The Wrong Show

Golly, it wouldn't be summer without another lame Big Brother twist, right?

It seems that this season in the Big Brother house, there'll be two "Heads of Household" each week, and they must agree on the weekly two nominations for eviction... or face eviction themselves! Shocking!

Y'understand that if you combined the IQs of any two of the BB houseguests it'd add up to less than my belt size, and still I expect they could manage to figure out that agreeing to approve of the other's nominee for eviction beats the living shit out of being nominated themselves, so yeah... not so much of a twist there while life grinds inexorably on in the Big Brother household.

You wanna' twist? Here are some ideas:

1. Electrify the floor.

2. The co-HOHs have to nominate two houseguests for eviction? Fine. Historically, the houseguests gather 'round the dining room table and draw keys from a revolving platform, hoping to see their name on any of the withdrawn keys. Those left at the table keyless? They're up for eviction, based on the capricious whims of their fellow houseguests. I would suggest in the new, "two key" scenario that in fact it's one houseguest who's facing eviction on a straight, public "up or down" vote... while the other faces annihilation. The eviction-nominated houseguest's key wouldn't be in the revolving platform as usual... but the other's? The other's would be in the platform, and when it was drawn out with a sigh of relief it'd close a subcutaneous circuit in the player's hand and activate the explosives in that houseguest's torso,* killing him/her instantly, loudly and messily.

3. Meanwhile, those post-exploded houseguest bits would play a part in the game as it unfolds! Normally, after the "Nomination Ceremony" the houseguests wander off muttering to themselves and each other about the injustice of the world, and how much they miss chocolate, right? They'd still do that... except for the houseguest who exploded. That person's remains would be strewn all over the Big Brother house, which would not only present a house cleaning issue ("Come on Kaysar! You know I sponged-up over half of the spleen! You get the pancreas!"), but a nourishment dilemma during "PB&J" weeks. See, we already know no one cleans the BB house, so the bits of ex-houseguest would surely dangle from the lamps and wall coverings for the duration of the summer... but what if those bits were offered as an alternative to PB&J to those houseguests who'd lose the food challenge each week? Where do you suppose they'd draw the line? At feasting on human flesh... or at feasting on the human flesh of people whom they despised? "Ewww, I dunno... Chicken George was a creep, wasn't he? And he never bathed." Or would it be easier for them to munch on the remains of houseguests they actually liked? I can picture them standing in an emaciated little lump, staring up at someone's liver as it dangles precariously from the ceiling fan, and saying "Gee, I'm sure Danielle would want us to stay strong for the HOH competitions... she'd want us to eat her liver, right?"

4. The producers should place random pressure mines under the floor of the Big Brother house. When a houseguest steps on one, and hears the "clack!" as it's activated, Big Brother would explain to them that they'd just activated a house mine, and that stepping off would end their game, their life, and really fuck up that section of the house for everyone else. Viewers could then vote on deactivating the mine, or just sit back, watch the feeds and see how long the houseguest can stand motionless on a 1'x1' patch of carpet. If they voted to deactivate the mine, the houseguest could step off, and rejoin the game. If they didn't, the houseguest would have to stay out for the remainder of the game... or be blown into tiny, bite-sized bits. In fact, the producers could make it an even more interactive experience for fans who subscribe to the online feeds! Viewers at home could, via the internet, create such distractions as a swarm of scorpions, or dropping leeches from the ceiling above the trapped houseguest's head, and wager on the result! Would the houseguest step off the mine? Stand still and be stung to death by angry scorpions? Kneel in a puddle of tears and urine only to be bled dry by the starving leeches? You can't win if you don't play!

5. Introduce a slow-to-metabolize toxin into the food supply. The houseguests battle every week for food, right? And those who lose are forced to eat PB&J? Now they'd be fighting for even more than the privilege to not eat PB&J all week... they'd be fighting for survival. Once cut off from the slow and steady stream of the toxin their bodies would start to fail, leading to severe flatulence and eventual organ collapse. Three consecutive weeks of PB&J would equal certain doom... but not before summertime sweeps.

Those are twists. Chew on those for a spell... I'm sure as the summer wears on, and I'm stuck staring at Jase's ugly, arrogant mug week after week I'll come up with more ways to liven things up in the ol' Big Brother house... but first....


*You want to be on Big Brother? You submit to a thorough exam which includes the insertion of mostly illegal explosives into barely accessible nether regions. That's the price of fame, my friends.