Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life!

You know, I'm glad that Paris Hilton decided to go with a smaller, more modest engagement ring.

Considering how much money she has and her undeniable need for attention, she could have easily gone with some gigantic, gaudy, garish thing with a diamond bigger than my colon... but God bless her, she didn't. Because Paris? She's classy. And classy women? They know that having the biggest diamond in the world on your finger is just plain tacky.

Oh, and according to Hello magazine, Paris wants to host her wedding ceremony in London at St Paul's Cathedral, Westminster Abbey or Windsor Castle, and she sees no reason why the royal family shouldn't let her. There is, though, the small matter that only British royals or heads of state can marry in the historical venues.

Our dauntless Paris remains undaunted though! "I'm the closest thing to American royalty anyway," she proudly proclaimed. Paris has written to Prince Charles, begging for permission to hold her dream day at one of the venues. Somebody should explain to Paris that walking around Los Angeles in a tiara doesn't automatically make you royalty. In fact, wearing a fake crown and pretending you're a princess actually makes you the opposite of royalty... at least that's what that homeless guy I saw in the Mission this morning jerking-off into a Dynomutt lunch box and wearing nothing but a tiara and 25-year old pair of Dingos taught me.