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Could Drive A Kid To Drink... And Would

This hadly seems like news, but what the hell.

Commissioner Scott Gordon ordered recently that Britney Spears is no longer allowed to drive with her children in the car. Britney had run a red-light last week with her children and court appointed monitor in the car which prompted Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan to call for an emergency hearing. They wanted to revoke Britney’s driving privileges and succeeded, according to E! News:

"Orders were made," Kaplan said upon leaving the courtroom. "I can't discuss
the content of those orders. Documents have not been released by the court, and
I don't know if they will be. The matter will be continued at a future
date."

For those of you reading at home, that’s lawyer talk for “Hell yeah, we kicked some ass.” Though I don’t really think Kevin’s lawyers are in a position to brag. I mean, their job is way too easy. I’m sure they can get the judge to agree with them on anything. They could petition the judge to make Britney Spears grow a mustache and box a kangaroo and he’d probably go for it.

Fantasy Recap, Week 10: Lay Your Hands On Me

I'm in five leagues this year. Two of those I run, and in those two? I can't even tell you how many people are looking to me for answers. Questions about line-ups, or rankings or stat corrections, and not a one of those asking seems to consider the possibility that it's really not in my best interest to help them, since we are in competition.... Yet, help them I do, and I have to think that this is just how jesus felt. Only I have more comfortable shoes.


So, in the spirit of our li'l allegory, I'll keep this brief.

In my NFL.COM league? Won!

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 86-56

East
Catchers in the Rye 6-4-0
LacesOu 5-5-0
Eau Claire Vandals 4-6-0
Textboo 4-6-0

Central
Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 6-4-0
Death by Haiku 2 5-5-0
Goregor 3-7-0
RumseyB 2-8-0

West
DredPir 8-2-0
HolyHan 8-2-0
Mothers 6-4-0
Underdo 3-7-0

Some other NFL.COM league? Won!

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 110-92

Central
Clemson 6-3-1
LofasLa 6-4-0
UsualSu 5-5-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 3-6-1

East
BBbadbo 7-3-0
FBomber 6-4-0
Knights 6-4-0
royals1 5-5-0

West
TeamAlp 5-5-0
Lynchbe 4-6-0
YounGGu 3-7-0
FifeFan 3-7-0

That league I used to be undefeated in? Lost!

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 67-81

Central
Powerful Mach 5! 8-2-0
Provide 6-4-0
JediMas 5-5-0
Bigbron 2-8-0

East
NEPats 7-3-0
baldeag 5-5-0
Skeleto 2-8-0
ItaliHe 2-8-0

West
Provide 8-2-0
xchucki 8-2-0
KNIGHTS 5-5-0
Breakin 2-8-0

My Yahoo! league? Won!

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 229.62-296.12

*1. Purple Flat. Blasts 8-2-0
*2. Night Train 8-2-0
3. De chier des bulles 7-3-0
4. Blue Blazer Regulars 7-3-0
5. MightyPurpleHelmets 5-5-0
6. Extreme Hummingbird 4-6-0
7. Snooze Alarm 4-6-0
8. LiL Man 3-7-0
9. Purple People Eaters 3-7-0
10. Intercepticons 1-9-0

* = Clinched Playoff Spot

The office Yahoo! league? Won!

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 268-205

*1. Death by Haiku 8-2-0
*2. Flatulence Blasts! 8-2-0
3. The Pastry Ducks 7-3-0
4. BALCO 7-3-0
5. The Flying Frenchman 7-3-0
6. San Diego Zoo 5-5-0 .
7. LightsOut 5-5-0
8. Bliss's Blitzers 4-6-0
9. Livefree; Rhymehard 3-7-0
10. Alabama Hot Pockets 3-7-0
11. Baby Bashers 3-7-0
12. ativan stat 0-10-0

* = Clinched Playoff Spot

So there you go. Won 4 of 5... and it doesn't look like it'll take a miracle to make the playoffs in at least two leagues. Blessed be.

Knife Blocked

Tellyouwhat, the Throwzini Knife Block isn't your ordinary knife receptacle. Okay it is, but at least it looks good. Iresembles the "Rotating Wheel of Puncture Wounds" I saw at a circus once as a kid. It was awesome, the dude caught a knife right in the leg. Blood was spurting like a ruptured fire hydrant. Urban Trend will be selling these soon, for an undisclosed price. I managed to get my hands on one early, and I've got to say I'm a little disappointed. I thought you were actually supposed to throw the knives into the slots, and that magnets or something would guide them into their holes. I ended up losing the two smallest toes on my right foot, my left thumb, and a cat before I figured out that's not how it works.

Jingle Belle

So, as I'm sure you all know, Jessica Simpson co-hosted The View yesterday. To no one's real surprise, she didn’t really talk much when it came to current events. She plugged her new fashion line then resorted to her trademark blank stare for the rest of the show, according to Page Six:

"She was never intended to be on the show as a moderator," noted an insider
who alerted Page Six to the episode. "It was all a big plug for her label -
Jessica barely even talked to the guests."

I think Jessica Simpson should’ve been allowed to talk to the guests. You know, just so we could watch her head explode when one of them tried to explain what a newspaper is. “So, what do you mean?” she’d ask. “You... what’s the word... read? You ‘read’ the words and it put ‘facts’ in your head about what’s happening in, what was it... the 'world'? I don’t feel so good.” KERPLOW!

Pop Star

Someone should write a book about "things that seemed like a good idea at the time". Incandescent light bulbs... Three's A Crowd... Goldwater Conservatism....

The Electronic Bubble Wrap Keychain from Thinkgeek ($10) is exactly what it sounds like. It's a little keychain with 8 buttons, and every time you push one it makes a popping noise like bubble wrap. Except it doesn't sound the same. Well at least not in the video. And you don't get the satisfaction of destroying something. For every 100 pops it rewards you with a round of applause or some other noise. This thing reminds me of the Snap Your Fingers keychain I tried to market a year ago. You pushed a button and it sounded like you were snapping your fingers. Seemed like a good idea for a minute, but once I sobered up and got released from the drunk tank I realized it was stupid.

Balls On My Fingers & Time On My Hands

{insert ring pun here}

Okay ladies (and men who like wearing jewelry), here comes a novel ring concept by Charles Windlin! It's a ring watch that uses 1,400 metal balls to tell the time. Each ball has a decorative and magnetic side, and is electrically activated to show the appropriate side to either tell the time or display a message. Charles claims that the ring uses far less energy than an LCD display. You know what else uses far less energy than an LCD display? A sundial. Except when you have to use a flashlight to read it at night. Then you're using batteries.

Allez Cuisine!

There's a new Iron Chef in town.

Me? I miss the old days....

High Concept

I don't know what's more annoying about this "concept art" for the upcoming Astro Boy: the fact that they're deciding to make concept art at all (are the 50 years worth of manga not enough?), or that they're making such pathetic little changes. More metal stuff on the arm gun? Brilliant. If anything, make him less naked, or at least do something that would distinguish him from a cyborg Big Boy.

Smart Mouse. Dumb Terminal.

The Brain Gold Mouse is a mouse that loosely resembles a golden brain. Or exactly resembles a golden brain, if brains were actually golden. It's made by Pat Says Now, features 800 DPI, and costs a staggering $43. Why this product exists is a mystery to me. It seems stupid, yet I have to assume it's for people who want other people to know just how smart they are. I heart an ironic brain mouse!

Fox On The Run

Britney Spears ran a red light at a dangerous intersection while trying to use her cell phone recently. Not only were her kids in the car, but so was the court-appointed monitor. She’s already in love with Britney to begin with, so I’m sure a near-death experience just strengthened the bond. The whole thing was captured on tape and will probably spell trouble for Britney considering the judge doesn't approve of her driving. TMZ reports:

"The Popwreck approached the light slowly on Coldwater Canyon. You then see
Britney raise her cellphone to her face. It is unclear if she's texting or
making a call. She then drives into the intersection as someone outside the car
screams, "Red light, red light!" Britney then turns left onto Mulholland Drive,
managing to miss oncoming traffic."

I find it amazing enough that Britney Spears has the mental capacity to operate a motor vehicle, but now you want her to recognize signs and primary colors? Clearly you don’t understand what it’s like to be Britney. You’re not a pop star with a No. 1 album to promote…. Ha ha ha! Wow. Her lawyer is good. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face.

Oh look! Here's the video!

Splashnews-BritneySpearsRunsRedLightWithKidsInCar744
Uploaded by downcrush

Fantasy Recap, Week 9: Don't Stop Believing

Nine weeks down. The clock is tickin'.

So, the big news? I lost my first game in that NFL.COM league. Dammit.

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 94-104

Central
Powerful Mach 5! 8-1-0
Provide 6-3-0
JediMas 4-5-0
Bigbron 2-7-0

East
NEPats 7-2-0
baldeag 4-5-0
Skeleto 2-7-0
ItaliHe 1-8-0

West
Provide 7-2-0
Xchucki 7-2-0
KNIGHTS 4-5-0
Breakin 2-7-0

The good news is the guy in second in my division lost as well, so I'm holding my own.

Over in that "How much more can this suck?" league? I lost. Who's surprised?

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 86-129

Central
LofasLa 6-3-0
Clemson 5-3-1
UsualSu 4-5-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 2-6-1

East
FBomber 6-3-0
BBbadbo 6-3-0
Knights 6-3-0
royals1 4-5-0

West
Lynchbe 4-5-0
TeamAlp 4-5-0
YounGGu 3-6-0
FifeFan 3-6-0

I have a feeling I'm not making the playoffs in this league.

In my NFL.COM league? I Lost.

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 80-110

East
LacesOu 5-4-0
Catchers in the Rye 5-4-0
Eau Claire Vandals 4-5-0
Textboo 4-5-0

Central
Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 5-4-0
Death by Haiku 2 4-5-0
RumseyB 2-7-0
Goregor 2-7-0

West
DredPir 8-1-0
HolyHan 8-1-0
Mothers 5-4-0
Underdo 2-7-0

Mario lost as well, so again, I'm holding my own. Now if Mario would have the decency to lose a few games, I could take the division over and make the playoffs!

In the office Yahoo! league? I lost. Again. Dammit.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 225.52-242.11

1. Death by Haiku 7-2-0
2. BALCO 7-2-0
3. Flatulence Blasts! 7-2-0
4. The Pastry Ducks 6-3-0
5. The Flying Frenchman 6-3-0
6. LightsOut 5-4-0
7. San Diego Zoo 4-5-0
8. Bliss's Blitzers 4-5-0
9. Alabama Hot Pockets 3-6-0
10. Baby Bashers 3-6-0
11. Livefree; Rhymehard 2-7-0
12. ativan stat 0-9-0

If I could string together a few wins, I could actually make the playoffs (the top 8 teams make the playoffs). The tricky part? Stringing together the wins.

Finally, in my Yahoo! league... I won!

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 308-254

1. Purple Flat. Blasts 7-2-0
2. Night Train 7-2-0
3. De chier des bulles 6-3-0
4. Blue Blazer Regulars 6-3-0
5. MightyPurpleHelmets 5-4-0
6. Snooze Alarm 4-5-0
7. Extreme Hummingbird 4-5-0
8. Purple People Eaters 3-6-0
9. LiL Man 2-7-0
10. Intercepticons 1-8-0

I actually beat the #2 team (the mysterious "Night Train"). Nancy, meanwhile, who barely looks at her roster, also won, and remains above me in the standings. If the playoffs were today, we'd play each other in the first round.

It's hard to believe that the playoffs are right around the corner. Of course, it's not all about the championship. Oh, no. It's not the destination, but the journey.

These Aren't The Nerds You're Looking For

The NY Jedi Academy is kind of what it sounds like -- it's a school in New York that teaches nerds how to swing fake light sabers around like idiots. The founder talks about "hero-building", which was weird because I didn't see a single person in the video capable of lifting a truck off an elderly lady. Regardless, how can you call yourself a Jedi school with no classes in mind tricks? Or maybe when it comes to the NY Jedi Academy, the one mind trick is enough.

That's What Science Is All About, Charlie Brown!

Introducing the Gamerator! It's an arcade game cabinet with a chilled kegerator in the rear that holds a 1/4 keg. It comes preloaded with 187 classic games, and even has built in cupholders. They're on sale via ebay, and the bidding starts at $2,000. My only complaint with the unit is the capacity of the silver overflow collector. You know, because I'm going to be peeing in it a lot.

Patton Down The Hatch

AvPeeeeeyooooooooo

The problem with this Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem banner -aside from the concept it's promoting- is that this is like the lamest pose a Predator can make. If you could be there, at the Predator Bar Mitzvah (or wherever they get their learning claws), this is definitely what every 13-year-old Predator is doing.

"Did you see my claws, dude? Get a shot of me showing my claws. Wait, is the red light on? I want the red light on, too."

And this is clearly every Predator's senior picture. It's their equivalent to our holding the lame instrument you play in band.

Miss A(n) Lycanthrope