Joe Kids

If you know me at all, you know I hate cell phones.

Okay, that's not entirely true. I hate cell phone culture. I hate having to hear half of a stupid conversation in the bulk foods aisle, or coming out of the bathroom stall at the car show, or while Obi Wan tries one last time to pull Anakin back from the dark side. I mean, look, if you want to have pointless conversations, go right ahead. Knock yourself out... but I don't want to be even remotely involved... and I sure as hell don't want to have to tell the cops that the reason you plowed into that semi, and caused the 11-car pile-up, was that you were too wrapped-up in your first "free minutes" call of the evening to notice the semi, or the rain, or the blowout of your front, passenger-side tire.

Look, I can see how cell phones can be useful... even cool. They are gadgets, after all, and I am, after all, gentically predisposed to like gadgets... so I do see some merit in them. None of the cell phone merits I can see have persuaded me to sign a contract or pay as I go, though... but thanks to an Xmas miracle, I actually have a cell now... God bless us, every one.

Yes, a few pals (and by "pals" I mean "Kind and generous people I'm very lucky to know through the blind luck of taking this job") from work got together and got me a cell phone. They thought I should wake up and smell the Millenium. They thought it'd be nice to get ahold of me in a crisis, or when Guinness went on sale at Albertson's. They thought I might find having a mobile communication device somehow useful in case I was ever mobile, and in need of communicating. They were, as is their way, thoughtful, and selfless.

So now I have a cell phone. Mostly I leave it on my desk... I haven't gotten into the habit of carrying it around, or checking my voicemail messages in the middle of the street... but I'm sure that day will come. It is, somehow, strangely comforting just having it... I'm pretty sure it can't ward off emergencies, but I'm almost as sure that in the case of one, having it could prove useful... if just to call the media, and get on the news.

Anyway, after I set my settings, and downloaded a ring tone for Nancy, I broke the news to my best friend. He's actually had a cell phone for some time. He tells me that they're really quite common. He's an expert... and a giver... so, as is his way, he shared with me these following cell phone guidelines:

1) Always have the cellphone to year ear whenever dealing with a cashier under the age of thirty. This goes for everything from McDonald's to Sak's Fifth Avenue. You don't even have to be engaged in a coversation.

2) Bonus points if the cashier is over the age of 30, or god bless you if the manager of operation is filling in for a cashier's break. When the cashier announces your total, glare. Glare like you have never glared before. Can't they see you are on the phone?

3) Randomly tell strangers how many bars you are getting. Bars are like gold to the cell phone afficionado. I recommend announcing that you have 11 bars. The obvious nod to Spinal Tap will still make you feel cool and hip, while forcing nerdy executives with no sense of humor to run to the local Radio Shack and ask for the new Razor phone with 11 bars.

4) While at the grocery store, block off an entire section of produce with your cart and call your mother. Repeat this often, "I KNOW! Bananas are only 49 cents a pound! What's that? Sure they go bad in a day, but you can make banana bread. Which makes really good toast. Forty-nine cents a pound, ma." If anyone approaches the bananas, hold up the one "wait-wait" finger. Can't they see you are talking to your mother?

5) Everyone knows you are supposed to turn your phone off during movies these days. But there are no announcements that you can't play Tetris. See how many levels you can clear during the previews.

6) If you must engage in public transportation, use your cell phone as a defense mechanism. Call a friend you haven't talked to in 12 years and catch him/her up on your life. If you have had any major surgery, go into graphic detail. Works well even if you have to make up a friend. When utilizing the "no-one on the other end" tactic, be sure to insert appropriate pauses and nods other wise it just looks like you are talking to yourself. I find that the best way to time these pauses is to use the crazy guy who actually is talking to himself as an egg timer. A kooky-bipolar-smells like urine-egg timer.

7) Drive.

8) Whenever flying, always make sure that you are the last one to turn your cell phone off, "Yes we are taxiing on the run way now." And the first one to make the announcement call "Yes, we just landed." Pre-emptive calls like "I am gonna be late, we have been circling the airport for 20 minutes now" are always well received.

9) Use your cell phone in the largest, loudest crowds possible. Dance clubs, sporting events, riots, whatever is generating the most chaos. Shout your conversation as loudly as possible, and engage in as much eye contact as you can with those around you. Shhh, quiet! Can't they see I am on the phone? A great stress reliever if you can't come up with a better reason to shout. Again, it is not important that someone else actually be on the other end.

10) If you are fortunate enough to have other friends with cells, always make sure to "take another call." The length of time that you are on the other call will let them know how important they are to you. Make it brief, "Oh it was just my mother. She just got out of surgery; I told her I would call her back" let's your friend know that you really appreciate their companionship. A lengthier wait, "Oh, it was my ex-boy/girlfriend from highschool. She wants her Bon Jovi T-shirt back" will let them know that you didn't appreciate getting a $5 bottle of Aste Spumante for Christmas when you shelled out $65 on a bottle of 18 year-old scotch.

11) If it is said over a cell phone, it's not really a lie. Stuck in traffic, delayed at the dentist, cat's puking on the new carpet are all valid reasons for being late for your job, a date, or your aunt Fiona's funeral. At least you had the courtesy to call.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's 7:01. The free evening has begun, and I have calls to make.