The Dork Knight

Those who participated in the latest leg of the Dark Knight viral marketing trivia contest thing got more than just the opportunity to see a movie trailer a week early: one lucky audience member in each city got a 35mm print of the trailer to take home! But, wouldn't you know it, the Joker has defaced the prints, scrawling clown makeup on the stars, adding a lightsaber, and retitling the film "The Dork Knight." For being an insane criminal mastermind, the Joker has a very tame sense of humor. Couldn't he have at least taken it to subway graffiti/Perez Hilton level and drawn a penis near Christian Bale's mouth? Enjoy the post-modern revelation that Joker is aware of his own summer blockbuster:

Culture Schlock

George Lucas may have made a few trillion dollars on the Star Wars franchise, but that doesn't mean he didn't have to sell a few satellite dishes along the way.

Using a very loose definition of "cool", starwars.com has collected "10 cool Star Wars posters from Japan," including the above ad for the Panacolor X--a system that apparently involves both a satellite dish on a tetherball pole and a 29" television.

Besides being massively entertaining in their strangeness, the collection provides a helpful lesson in the Japanese way of thinking. In the U.S., we'd probably just do something like mount the dish on the side of Millennium Falcon, replacing the dish that's already there; you know, something that makes some degree of sense. There, the most obvious selling strategy is the unsettling image of George Lucas riding a satellite dish like a broomstick, sandwiched between Chewbacca and an Ewok, which is insane, even by American geek standards.

That Luggage Won't Shout At Itself!

Far be it from me to promote -or even watch- Deal or No Deal... but I'm just a man for Hutt's sake!



Tonight. Two hours. Eight o'clock.

Everyone Watches!

Sometimes when you're watching a movie, you can't help but notice a fake ad for a fake product airing in the background and think, man, why didn't I get to make that commercial? Zack Snyder has heard your pleas!

The director is asking for submissions to his YouTube-affiliated "Veidt Enterprises Advertising Contest", in which you create a commercial to be featured (in the background) of Watchmen. Submissions must be 15, 30, or 60-seconds in length, advertise a Veidt product, fit the tone of Watchmen and 1985, and be "cool" and/or "awesome".

Wanna' see a couple samples?





Full contest details here.

All In Gest

John Cusack is Igor? I don't think so. Look at that awkward grin, those sunken, soulless eyes, the perfectly smooth features, the unfortunate status of being relevant only through someone else's accomplishments. Clearly David Gest is Igor.

Just 'cause

Tanya Devereaux is some girl who claims she'll do every virgin who takes an oath of internet neutrality.

"I will make love with every virgin who defends the Internet. Certain ISP's are planning to limit internet access in a way that infringes upon internet freedom or 'net neutrality'. Description of Services: The services consist of Tania performing sexual intercourse with the applicant, the form and style of the performance will be discussed prior to the act, Tania tries to allow as much freedom as possible in this area but she does reserve the right to decline suggestions. Tania covers all her personal expenses, including travel. Any sort of recording (video, audio or photographs) of the performance is allowed for non-commercial use. Tania adheres to high standards of service but due to time limitations each performance can last no longer than 30 minutes, no exceptions will be made under any circumstance."

Wow. Then she goes on about some rules of conduct (see below), of which one particularly caught my eye: "If anywhere along the process, it becomes clear that the applicant is not a virgin, Tania reserves the right to terminate all activity." See for yourself:

Terms of Service

1. Acceptance of TermsTania Derveaux provides performance of sexual intercourse (Services) to those who request them, subject to the following Terms of Service ("TOS"). Your use of the Services in whole or in part constitutes your binding acceptance of these TOS. If you do not agree to these TOS, you should not use the Services. Some Services may be subject to additional posted rules, policies and terms. When you use those Services, you and Tania shall be subject to those additional conditions, which are incorporated by reference into these TOS (and, consequently, form part of your agreement with her).
2. Description of ServicesThe services consist of Tania performing sexual intercourse with the applicant, the form and style of the performance will be discussed prior to the act, Tania tries to allow as much freedom as possible in this area but she does reserve the right to decline suggestions. Tania covers all her personal expenses, including travel. Any sort of recording (video, audio or photographs) of the performance is allowed for non-commercial use. Tania adheres to high standards of service but due to time limitations each performance can last no longer than 30 minutes, no exceptions will be made under any circumstance.3. General Requirements and Rules of ConductServices will only be provided to those who meet the following requirements:
* applicants must be 18yrs old or above* condom must be used, except if the applicant prefers to release his semen upon Tania's body without any oral or vaginal contact* Anal sex is negotiable, although Tania will cease the performance immediately if any form of 'surprise buttsex' occurs* multiple participants are not allowed, but applicants are entitled to have an audience observe the performance* if anywhere along the process, it becomes clear that the applicant is not a virgin, Tania reserves the right to terminate all activity* applicant must be able to provide sufficient evidence that clearly shows he has been defending net neutrality (eg. a print-out of a forum post, a link to a vlog)* applicant agrees that in the event of the applicant infringing upon Terms of Service during the process of the act, Tania is not responsible for any genital injury that the applicant may suffer* Tania may deny service for hygiene reasons.

Put A Smile On Your Face

Thai Duh Not

Congratulations you crazy kids! Go breed!

Quad Shift

The long-awaited third sequel to the beloved classic The Fast & the Furious finally has a title!

See if you can guess which it is:

Fast 4 Furious

The 4ast and the 4urious

2 Fast 2 Furious²

The Fast and the Furious Xtreme 480

The Fast and the Furious: 4 on da 4loor

The Fastest and Furiousest

The Fast and the Furious: 4tean Drift (ghost cars are somehow involved)

2 Fast + 2 Furious = 4Ever

The Fast and the Furious 4: Now with Vin Diesel Again!

Fast and Furious

And the answer is...

That's right, they dropped the definite articles, motherfuckahs! Just Fast and Furious now, like us!

In some ways, I feel this is stupider than anything I came up with.

Mulder, It's Me

Outside of "the truth is out there" and "hey, nerd!", few words are as ingrained in the minds of X-Files superfans as "I want to believe." The saying was clearly written on a poster in Mulder's office, and the sentiment was a running theme throughout the series. So I guess it only makes sense that creator Chris Carter has chosen X-Files: I Want to Believe as the full, lengthy title of his new movie. As he explained:

"It's a natural title. It's a story that involves the difficulties in
mediating faith and science. 'I Want to Believe.' It really does suggest
Mulder's struggle with his faith."

At first I wasn't that keen to it, but I found that it if you forcibly hold someone's hand and keep saying it to them, slowly and sincerely, never breaking eye contact, you'll start to warm up to it. Try it on the bus!

You Gotta' Be Kidman Me!

Nicole Kidman's two children that she adopted with Tom Cruise, Isabella and Connor, are apparently ass-deep in Scientology. Nicole, who's Catholic, has had enough and wants her kids pulled out of the church that L. Ron built. And by "built" I mean made up. Page Six reports:

"At the New York premiere of Ian Halperin's film, "His Highness Hollywood,"
a Scientology insider told Halperin that Kidman "wants her kids out of the
church." Halperin beat up on the faith in his book, "Hollywood Undercover," and
said he wasn't surprised when, during the premiere, "the projector had been
sabotaged."

Nicole Kidman would rather have the kids follow a more realistic religion like Catholicism. You know, the one where a dude in a pointy hat tells people want to do from a balcony in Italy. But at least with Catholicism they don't brainwash you to give up ridiculous amounts of cash. They just guilt you into it. Huge difference.*

*Want to know what's in my coffee this morning? Controversy!

Teach The Children Well

Anyway, Dr. Michael Salzhauer, a certified plastic surgeon, has written a children's book called My Beautiful Mommy that explains to kids about their mommy's new body parts. Ha ha, adorable! Newsweek reports:

"Salzhauer got the idea for a book after noticing that women were coming
into his office with their kids in tow. He says that mysterious doctor's visits
can be frightening for children. "Parents generally tend to go into this denial
thing. They just try to ignore the kids' questions completely." But, he adds,
children "fill in the blanks in their imagination" and then feel worse when they
see "mommy with bandages," he says. "With the tummy tucks, [the mothers] can't
lift anything. They're in bed. The kids have questions."

Amazing. My Beautiful Mommy will be a perfect companion piece to the children's book I'm working on called My Drunk as Shit Daddy. Here's an exclusive excerpt:

[Page 1]
My daddy sometimes comes home smelling like that time our cat Whiskers died behind the washing machine. I asked him why he smells so bad and he smiled then said "Your mommy doesn't understand me, or get me Hot Pockets. So daddy gets his happy juice from a bottle."

[Page 2]
Whenever I start to cry my daddy always know how to make me stop. He says "Hey, shut up when daddy's trying to nap on the kitchen floor or I'll sell your toys so I can buy a new spoiler for my Vette. I don't care if it's wrapped around the neighbor's tree again. That bitch is cherry. Gimme an animal cookie."

[Page 3]
Daddy and I play all kinds of fun games like "Here hide this gun in your toybox while daddy goes to Mexico." It was my favorite until the police showed up and made me live in a foster home until I was 18. I listen to emo music now and cut myself.

Go ahead. You can say it. I'm practically Dr. Seuss over here. I just care about the kids, you know? The precious, precious kids.

NOTE: Excerpts of "My Beautiful Mommy" on Newsweek that you've got to see to believe. Then realize this quack is hocking the book at a whopping twenty smackers.

"Your Golden Sun Will Shine For Me"

"What Sphinx Of Cement And Aluminum..."

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

"You're Gonna' Meet Some Gentle People There"

"You Let No Stranger Wait Outside Your Door"

"Open Your Golden Gate"

We've just... we've been gone too long.

And Thanks For All The Fish

In my line of work? This is what we call "a lie."

So much for "down in the valley."

Bad Boys

Okay, I've posted this before... but it's not like it stopped being funny since. I'm busy.

Whatever A Spider Can, I Can Do Better

In a divergence from their more-standard "If _____ wrote _____" pieces examining the wackiness of if someone wrote something they didn't, McSweeney's has posted "If Michael Chabon wrote the Spider-Man 2 Script", which is a divergence because he actually did write a complete draft (and received a shared story credit). So download the screenplay, and decide for yourself whether it was a good idea to pass on the majority of a Pulitzer Prize-winner's draft in favor of a 73-year-old guy's revision.

"Damn You! I'm Not An Actor, I'm A Movie Star!"

What's The Slowest Mammal?

Paris Hilton recently visited South Africa with her boyfriend Benji Madden and was obsessed with the prices of things. She even set her eyes on a certain jungle cat that she wanted to take home. NY Daily News reports:

"A hotel spy tells us: "Every time Paris saw something she liked, like a
woman's dress, she would ask how much it was. That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park. She asked how much it was and said, 'If I bought a cheetah,
would it run away from me or could I keep it?' "

Okay, usually when Paris Hilton does something my knee-jerk reaction is "Wow, what a fucking idiot." This time, however, I couldn't be more on board. Paris, get the cheetah. Seriously, anyone who tells you it will kill you is just mean, stupid and trying to steal your man. You should definitely bring one home and let it run around your house. And you know what else would be super hot? Tying a steak around your neck. That Lindsay Lohan would be so jealous she'd pee herself. No fooling.

You Damn Dirty Apes!

A further call to action, or despair? Me? I think it's been a pretty good run, but honestly, the human race isn't doing much anymore but proving it's time to give something else a shot. Don't worry, the planet will be fine... it'll just be the lower primates' turn. Or maybe the cockroaches.

You Really Need A Scorecard, Dontcha'?

All I Need Is A Turtleneck And Some Tights

Jedi? Hair lip!

If you're excited about the new Star Wars: The Clone Wars animated series, enjoy this first look at Obi-Wan. If you're not, just enjoy the mad look in his eyes.

Expect The Clone Wars in theaters August 15, followed by a series on Cartoon Network and TNT, followed by complaining.

There's Gotta' Be Some Way Outta' Here

I could type a bunch of clever shit, but here's the deal: Battlestar Galactica is quite possibly the best thing that's ever been on TV. I type that thinking of Bob Newhart and Jim Rockford and, yes, of Jim Kirk's Star Trek.

Seriously, if you haven't been watching, rent or stream the last three seasons now, 'cause the final fourth season starts tonight... or, starts this morning at 9:00am. Seems SciFi will be streaming the season premier here first thing in the morning... come on, Kara.

And They Have A Plan

Hey kids! This is a picture of a scary webpage you can visit where that creepy woman there follows your cursor around and freaks you out.

It works, I am well and truly freaked. I actually got so scared that I tried moving the cursor around erratically in an attempt to break her neck. But alas, cyborgs are trickier to kill than I had initially anticipated. Give it a go yourself, but be warned: you will cry, mess your pants, and put your fist through the monitor. That, or fall in love. With a robot face on a website. In which case you need to get out more.

Hold Me Closer, Greedy Dancer

So we all know that Kevin Federline is still in love with Britney. Well, it turns out the two saw each other over Easter and are in talks for a getaway to rekindle their romance. Now would be a good time to buy Cheetos stock. Star reports:

"And that March 23 rendezvous went so well, insiders explain, that Brit and Kevin have agreed to take a trip far from the glare of Hollywood to work on their relationship.

"Kevin wants to take Britney away to see if there is anything to salvage between them," a family friend tells Star. "When he suggested it to her, she told him she was ready to go anytime he was."

May I recommend a location for the lovebirds? It's a quiet little place. Don't know if you've heard of it. It's called THE CENTER OF THE MOTHER*%#KING SUN! I'll provide the rocket. One of you get NASA on the line.

That'll Sound Great In The Volvo, Son!

New REM album this month. It's been 25 years, and by all rights I should have given up on these guys when Bill Berry left the band... but you know what? I made it through Around the Sun, so why quit now? Besides, Accelerate sounds promising. Check out the first video:



And now, remember happier days!