It's Britney, Bitch

Oh frabjous joy!

Two new Britney Spears songs have popped up online and they're every bit as bad as you'd expect. According to The Sun, she opens her new song Cold As Fire with the lyrics:

"I'm just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/Make him come in my mouth/Make him my new baby"

Other sources are saying the lyrics are:

"I'm just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/Make him call me mama/Make him my new baby"

You can listen for yourself here, but either way it's bad. Like really, really bad. Like so bad I thought it was a fake my niece recorded in her kitchen. I think they pulled some random people off the subway and made them backup singers. And Britney's next single Gimme More (listen here) opens with the words:

"It's Britney, bitch"

Oooooh, sassy. I don't know about you, but this Britney character sounds like she's got a lot of attitude. I bet she also smokes. She's so cool.

There Is Another Skywalker...

To those who have been telling me for 30 years that light sabers are imaginary, I say this: imaginary things do not get to ride on the space shuttle. Ask William Shatner.

Things That Are In Hiding... Hidden Things...

"Larry Rudolph, Osama bin Laden, Christian Slater's career."

Things aren't looking so good for Britney Spears.

Larry Rudolph, Britney’s ex-manager, spoke to Ryan Seacrest this morning and said he does not want to testify in the custody hearing for fear of what he might reveal. People reports:

“He said he's doing his best to hide from Kevin's process server," Ryan
Seacrest, who was in contact with Rudolph over the weekend, said Monday on his
KIIS-FM radio show. "He's actually on the run. They are trying to track him down
and serve him with a subpoena and they want him to appear and testify in the
custody battle.” Rudolph, who was relieved of his managerial duties by Spears
earlier this year, “doesn't want to be served because he said it won't be good
for Britney," said Seacrest. "After all they have been through he is still loyal
to her, and he doesn't want to have to go under oath and talk about certain
things that might hurt her.”


Regarding his whereabouts, Rudolph would only reveal is that he is with
his children. Furthermore, said Seacrest, the former manager wants it publicly
known that he is avoiding being served the subpoena."

Pile this on top of the child abuse investigation and it definitely looks like Kevin Federline will win custody of the children. Not that there was any doubt. Any rational person with an IQ above, I dunno, five, had this figured out months ago. I ran into a two-year-old the other day who looked at me and said, “Britney bad mommy.” Then the kid ate a pebble.

Thanks for playing the pyramid.

Gonzo Fatalism

It was you, Fredo.

Sweet!

Variety reports that NBC has decided to resurrect American Gladiators! The new version will focus on the reality aspect of the show, such as the back stories of contestants as well as following their training, etc. The show will feature eight gladiators (four men and four women) though there's no word if any of the originals like Nitro or Turbo will return. Although I'm kinda' hoping they just bring in wild gorillas, dress them up in spandex, and let them beat the contestants to death with mallets fashioned from Rice Krispie treats.

Half A Mind Away

At this point I'm just impressed she figured out the fish bowl.

Looks Like She Maaaaaaade It

While Lindsay Lohan may have ducked felony cocaine charges, she was charged with seven misdemeanors, including two counts of driving under the influence and misdemeanor possession of coke. TMZ says:

"Lohan, who was busted twice since Memorial Day weekend, was charged with
two counts of driving under the influence. If convicted of both, she'd face a
minimum of four days in jail. If a felony were filed, Lohan could have faced
several years in state prison.

TMZ goes on to explain why Lindsay only received a misdemeanor drug charge:

"In Lohan's case, the fact that she was busted twice in a short period of
time actually helped her. It shows someone is struggling with an addiction
problem. The fact that each time she was busted, she immediately checked into a
rehab facility also helped her case. Also, her age - 21 - and the fact that her
upbringing was extremely unstable - also worked in her favor."

It really says a lot when the law enforcement community agrees that Dina Lohan's parenting causes crime. Soon we’ll find out that police officers have the right to use deadly force if they spot her within 100 yards of a school. Of course legend has it she can only be killed when her youngest son Cody forgets her morning gin and tonic. That, my friends, is when we’ll strike.

UPDATE:

So it seems Lindsay Lohan has struck a deal by pleading no contest to two counts of DUI and will serve 10 days community service and one day in jail (the minimum sentence of four days was cut in half by the judge, and she was also credited one day for the time served when she was arrested). Lindsay also pleaded guilty to two counts of being under the influence of a controlled substance and pled no contest to reckless driving. The judge ordered Lindsay to serve 36 months probation and attend an alcohol education program for 18 months, as well as enroll in a drug program and "not to associate with people with controlled substances." Lindsay issued the following statement:

"It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable
because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs.

Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not
blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not
injure others. I easily could have.


I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so.

She sounds pretty serious about getting healthy, but one day in jail? For seven misdemeanors, including driving with a blood alcohol level almost double the legal limit and trying to run somebody down in her car? I waved at a police officer the wrong way once ten years ago and got a worse sentence. I'm typing this in the prison library.

Save Us, Johnny Bravo!

In case you haven't already heard it, Ryan Seacrest played Britney Spears' new single on his 102.7 KIIS FM radio show this morning. And yeah, it's bad. And I don't mean, "Hey, it's Britney Spears, let's say her new song is bad even if it isn't" bad. I mean, "Hey, this is really bad, how do you turn it off, and also shoot me in the face" bad. You can listen to the new single here and check out the lyrics here:

Everyday, I’m in a daze

Looking for that someone
And everyday, I sit and kneel and pray
Oh, sweet love, can I get some?
So why do you desert me, baby boy?
I need your love right now!
And if you desert me, baby boy
Don’t you leave me in your crowd
[Talking]
Hey baby, what time you gonna get home?
Oh, really?
[Sigh]
Alright, well, I’ll see you later, then
Oh, wait
Would you mind getting some…
Yeah, when you come home
Yeah, that’s it
I love you too
Bye
[Singing again]
Some day when you see my face
You will think that you have won
And some day when it’s all away
Our love just begun
So why did you desert me, baby boy?
I thought that you, you were the one
So if you preferred the other one
She won’t bring you the sun(son)

Did she really put a fake phone conversation in there? Why yes, yes she did. I can't believe this is actually her big comeback song. After listening to it I was expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out of my closet and tell me I got Punk'd.

Got It Bad, Got It Bad, Got It Bad

And Now For Something...

Defacer

In one of the saddest turns of events I have ever read, some guy managed to secure a direct casting of Han Solo in carbonite from the original The Empire Strikes Back prop, and then had the face sawed off and replaced with a mold of his. This is in no way, shape, or form cool at all. What was this guy thinking? You have an iconic piece of one of the best movies of all time, and you go and deface it (literally). He probably has the Holy Grail chalice from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade too, but decided it wasn't cool enough and had to glue plastic rhinestones on it and write "Pimp Juice" on the side with puffy paint.

Lighten Up

I tell you, kids today... they don't know the simple joy of holding a lighter arm's-length over the heads of dozens of alcohol-soaked concert-goers. No wonder our society is falling apart.

Some wackjob has made a website that features a close-up of a lighter flame. "Why?" you ask? Well, of course it's so you can navigate to it on your cell phone at concerts and then display a fake flame to wave around like a fake-flame-waving idiot. Nobody has lighters anymore? How are you supposed to light fireworks and cigarettes... or timber wolves? The last time I was at a concert and it was time to wave our lighters, I caught the guy next to me waving a cell phone (he wasn't even using the flame!), so I set his hair on fire. Several skin grafts and Marlo Thomas wigs later, he's still stupid. I hope this has taught you all a valuable life lesson, kids.

Rejuvenile Hall

Tonight's episode: You're out, Barnaby... and murder is in.

I can't even begin to tell you how awesome I am at 4-Square. When I was in grade school? The things I was good at you could count on one busted hand, but these two pastimes were always top of the heap:

1. Watching Quinn Martin productions on a weekend night
2. Playing 4-Square

Being so great at either may have given me my flair for the dramatic... and for spotting the bluff. It's hard to say... but it's good to say that I'd happily go back out on the court any ol' time. I welcome -and pity- any challengers. And then? Then I dare you to a round of "Duck, Duck, Goose." Loser. Yeah, that's right. I said it. "Loser." Even if you can run fast, I've seen you get up from Indian-Style, and I have to say, your form sucks, and you just can't explode off the line. Stick to the tetherball courts.

Nannies & The Professor

Hoo boy! Britney Spears' old nannies are coming forward with stories about Britney, and apparently before Jayden was born, Britney would regularly ask one of her nannies to sleep in the same bed as her and Sean. Additionally, Britney would also drink around her kids and strip down in front of staff and nannies. A former staffer tells Us:

“At first, the drinks would help her loosen up and not be so angry. But
she’d inevitably drink too much and be out of it, at which point the nannies
would take care of the kids.”
And multiple sources confirm Spears’
exhibitionist streak: “She’ll strip down in front of staff, nannies, whomever,”
says one. “She’ll ask, ‘Do I look sexy? Do I look pretty?’ She’s extremely
insecure.”

As former caretakers tell Us, being on the Spears payroll requires much more than childcare experience.

"She just cares about whether they're young and fun and like to drink and
party," says a source: “She hires people to be her friends.”

It was funny at first, but now I actually feel sorry for her. Well... almost. If she hadn't made $100 gazillion when she was younger, she'd probably be stripping or in porn right now. Which sounds funny, but, well... yeah, you know, I guess that is kinda' funny. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, yesterday I had ice cream! Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Expletively Yours

LOL!

From the "We live in a cave on a distant planet" department comes Official Meeting Facilities Guide's magazine "OMFG".

Now right there on the cover it indicates that they have a website (also omfg.com) which 1. I am surprised was not already taken, and 2. might indicate that maybe somebody involved would be internet-savvy enough to realize that the name they've chosen is horrible. They were probably sitting at the boardroom table kicking around ideas for a name, and eventually narrowed down to "WTF", "STFU", and "ROTFLMAO" before finally just going with the classic "OMFG".

Photoshopaholic

Allure Magazine has maybe the most insulting photo shoot with Britney Spears you've ever seen. Do they really expect anybody to believe this is what she looks like? They could've photographed a stack of pancakes wearing a fedora and it would've looked more like Britney Spears. With this much airbrushing they might as well have hired a cartoonist to just draw pictures of her instead.

I don't know what made me think of this, but click here, then click on "Portfolio."

Dogged

NFL quarterback Michael Vick is facing federal charges for allegedly participating in illegal dogfighting, and now he's being hit with a "$63,000,000,000 billion dollar" lawsuit filed by South Carolina inmate Jonathan Lee Riches, who says Michael stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy "missiles from Iran." Fox News reports:

"The complaint also alleges that Vick would need those missiles because
he pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda in February of this year.

“Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and
dashing my hopes,” Riches writes in the complaint.

Riches wants $63 billion dollars “backed by gold and silver “
delivered to the front gates to the Williamsburg Federal Correctional facility
in South Carolina. Riches is an inmate at the facility serving out a wire fraud
conviction."

Oh yeah... did I mention the lawsuit was written by hand? Because it's written by hand. And though I'm not a lawyer, I have to say that this Jonathan Lee Riches sounds like he's got a rock-solid case. Michael Vick better start saving, 'cause "$63 billion dollars backed by gold and silver “ is kind of a lot of money. I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty good with numbers.

The Projector At The Planetarium

From Tuesday's (8/14) San Jose Mercury News:

By Sal PizarroMercury News

The code is cracked.

And for anyone who thought a simple message was being transmitted
by the rotating disks atop the Adobe tower in downtown San Jose, boy, were you
wrong.


The message of San Jose Semaphore is the entire text of the Thomas
Pynchon book, "The Crying of Lot 49."


The solution was discovered by two Silicon Valley tech workers, Bob
Mayo and Mark Snesrud, who received a commendation at San Jose City Hall today.


Using both the rotating disks and the art project's audio
broadcast, they deciphered a preliminary code based on the James Joyce novel,
"Ulysses," which was the key to solving the entire message. It took them about
three weeks.


"It was not a real easy thing to figure out," said Snesrud, a chip
designer for Santa Clara based W&W Communications.


Ben Rubin, the New York artist who developed the project, applauded
the duo's "computational brute force" in finding the message.


"I'm especially glad the code was cracked and that it was done in a
very classical way," Rubin said.


The Pynchon book, written in the mid-1960s, is set in a fictional
California city filled with high-tech campuses. It follows a woman's discovery
of latent symbols and codes embedded in the landscape and local culture, Rubin
said.


The semaphore is made up of four 10-foot wide disks, which are
composed of 24,000 light-emitting diodes. The disks each have a dark line going
from one end to another and twirl around every eight seconds to create a new
pattern.


It made its debut on Aug. 7, 2006 as part of the ZeroOne digital
art festival. Rubin said there are no plans to stop the semaphore or change its
message - at least for the time being.
"It'll change the way people look
it," Rubin said of having the solution known. "Maybe in a few years, we'll
revisit it."

Malice In Wonderland

Outside it's America!



I'd like to think that these displays will maybe help them/us confront our own hypocrisies, and in the process help us grow as people, and as a society which-- oh, I just can't do it. I'm sorry. They're horrible people in the Big Brother house, and I'm at best marginally better only by virtue of merely watching their shenanigans, and not actually participating in them.

Tuesday! 8:00! It's "Power of Veto" night!

Indiana Jones and the Broom No One Noticed

A scooper for SlashFilm revealed an MPAA title registration report that reveals LucasFilm has registered six Indiana Jones titles in the database, meaning one of these will more than likely be the title of the fourth chapter of the series. Those titles are:

- Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
- Indiana Jones and the Destroyer of Worlds
- Indiana Jones and the Fourth Corner of the Earth
- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
- Indiana Jones and the Lost City of Gold
- Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Covenant

Unfortunately, this probably rules out the possibility of other rumored titles like:

- Indiana Jones and that City Near Visalia
- Indiana Jones and the Journey Through the Human Bloodstream
- Indiana Jones and the Joke About His Age
- Indiana Jones and the High Score at Crystal Castles
- Indiana Jones and the Unremarkable Statue
- Indiana Jones and the Case of the Shopworn Sneakers
- Indiana Jones and the Women (originally featuring Dr. T)
- Indiana Jones and the Attempt to Return an Artifact to a Museum
- Indiana Jones: Jonesin' for Treasure!