Fare Thee Well

Fantasy Recap, Week 16: Not Fade Away

First of all, let's not bury the headline:
NANCY WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP!

That's right! In my NFL.COM league? Nancy won! She vanquished the (hitherto) unbeatable foe! She's Don Quixote... without the funny bowl for a hat... or the senility!

I only had one game this week. A consolation game in the office Yahoo! league. The winner would move on to the game for 5th place. The loser would, well, not move on at all. I won!

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

Projected: Loss (consolation)

Actual: Win 235.06-176.04

I'd like to say I'm proud, but mostly I'm relieved.

One week of fantasy football left. Could you believe it?

Next week. I'll post the final standings, and the comparison of projected to actual wins/losses. Now you have something to live for. Thank me later.

Man alive... the season's almost over, and despite some, ummmmm, "shortcomings", I'm already looking forward to next season. That's right, Bobby... you know our fantasy football love will not fade away.

Pants Enough To Rule The World

Letterman And Writers Strike Deal, Giving CBS The Edge

By Paul Farhi

Washington Post Staff Writer

David Letterman will have some help being funny when his talk show returns to the air next week.

Letterman's production company yesterday became the first to cut a deal with the striking Writers Guild of America, enabling "Late Show With David Letterman" and "Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson" to resume production with their writing staffs.

Letterman's Worldwide Pants, which owns both shows, worked out the agreement just days before late-night talk shows will resume after an eight-week hiatus. The disruption was caused by the writers' strike that has stopped production of dramas, sitcoms and talk shows. Almost all of the talk shows have said they will return Wednesday, but without writers. "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" on Comedy Central will return the following Monday, Jan. 7.

The agreement gives huge leverage to Letterman and CBS, which will now have the only late-night shows with material written by professional writers. That will include topical monologues and other bits, such as Letterman's signature top 10 list. Other talk shows are still scrambling to patch together material without writers. Under union strike rules, the shows' staffs can't write anything that the writers would have written.

In addition, Letterman and Ferguson will be the only shows that can regularly attract big-name celebrities without fear of a picket line. Out of solidarity with striking writers, TV and movie actors have been reluctant to appear on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" and "Last Call With Carson Daly," the two talk shows that have gone back on the air. The writers' guild has objected to both. Neither Letterman nor Ferguson have announced guest lineups for their first shows next week.

By creating a separate agreement with Letterman, the writers' union hopes to put pressure on all of the networks to come to a comprehensive settlement. Without writers or famous guests, the other shows will probably lose viewers to Letterman.

"I am grateful to the WGA for granting us this agreement," Letterman said in a statement issued by his company. "We're happy to be going back to work, and particularly pleased to be doing it with our writers. This is not a solution to the strike, which unfortunately continues to disrupt the lives of thousands. But I hope it will be seen as a step in the right direction."

A deal between the union and Letterman, who is a 30-year member of the writers' union, was possible because his company owns the two talk shows. The other talk shows are owned by the networks and the studio conglomerates against which the writers are striking.

A key issue in the dispute is how writers should be compensated when the networks and movie studios distribute films and TV shows over new media, such as the Internet. The WGA called its deal with Worldwide Pants "a comprehensive agreement that addresses the issues important to writers, particularly new media. . . . Today's agreement dramatically illustrates that the Writers Guild wants to put people back to work, and that when a company comes to the table prepared to negotiate seriously, a fair and reasonable deal can be reached quickly."

While CBS continues to hold the digital rights to Letterman's shows, a union representative, Neal Sacharow, said Worldwide Pants will "take full responsibility" for paying writers when CBS makes money from the shows in new-media formats.

The union said that Worldwide Pants "had accepted the very same proposals that the Guild was prepared to present to the media conglomerates when they walked out of negotiations on Dec. 7," adding, "It's time for NBC Universal to step up to the plate and negotiate a company-wide deal that will put Jay Leno, who has supported our cause from the beginning, back on the air with his writers."

The Incredible, Credible Egghead

The first shot from The Incredible Hulk has been released, revealing that Edward Norton as Bruce Banner wears Dockers and his watch on the inside of his wrist. So cool. Summary:

"Edward Norton stars in this new beginning as Bruce Banner, a scientist desperately hunting for a cure to the gamma radiation that poisoned his cells and unleashes the unbridled force of rage within him - The Incredible Hulk."

You know, if he's really desperate to find a cure, you'd think he wouldn't go by "The Incredible Hulk." The whole "incredible" thing makes the search for a cure seem sort of disingenuous. It's like someone saying, "I have to find a cure before the full moon!"

"Really? Why?"

"I'll become This Really Awesome Werewolf."

"Are you sure you're trying to cure this?"

"Yeah, definitely. You think I like how incredibly awesome I become during a full moon?"

"Well, it just seems like you really build-up how great this werewolf side is, calling it awesome all the time."

"Let me make this perfectly clear: when the full moon's light transforms me, I am a monster! Just a really, really awesome monster."

Set Phasers On "Sweet!"

Blu-Ray Laser Phaser! - video powered by Metacafe

Kipkay posts some awesome DIY videos on Metacafe, and here's another. His voice really convinces me I can do whatever he's talking about, even if I know I'll end up cutting off a finger or doing some other kind of harm to myself. In this installment he installs a Blu-Ray laser into a Star Trek phaser. It cost less than $100 to build because he got the Blu-Ray laser somewhere for $30. You can't put a price on the resulting satisfaction, though.

Gift Of The Magi Indian Giver

Carolyn wanted so much to give Roger something nice for Christmas, but they didn't have much money, and they had to spend every last cent on candy for the baby. She walked down the icy streets and peered into shop windows.

"Roger is so proud of his shinbones. If only I could find some way to get money to buy shinbone polish." Just then, a sign caught her eye. "Cuticles bought and sold." Many people had told Carolyn of her beautiful cuticles, and Roger was especially proud of them, but she thought, "This is the way I could buy Roger the shinbone polish!" And she rushed into the store.

Later at home, she waited anxiously as Roger came up the steps of their flat. He opened the door and wobbled over to the fireplace, suspiciously holding one arm behind his back. "Merry Christmas!" they both said, almost simultaneously. Roger spoke. "Hey, Nutsy, I got you a little something for Christmas." "Me too," said Carolyn, and they exchanged packages.

Carolyn hurriedly opened her package staring in disbelief. "Cuticle Frames?! But Roger, I sold my cuticles so I could afford to buy you some shinbone polish!"

"Shinbone polish!" said Roger, "I sold my shinbones to buy you the cuticle frames!" Roger wobbled over to her.

"Well, I'll be hog-tied," said Carolyn.

"You will? Oh, boy!" said Roger. And it turned out to be a great Christmas after all.

~Steve Martin, from Cruel Shoes

Baby, Please Come Home

Tradition Is Important

Fantasy Recap, Week 15: Baby, It's Cold Outside

Week 15, and the playoffs are in full swing. I used to like swings. Ask my parents, and they'll tell you about how I used to lay across the wee canvas swing in our backyard, and swing for hours on end munching on raisins and humming to myself. Those were good times. Better times than losing every last @*^# game in the opening rounds of 4 different playoff series!

But I digress. Or segue. Funny how those can so often be the same.

I lost in the first round of the playoffs in my NFL.COM league to Nancy. Nancy, meanwhile, is currently locked in battle in the championship game! Howsabout that?

Catchers in the Rye

Projected: Loss

Actual: Loss 66-70

I also lost in the first round in the "Live by the Brady, die by the Brady" league.

The Powerful Mach 5!

Projected: Win

Actual: Loss 53-95

In my Yahoo! league? Lost. But won 5th place overall as a result.

Blue Blazer Regulars

Projected: Win (consolation)

Actual: Win 216-201.5 (won 5th place)

And finally, in the office Yahoo! league? Lost... but I fight on in the consolation rounds.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

Projected: Loss

Actual: Loss 235.09-301.36

The playoffs end the week after next. Could you believe it? Don't worry, I'll post the overall results and a comparison of "projected vs. actual" win/loss ratios then. In the meantime, keep your boots in the clouds, and your head in the sand... or something.

Scrooged McDucked

Not sure what holiday favorites to watch this weekend? Here, let me help.

A Charlie Brown Christmas - It goes without saying. But I thought I'd say it anyway. Come on, you thought that tree sucked too. Now you know better.

Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out! - As if the exclamation point in the title isn't urging enough, it's directed by cult icon Monte Hellman and features a guy with a clear plastic brain case. If exposed innards don't say Christmas, I don't know what does. And between you and me? When they do say "Christmas"? It's really unsettling... and not just because there are no vocal chords or lips to speak of.

Scrooged - It probably won't be as good as you remember it being, but I still think of it as the definitive retelling of A Christmas Carol. If a reformed Bill Murray begging you, the audience, to sing Put a Little Love in Your Heart doesn't give you some holiday spirit, you are an asshole.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians - Despite the title giving away the ending, it's still worth watching for sheer awfulness. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 version might be preferable if you have a low tolerance for crap.

The Office Christmas Special (UK) - Barely touches on Christmas as a holiday, but it's all the better for it. Few things provide as much hope as the knowledge that Tim and Dawn finally get together.

Santa Claws - A softcore-holiday-horror-porn film about a guy dressed as Santa stalking a softcore-horror-porn actress. He kills people with one of those little garden claws you use to airate dirt! Festive and practical!

A Christmas Story - Assuming TBS is still running this for 24-hours straight, you won't be able to avoid it anyway. Remind yourself that as long as toy guns, frozen poles, yellow snow and bullies with jaundiced eyes exist, Christmas will never be free of danger. Thank you, jesus.

Are You Ready For The Eel Thing?

An electric eel powering a Christmas tree is on display in a Japanese aquarium. The tank the eel is in houses two electric panels that act as electrodes, picking up the eel's discharge. The eel itself has the capability of producing a shock of up to 500 volts and 1 ampere of current (500 watts), although the guy in the video says 800. Inventor Kazuhiko Minawa -who is responsible for the electricity harvesting system- stated "If we could gather all electric eels from all around the world, we would be able to light up an unimaginably giant Christmas tree." Wow Kazuhiko, wow. That really sounds great... except for the one drawback: apparently electric eel power generation is only good for lighting Christmas trees.

A Magical Season Of Singing Wads Of Felt

Away In A Trailer

I'm not sure why I'm not surprised, but here's the scoop: Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant, according to OK! Magazine. The 16-year-old sister of Britney Spears and star of Nickelodeon's Zoey 101 confirmed she is having the child of her longtime boyfriend Casey Aldridge. Jamie told her mother just before Thanksgiving and Britney is just learning the news today from the tabloids. The Associated Press reports:

"Spears is 12 weeks along and initially kept the news to herself when she learned of the pregnancy from an at-home test and subsequent doctor visit, she told the celebrity magazine, which hits stands in New York on Wednesday and the rest of the country by Friday."

Nickelodeon released the following statement:

"We respect Jamie Lynn's decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn's well being."

Well, at least Jamie Lynn has some first-hand experience in how not to raise a child thanks to big sister Brit. That being said, the first paparazzi shot I see of Jamie at a Starbucks, I’m calling the A-Team.

You Keep On Rockin'

NEWS BREAK! Britney Spears could’ve performed on American Idol -or been a guest judge- had she pulled herself together. In a conference call recently with US Magazine, Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe explained the problem with Britney:

"Britney, at this moment in time, I don't think is well enough to do
anything," he continued. "I think she needs looking after. I think she needs to
pull herself together." Lythgoe added that Spears is an
"exceptionally talented girl" but "needs taking care of right now."

Okay, who’s the crazy one here? The gas station bandit or the producer who thinks she’s talented? I’m at a loss. I guess I’ll just toss a coin in the air then walk away because I really couldn't care less at this point. In fact, I’m going to read this recipe for Wienerschnitzel mustard dogs instead and probably be a better person for it. Wait, they're made with veal! I’ve been going about this all wrong.

Let's Put A Smile On That Face

Like the man said: "Why so serious?"

The Usual Suspect

Fantasy Recap, Week 14: Eye Of The Tiger

The playoffs have begun!

In the NFL.COM leagues? This was the last regular season game before the playoffs. I'd clinched playoff berths in 2/3 of these leagues, so there's no big news here. Sorry to disappoint.

I won in my league!

Catchers in the Rye

Projected: Loss

Actual: Win 106-102

East

Catchers in the Rye 9-5-0

Eau Claire Vandals 6-8-0

Textboo 6-8-0

LacesOu 5-9-0

Central

Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 9-4-1

Death by Haiku 2 6-8-0

RumseyB 5-9-0

Goregor 3-10-1

West

DredPir 11-3-0

Mothers 9-5-0

HolyHan 9-5-0

Underdo 5-9-0

I won in that "Worst of all leagues" league!

Sith Lords of the Gridiron

Projected: Loss

Actual: Win 114-68

Central

UsualSu 8-5-1

Clemson 7-5-2

LofasLa 7-6-1

Sith Lords of the Gridiron 5-8-1

East

BBbadbo 9-5-0

FBomber 8-6-0

Knights 8-6-0

royals1 6-8-0

West

TeamAlp 7-6-1

YounGGu 6-8-0

FifeFan 5-9-0

Lynchbe 5-9-0

Of course, I'm still dead-last in my division, so no playoffs here... and no surprise.

I won in that "Best league ever" league! And remained #1 overall!

The Powerful Mach 5!

Projected: Win

Actual: Win 133-117

Central

Powerful Mach 5! 12-2-0

Provide 6-8-0

JediMas 6-8-0

Bigbron 4-10-0

East

NEPats 10-4-0

baldeag 8-6-0

Skeleto 3-11-0

ItaliHe 2-12-0

West

xchucki 12-2-0

Provide 9-5-0

KNIGHTS 7-7-0

Breakin 5-9-0

In my Yahoo! league? The playoffs started this week. I didn't do so well. To wit: I lost to upstart Rick and his "Mighty Purple Helmets."

Blue Blazer Regulars

Projected: Loss (Playoffs Round 1)

Actual: Loss 225-357

*1. Blast Bye 11-2-0

*2. Night Train 10-3-0

*3. De chier des bulles 9-4-0

*4. MightyPurpleHelmets 8-5-0

*5. Blue Blazer Regulars 8-5-0

*6. Extreme Hummingbird 5-8-0

7. Snooze Alarm 5-8-0

8. LiL Man 4-9-0

9. Purple People Eaters 4-9-0

10. Intercepticons 1-12-0

Sucks for me, but I'm still excited for him. He's doing an amazing job in his first fantasy football season! The other good news is that at least I get to play for third place, so my season isn't over just yet.

I needed all of the stars to align in the office Yahoo! league in order to make the playoffs, and amazingly, they did! I won! And I made the playoffs!

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

Projected: Win

Actual: Win 266.58-257.42

*1. BALCO 11-3-0

*2. Death by Colon Blast 11-3-0

*3. Death by Haiku 10-4-0

*4. The Flying Frenchman 9-5-0

*5. The Pastry Ducks 8-6-0

*6. San Diego Zoo 8-6-0

*7. LightsOut 7-7-0

*8. Livefree; Rhymehard 6-8-0

9. Bliss's Blitzers 5-9-0

10. Baby Bashers 5-9-0

11. The Tony Danza's 4-10-0

12. ativan stat 0-14-0

Now I just have to focus... eye of the tiger, Rock... eye of the tiger....

Spirit Of The Season

This Holiday Brought To You By:

You'll Be Doin' Alright

Glass Louses

Well, I've seen fire and I've seen rain... but then? Then I saw the Wine Holder Necklace.

It costs $25 (and your dignity) for two and holds a regular sized stemmed glass with a stupid looking lanyard.

"Keep your hands free at parties by keeping your wine close at heart! This
clever little clip with adjustable strap holds a regular-size stemmed glass to
your chest, giving you the freedom to snack and socialize as you sip!

They failed to mention that it makes you look like a total fucking idiot. I will admit though: when I get drunk I do tend to forget where I left my drink. In fact, at a holiday party over the weekend I ended up accusing the host of hiding my stein from me, and punched him in the teeth. Turns out it was in my other hand the whole time! I'm silly!

Goin' To The Dogs

You all remember dog-killah Michael -"I was tired of being the quarterback of a professional football team anyway"- Vick, right? Well, he was sentenced today to 23 months in prison, according to TMZ. He pleaded guilty in August to participating in a dogfighting ring where several dogs were drowned or hung if they didn’t perform well (or were injured) in the fights. Well, it looks justice has been served because Michael Vick is the one in the doghouse now! Zing!

Fantasy Recap, Week 13: All Or Nuthin' At All

It's gettin' down to the wire, sports fans!

Next week begins the playoffs in my Yahoo! league. All of the other leagues have one more week of regular season to go. Out of 5 leagues? I could make the playoffs in four (with a little help from a lot of variables, including the weather in Seattle).

So, in my NFL.COM league? I won!

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 63-59

The last two weeks of the season are all inter-division. To wit: I'm playing teams in my division. Since I only have a 1-game lead, it's kinda' important to not lose. Not that not losing is ever not important... but now it's less not important than ever.

East
Catchers in the Rye 8-5-0
Textboo 6-7-0
Eau Claire Vandals 5-8-0
LacesOu 5-8-0

Central
Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 9-4-0
Death by Haiku 2 6-7-0
RumseyB 4-9-0
Goregor 3-10-0

West
DredPir 10-3-0
HolyHan 9-4-0
Mothers 8-5-0
Underdo 5-8-0

With a win or two, I should be able to make the playoffs. Rick's "Mothers of Re-invention" shares the same fate in the West division. Of course, he has some heavy hitters there to contend with. Me? I have two managers who haven't checked their lineups since... well, ever.

Oddly, I lost in that league I most always lose in.

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 98-112

Coulda' been wor-- no, actually, it couldn't have been.

Central
UsualSu 8-5-0
Clemson 7-4-2
LofasLa 7-6-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 4-8-1

East
BBbadbo 8-5-0
Knights 8-5-0
FBomber 7-6-0
royals1 6-7-0

West
TeamAlp 7-5-1
YounGGu 5-8-0
Lynchbe 5-8-0
FifeFan 4-9-0

I dunno... I think I may miss the playoffs here.

In my best league of the lot? I won!

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 91-66

I'm now, inexplicably, in 2nd place overall. Some other team has the same record, but is ahead of me by one point! One point! The nerve!

Central
Powerful Mach 5! 11-2-0
Provide 6-7-0
JediMas 6-7-0
Bigbron 3-10-0

East
NEPats 10-3-0
baldeag 7-6-0
Skeleto 2-11-0
ItaliHe 2-11-0

West
xchucki 11-2-0
Provide 9-4-0
KNIGHTS 7-6-0
Breakin 4-9-0

I don't actually have to keep winning, but it's a point of pride now. I wanna' win, and I want that point back. I have Tom Brady to thank for most of my good fortune in this league. The better news is that as long as the Patriots chase that undefeated season, Tom should play... and throw TDs. Hopefully that'll make for a productive fantasy post-season.

In my Yahoo! league? I won!

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 341-186

It was game that actually didn't matter, but the win still doesn't suck.

*1. Blast Bye 11-2-0
*2. Night Train 10-3-0
*3. De chier des bulles 9-4-0
*4. MightyPurpleHelmets 8-5-0
*5. Blue Blazer Regulars 8-5-0
*6. Extreme Hummingbird 5-8-0
7. Snooze Alarm 5-8-0
8. LiL Man 4-9-0
9. Purple People Eaters 4-9-0
10. Intercepticons 1-12-0


Next week is the first round of the playoffs here, and I'm facing Rick again. I'm not optimistic.

In the office Yahoo! league? I won! Phew!

This is a dicey a situation as you can face in fantasy football. I'm on the playoff bubble. I needed to win the two remaining games to squeak into the post-season. I was hoping for some help with a loss by another 4-7 team, but instead the bastards won their games as well, so we're all shooting for that #8 spot... sad as that sounds.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 289.75-233.84

*1. Death by Haiku 10-3-0
*2. BALCO 10-3-0
*3. Death by Colon Blast 10-3-0
*4. The Flying Frenchman 9-4-0
*5. San Diego Zoo 7-6-0
*6. The Pastry Ducks 7-6-0
7. LightsOut 6-7-0
8. Livefree; Rhymehard 5-8-0
9. Bliss's Blitzers 5-8-0
10. Baby Bashers 5-8-0
11. The Tony Danza's 4-9-0
12. ativan stat 0-13-0

So one more win, and I make the playoffs. Sure... no problem. No pressure... missing the playoffs just means no more fantasy football in that league... just means... nuthin' at all.

Winehouse Of Horrors

To Jethro Tull's undying chagrin, Amy Winehouse received six nominations for the 50th Annual Grammy Awards a couple days ago. She was second to Kanye West who received eight nominations. Reuters reports:

"Winehouse, 24, was nominated in all four of the top categories: record of the year, album of the year, song of the year (a songwriter's award), and best new artist."

It's too bad she has absolutely no idea what the hell a Grammy is, but it’ll be fun to see her perform. I wonder if they can get her to duet with Britney Spears? Could you imagine? Ten bucks says the Earth opens up in the orchestra pit, and Satan pops out to apologize. “Sorry,” he’ll say. “I went way overboard with these two. I was drinking, playing some online poker and not really paying attention. Can you believe the blonde one had kids? Wow, didn’t see that coming. It’s cool though. I’m going to take these two back to hell with me and, I dunno, toss them in a lake of fire or something. Toot-a-loo!" And that’s how the devil saved Christmas. The End.

"Looks Like Darth Vader's Bathroom"

In other "dream cars of my formative years" news, the janitors at Universal Studios recently leaked a photo of the new Knight Industries Three Thousand ("KITT", if you're nasty):

That's right, gearheads, it's a Ford Shelby GT500 Mustang! You can get back to changing the air freshener in your girlfriend's Caravan now.

PS: Oh, and don't act like you're surprised anyone is resurrecting the venerable Knight Rider franchise.

PPS: For those of you who need a reminder -and if you do, what are you doing reading this blog, anyway?- here's your ol' pal, the Knight Industries Two Thousand (Hasselhoff not included):

Go!

Robots From The Future

Hanukkiah Li Yesh

"Hanukkah is the Jewish Feast of Lights or Feast of Dedication.The Hebrew word Hanukkah means dedication. Hanukkah is also written Hannuka or Chanukah. The holiday begins on the eve of the 25th day of the Hebrew Month of Kislev and lasts eight days. Hanukkah usually falls in the month of December, but occasionally can start in November.

The books of the Maccabees tell the story of Hanukkah which occurred in 165 B.C. After three years of struggle, the Jews in Judea defeated the Syrian tyrant Antiochus. The Jewish people held festivities in the Temple of Jerusalem, and rededicated it to God. After removing all Syrian idols from the Temple, the Jews found only one small cruse of oil which to light their holy lamps. Miraculously, the cruse provided oil for eight days. Judas Maccabaeus, the Jewish leader, then proclaimed a festival to be observed by Jews.

During Hanukkah, gifts are exchanged and contributions are made to the poor. Each evening, one additional candle is lit on the Hanukkah menorah (candelabra). By the last evening, eight lighted candles stand together."

Nun First & The Gimel Gimels

Directions - How to play the Dreidel Game

1. Give each player 20 pennies

2. Each player puts 2 pennies in a pot.

3. Spin the dreidel! The letter facing up when the dreidel stops does the following:

• Nun - do nothing
• Gimel - take everything
• Hey - Take half of the pot
• Shin - Put one penny in the pot

4. Throughout the game, ask players to count pennies.

It's Christmas All Over The World

Diva Down!

So our lady of perpetual entropy (Britney Spears) recently went shopping for panties late one night at the Hustler Store in West Hollywood. She took a bunch of sexy thongs to the dressing room where store employees told her customers can’t try on underwear. Britney with her lack of hygiene and common sense flipped her shit. Us Magazine reports:

"At that point, Spears threw a fit, and took off her own underwear before trying on a pair of boyshorts (with "Barely Legal' stitched across the rear end) in the middle of the store while 15 other customers looked on. An eyewitness tells Us, "The employees kept saying 'Don't change out here!' She's just like, 'Well, I couldn't take them in the fitting room!' It was like dealing with a child."

Since the boyshorts were now hazardous material, employees told Britney she had to pay for them:

“She rolled her eyes, but paid with a credit card," the source tells Us. As payback, "on her way out, she went up to a mannequin, snatched the wig off the head, and stole it!"

I love how Britney Spear’s natural reaction to any confrontation is frontal nudity. I admire that. It’s something her fans can look up to: when faced with adversity, the first line of defense is taking off your pants.

Fantasy Recap, Week 12: One Long Pair Of Eyes

One thing about fantasy football: you have to keep an eye on what's comin'. It's a long season, and winning? Winning, it turns out, is pretty important... but as important? That the right opponents lose at opportune times. This is never truer than here at the ass-end of the season.

Let's take a look at why, shall we?

In my NFL.COM league... I won!

Catchers in the Rye

Projected: Win

Actual: Win 116-64

East

Catchers in the Rye 7-5-0

Eau Claire Vandals 5-7-0

LacesOu 5-7-0

Textboo 5-7-0

Central

Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 8-4-0

Death by Haiku 2 5-7-0

RumseyB 4-8-0

Goregor 3-9-0

West

DredPir 10-2-0

HolyHan 9-3-0

Mothers 7-5-0

Underdo 4-8-0

See, in the NFL leagues, the playoffs begin in Week 15. The first place team in each division makes the playoffs, along with one division's 2nd -place team with the best record. The "easiest" way to make the playoffs, then, is to be #1 in your division. At this point, I'm #1 in mine... but if I lose the last two games, and one other team in my division wins the last two games? I'm out of the playoffs. But, as they say: so far, so good.

In that hopelessly crappy NFL.COM league? I lost.

Sith Lords of the Gridiron

Projected: Loss

Actual: Loss 99-106

Central

Clemson 7-3-2

UsualSu 7-5-0

LofasLa 6-6-0

Sith Lords of the Gridiron 4-7-1

East

BBbadbo 8-4-0

Knights 7-5-0

FBomber 6-6-0

royals1 6-6-0

West

TeamAlp 6-5-1

Lynchbe 5-7-0

YounGGu 4-8-0

FifeFan 4-8-0

There's really no math here that makes the playoffs possible. Sorry to disappoint you.

Last of the NFL.COM leagues is actually first in my fantasy football lovin' heart... and yes, it's because I'm #1 in that league. I'm just that shallow. Oh, and I won.

The Powerful Mach 5!

Projected: Win

Actual: Win 119-115

Central

Powerful Mach 5! 10-2-0

Provide 6-6-0

JediMas 6-6-0

Bigbron 2-10-0

East

NEPats 9-3-0

baldeag 6-6-0

Skeleto 2-10-0

ItaliHe 2-10-0

West

Xchucki 10-2-0

Provide 9-3-0

KNIGHTS 6-6-0

Breakin 4-8-0

Actually, I'm handily #1 in my division, but another team has been on a winning streak, and has actually surpassed me in points, so now I'm #2 overall... by one point. The good news is that at this point I can't miss the playoffs here. Go Speed Racer! Go!

In my Yahoo! league? I got whupped. Whupped!

Blue Blazer Regulars

Projected: Win

Actual: Loss 231-348.50

*1. Purple Flat. Blasts 10-2-0

*2. De chier des bulles 9-3-0

*3. Night Train 9-3-0

*4. MightyPurpleHelmets 7-5-0

*5. Blue Blazer Regulars 7-5-0

6. Extreme Hummingbird 5-7-0

7. Snooze Alarm 5-7-0

8. LiL Man 4-8-0

9. Purple People Eaters 3-9-0

10. Intercepticons 1-11-0

* Clinched Playoff Spot

Of course, I've clinched a playoff spot, so in a sense it's no big deal... but then my pride starts messin' with me.... We have one more "regular season" game in this league, so I have a shot at getting back up to 5th... but that's about the best I can hope for. Nancy, meanwhile, has been on quite the winning streak, and sits happily in second! At this point she not only made the playoffs, but has earned a bye in the first week! Pretty cool!

Finally, in the office Yahoo! league... I lost.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

Projected: Loss

Actual: Loss 222.06-380.40

1. Death by Haiku 10-2-0

*2. BALCO 9-3-0

*3. CA Hot Blasts! 9-3-0

*4. The Flying Frenchman 8-4-0

*5. The Pastry Ducks 7-5-0

*6. San Diego Zoo 7-5-0

7. LightsOut 6-6-0

8. Bliss's Blitzers 5-7-0

9. Livefree; Rhymehard 4-8-0

10. Baby Bashers 4-8-0

11. Alabama Hot Pockets 3-9-0

12. ativan stat 0-12-0

* Clinched Playoff Spot

In this league we have two more regular season games... which is problematic. The top 8 teams make the playoffs, and as you can see, I'm mired in 9th place. If I win the last two games, I make the playoffs. Because of whom I'm playing, if I lose one game, there's almost no chance of me making the post-season... which has never happened to me in an office league. Another thing that I've never seen happen? Tony clamped on to 1st place like a Regulan Blood Worm. He's had a very impressive run, tellyouwhat.

So, after 12 weeks I'll certainly make the playoffs in two leagues. Likely make it in three... and with a great deal of luck, maybe even make it to the post-season in 4 of 5 leagues. Who could have foreseen?