That Dobler Vision Gets the Best of Me

"One game, I knocked the crap out of Merlin Olsen. If you wanted to see it on instant replay, you had to go to the kitchen because I knocked him so far out of the TV frame. After the game, he says, "One of these days, someone's going to break Dobler's neck, and I'm not going to send any flowers." What happens? He gets the $500,000 FTD commercial, and I don't get shit. He goes to the Pro Bowl fourteen times. He's in the Hall of Fame. He's probably got more money than God. When he was doing Father Murphy on NBC, he had a graveyard scene. One of the tombs said: CONRAD DOBLER. GONE, BUT NOT FORGIVEN. It's been twenty years since I played him, and I'm still on his fucking mind. And I like that." ~Conrad Dobler

Conrad Dobler was one of football's really great accidents. He may or may not have been what his press-clippings called him, but he was certainly shrewd in his ability to ride his reputation into a few decent payday bonanzas in the commercial industry. His mythic reputation? The dirtiest player in the game.

Dobler was a biting, kicking, punching, gouging, cheating, cheap-shot artist of an offensive guard mainly for the 70's St. Louis Cardinals who, aside from the nasty reputation, was otherwise unexceptional. And therein is the beauty of the Conrad Dobler accident - he really was nothing more than a solid offensive guard who, because of that nasty reputation, became a household name.

Every Monday night Howard would laugh through some tale of Dobler setting fire to a school bus full of children. Every NFL pre-game show would have some sort of funny bit on how Dobler picked a fight with an invalid. Every magazine and newspaper would run some goofy story on Dobler's satanic rituals. And all this coverage for a slightly-better-than-average offensive guard whom no one would have otherwise known! Genius!

Then along came the advertising companies! "Conrad, shill these lawn darts by impaling a kitten with them!" Or "Conrad, bust the Kool-Aid man into a bazillion pieces!" Or "Conrad, call Fonzie a wuss!" Ahhhhhhh, the 70's!

Funny, when you really tore apart the myth, Dobler was no more of a dirty player than your average Congressman. He wasn't even that scary looking. Shoot, he probably even liked little puppies, rainbows and walks on the beach. Dobler was just too smart to attempt to change public perception about him - let's just say that Terry Bradshaw would've been accepted into MENSA well before Dobler would ever consider giving some tear-filled interview to Phyllis George about how he's really a groovy kind of guy who teaches The Hustle to the underprivileged and loves The Carpenters. This kinda' media savvy isn't such a big deal now, but at the time, Dobler was well ahead of the game.

I bring this up because it occurs to me that I've been (inadvertantly) doing my own spinning the last, oh, nine weeks. To read these weekly fantasy football updates, you might think that:
A) I understand football, and/or
B) I give a shit about football

I'm sorry to tell you that you'd be wrong on both counts... and I apologize for leading you astray.

So, as to the first point: "I understand football." Not so much. I have a firm grasp of the concept (get to the other end of the field more often than the other guys), but beyond that... it's a mystery to me. I know women in halter tops and golf carts with oversized, fiberglass helmets are involved... but the intricate machinations of the gridiron are wasted on me... sorry.

As to the second point: "I give a shit about football..." again, not so much. I admit to an irrational, almost masochistic love for the Seattle Seahawks (GO HAWKS!), but otherwise... yeah, I don't really care. I couldn't even tell you who's playoff-bound, or ignominy-destined so far this season... but I'm pretty sure the Houston Oilers are out of the playoff picture this year.

"So gee, Chris... why do you play fantasy football every year?" you ask. Well my pretty ponies, that would be Joe's fault. Joe tricked me into playing fantasy football a few years ago, and there's been no looking back. I would look back, but man... there's just no time for that, what with 16 weeks of lineups and stats to ponder.... I may not care about real football, but come Fall, almost all I care about is make-believe football. In my defense, I did not throw him into that briar patch... there's only so much wool you can pull over my eyes, dammit.

So it's come to this: Joe got me hooked on fantasy football, and now he faces me in the NFL.COM league this week... mano a mano. Big game... I never say "no" to a win (though I've been known to say "Use a coaster!" to a win) of course... but beating Joe would be a huge boon for Nancy... which, you know, wouldn't suck for me. I don't want to be indiscreet, but I'm just sayin'... it could mean another Force FX light saber in the house... a real "win-win" situation... 'cept, you know, it'd mean Joe losing... but I'm sure knowing that his loss means a second light-up light saber for me makes losing worthwhile... right Joe? Right?

That's right.

Speaking of losing, I lost in the NFL.COM league in Week 9. That sucked. Lookee:

East Division
Metropolis Meteors 5-4-0
jump 4-5-0
AntiBushTexans 3-6-0
Crawford Vaqueros 2-6-1

Central Division
blueflames 7-2-0
Eau Claire Charlatans 6-3-0
San Jose Synecdoche 5-4-0
marauders 4-5-0

West Division
COSTA RICAN PANTHERS 6-3-0
Jimbo 5-4-0
METRO ALLSTARS 4-4-1
scurvy dawgs 2-7-0

The good news is I'm still #1 in my division. I think it has something to do with everyone else in my division losing... it's another one of those great accidents.

Oh, as long as we're talking about losing, lookee again:

1. Kirk's nightmare 8-1-0
2. San Diego Zoo 7-2-0
3. Last & Least Too 6-3-0
4. Budwipers 6-3-0
5. Turd Burglars 5-4-0
6. Gotham Knights 5-4-0
7. Las Vegas Heat 5-4-0
8. Super Chargers 4-5-0
9. Arsenal 4-5-0
10. Wade Reeves QB 4-5-0
11. kimpossible 4-5-0
12. AggieDucks 3-6-0
13. The Nation 2-7-0
14. Cyanide 0-9-0

That's right, I lost in the office Yahoo league as well. A stunning defeat... if not unexpected (if you believe in Karma, like me, Earl and Carson Daly). I lost by the same margin I won the week before... figures. The only good news is this was my first "dual loss" week of the season... which for most wouldn't be good news, of course... but my fantasy football bar is pretty low, so it's still worth crowing about... "You go, Chris! Way not to lose more!"

I am the master of spin.

"I know what's wrong and right in this world. I just wonder why I smoke cigarettes." ~Conrad Dobler