While The Old Year Plays Possum....

Why not a possum? The world would be a better place if we all asked this question a little more often, my friends.

Thorax Me, Axe Me, Axe Me

Someone has to say it; don't you just want to eat that up?

"The plan was for each organ to be made out of a different kind of cake and to secrete a different color of fluid when it was cut into. Previous heart cakes have bled fresh, homemade raspberry sauce. Sadly, the organs didn't bleed as well as I had hoped when I cut the cake, as each organ was relatively small and couldn't hold much sauce. Also all the moving around after filling the organs made it hard to keep the sauce contained in the little cavities I hollowed out. The heart bled pretty well, but the other organ fluids weren't very dramatic.

"Heart - orange cake with raspberry sauce
Lungs - apple spice cake with strawberry sauce
Kidneys - orange cake with blueberry sauce
Stomach - ginger cake with mango sauce
Liver - chocolate cake with kiwi sauce
Small Intestine - jelly roll with red currant jelly"

I mean, come on... that looks delicious! And I'm not even a big fan of purification organs. Now pipe organs -- that's another story.

Three! Count 'em THREE championships!

Wanna' Strip?

Hankerin' for a hunka' bacon? Just add “http://bacolicio.us/” to the beginning of any site’s URL and boom! BACON!

For example: wanna' baconify TIME’s website? Just type http://bacolicio.us/http://time.com!

Mmmmmmmm... bacony....

Bear: Beware

Soft(be)ware

You know what kids love? Kids love gory macabre animals! And let's face it; gory macabre animals are the perfect way to let your kids know you love them right back. Just not enough to not scar them for life. Sleep tight little ones! No nightlight tonight... the goblins were complaining.

Bless You

Wow.

I say again: WOW.

I hope you all enjoyed a very happy Xmas!

The Gift Of The Magi Indian Giver

Carolyn wanted so much to give Roger something nice for Christmas, but they didn’t have much money, and they had to spend every last cent on candy for the baby. She walked down the icy streets and peered into shop windows. “Roger is so proud of his shinbones. If only I could find some way to get money to buy shinbone polish.”

Just then, a sign caught her eye. “Cuticles bought and sold.” Many people had told Carolyn of her beautiful cuticles, and Roger was especially proud of them, but she thought, “This is the way I could buy Roger the shinbone polish!” And she rushed into the store.

Later at home, she waited anxiously as Roger came up the steps of their flat. He opened the door and wobbled over to the fireplace, suspiciously holding one arm behind his back.

“Merry Christmas!” they both said, almost simultaneously.

Roger spoke. “Hey, Nutsy, I got you a little something for Christmas.” “Me too,” said Carolyn, and they exchanged packages.

Carolyn hurriedly opened her package staring in disbelief. “Cuticle Frames?! But Roger, I sold my cuticles so I could afford to buy you some shinbone polish!”

Shinbone polish!” said Roger, “I sold my shinbones to buy you the cuticle frames!” Roger wobbled over to her.

“Well, I’ll be hog-tied,” said Carolyn.

“You will? Oh, boy!” said Roger.

And it turned out to be a great Christmas after all.

~Steve Martin

Christmas Is All About Tradition

4 finals... 1 championship so far! 2 games to go! God bless us, every one!

Xmas: Not Just For Jug Bands Anymore!

Not A Canon

A CANNON! A Christmas cannon! You just slather something in glue, pump up the cannon, and BAM -- you just Christmas'd the hell out of that shit!

Feliz Cumpleaños, Jesus

Not Your Father's Gingerbread Men

Get ready for some serious gingerbread geekery, my friends! There's something for everyone!Take a look! Then get inspired and make your own! Then make me a sandwich! Ha-ha, and a drink. Don't forget the drink.

The Letters "X" And "M" And "A" And "S"

Silence Falls

Dammit Jim!

Rest in peace, Majel....

In Space No One Can Hear You Carol

All Others Must Pay Cash

1. Jack Nicholson was originally offered the role of the father in the movie, which eventually went to Darren McGavin.

2. The story's author, Jean Shepherd, has a cameo in the film as an irritable department store customer who tells Ralphie to head to the back of the line.
3. Even though the house, 3159 West 11th St., appears in the film, almost all the interiors were shot elsewhere on a soundstage.
4. Shepherd's Christmas stories originally appeared in Playboy magazines in 1965 and 1967.
5. Two years before directing a A Christmas Story, Bob Clark had a hit with Porky's. (On a sad note, Clark and his son Ariel were killed in a car accident in California in 2007.)
6. Brian Jones bought the A Christmas Story house for $150,000 in 2004 and spent $250,000 to fix it up.
7. In 1983, the movie made a respectable $19 million at the box office.
8. The annual A Christmas Story marathon on TBS attracts 40 million viewers.
9. The school where Flick gets his tongue stuck to a flagpole was filmed in Ontario, Canada.
10. More than 70,000 people have been through the house in Tremont. They have come from all 50 states and more than a dozen other countries.
11. Director Clark has a cameo as clueless neighbor Swede.
12. West 11th Street is also known as Cleveland Street in honor of the movie.
13. All the elves in the movie were Cleveland locals.
14. The filmmakers determined that the exact Red Ryder BB gun that Shepherd describes -- Ralphie's dream gift -- didn't exist. A model was created for the movie.
15. The A Christmas Story sequel, My Summer Story (released at the box office as "It Runs in the Family"), was also shot at the house on West 11th Street in 1994. It features an almost entirely different cast, including Charles Grodin as the Old Man, Mary Steenburgen as Ralphie's mother and Kieran Culkin as Ralphie.
16. The A Christmas Story House and its neighboring museum and gift shop employ 12 people seasonally.
17. Two marriage proposals were made in the house, and one couple was married there wearing 1941 period clothing in 2007.
18. An eBay auction awards the winning bidder the opportunity to spend a night in the house on Christmas Eve. Bidding is ongoing.
19. A 1938 Oldsmobile touring sedan that was seen in the parade scene in the movie sits in the garage behind the gift shop.
20. Is that really snow on the ground in the movie? No. It's firefighting foam. Actors and crew slipped and slid around on the stuff during filming.
21. After the scene in which Ralphie drops his f-bombs, his mom washes out his mouth with soap. Lifebuoy soap to be exact. And yes, they sell the soap imported from England in the gift shop.
22. After the movie was shot, the house became a rental, and many different people lived there until it was bought and restored by Brian Jones.
23. According to staff at the A Christmas Story House, before the shooting of the movie, the house's basement was home to many an illegal cockfight.
24. Author Shepherd is the movie's narrator.
25. Jim Moralevitz, who played the role of the delivery man who brings the leg lamp crate to the house, was a local extra who still lives on the street.

4/8 - Finals in four leagues!

Yule Love 'em!

Welcome To Stepford! Wipe Your Feet!

It's not enough to have to worry about madmen building robots... now we have to worry about madmen building robots then breeding with them. And I still have wrapping to do!

"Inventor Le Trung, 33, created Aiko, said to be "in her 20s" with a stunning 32, 23, 33 figure, shiny hair and delicate feature"

"In her 20's." Riiiiiiiiight. She's not a day over 13, I guarantee it.

"So far she can understand and speak 13,000 different sentences in English and Japanese, so she's already fairly intelligent. "When I need to do my accounts, Aiko does all the maths. She is very patient and never complains."

"He said he did not build Aiko as a sexual partner, but said she could be tweaked to become one. 'Her software could be redesigned to simulate her having an orgasm and reacting to touch as if she is playing hard to get or being straight to the point,' he said."

Sex. With. A. Robot. A coy robot. That's... just... peachy.

" 'Fem-bot' Aiko, who has cost £14,000 (~$21,000) to build so far, is a whizz at maths and even does Le's accounts.

"Le, a scientific genius from Brampton in Ontario, Canada, said he never had time to find a real partner so he designed one using the latest technology."

Lemme tell you a little something about scientific geniuses: scientific geniuses don't blow twenty grand building robotic girlfriends. They blow it on faking moon landings.

March Of The Metal Soldiers

Africa! Who's coming with me?

Daze? I'm Confused.

Just Nuts. No Roasting.

Hey kids! Britney Spears recorded a holiday greeting for her website, and it also stars Jayden James and Sean Preston! Of course, half of Sean's face is hidden because market research shows he's not a successful driver in the fourth quarter. Kids & Christmas? They just don't go together.

Mann (Up), John

Hark! And Lookee!

7/12 - playoffs in 8 leagues!

12 Days Of Christmas... And A Whole Lot Of Felt

I Woke Up In Plak Tow This Morning

Okay, so this scene plays out in my mind most every day. What's your point? Like YOU don't hear this music all of the time.

Patton! You Magnificent Bastard!

Write a book!

A Tale Of Two J's

Stripped Of All That Matters

Don't let them lull you into complacency with their pole-dancing antics!

Watch this. Oh, and if this arouses you, well then, the robots have already won. Live with that, pervert.

Logopolis

Hey! Here's a thing!

Neatorama has put together an informative piece on several of the big Hollywood studio logos, the histories behind them, and their variations throughout the years, laying out the stories behind the MGM lion, the the Paramount mountain, and more. And no, they don't discuss the View Askew creepy clown. Would you? You would, wouldn't you? No wonder no one car pools with you.

Just Before The War With The Robots

Never. That's when we'll learn. Never.

Some idiot went and taught a robot how to play Pong. Next thing you know, the crazy bastard will teach the archangel of the apocalypse how to play Donkey Kong, and from there, well, I think you can imagine what happens next. Here's a hint: we all die.



5/12

Winterland Wonderland

Shat? Says "Shipshape!"

William Shatner says he was asked for his opinion on JJ Abrams' re-imagined Starship Enterprise. That claim is most likely a lie, but if I've learned anything in this life, it's that when the Shat speaks, you listen.



Oh, and don't miss his new show on Biography. What? Have you learned nothing today?

"I'm Here To Recruit You."

They're Not Saying "Boo...."

They're saying "Bruuuuuuuce."

Turkey

Happy Thanksgiving, you murderous, blood-drinking human/turkey hybrid you!

Every Old Wave Is New Again

Just in time for the holiday!

The Nuwave Oven Pro is a $120 portable oven that can allegedly cook a 10-pound turkey (or small sibling) in a mere two hours.

"NuWave performs this miracle using three kinds of heat: Conduction, convection and infrared, turning that raw bird into a golden brown beauty in no time flat."

Oh really? I bet we could cut the cooking time down to an hour by adding a fourth type of heat -- my body's. Oh, yeah.

The Brit Is Back

Hey y'all! Britney's in Rolling Stone!

Here's what our li'l trailer park princess had to say:

On her new subdued life: "I feel like an old person now," she says one afternoon, as a manicurist applies rhinestones and girly pink lacquer to her chewed-up nails. "I do! I go to bed at, like, 9:30 every night, and I don't go out or anything, you know what I mean? I just feel like an old fart."

On her appearance: She says she's considering lopping off the weave she's worn since shaving her head in 2007, and when she counts up her tattoos — "Seven! Oh, my God, y'all!" — she falls back into the couch giggling, kicking her feet in the air.

On her dad's iron fist: She is watched over day and night by security guards Jamie hired (and she's paying for); it's also rumored that Britney's phone calls are closely monitored and that she's not allowed to drive her own Mercedes. Recently, says one source with ties to the Britney camp, Jamie fired a guard who let the singer use his phone. (Her rep denies the claim.

On Kevin Federline: "They don't look like their father at all," she continues. "And it's weird 'cause they're starting to learn words like 'stupid,' and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn't get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids."

Oh, wow, that's fucking awesome: Britney Spears criticizing Kevin Federline's parenting. Amazing. First, it was her dad completely turning her life around and saving her from lying dead in a ditch of crazy. Now, it's Kevin Federline, who may be a douche, but he didn't use their sons as coasters.

And the worst part? She's put me on K-Fed's side. Oh, the humanity.

11/12

It's 100% Somethin' Alright....

So, sigh... Arkansas native Phillip Sherman and his wife Tina are suing McDonald's because -they claim- Phillip left his cell phone at a restaurant and the naked photos of his wife that were on it headed straight for the interwebs.

"The suit was filed Friday and seeks a jury trial and $3 million in damages for suffering, embarrassment and the cost of having to move to a new home (due to alleged stalkers).

The suit says that Phillip Sherman left the phone the Fayetteville store in July and that employees promised to secure it until he returned."

Now I hate to call the Shermans liars and cheats, but they most certainly are. Chili finger, anyone?

"Our Future Begins Here."

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Battlestar Galactica is the best show on TV. Even now, when it's weeks away from being on TV. That's how great it is.

Check out the SciFi trailer for the final 10.

This Just In....

Yipee Kai-Yay, Motherf@#*er

This is God's Facebook page from the time of Genesis. Unfortunately, I only have these screenshots of it because this particular ghost rider in the sky won't accept my friendship request (click 'em to embiggen).

World Leaders Don't Pretend

And let me make it good....

I Like To Watch

This new Watchmen trailer is going to knock you on your nerdy ass. It will knock your books out of your arms, shove you in a locker, and make you do its homework.

It's A Trap!

Chilly Pig Bits!

Hey kids! Now you can make your own delicious candied bacon ice cream by following the simple instructions over at David Lebovitz's website. I don't really want to go into details, but for you stoners out there: it's a little more complicated than just adding Bac~O's to vanilla ice cream. Which is, like, totally about to happen!

"The Wait Is Over..."

Holy crap! Click the pic! Click the pic! Click the pic! Click the pic! Click the pic!

Thorne? Not On Her Side.

David Thorne didn't have the $233.95 to pay an overdue account. So what did he do? What anyone would do. He submitted a picture of a spider he drew instead. So what happened next? Read on! (click to embiggen!)

That Sense Of... Enterprise

You know which character in the original Star Trek got the most fan mail? By a wide margin, it was the Enterprise. No lie. And if you're thinking that she wasn't a "character," then you're thinking wrong.

JJ Abrams' Star Trek reboot hits theaters this May. His re-imagined Enterprise? That hits computer monitors all over the world riiiiiiiiiiight about... now.

No Boy Toys

Behold! These are the set of "while they're away" rules Madonna sent Guy Ritchie whose sons, Rocca and David, are with him in London.

So, basically Guy Ritchie has to carry his kids around in a shoebox (made of 100% recycled materials) full of Kashi and Madonna books while his kids "enjoy" their stay in London. Huh. Why do I have a feeling that when the kids get back to Madonna's compound it'll be all Wienerschnitzel and water slides?

The Problem Is, Now He Has To Go Home

So a couple days ago Britney Spears' two-year-old son Jayden was rushed to a Mississippi ER after reportedly suffering a seizure. Britney had just arrived in Louisiana on Friday to celebrate the holiday with her family marking the first time she was allowed to take the boys out of the state since Kevin Federline gained primary custody. That lasted 24 hours. The Daily Mail reported:

"Jayden James was raced to the emergency ward after lapsing into a 'vague and unresponsive' state.

"The toddler fell ill yesterday afternoon at the family home in Kentwood, Louisiana. The entire Spears clan made the 25-mile dash to Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Centre, Mississippi.

"Doctors were unable to pinpoint the problem straight away and kept the toddler in for overnight observation. Distraught Britney, 26, refused to leave his side and asked for a bed next to him in the ward.

"Her ex-husband, rapper Kevin Federline, is now believed to be making plans to jet out of Los Angeles to be at Jayden's bedside."

First off, in all seriousness, everyone hoped for the best for little Jayden, and the good news is he's just fine. In the meantime, let's be honest: you know when the doctors said "We're not quite sure what the problem is..." everyone in the hospital turned and looked at Britney.

If The Accident Will

Today's Other Highlight in History:

On Nov. 11, 1918, fighting in World War I came to an end with the signing of an armistice between the Allies and Germany.

On This Date:

In 1620, 41 Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower, anchored off Massachusetts, signed a compact calling for a "body politick.''

In 1831, former slave Nat Turner, who'd led a violent insurrection, was executed in Jerusalem, Va.

In 1889, Washington became the 42nd state.

In 1918, the Second Polish Republic declared its independence.

In 1921, the remains of an unidentified American service member were interred in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington National Cemetery in a ceremony presided over by President Harding.

In 1966, Gemini 12 blasted off from Cape Kennedy, Fla., with astronauts James A. Lovell and Edwin ``Buzz'' Aldrin Jr. aboard.

In 1968, the Republic of Maldvies was declared.

In 1983, President Reagan became the first U.S. chief executive to address the Diet, Japan's national legislature.

In 1988, police in Sacramento, Calif., found the first of seven bodies buried on the grounds of a boardinghouse. Landlady Dorothea Puente was later charged in the deaths of nine people; she was convicted of three murders and sentenced to life in prison.

In 2004, Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat died at a military hospital in Paris at age 75.

Ten years ago: President Clinton ordered warships, planes and troops to the Persian Gulf as he laid out his case for a possible attack on Iraq. Iraq, meanwhile, showed no sign of backing down from its refusal to deal with U.N. weapons inspectors. Israel's Cabinet narrowly ratified a land-for-peace agreement with the Palestinians.

Five years ago: President Bush's top foreign advisers summoned L. Paul Bremer, Iraq's U.S. administrator, for hurried White House talks focused on their growing frustrations with the Iraqi Governing Council and a logjam in transferring political power to Iraqis. In Galveston, Texas, millionaire Robert Durst was found not guilty of murdering Morris Black, an elderly neighbor whom Durst said he'd killed accidentally. Toronto's Roy Halladay won the American League Cy Young Award.

One year ago: President Gen. Pervez Musharraf said Pakistan would stick to its January schedule for parliamentary elections, but set no time limit on emergency rule. Marking his fifth Veterans Day since the invasion of Iraq, President Bush honored U.S. troops past and present at a tearful ceremony in Texas.

Today's Birthdays: Dancer-choreographer Nicholas Royce is 83. Comedian Jonathan Winters is 83. Jazz singer-musician Mose Allison is 81. Author Carlos Fuentes is 80. Country singer Narvel Felts is 70. Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., is 68. Rock singer-musician Vince Martell (Vanilla Fudge) is 63. Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller is 57. Pop singer-musician Paul Cowsill (The Cowsills) is 56. Rock singer-musician Andy Partridge (XTC) is 55. Singer Marshall Crenshaw is 55. Rock singer Dave Alvin is 53. Rock musician Ian Craig Marsh (Human League; Heaven 17) is 52. Actor Stanley Tucci is 48. Actress Demi Moore is 46. Actress Calista Flockhart is 44. Actor Philip McKeon is 44. Rock musician Scott Mercado is 44. TV personality Carson Kressley is 39. Actor David DeLuise is 37. Actor Adam Beach is 36. Actor Leonardo DiCaprio is 34. Rock musician Jonathan Pretus (Cowboy Mouth) is 27. Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. was born on November 11, 1922.

Happy anniversary!

6/12

All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

A new Watchmen poster!

Huh. Is it just me, or does this image look strangely familiar?

Just me, I guess.

No One Is Easing Down That Road

While you were sleeping a group of sickos at Carnegie Mellon have decided to automate the world's largest truck, a 3,550-horsepower, 700-ton behemoth designed to haul 240-ton loads. "Why?" you ask? Because they hate the future, that's why.

"'Autonomous vehicle technology is pretty much in its infancy,' said Tony Stentz, a professor at CMU involved in the project. Stentz expects that over the next five to 10 years, the technology will expand to areas beyond mining, eventually finding its way into consumer cars and trucks."

Autonomous vehicle technology. That. Sounds. Great. Seriously, this is bad news. You know what happens when a 700-ton robot truck gets road rage? Nothing good.

It IS A Super Obama World! It IS!

Lookee!

It's soon to be 44th U.S. President Barack Obama in Super Obama World! You run around in Alaska stomping pigs, collecting American flags and not buying clothes. It wasn't the worst game I've ever played, but that's only because I've had games played with my heart. True story.

You're... Welcome?

A $13 mouse pad that looks like a welcome mat?

Great day in the morning! What will they think of next? And could it possibly be half as stupid as this?

I'm sure I won't be disappointed.

The Rebirth Of Fools

And now, back to the business of the nation.

So, as we all know Paris Hilton (our beloved de-evolutionary sweetheart) has been paying more and more visits to David Letterman's Late Show recently... and I gotta' tell you, I'm starting to love these Paris/Dave interviews. Mostly because he drops a ton of backhanded, snarky compliments, and she just giggles like a doll-eyed, vapid mountain of dumb. But I did learn something: it turns out 300,000 people auditioned for Paris Hilton's My New BFF. That's over a quarter of a million Americans who think hanging out with the human equivalent of a Port-A-John is the zenith of living.

And you wonder why I was so worried about the election?

"We As A People Will Get There"

You Are America

VOTE!

Did you experience any voting weirdness? REPORT IT! 1-866-OUR-VOTE!

And now a word from our sponsor:

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6/12

Make It Work!

How Many Chickens?

Nobody knows. And no, no one is counting. Not yet.