You Don't Have to Win it, Just Don't Lose it.*

Week 1 of the football season is but a fond memory... unless you drafted Javon Walker like I did, dammit! Then it's just a bitter, stinging reminder that it can be one long trek to the Super Bowl, and like as not the Seahawks will be watchin' it on the big screens in the audio/video department at Fred Meyer. Don't get me wrong though, I feel bad for Javon... missing the season due to shredding an ACL in the first half of the season opener... sucks, I know. Sure, his family won't be on food stamps any time soon, but it's a drag, nonetheless. But still, one wonders: did he stop for a moment to think about me, and my season as he was carted off the field? No, I don't think he did. And that's why you can never trust a football player, my friends. Or a shopping mall Easter Bunny... but that's another story.

And don't even get me started on my other Yahoo league superstar, the legendary QB Brett Favre! No touchdowns? I'm pretty sure that hasn't happened to him since Rue McClanahan's first menstrual cycle. What the hell was that all about? Tony tells me that Brett was probably distracted... he has a home, and family, in Mississippi y'understand. But it's like I used to tell that little league team I coached back in Fremont -the Asthmatic, Blind-in-One-Eye, One-Legged Palsy Mustangs- "You play your way through that shit! And quit drooling on those jerseys! They're rented!"

Anyway, it was a bittersweet week for me, football fans. First of all, I lost in spectacular fashion in the office Yahoo league (thanks a bunch, Brett!). I'm learning from it, though, and moving on... only way to go is up... well, almost: I'm second to last, but as long as the last place team continues to ignore their weekly rosters I'm pretty sure I can kick his ass all season! Yeah, baby! Bring it!

Take a look at the majesty that is your Gotham Knights:

YAHOO.COM ~ Al Bundy Football League

1. Kirk's nightmare 1-0-0
2. Budwipers 1-0-0
3. San Diego Zoo 1-0-0
4. The Nation 1-0-0
5. AggieDucks 1-0-0
6. Last & Least Too 1-0-0
7. kimpossible 1-0-0
8. Arsenal 0-1-0
9. Wade Reeves QB 0-1-0
10.Turd Burglars 0-1-0
11.Super Chargers 0-1-0
12.Las Vegas Heat 0-1-0
13.Gotham Knights 0-1-0
14.Cyanide 0-1-0

Yeah, not the outcome I was hoping for... sigh.... It's like my lacrosse coach used to say to me: "Quit bawling and get me a Mojito, Rick!"

I fared better in the NFL.COM league though! First in my division for the first time ever! I've highlighted my team (your Metropolis Meteors, of course), and Nancy's and Joe's and Tony's for your score-perusing enjoyment. Look here for their team names, and wussy little rosters.

I'm proud to announce that Nancy is kicking fantasy football ass in our league! She not only rules her division, but the entire league with an impressive point total. Still, I know she lives in fear as she waits anxiously to face the indomitable force that is the Metropolis Meteors... I almost pity her... almost.

Behold:

NFL.COM ~ Anti-Bush Texans League

East
Metropolis Meteors 1-0-0
jump 1-0-0
AntiBush Texans 0-1-0
Crawford Vaqueros 0-1-0

Central
SanJoseSynechode 1-0-0
blueflamers 1-0-0
EauClaire Charlatans 0-1-0
marauders 0-1-0

West
COSTRICAN PANTHERS 1-0-0
scurvydawgs 1-0-0
METROALLSTARS 0-1-0
Jimbo 0-1-0

Obviously, the "George Costanza Rule" held true for week one. Remember how I was even more stoked about my Yahoo league roster than my NFL.COM league roster? Yeah, we see how that turned out. Maybe Nancy's right, and I should consult my gut each week... and then do the exact opposite. Lessee... my gut tells me I should do that... but now it says it always lies... wait... now it says it's telling the truth about this: I should always do what it says... but it said to do the opposite... but it lies... but the truth... lies... opposite....

I was right about one thing: it's a looooooooooooong season....

*The inimitable Ray Lewis