You Don't Know Jack.

Happy Halloween!

Re-Possessed.

What a cut-up.

Great, Kid! Don't Get Cocky!

Optimism? Cautious.

I Still Haven't Fled What I'm Running From.

Terrorish.

But That's How It Goes.

Whoa.

Where There's Glenn, There's Hope.

The Fur Is With Him.

Wookie error!

YOU Make The Call!

Best love song written about someone the artist never met?

Allison

Susanne

Kate

What's The Worst That Could Happen?

It's time for a new feature!

Welcome to "What's The Worst That Could Happen?"

Seen on a barrier while waiting for the 38R:

What's the worst that could happen?

Good Morning, Sleepyhead!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaake Up!

Heavy!

Great Scott!

Miss You. Thank You. Love You.

Half-Mast.

Saw this on a men's room wall the other night:

"I lowered my standards and my pants for him."

Sooooo many questions....

Hi! Welcome To Wet Seal!

The Cops!

I Can See For Niles And Niles.

Boo.

The Pain That Never Dies.

Aw, dang.

Genetics 101.

Well, *That* Explains A Lot.

Jay Z Days And Sundays....

So what? I was possessed by Jay Z late last year, and it didn't help me get out of traffic school.

We Came, We Saw, We Shopped.

Start saving those pennies!

"Zombie Or Not A Zombie?" Returns!

Oh come on now, you deserve it!

Zombie... or not a zombie?

The Best Thing I Said Today!

"You know what's better than being sorry? Not being a dick."

(The) Envoy Encore.

You're Welcome.

Tweet Nothings.

Hey, look! I learned how to send the Twitter!

5:00 PM (two days ago)
I can Twitter on my phone! No idea why I would, but it’s cool. Gives me something to do in the new house.

1:00 AM
Found mysterious hole in new house today. In floor. No basement. Calling my realtor before neighbor comes over for some pie and noodles.

7:00 AM
Building plans show no basement. What’s the hole lead to? Totally checking it out after neighbor leaves. Put carpet over hole for now.

9:00 AM
Neighbor fell through carpet. Trying to play it like I didn’t know there was a hole.

9:20 AM
Man alive! Neighbor eaten by alligators! What are alligators doing under my house?

9:30 AM
They’re coming out of the hole. I’m stuck upstairs.

9:45 AM
911 operator thought I was joking. Hung up on me. At least alligators can’t climb stairs.

9:50 AM
They can climb stairs. Locking door.

10:00 AM
Alligators can’t open locks, can they? That’s just Raptors, right?

10:45 AM
Need to get out of here. Think I can climb out the window. Just two stories. Not bad, right? Just don’t look down.

11:00 AM
Looked down. More alligators. They’re coming through the ground down there. So many holes.

11:11 AM
Police! Cop car at my house right now! Regis bless those flashing red and blue lights.

11:26 AM
Tunneling lizards got him. Can hear him under my house now. Stupid holegators. Got back to bedroom, threw my TV at one of them.

11:40 AM
I miss my TV. CNN say anything about holegator invasion?

11:50 AM
Alligators dragged my TV into their holes. Could swear I hear them watching it. They have electricity?

12:00 PM, Noon
They shut off my power. Holegators can chew through power lines.

12:24 PM
Holegator tried to pick my lock. Opened door and whacked him in face, then shut it. Haha.

12:30 PM
House just sagged. Think they’re eating the foundation?

12:42 PM
House now diagonal. Living in a scalene triangle. They’re trying to climb up to the window. Got to escape.

1:00 PM
Climbed up side. Got to roof. Holegator followed me; hit him with an antenna.

1:10 PM
They got my antenna. Have to run for the cop car.

1:20 PM
Made it. Thing won’t start! How do you start a cop car?

1:30 PM
Holegators burrowed under and ate the transmission! Car can’t move! When did alligators start eating metal?

1:40 PM
They’re under me. Can hear my TV. Holegators watch PBS?

1:50 PM
They’re eating the tires. Where to go? Wish there was a spare gun.

1:55 PM
Jabbing an alligator in eye with nightstick is more fun than you think.

1:59 PM
They ate my nightstick.

2:15 PM
Can’t get back to house. Surrounded.

2:25 PM
Going to do something stupid.

2:35 PM
Jumped down their hole. They have disco lighting? So many disco balls.

2:50 PM
Disco stopped. They’re back. Going to eat me.

3:00 PM
Going to do something stupid.

3:10 PM
It worked! Singing disco songs makes them stop. Saturday Night Fever, I love you!

3:20 PM
YYY M C A

3:30 PM
They get good TV reception.

3:40 PM
Brought me Chinese for singing Kung Fu Fighting. Good dumplings. Considering staying for a while.

Best Of Daves.

End Of Dave's.

Another one bites the dust. #RIPSOMA

Feeling Bullish.

Strike (Out)!

Any serious discussion  of "Worst Show Ever?" must include Celebrity Bowling. And if you haven't seen the Bill Shatner episode you're just so, so sad. #allforyoujedallan

Always Again, America.

Watch Obama Address Homicidal Gun Violence Again, And Again, And Again - http://huff.to/1JHgMai

The Best Thing I Said Today!

It's time for a new segment!

The best thing I said today:

"It's like being Dahmer's neighbor... I'm in no way responsible... yet I'm helplessly involved."

These Are Things.

Don't You Think?

The merchandiser at B&N should probably read this book.

Tweet Emotion.

The boy tweets.

Dontchoo Monkey With The Monkey.

Even after 33 years, I maintain that Peter Gabriel's "Shock the Monkey" is the finest music video ever, ummmmm, music video'd. What have you all been doing for 33 years?

Uh-Oh, It's Magic.

WWyD?

Mission Trail Of Tears.

For those of you who weren't required to do the Missions project in the 6th grade, Junipero Serra was the 18th-century Spanish Franciscan priest who created the first Catholic missions in California. The Pope called Serra "the embodiment of a Church which goes forth..." many Native Americans call him something different.

Today Pope Francis canonized Junipero Serra.

His sainthood was actually fast-tracked, no lie. Serra was beatified in 1988, and while the world waited for his canonization, Pope Francis raced through the usual process for saints, which requires the Vatican to certify two miracles attributed to them. Serra's got only one miracle to his credit: a nun who prayed to him in 1960 said she was cured of lupus. For the record, I had a neighbor once who prayed to me, then later he found a cassette behind a freezer that he'd been looking for all summer, so, y'know... whenever you're ready, Pope Francis.

Before a group of strangers from a distant church decided California's Native Americans oughta' be Catholic (one assumes the church just really needed the dues),  these (estimated) 60,000 free people spoke 64 to 80 distinct languages and were part of the most diverse and densely populated region of indigenous peoples in North America. Thanks to their subjugation by the church, they were decimated by disease, war and the conditions in the missions, where they were worked and starved to death.

By 1910, after a century and a half of welcoming strangers to a land that didn't belong to anyone, there were fewer than 16,000 California Indians left. On the plus side, California had 21 brand-new missions, and I won a "Best of Show" award for my rendering of one of them in crayon in a 2nd-Grade art show.

Though the missions were actually considered temporary, the pain they caused still lingers. If there's any hope for enlightenment and true atonement here, it's this: not that long ago I happened across the mission a friend's daughter's had constructed for her class project. She'd chosen Mission San Gabriel, which is a long, boxy mission featuring a 6-bell bell wall. I was drawn to the functioning bell wall, but had to ask about the large, uneven open area opposite that bell wall. It was an uncultivated area, shaded by trees she'd fashioned from pipe cleaners and yarn. "What's up with the clearing," I asked. She said "It's not a clearing... it's a cemetery." I looked closer, and saw she'd created a couple dozen mounds in the "dirt." Straightening, I noted that there weren't any markers... and she sighed "They didn't let them have markers."

There's Certainly a High Way, But I've Never Seen A Free Way.

“Is there a rhyme or reason to the numbering of Interstates?” asked Angelique.

“Yes, there is. But first you need to know a little about the interstate highway system,” replied the internet.  So here it is:

Known officially as the Dwight D. Eisenhower System of Interstate and Defense Highways, this massive federal road-building project began in the late 1930s. But it wasn't until 1952 that Congress authorized spending and construction began. In 1956, uniform construction standards were adopted, governing such things as access, speeds, number of lanes, width of lanes and width of shoulders.

Standards were also established for numbering the routes:

• Routes with odd numbers run north-south.
• Routes with even numbers run east-west.
• For north-south routes, the lowest numbers are in the west.
• For east-west routes, the lowest numbers are in the south.

So, I-5 runs north-south along the west coast, while I-10 runs east-west in the south.

The major transcontinental routes are:

East-west Transcontinental Routes
Interstate #	From	To	Distance
I-10	Los Angeles, CA	Jacksonville, FL	2,459.96 mi (3,959 km)
I-80	San Francisco, CA	Teaneck, NJ	2,906.77 mi (4,678 km)
I-90	Seattle, WA	Boston, MA	3,085.27 mi (4,965 km)

North-south Transcontinental Routes
Interstate #	From	To	Distance
I-5	San Diego, CA	Blaine, WA	1,382.04 mi (2,224 km)
I-15	San Diego, CA	Sweetgrass, MT	1,436.89 mi (2,312 km)
I-35	Laredo, TX	Duluth, MN	1,831.43 mi (2,947 km)
I-55	New Orleans, LA	Chicago, IL	943.69 mi (1519 km)
I-65	Mobile, AL	Gary, IN	888.08 mi (1,429 km)
I-75	Miami, FL	Sault Ste Marie, MI	1,787.49 mi (2,877 km)
I-95	Miami, FL	Houlton, ME	1,892.76 mi (3,046 km)

When an interstate hits a major urban area, beltways around the city carry a three-digit number. These routes are designated with the number of the main route and an even-numbered prefix. To prevent duplication within a state, prefixes go up. For example, if I-80 runs through three cities in a state, routes around those cities would be I-280, I-480 and I-680. This system is not carried across state lines, so several cities in different states can have a beltway called I-280.

--All words and effort courtesy of A. Thomas

Old News Is Bad News.

This is just the kind of news that flares up and out... but before you know it, Nic Cage is tapping at your door, asking if he can come in to use your phone.

Remain vigilant!

Here's To The Max.

And then, every so often, I say to myself "Oh, yeeeaahhhhh... there was a bionic dog."

We're Home.

Turn And Face The Strange.

This was hard...

This made it a little easier, though.

Schlitz Tiglo Carbon!

Just click here.

Life 4 Feet Behind

A long time ago, John Parker came home.

Before too long he had his own blog:

Little Dog, Big City

Before too long, he got bored with sharing his stories, so like me, he started to keep them to himself.

If you're interested in life with John Parker: The Early Days, check it out. If you're not, well then... it kinda' sucks to be you.

Musical Chairs.

Here's the thing: Musical Chairs is a really mean game only kids play, and those who win? I promise you they all become Senators. Check the tape. It's true.

Aaaaaannndddd We're Back!

I used to say stuff on here. Then I didn't.

Now I'm back... and John Parker says "Hi!"