Claus and Effect.

Genius of Love

Tom Cruise recently appeared at a fundraiser for a controversial Scientology program that claims to heal firefighters and rescue workers who breathed toxic smoke on 9/11. Doctors, however, say Cruise's "purification rundown" is nothing but worthless quackery consisting of sauna sweating, ingestion of cooking oil and large doses of niacin. The program could actually be harmful, because Cruise and company advise everyone to stop taking their prescription medications or using inhalers, just as he criticized Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants to relieve her postpartum depression.

When the words "Tom Cruise," "sauna sweating" and "cooking oil" come together in a story, I also fully expect to see some combination of the words "publicist rigorously denies" and "drunken ass-pirates." My mistake (this time). Sadly, it now seems only a matter of time before Tom Cruise's quasi-medicine indirectly kills someone. Hopefully that someone will be Tom Cruise.

He's so deep.

Sometimes a Trailer is Just a Trailer

Week 14... sigh.

You know, for me, I've done pretty well this season. Made the playoffs in one league, and finished high -if weak- in another league... yet still... I'm disappointed. My fantasy football glass? It's half-empty. Sure I could be ecstatic that I finished second in my NFL.COM division -with a losing record that pales in comparison to Nancy's record (who, thanks to getting stuck with the toughest teams in the league finished last in her division)- but instead I'm annoyed that I came this close to the playoffs in that league... and once again am watching them from the sidelines.

It's just like that time my field hockey team almost made the state championship... just as disappointing, and just as imaginary.

So, to make the NFL.COM playoffs I had to win while my rival for first place had to lose to Tony, remember? I have to admit -as I have sheepishly to Tony already- that I assumed the weak link in that chain of events was the possibility of Tony winning. Turns out I was wrong. I got whooped on Sunday, while Tony did some whoopin' of his own, and when the whoopin' was over? I was parked in second place, and on the bench for the post-season.

The end-of-season rankings:

East Division
AntiBushTexans 7-7-0
Metropolis Meteors 6-8-0
jump 6-8-0
Crawford Vaqueros 4-9-1

Central Division
Eau Claire Charlatans 10-4-0
blueflames 10-4-0
marauders 8-6-0
San Jose Synecdoche 7-7-0

West Division
COSTA RICAN PANTHERS 9-5-0
METRO ALLSTARS 8-5-1
Jimbo 5-9-0
scurvy dawgs 3-11-0

Hats off to Nancy who kicked my ass all season, but finished last in her division regardless. And while we're tipping hats and naming names, howsabout that Joe, huh? He's a fantasy football genius, it turns out! He took over his division a couple weeks ago, and made the playoffs with ease, and dare I say... aplomb. Now all of our digits are crossed while we root for Joe to take home the championship. You go, Eau Claire Charlatans!

In the office Yahoo league? This was week one of our playoffs... and, dammit, I lost. As it turns out I would have beaten any other team but the one I actually played... but, as it also turns out, that doesn't matter at all. Nor did a lot of whining, and not a little begging. Live and learn.

I finish this week still in fifth, but unfortunately that's the best I can finish after next week's consolation game. Odds are I'll finish sixth, which is a drag, but still... it's the best I've ever finished in a Yahoo league, so that's something, right?

The rankings:

*1. San Diego Zoo 11-2-0
*2. Kirk's nightmare 10-3-0
*3. Arsenal 8-5-0
*4. Turd Burglars 8-5-0
*5. Gotham Knights 8-5-0
*6. Last & Least Too 7-5-1
7. Super Chargers 7-6-0
8. Budwipers 6-6-1
9. Wade Reeves QB 6-7-0
10. AggieDucks 5-8-0
11. Las Vegas Heat 5-8-0
12. kimpossible 5-8-0
13. The Nation 4-9-0
14. Cyanide 0-13-0

So that's that for the pentultimate week of the fantasy football season (for me, anyway). No more games in the NFL.COM league, and one game to go in the Yahoo league. After that? It's just a whole lot of planning for next season, and a bunch of not watching baseball.

Look through the magic window.

Sweet Jews for Jesus!

Kid: Santa!
Willie: Yeah.
Kid: You're bringing my present early?
Willie: No
Kid: But I never told you what I wanted.
Willie: I said I didn't bring it, dipshit.
~Bad Santa

A Virus With Shoes

"I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet.

"Pick it up."

"I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."

"Pick up the gun."

"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister."

"Pick up the gun."

(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)

"You all saw him - he had a gun."

******
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth.

******
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

******
Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

******
People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports.

******
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

******

If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs.

The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.

******
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that?

I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

******
We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up.

******

I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House.

I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: " Hey, whatchoo readin' for?"

Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being

a fucking waffle waitress.

******
Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like...every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing,

so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make.

******
I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

******
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie!

When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well.

You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

******
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet.

"I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

******
I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it."

I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

******
I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off,

and went about my day.

******
Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms,

sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."

******
I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit.

We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

******
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride."

And we kill those people.

******
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

******
It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

******
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now.

Now, back to the show.

"You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet!

******
Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, your goverment is in control. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what we tell you!

You are free to do what we tell you!

******
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough.

That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

******
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse,

how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?

******
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

******
See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising.

Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!

******
Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to

Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."

Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble.

That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old?

"That's right."

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

"Uh-huh."

Dinosaurs.

You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time,

you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.

"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the

brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.

"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills.

"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."

******

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

******

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

Solid Gold Dancer

The Gemmy Santa is a 5-foot tall Claus that sings and dances and, well, writhes to holiday music and makes you feverishly wish you lived in a time or place when the creation of such things would constitute witchcraft and would be discouraged by public drownings or burnings or being pelted with live carp or something.

Anyway, here’s Josh McCormick’s guide to alleviating the suffering by getting Santa to rock out to Dio or whatever for the holidays.

Life During Wartime

“Listen, as far as the war on Christmas goes, I feel like we should be waging a war on Christmas. I mean, I believe that Christmas, it’s almost proven that Christmas has nuclear weapons, can be an imminent threat to this country, that they have operative ties with terrorists and I believe that we should sacrifice thousands of American lives in pursuit of this war on Christmas.” ~Sam Seder

You Know Who? Pere Ubu, Cindy Lou Who!

"My friend's a stooge for the media priests
He does the weather map for Channel 3
He smiles alot when I take him home
Stares at the rug if I leave him alone
Lays around the house in misery
He toes the line for the company
He's livin life like a Hollow Man hidin out in a Hollow Land
My Friend Is A Stooge For The Media Priests

In the morning with his hand on his heart
to keep the world safe from falling apart
he pledges allegiance to the Land of Thrills
No one there's born to pay their bills
He's livin life like a Hollow Man hidin out in a Hollow Land
My Friend Is A Stooge For The Media Priests
My friend's a stooge for the media priests
He does the weather map for Channel 3"
~Pere Ubu, My Friend Is A Stooge For The Media Priests

Oh, really?

Look to the cookie!

Run over by a reindeer.

Yes Virginia, there is a Kringlecast.

Spirit Squad

So, here's the thing: I haven't been feeling so Xmasy.

For the last, oh, 39 years, I've always felt quite Xmasy... at Xmas anyway. I've enjoyed decorating; I've baked (Yeah? So?). I've reveled in shopping; I haven't minded parking. I've never sung a carol, but I've always happily listened. I've found the joy in lights and wreaths and kids hopped-up on sugar and online wish lists. I've been, dare I say it, "merry."

But not so much this year. I don't know why. I have more to be wistful about than ever; I have more to be happy about than I ever dared dream. If I was into thanking imaginary beings for things, I'd have more to thank Paris and Jesus and Regis for than ever before. By rights, I should feel Xmasy... right?

But 'till today? Nope... not so much.

So what happened today?

Nancy watched A Christmas Carol and A Charlie Brown Christmas with me. She never wept, but damn if she didn't smile... and that, my friends, was the best gift I could have hoped for. See, Nancy has more reasons to hate Xmas than Yoda has Midi-chlorians, but today? Today she smiled at Linus reciting New Testament chapter and verse. That is the spirit of Xmas, my friends: A Jewish girl who's family and faith never gave her a reason to love Xmas loving the dopiest aspects of it for even a few minutes because it would make her husband happy.

It really is an Xmas miracle. We've always enjoyed the holidays, and done our best to celebrate both Hanukkah and Xmas each year, but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that one year I'd be the cynical one, while Nancy was the spirited, optimistic one who draggged me back from the brink of holiday doldrums. That's not to say I never thought she could... I just never imagined it'd be necessary.

The ghost of Christmas? Present.

Speaking of Xmas miracles, Week 13 is in the books... and I made the playoffs! Well, in one league, anyway. That's right... I've been asterisked! Check it out:

*1. San Diego Zoo 11-2-0
*2. Kirk's nightmare 10-3-0
*3. Arsenal 8-5-0
*4. Turd Burglars 8-5-0
*5. Gotham Knights 8-5-0
*6. Last & Least Too 7-5-1
7. Super Chargers 7-6-0
8. Budwipers 6-6-1
9. Wade Reeves QB 6-7-0
10. AggieDucks 5-8-0
11. Las Vegas Heat 5-8-0
12. kimpossible 5-8-0
13. The Nation 4-9-0
14. Cyanide 0-13-0

Yup, I won, and leapt to 5th place in the office Yahoo league, and secured a playoff berth! That makes this week do-or-die time... hero? Or the goat? Only guru points and five-star ratings will tell... but I'm optimistic that I'll come out on top, and go on to game 2/3 of the Yahoo playoffs... where, like as not, I'll be crushed.

One cool thing: I have the league's leading running back, and my opponent? He has the league's second-highest rated running back... it's a clash of the titans... except, you know, Harry Hamlin and Claymated sea monsters won't be at all involved.

Speaking of taming shrews, I got whupped in the ol' NFL.COM league. Guess that makes me the shrew in that scenario. I'm okay with that. It was an ugly loss. Stare into your reflective shield and take a look:

East Division
AntiBushTexans 7-6-0
Metropolis Meteors 6-7-0
jump 5-8-0
Crawford Vaqueros 3-9-1

Central Division
Eau Claire Charlatans 9-4-0
blueflames 9-4-0
marauders 8-5-0
San Jose Synecdoche 7-6-0

West Division
COSTA RICAN PANTHERS 9-4-0
METRO ALLSTARS 7-5-1
Jimbo 5-8-0
scurvy dawgs 2-11-0

I lost, and sunk to second. Here's how it shakes out: to make the playoffs I have to win, while the #1 team in my division needs to lose... to Tony... who, unfortunately has been wallowing in losses of late.... So unless Tony turns it around and wins come Monday night, I'm hosed.

Meanwhile, Joe is dominating the Central Division! He clobbered his division rival last week, and meets another less-talented division foe this week. Nancy faces Joe's closest competitor this week in a game that means little to her in practical terms, but no one is more competitive than Nancy, so she's not lying down for the game, tell you what. Sad to say, win or lose she's out of wild card contention... which sucks.

But you know what? Though the chips are down, and we're facing stiff competition this week, we're not giving up. We have hope, and grit, and despite our shared cynicism, yeah... we have faith. Maybe just in each other... but that kinda' faith? Well, that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Happiness is a good run.

War is over.

Half

Half of what I say is meaningless
But I say it just to reach you
Julia, Julia, Julia
Ocean child
Calls me
So I sing a song of love
Julia, Julia
Seashell eyes
Windy smile
So I sing a song of love
Julia
Her hair of floating sky is shimmering
Glimmering
In the sun
Julia, Julia
Morning moon
Touch me
So I sing a song of love
Julia
When I cannot sing my heart
I can only speak my mind
Julia, Julia
Sleeping sand
Silent cloud
Touch me
So I sing a song of love
Julia
Calls me
So I sing a song of love
For Julia
Julia, Julia
~John Lennon, Julia

It's just not right.

Stranger and fiction.

That's one low-key elf.