Scrooged McDucked

Not sure what holiday favorites to watch this weekend? Here, let me help.

A Charlie Brown Christmas - It goes without saying. But I thought I'd say it anyway. Come on, you thought that tree sucked too. Now you know better.

Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! - As if the exclamation point in the title isn't urging enough, it's directed by cult icon Monte Hellman and features a guy with a clear plastic brain case. If exposed innards don't say Christmas, I don't know what does. And between you and me? When they do say "Christmas"? It's really unsettling... and not just because there are no vocal chords or lips to speak of.

Scrooged - It probably won't be as good as you remember it being, but I still think of it as the definitive retelling of A Christmas Carol. If a reformed Bill Murray begging you, the audience, to sing Put a Little Love in Your Heart doesn't give you some holiday spirit, you are an asshole.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians - Despite the title giving away the ending, it's still worth watching for sheer awfulness. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 version might be preferable if you have a low tolerance for crap.

The Office Christmas Special (UK) - Barely touches on Christmas as a holiday, but it's all the better for it. Few things provide as much hope as the knowledge that Tim and Dawn finally get together.

Santa Claws - A softcore-holiday-horror-porn film about a guy dressed as Santa stalking a softcore-horror-porn actress. He kills people with one of those little garden claws you use to airate dirt! Festive and practical!

A Christmas Story - Assuming TBS is still running this for 24-hours straight, you won't be able to avoid it anyway. Remind yourself that as long as toy guns, frozen poles, yellow snow and bullies with jaundiced eyes exist, Christmas will never be free of danger. Thank you, jesus.