God I Wish I Was Kidding

There's certainly no shortage of work to do these days, and Regis knows I don't have any time to gag lollies... yet at the strangest times throughout the afternoon I found my thoughts returning to this question: "Are there any female breakfast cereal mascots?"

Seriously. Here are all of the mascots I could think of today:


He's the sensitive, bumbling Phil Donahue of cereal mascots.


The chef(s) get points for the aprons, but it's still a male-dominated industry... and cereal box.


It doesn't really get any manlier than Tony the Tiger, does it?


What the Trix rabbit lacks in testosterone, he more than makes up for with guile.


We'll be revisiting the idea of forcing gender roles on the undead. Still, you can't argue the fact that the Yummy Mummy is a dude.


Only a wolfen bachelor would buy himself a rainbow-colored vest.


Alien, sure... but all man, my friends.


He's got that weird androgynous quality, and he may not be as masculine as Patti Smith, but he's 100% XY.


Clowns are men too. Even the crying ones.


Toucan or phallic symbol? You make the call!


Pink? Yup. Dead? You bet. Dude? Oh yeah.


Treasure-grubbing, self-loving... sounds like a man to me.


He's not the "Countess Chocula" now, is he?


Dude. And he abides.

I almost gave this one a pass since it's named after a girl ("Pebbles," I mean. Not one of the never-ending progression of exotic dancers or porn stars named "Coco"). Sadly, the name doesn't give the misogynists on the box any excuse. Tough break, Fred. Screw you, Barney.


Yeah, it's the Captain's mess, but I have a feeling he won't be cleaning it up. Welcome to 1956, Cap'n!


Who gave Tucker Carlson a breakfast cereal, anyway?


Really? (Clearly male) frogs and breakfast? The ad men at Kellogg's were high all of the time.


Elves? Pixies? Fairies? Dunno... but I count three Adam's Apples.

So there you go. I can't think of a single female breakfast cereal mascot, and believe me, I've tried. This, by the way, is the reason Nancy always walks away softly sobbing into her hands after she asks me the question "What're you thinking?"