But What's That Terminator Arm Doing There?

Wow.






I don't really have any more info on this house except that it's filled with virtually every single piece of Star Wars memorabilia short of George Lucas's corpse. CLICK!

SO Not Cool

Unless you can run faster than 7 miles an hour.

Tasting And Judgement

What? I Need A Reason?

Hello From... Ohhhhh, What's The Point?

HelloFromEarth.net is a website where you can submit text messages to be broadcast to Gliese 581d, a planet 20-light years away that may or may not support life (but 100% does). You have until the 24th of the month to submit your texts. Aaaaaaand here are some awful examples of why the aliens are gonna come kill us all.

"Come here and take me with us. Here everyone is crazy." "

Ever heard of Jesus? He's pretty awesome. Yay space travel!"

"... hi....... hehehehehhehehehehee (runs off giggling like a little school girl at lunch over a cute boy)"

Hopefully no one else is out there.

You Make My Heart Sing!

Awww, man... I'm helpless here! Director Spike Jonze has created an emotion microwave! Two-and-a-half minutes and your heart should be warmed throughout. Ready to serve!

Some Scenes Should Never Be Seen

If seeing a long-haired man with his hand up Ernie's butt is something you find magical, then you'll heart this clip from a behind-the-scenes Sesame Street thing that aired on the History Channel. The Children's Television Workshop either looks like a delight to work at or a living nightmare, depending on how long you stare into Bert's dead eyes... and how much you like felt and hippies.

Nomnomnom! Braainnnnnnnnnnssssss!

I would eat this zombie brain cupcake (created by Flickr user xsomnis) and then ask for seconds.

And if there aren't any seconds, well, I'm looking at your head. Mmmmmm... the hypothalamus is my favorite!

That's No Moon....

Wow. That's uh, that's really something.

Mind if I punch you in the fa--POW! Haha, I guess not. Uh-oh, here comes another proton torpedo!

I Feel The Conflict Within You

Jessica? You'd be a fool not to marry this guy.

Click the sadness above!

CNR

Click the god!

(thanks Nancy!)

Ding!

Pew! Pew!

Ooooooooooooooooo!

Now available on internet: 8mm home movies of the original special effects team who made all that lightsabering possible. Really makes me wish I could go back and see it all happen firsthand, and maybe warn them about some future tragedies (no, I don't mean Jar Jar*) or make some money betting on the outcome of sporting events.

*Yes I do.

Kindling

Ack!

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay....

Bandai is selling these $6 jellyfish toys that you put in your water bottle to keep you company when you're doing whatever sad, lonely thing you do that's led you to buy a $6 piece of plastic to keep you company. But hey, I'm not judging (I just ordered thirty). They come in jellyfish, squid and octopus varieties, and present a choking hazard to all people under 150. Click to choke!

Shhhhhhhhhh! Shat!

Trouble In The Forest

So long as our childhoods are being mined for every last gem, and with the "green" campaign going so strong that it's nearly convinced me to stop arbitrarily burning piles of rubber and coal, Universal Pictures and Illumination Entertainment have decided to cash in on the renewed interest in not completely destroying Earth. The studios have signed Chris Renaud, Cinco Paul, and Ken Daurio to write and direct a computer-animated film based on Dr. Seuss's ecologically-minded story, The Lorax. From Variety:

“Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax” will be co-directed by Chris Renaud and Cinco Paul & Ken Daurio, with Paul & Daurio writing the script.

Though published in 1971, “The Lorax” has a timely “green” theme. It is narrated by a greedy entrepreneur who, despite warnings from the tree-loving Lorax, strips a forest of its stock of Truffula trees to manufacture clothing. The results are catastrophic as all the animals leave and nothing’s left."

I'm actually pretty glad The Lorax is being adapted. It has a really strong message that I think kids should be learning early: that we still have the same problems now that we did in 1971, you can't do anything about it, and everything is futile. You ARE the future!

Get It? "Swell"!

Kevin Federline stopped by E! 's Daily 10 last night where he spoke to Sal Masekela about doing a reality show that may center around Kevin's noticeable weight gain:

"When asked about the validity of one of the rumored reality show concepts would be about Federline getting back into dancer shape, he says: "It would probably be pretty interesting, you know?" "When Masekela comments he doesn't feel like people really know Federline, he says: "They know what they're told. I mean, you know, so... I mean, it would be relevant to make something like that happen. And if and when it does, I'll let you know. I mean, as long as I know who I am, and my kids know who Daddy is and love Daddy. At the end of the day, nothing else really matters, you know.""

And suddenly, K-Fed's the smartest guy in the room. That's swell.

Common People... Fascinating

You can't Tell The Tacos From The Sourdoughs!

Don't Forget To Thank Your Robotic Overlords!

Now, I ask you: how would you like to wake up to this guy staring at you? You wouldn't, would you? Anyway, some scientists (the smart ones) fear that robot intelligence is going too far and we must do something to stop them before they stop (read: :"kill") us.

"Impressed and alarmed by advances in artificial intelligence, a group of computer scientists is debating whether there should be limits on research that might lead to loss of human control over computer-based systems that carry a growing share of society's workload, from waging war to chatting with customers on the phone.

"[They] generally discounted the possibility of highly centralized superintelligences and the idea that intelligence might spring spontaneously from the Internet. But they agreed that robots that can kill autonomously are either already here or will be soon"

That's right, AUTONOMOUS KILLER ROBOTS. You remember Twiki from Buck Rogers? He was one. Bidi-bidi-bidi!

Sleep tight!

Yup.

Never Forget

There's Gotta' Be Easier Ways To Sell Amway

Student Confidential should be classified alongside Planet of the Apes, The Sixth Sense, The Usual Suspects, and other films known for their shocking surprise endings, because there are no possible scenarios that could have occurred in this movie that would have resulted in this ending being either expected or in any way acceptable.



And now I have to sign up for Netflix again.

Get Back On The Wagon

This is a video of the winners from the American Library Association's Book Cart Drill Team World Championship. I'm not even kidding. I AM ADULTING.

"The secret lives of librarians took center stage at the American Library Association's annual conference earlier this month. There was dancing, there were costumes, there was music, and, of course, there were book carts.

"Teams bring acrobatic splits, book cart headlights, and dry ice effects to the floor in the quest to win first place and the coveted gold book cart trophy that comes with it. "It changes the whole image of librarians," added Ison."

Let That Be Your Last Battlefield

Love 'em? Hate 'em? So Conflicted!

Everything Old Is Scaring The Shit Out Of Me

Electra Grrrrrls

Fractured

Batting Stance Guy Stances While Batting

I know nothing about baseball, and even I love this guy!



Look how happy he makes Dave! Isn't that all we want? For Dave to be happy? Well done, Batting Stance Guy! Well done!

For The Way You Save And/Or Endanger

This photo of the Star Wars cast from a 1978 Sears catalog has been bouncing across the interwebs for a while now, but I can't resist posting it.

How is it somehow more normal to see them dressed in fur, robes, and helmets than in regular clothes? I feel like I'm looking at the employees of an insanely mismatched, carnivalesque accounting firm.

You're The Charlie Browniest

Yipes!

This is a painting of Charlie Brown by artist Tim O'Brien. I'm sorry if you're not gonna be able to sleep tonight, but I live by the mantra "if I had to see, so do you". Sweet dreams!

Oooo! More!

Get The Message?

Click and save!

Shady

These $200 sunglasses from Calvin Klein (available this October) feature a 4GB flash drive in the right arm so you can take your data to the beach or Academy Awards or a Lakers game or wherever the hell people wear sunglasses these days. Whatever happened to squinting and writing things down?

Smile, You Robotic Destroyer Of Humanity, You!

Because the robot apocalypse just isn't coming fast enough, evidently, the fools at the University of California, San Diego have created a robot that can learn new facial expressions on it's own. Next, its gonna learn how to drive itself to the shooting range.

"To begin teaching the robot, the researchers stuck Einstein in front of a mirror and instructed the robot to "body babble" by contorting its face into random positions. A video camera connected to facial recognition software gave the robot feedback: When it made a movement that resembled a "real" expression, it received a reward signal.

" "It's an iterative process," said facial recognition expert Marian Bartlett, a co-author of the study. "It starts out completely random and then gets feedback. Next time the robot picks an expression, there's a bias towards putting the motors in the right configuration." "

Welcome Back! Go Away!

I know, it's been too long since a "crazy Britney" post. can I help it if they've circled the wagons on the Spears' ranch? Well kids, in another sign of a pending Britney Apocalypse, we learn that Britney has reportedly been downing diet pills and Red Bulls before her concerts, according to Betty Confidential:

"The pop star's conservator-dad, Jamie, was especially alarmed when he caught his daughter popping over-the-counter diet pills, which she washed down with Red Bull, before a recent performance. "Britney was definitely trying to get high by taking too many diet pills and energy drinks," says a family insider. "Jamie thinks the combination of the two is making her whacked-out and, causing her to lash out in weird angry rampages." "

Right, I get it. It's the "diet pills" that are making her crazy.

X-tasy

I know, I know... it looks like a cool flowchart... it looks like science... now... click it!

It's really just more proof that the X-Men aren't much more than 90210 characters' dopplegangers. Or dopplebangers. Wooooooooooooo!

Tra La La La-La-La-La

Ne-Yo Yo-Yo

In a weird, sad way, it makes me happy to see kids still practice the art of the yo-yo.

There, I Fixed-- Oooo! Shiny!

Click!

Now you'll excuse me while I plug holes in the wall with toothpaste.

Defying Media Too Fast

Safe? Insane!

Oooooooooo! Aiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Smokin' Cigarettes And Watchin' Cap'n Kangaroo

This?

This is a little diagram showing how far our TV broadcasts have traveled out into space already (click for full-size version). As you can see, the aliens orbiting Procyon are just about ready for some Sopranos action. Then, they'll smash their televisions because they're advanced enough to know there's nothing good coming after. Watch the skies!

Is Our

Parents! Do you spoil your kids? You shouldn't. Which is exactly why you should buy this $75 TIE Fighter playset for yourself and never let them touch touch it.

Rope it off in the corner of the living room and sit in it making PEW PEW PEWs while they stare longingly at all the fun you're having. Ask them who wants to play space battle and then tell them you've changed your mind and you'd trade either one of them for a new lawnmower in a heartbeat. Then, send them to bed with no dinner. It's what my parents did, and look how great I turned out.

Lookee!

Even Less Than Meets The Eye

By now, really, it should go without saying that Michael Bay is something of a turd. There's already plenty of turd evidence to support that theory, and I don't think anyone -including Bay himself- is really disputing the notion, but just in case you find yourself in a conversation where you need the additional support of a turdy email to prove that Michael Bay really is something of a turd, fellow turd TMZ has this report on a turdy email the director sent:

"Michael Bay sent a scathing email to Paramount Studios before the release of "Transformers 2," complaining in effect that his famous director friends would be shocked at the way Paramount was promoting the flick.

"We've obtained an email dated May 4, 2009 -- from Bay to Paramount head Brad Grey, along with a bunch of other Paramount honchos. Bay complains bitterly that Paramount's ad campaign for "Transformers 2" was tepid and ineffective.

" "... I have been waiting, and waiting for the anticipation of an 'event movie' to make it into the 'public zeitgeist,'" Bay writes.

"Bay calls the print campaign an "abject failure," with a "pathetic presence" in the L.A. Times. He's especially pissed about the profile of the movie on the MTV Video Awards, calling it "so lame." "

"But here's the best part. Bay name-drops Jerry Bruckheimer, saying Jerry always told him "a studio that does not make [the opening of a movie] an event ... will get bitten in the ass." He then adds, "Besides my good friend Steven [Spielberg], Jerry has made a lot more successful movies then (sic) all of us." "

Why isn't Transformers 2 in the public zeitgeist, guys!? SO LAME. If this were a Stevesy -Spielberg, heard of him?- film, it would definitely be in the public zeitgeist. That print campaign was just so lame. Everyone knows print is the way of the future, so that really should have been the focus for this public zeitgeist event, you lame-heads.

Turd.

What About Bob?

All Shook Up

Now, technically, the world's largest alarm clock is actually the sun, but I'll look past that for the sake of this sorry bastard, who's convinced he's made the largest. Now I don't want to ruin the video for you, but there is absolutely no way he originally designed that as an alarm

Picky

Everything Old Is... Robots!

This?



This is a news report from the future. For you doubters of our potential robotic overlords, I'll accept your apologies now. The line starts to the left of the butter churn.

Not! Not! Not!

It's To The Stars We Are Flyin'!

Not Just Another John

Nom, Nom! Pew! Pew!

And, Here's Bob!

Uh Oh! It's Magic!

Scary Monsters

At least we know who the super creeps are now....

In one of the sickest and twistedest (that's right... "twistedest". What're you lookin' at?) announcements I've read in, well, ever, programmers attending the Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers symposium will attempt to program AI to destroy us all in a game of DEFCON.

"Part of the symposium is a sort of "Turing Test" challenge, in which contestants program an AI to play a videogame. The objective is to try to trick a panel of human judges into thinking the AI is a human player.

"This year's videogame is DEFCON, the brilliant nuclear war strategy game from indie developer Introversion.

A group of talented programmers will pitch their DEFCON bot against enemy bots in a series of one-on-one thermonuclear chess games. The winner is the programmer whose bot successfully annihilates its opponents and racks up the highest death count. IEEE is offering a $500 prize to the deadliest DEFCON AI bot competition winner."

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! Like I don't have enough to worry about without people programming artificial intelligence to kill us all. You KNOW the robots are behind this.I... I'm done. When the robots come for you, don't be calling me complaining about the noise and death rays and junk. I won't answer. I mean it this time.

Play: Now More Than Ever.

Again! Again! Click! Play!

No Rube

Click! Play! Repeat!

These Are NOT The Droids You're Looking For

So... this is a four-minute video of robots with guns. Some of it is CG, some is real footage, but all of it is a vision of the future. Now watch it and tell me you're cool with it.



Happy robot apocalypse everyone!

Significant Rex

One Giant Step Closer...

Do we have to hasten the robot apocalypse? Really?

Well then, nice work, Japan. A giant freaking Gundam -- I was tired of living anyways. You know, you're really flirting with fire here. Like that time I tried to make out with a candle and almost set my pornstache ablaze.

"To celebrate the 30th anniversary of the mecha anime/manga/toy/video game franchise, this 18-meter-tall (59-foot-tall) RX-78 has been erected.

Fifty points on the Gundam statue will emit light, and mist will shoot out of 14 different points on the statue. The 1/1 scale Gundam boasts a moveable head and a continuous stream of oh-man-this-is-so-damn-cool."

Now I'm not saying this thing is gonna come alive, go rogue, and destroy Japan, but it is.

It's Betty White's World

We just live in it.

Sarah? Not So Much Smiles.

UPDATE: Oh, goody. Sarah Palin responded Thursday morning to Dave's invitation to appear on his show in a statement to Foxnews.com: ""The Palins have no intention of providing a rating's boost for David Letterman by appearing on his show," the statement read. "Plus, it would be wise to keep Willow away from David Letterman."

Wall Of Voodoo

The Future Looks A Lot Like Taco Stands

Look What The Cat Beaned With The Backdrop

I love Tony Randall, but I never watch his awards show. Still, they televise it every year, and last night? While performing with Poison Bret Michaels walked smack into a descending backdrop as the band exited the stage.



Wait a minute. Why the hell is Poison performing at the Tony Awards? Was it tractor pull night?

Green Groo

So there's this guy. Stephen Groo? He's a Utah-based auteur making films that, in his own words, "explore the genres of fantasy, adventure, love, trust, betrayal, horror, action, faith, comedy, drama, and real life." He also thinks he'd do a pretty good job tackling a She-Hulk movie, so he's made this 8-minute pitch for Marvel.



What's that smell? Greenlight!

Apollo Screed

Travis! You're... ummm... 40 years too late!

This is the $29 Haynes Owners' Workshop Manual for all of the vehicles and equipment used during the Apollo 11 mission to the moon.*

"On 20 July 1969, US astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon. This is the story of the Apollo 11 mission and the 'space hardware' that made it all possible. This manual looks at the evolution and design of the mighty Saturn V rocket, the Command and Service Modules, and the Lunar Module. It describes the space suits worn by the crew and their special life support and communications systems."

There you have it, everything you need to know about how to fly a mission to the moon 40 years ago.

*Assuming you believe that sort of thing.

Urine... Or You're Out

Make a note: this is exactly how you don't sell a used iPhone on craigslist. If the phone fell in a puddle of urine but didn't damage the phone YOU DON'T MENTION IT IN THE AD. Trust me, I learned the hard way.

Just... just don't ask, okay?

Oops

From Spider (No Hyphen) Guy

Here.

From David Thorne, the guy who brought you the 7-legged spider! His landlord hates pets! Long, but worth it (add your own joke here ________)!

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

Future? Shocked.

Literally

Total Eclipse spoof
by chinesedaughter