All You Need

"Bud: Me, I used to live like Robinson Crusoe, I mean shipwrecked among eight million people. Then, one day I saw a footprint in the sand, and there you were. It's a wonderful thing, dinner for two.
Fran: You usually eat alone?
Bud: Oh no. Sometimes I have dinner with Ed Sullivan, sometimes Dinah Shore or Perry Como. The other night, I had dinner with Mae West. Of course, she was much younger then."

I Need You Today

"I never thought of this as funny
It speaks another world to me
I wanna be your easter bunny
I wanna be your christmas tree
I’ll strip the world that you must live in
Of all it’s godforsaken greed
I’ll ply the tar out of your feathers
I’ll pluck the thorns out of your feet

You and me
You and me
You and me

And if I choose your sanctuary
I’ll want to wash you with my hair
I’ll want to drink of sacred fountains
And find the riches hidden there
I’ll eat the lotus and peyote
I’ll want to hear the caged-bird sing
I’ll want the secrets of the temple
I’ll want the finger with the ring

You and me
You and me
You and me

And if you make me your religion
I’ll give you all you will need
I’ll be the drawing of your breath
I’ll be the cup if you should bleed
I’ll be the sky above the ganges
I’ll be the vast and stormy sea
I’ll be the lights that guide you inland
I’ll be the visions you will see
Visions you will see
You will see
You will see

You and me
You and me
You and me
You and me
You and me
You and me"

Hapless

From Wikipedia:

A Rube Goldberg machine or device is any exceedingly complex apparatus that performs a very simple task in a very indirect and convoluted way. Rube devised and drew several such pataphysical devices. The best examples of his machines have an anticipation factor. The fact that something so wacky is happening can only be topped by it happening in a suspenseful manner. A Rube Goldberg machine usually has at least ten steps. One story about Rube Goldberg is that while sleep-walking barefoot in a cactus field, he screamed out an idea about a self-operating napkin.

The term also applies as a classification for generally over-complicated apparatus or software. It first appeared in Webster's Third New International Dictionary with the definition, "accomplishing by extremely complex roundabout means what actually or seemingly could be done simply."

In Britain, such a device would be called a Heath Robinson contraption, after the British cartoonist who also drew fantastic comic machinery, in his case tended by bespectacled men in overalls. See also Roland Emett, who created many actual working machines of this type, such as the Breakfast Machine in the film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

In Denmark, they would be called Storm P maskiner after the Danish cartoonist Robert Storm Petersen.

In Japan, they are called ピタゴラ装置 (pitagora souchi), which means Pythagorean Machine.

In Spain there is not a particular noun to mean such machines, but a reference akin to Goldberg's machines existed: Catalan cartoonist Jordi Sabatés made up and drew many of those devices for a section in the TBO magazine, allegedly designed by some Professor Franz from Copenhagen.

The Norwegian cartoonist and storyteller Kjell Aukrust created a cartoon character named Reodor Felgen who constantly invented complex machinery. Though it was often built out of unlikely parts, it always performed very well. Felgen stars as the inventor of an extremely powerful but overly complex car Il Tempo Gigante in the Ivo Caprino animated puppet-film Flåklypa Grand Prix (1975).

Another related phenomenon is the Japanese art of useful but unusable contraptions called chindōgu.

How will he ever get his groove back?.

We're 87! We're 87!

Here's one:

“I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone.”
~Charles Darwin, in the foreword to his book, The Origin of Species, 1869

Batshit! (Thanks Lindsay!)

Just a friend you haven't met yet.

What Remains, However Improbable...

Charlie -The Wraith- Sheen was recently on the radio telling Alex Jones that he believes there's a massive cover-up going on over the events of 9/11.

"It seems to me like 19 amateurs with box cutters taking over four commercial airliners and hitting 75% of their targets, that feels like a conspiracy theory. It raises a lot of questions." [...]

"I was up early and we were gonna do a pre-shoot on Spin City, the show I used to do, I was watching the news and the north tower was burning. I saw the south tower hit live, that famous wide shot where it disappears behind the building and then we see the tremendous fireball."

"There was a feeling, it just didn't look any commercial jetliner I've flown on any time in my life and then when the buildings came down later on that day I said to my brother 'call me insane, but did it sorta look like those buildings came down in a controlled demolition?"

Two things to consider:
1) He may actually be right
2) Something's seriously wrong when you're looking to Emilio Estevez for guidance

Mutant Gene.

Dashing Diner

From SFGATE.COM:

Running Darla's, a diner in the Sunset District, is no game for its owner, Darla Kubala. She starts her day at 8 in the morning and sometimes doesn't finish until 10 at night. She greets customers, waits tables and has to deal with huffy patrons. She also balances the books, keeps the pantry stocked and makes sure all the equipment is up and running.

Sound interesting? Thanks to San Francisco game publisher PlayFirst, players will have the chance to run a virtual version of Darla's in the online game Diner Dash 2, which premieres Tuesday.

Diner Dash 2 follows last year's original Diner Dash, which attracted hundreds of thousands of players and underscored the popularity of casual online games

In the original Diner Dash, Flo quits her high-powered job as a stockbroker to open a restaurant. The player takes on her character as she races to seat customers, take their orders, serve food, bus up the tables and, of course, pick up the check. The player earns points for getting the job done and is rewarded by getting to upgrade the restaurant, like hiring a mime to entertain customers.

In the latest version, Flo now must help save her friends' restaurants from an evil corporation set on razing their businesses and putting in a Mega Multiplex FoodPlaza. Flo waits tables at each of her friends' restaurants, so the restaurants can flourish and ward off the evil corporation. The game's first level starts at Darla's Cafe, which is based loosely on Darla's at Ninth Avenue and Irving Street in San Francisco.

PlayFirst developers heard about Darla's a few months ago, and, after having lunch there, were inspired to name one of the restaurants in Diner Dash 2 after her.

Like Flo, Kubala is a restaurant entrepreneur, who started the place from the ground up. The developers were immediately drawn to Kubala and the way she juggles running the business, waiting tables and making time to talk and get to know customers. She displayed a remarkable ability to recall a customer's preferences after meeting them a few times.

"In Darla, we feel like we found a real-life Flo," said Heidi Perry, vice president of marketing. "Darla is very real. She's always talking and going back and forth."

Chris Bennett, the producer of Diner Dash 2, said he was struck by the casual, family-friendly atmosphere at Darla's, which matched the game's goal. "You walk in there and you say, 'Wow, this is it,' " he said about Darla's restaurant.

Because the game was already far along in development, they couldn't incorporate as many details from Darla's restaurant in the game as they would have liked, though they haven't ruled that out for a later edition. They did, however, design the outdoor cafe in part after Darla's back patio, including adding potted flowers.

PlayFirst is also looking to Kubala for ideas as it creates a corner on its Web site where fans can learn more about Flo and her friends, as well as chat about the game.

Kubala, who with her husband also owns the Tempest in downtown San Francisco, started as a waitress 30 years ago at Bob's Big Boy in Downey (Los Angeles County), when she was 18. Having dreamed of running a business, she finally opened Darla's about four years ago.

Diner Dash is very realistic, said Kubala, who has played the game. Like in real life, Flo must manage impatient customers, who wave at the staff to get their attention and leave if they don't get seated right away.

"When we're really kicking, that's how it can be," she said. "It's very stressful. When things are going in here, you have to click. You have to be ready to go."

Someone gets in our way, someone don't feel so well.

BS

Can somebody tell me what kind of world we live in when someone gives Britney Spears her very own pro-life monument? Well kids, the folks at Capla Kesting Fine Arts (in Brooklyn's Williamsburg gallery district) have gone and done just that.

The life-sized statue celebrates the recent birth of Spears' baby boy, Sean, and applauds her decision of placing family before career. Gallery co-director Lincoln Capla says, "A superstar at Britney's young age having a child is rare in today's celebrity culture. This dedication honors Britney for the rarity of her choice and bravery of her decision."

The official name of the monument is "Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston," but I'm pretty sure the unofficial name is "The sex doll I was making but somebody caught me so now I'm pretending it's a Britney Spears monument." Besides, I don't think getting accidentally knocked-up counts as a brave decision to put family before career. It's more like a rash decision to not use protection.

Are we learning yet?

Sp-oof. Spoof.

Dog. Gone.

No words.

Xenu Better Than That

MSNBC recently reported that John Travolta's decision to play middle-aged mom Edna Turnblad in a remake of John Waters' classic Hairspray is causing a controversy in the Scientology community. Why? Let's just say that the religion's founder, L. Ron Hubbard, wouldn't be a big fan of this year's gay Oscar theme....

A recent Rolling Stone article about Scientology reports that its founder, L. Ron Hubbard, felt that gays “should be taken from… society as rapidly as possible” because “no social order will survive which does not remove these people from its midst.”

While it's safe to say that LRH was probably not commenting on this specific decision -since, you know, he's been dead for twenty years now- Big John shouldn't be resting easy just yet. See, L. Ron is scheduled to be reincarnated any day now (Don't believe me? Go to any Scientology bunker, and check out the office they have waiting for him). And still, if for some odd reason that doesn't happen, John had better still keep a sharp eye out for the Commodor's Earth-bound, Operating Thetan 7 enforcer.

Gr*at Gadsby!

"O.J. Simpson... not a Jew!
But guess who is... Hall of Famer Rod Carew!"

Who says we don't need another hero?