Shat? Says "Shipshape!"

William Shatner says he was asked for his opinion on JJ Abrams' re-imagined Starship Enterprise. That claim is most likely a lie, but if I've learned anything in this life, it's that when the Shat speaks, you listen.



Oh, and don't miss his new show on Biography. What? Have you learned nothing today?

"I'm Here To Recruit You."

They're Not Saying "Boo...."

They're saying "Bruuuuuuuce."

Turkey

Happy Thanksgiving, you murderous, blood-drinking human/turkey hybrid you!

Every Old Wave Is New Again

Just in time for the holiday!

The Nuwave Oven Pro is a $120 portable oven that can allegedly cook a 10-pound turkey (or small sibling) in a mere two hours.

"NuWave performs this miracle using three kinds of heat: Conduction, convection and infrared, turning that raw bird into a golden brown beauty in no time flat."

Oh really? I bet we could cut the cooking time down to an hour by adding a fourth type of heat -- my body's. Oh, yeah.

The Brit Is Back

Hey y'all! Britney's in Rolling Stone!

Here's what our li'l trailer park princess had to say:

On her new subdued life: "I feel like an old person now," she says one afternoon, as a manicurist applies rhinestones and girly pink lacquer to her chewed-up nails. "I do! I go to bed at, like, 9:30 every night, and I don't go out or anything, you know what I mean? I just feel like an old fart."

On her appearance: She says she's considering lopping off the weave she's worn since shaving her head in 2007, and when she counts up her tattoos — "Seven! Oh, my God, y'all!" — she falls back into the couch giggling, kicking her feet in the air.

On her dad's iron fist: She is watched over day and night by security guards Jamie hired (and she's paying for); it's also rumored that Britney's phone calls are closely monitored and that she's not allowed to drive her own Mercedes. Recently, says one source with ties to the Britney camp, Jamie fired a guard who let the singer use his phone. (Her rep denies the claim.

On Kevin Federline: "They don't look like their father at all," she continues. "And it's weird 'cause they're starting to learn words like 'stupid,' and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn't get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids."

Oh, wow, that's fucking awesome: Britney Spears criticizing Kevin Federline's parenting. Amazing. First, it was her dad completely turning her life around and saving her from lying dead in a ditch of crazy. Now, it's Kevin Federline, who may be a douche, but he didn't use their sons as coasters.

And the worst part? She's put me on K-Fed's side. Oh, the humanity.

11/12

It's 100% Somethin' Alright....

So, sigh... Arkansas native Phillip Sherman and his wife Tina are suing McDonald's because -they claim- Phillip left his cell phone at a restaurant and the naked photos of his wife that were on it headed straight for the interwebs.

"The suit was filed Friday and seeks a jury trial and $3 million in damages for suffering, embarrassment and the cost of having to move to a new home (due to alleged stalkers).

The suit says that Phillip Sherman left the phone the Fayetteville store in July and that employees promised to secure it until he returned."

Now I hate to call the Shermans liars and cheats, but they most certainly are. Chili finger, anyone?

"Our Future Begins Here."

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Battlestar Galactica is the best show on TV. Even now, when it's weeks away from being on TV. That's how great it is.

Check out the SciFi trailer for the final 10.

This Just In....

Yipee Kai-Yay, Motherf@#*er

This is God's Facebook page from the time of Genesis. Unfortunately, I only have these screenshots of it because this particular ghost rider in the sky won't accept my friendship request (click 'em to embiggen).

World Leaders Don't Pretend

And let me make it good....

I Like To Watch

This new Watchmen trailer is going to knock you on your nerdy ass. It will knock your books out of your arms, shove you in a locker, and make you do its homework.

It's A Trap!

Chilly Pig Bits!

Hey kids! Now you can make your own delicious candied bacon ice cream by following the simple instructions over at David Lebovitz's website. I don't really want to go into details, but for you stoners out there: it's a little more complicated than just adding Bac~O's to vanilla ice cream. Which is, like, totally about to happen!

"The Wait Is Over..."

Holy crap! Click the pic! Click the pic! Click the pic! Click the pic! Click the pic!

Thorne? Not On Her Side.

David Thorne didn't have the $233.95 to pay an overdue account. So what did he do? What anyone would do. He submitted a picture of a spider he drew instead. So what happened next? Read on! (click to embiggen!)

That Sense Of... Enterprise

You know which character in the original Star Trek got the most fan mail? By a wide margin, it was the Enterprise. No lie. And if you're thinking that she wasn't a "character," then you're thinking wrong.

JJ Abrams' Star Trek reboot hits theaters this May. His re-imagined Enterprise? That hits computer monitors all over the world riiiiiiiiiiight about... now.

No Boy Toys

Behold! These are the set of "while they're away" rules Madonna sent Guy Ritchie whose sons, Rocca and David, are with him in London.

So, basically Guy Ritchie has to carry his kids around in a shoebox (made of 100% recycled materials) full of Kashi and Madonna books while his kids "enjoy" their stay in London. Huh. Why do I have a feeling that when the kids get back to Madonna's compound it'll be all Wienerschnitzel and water slides?

The Problem Is, Now He Has To Go Home

So a couple days ago Britney Spears' two-year-old son Jayden was rushed to a Mississippi ER after reportedly suffering a seizure. Britney had just arrived in Louisiana on Friday to celebrate the holiday with her family marking the first time she was allowed to take the boys out of the state since Kevin Federline gained primary custody. That lasted 24 hours. The Daily Mail reported:

"Jayden James was raced to the emergency ward after lapsing into a 'vague and unresponsive' state.

"The toddler fell ill yesterday afternoon at the family home in Kentwood, Louisiana. The entire Spears clan made the 25-mile dash to Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Centre, Mississippi.

"Doctors were unable to pinpoint the problem straight away and kept the toddler in for overnight observation. Distraught Britney, 26, refused to leave his side and asked for a bed next to him in the ward.

"Her ex-husband, rapper Kevin Federline, is now believed to be making plans to jet out of Los Angeles to be at Jayden's bedside."

First off, in all seriousness, everyone hoped for the best for little Jayden, and the good news is he's just fine. In the meantime, let's be honest: you know when the doctors said "We're not quite sure what the problem is..." everyone in the hospital turned and looked at Britney.

If The Accident Will

Today's Other Highlight in History:

On Nov. 11, 1918, fighting in World War I came to an end with the signing of an armistice between the Allies and Germany.

On This Date:

In 1620, 41 Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower, anchored off Massachusetts, signed a compact calling for a "body politick.''

In 1831, former slave Nat Turner, who'd led a violent insurrection, was executed in Jerusalem, Va.

In 1889, Washington became the 42nd state.

In 1918, the Second Polish Republic declared its independence.

In 1921, the remains of an unidentified American service member were interred in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington National Cemetery in a ceremony presided over by President Harding.

In 1966, Gemini 12 blasted off from Cape Kennedy, Fla., with astronauts James A. Lovell and Edwin ``Buzz'' Aldrin Jr. aboard.

In 1968, the Republic of Maldvies was declared.

In 1983, President Reagan became the first U.S. chief executive to address the Diet, Japan's national legislature.

In 1988, police in Sacramento, Calif., found the first of seven bodies buried on the grounds of a boardinghouse. Landlady Dorothea Puente was later charged in the deaths of nine people; she was convicted of three murders and sentenced to life in prison.

In 2004, Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat died at a military hospital in Paris at age 75.

Ten years ago: President Clinton ordered warships, planes and troops to the Persian Gulf as he laid out his case for a possible attack on Iraq. Iraq, meanwhile, showed no sign of backing down from its refusal to deal with U.N. weapons inspectors. Israel's Cabinet narrowly ratified a land-for-peace agreement with the Palestinians.

Five years ago: President Bush's top foreign advisers summoned L. Paul Bremer, Iraq's U.S. administrator, for hurried White House talks focused on their growing frustrations with the Iraqi Governing Council and a logjam in transferring political power to Iraqis. In Galveston, Texas, millionaire Robert Durst was found not guilty of murdering Morris Black, an elderly neighbor whom Durst said he'd killed accidentally. Toronto's Roy Halladay won the American League Cy Young Award.

One year ago: President Gen. Pervez Musharraf said Pakistan would stick to its January schedule for parliamentary elections, but set no time limit on emergency rule. Marking his fifth Veterans Day since the invasion of Iraq, President Bush honored U.S. troops past and present at a tearful ceremony in Texas.

Today's Birthdays: Dancer-choreographer Nicholas Royce is 83. Comedian Jonathan Winters is 83. Jazz singer-musician Mose Allison is 81. Author Carlos Fuentes is 80. Country singer Narvel Felts is 70. Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., is 68. Rock singer-musician Vince Martell (Vanilla Fudge) is 63. Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller is 57. Pop singer-musician Paul Cowsill (The Cowsills) is 56. Rock singer-musician Andy Partridge (XTC) is 55. Singer Marshall Crenshaw is 55. Rock singer Dave Alvin is 53. Rock musician Ian Craig Marsh (Human League; Heaven 17) is 52. Actor Stanley Tucci is 48. Actress Demi Moore is 46. Actress Calista Flockhart is 44. Actor Philip McKeon is 44. Rock musician Scott Mercado is 44. TV personality Carson Kressley is 39. Actor David DeLuise is 37. Actor Adam Beach is 36. Actor Leonardo DiCaprio is 34. Rock musician Jonathan Pretus (Cowboy Mouth) is 27. Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. was born on November 11, 1922.

Happy anniversary!

6/12

All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

A new Watchmen poster!

Huh. Is it just me, or does this image look strangely familiar?

Just me, I guess.

No One Is Easing Down That Road

While you were sleeping a group of sickos at Carnegie Mellon have decided to automate the world's largest truck, a 3,550-horsepower, 700-ton behemoth designed to haul 240-ton loads. "Why?" you ask? Because they hate the future, that's why.

"'Autonomous vehicle technology is pretty much in its infancy,' said Tony Stentz, a professor at CMU involved in the project. Stentz expects that over the next five to 10 years, the technology will expand to areas beyond mining, eventually finding its way into consumer cars and trucks."

Autonomous vehicle technology. That. Sounds. Great. Seriously, this is bad news. You know what happens when a 700-ton robot truck gets road rage? Nothing good.

It IS A Super Obama World! It IS!

Lookee!

It's soon to be 44th U.S. President Barack Obama in Super Obama World! You run around in Alaska stomping pigs, collecting American flags and not buying clothes. It wasn't the worst game I've ever played, but that's only because I've had games played with my heart. True story.

You're... Welcome?

A $13 mouse pad that looks like a welcome mat?

Great day in the morning! What will they think of next? And could it possibly be half as stupid as this?

I'm sure I won't be disappointed.

The Rebirth Of Fools

And now, back to the business of the nation.

So, as we all know Paris Hilton (our beloved de-evolutionary sweetheart) has been paying more and more visits to David Letterman's Late Show recently... and I gotta' tell you, I'm starting to love these Paris/Dave interviews. Mostly because he drops a ton of backhanded, snarky compliments, and she just giggles like a doll-eyed, vapid mountain of dumb. But I did learn something: it turns out 300,000 people auditioned for Paris Hilton's My New BFF. That's over a quarter of a million Americans who think hanging out with the human equivalent of a Port-A-John is the zenith of living.

And you wonder why I was so worried about the election?

"We As A People Will Get There"

You Are America

VOTE!

Did you experience any voting weirdness? REPORT IT! 1-866-OUR-VOTE!

And now a word from our sponsor:

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6/12

Make It Work!

How Many Chickens?

Nobody knows. And no, no one is counting. Not yet.

'till Tuesday