.
2:15 PM
Can’t get back to house. Surrounded.
2:25 PM
Going to do something stupid.
2:35 PM
Jumped down their hole. They have disco lighting? So many disco balls.
2:50 PM
Disco stopped. They’re back. Going to eat me.
3:00 PM
Going to do something stupid.
3:10 PM
It worked! Singing disco songs makes them stop. Saturday Night Fever, I love you!
3:20 PM
3:30 PM
They get good TV reception.
3:40 PM
Brought me Chinese for singing Kung Fu Fighting. Good dumplings. Considering staying for a while.

No comments: